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"Do You Like Me NOW?" (15 comments)

"Do You Like Me NOW?"

Thursday, January 31, 2008 - 11:45 PM

A reader writes... I’m 18 and the problem is that every time I meet a guy I like I instantly try to do any and everything to make him like me as much as I like him. That means I end up having sex with him and things are great for him, but not for me. He only wants sex or to just be friends. I don’t know why, but I always expect men to change. There’s a guy I’m seeing now I really like, but could I do anything to make him want me in other ways than just sex? We rarely talk anymore and when we do, it’s great, but it doesn’t go too deep. I tried leaving him, but I constantly think about him. I feel so lost. Can you help me out?
Murgatroyd
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 01, 2008 - 12:08 AM (#40671)

I’m 18 and the problem is that every time I meet a guy I like I instantly try to do any and everything to make him like me as much as I like him.

Um ... No. That isn't your problem, that's a symptom of your problem. Your problem is that you lack a sense of self-worth.

How do you fix this problem? Any number of ways, none of which are guaranteed to work. Counseling. Abstinence. The love of a good man who understands you and values you for who you are, and who helps you build up your self-esteem.

Note: the guy you're seeing now is not the person described in method #3.


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markdf
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 01, 2008 - 12:50 AM (#40672)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#40671):

The problem? You're attracted to assholes and players.

You've really got two choices here:

1. Accept that you'll be used by guys, and accept that the odds of finding a meaningful relationship are virtually non-existent.

2. Stop dating assholes and players, even though they're the only guys you're attracted to. Date other guys.

Sorry deary, but your story is a total cliche. Hundreds of millions of girls around the world and in every era have been making the very same complaint.

Women find assholes and players VERY attractive ... but then they act all surprised that the guys they are dating are assholes and players. See how that works? It's no different with guys; most are attracted to hot morons, but then they complain that the girls they date are shallow and stupid. And no one feels a even a BIT of pity for them, because it's their own stupid choices that are making them miserable.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 01, 2008 - 10:50 AM (#40675)

Send me your picture.

...just kidding.

But seriously, Mark & Murga are right about two things (for sure).

1- It's not them, it's you,

2- you can't change "him" from being what you were attracted to, in the first place.

The brutal truth is you're 18 and a slut. Even if you're not just looking for sex. But, that can change, if you really want it.

Break yourself down and build yourself back up, properly. And take sex off the 'table', now! Don't be so eager to please him. You know that you can have sex any time YOU want.

Treat it like a job interview. Show some confidence in the new you, and you'll have a much better class of men to choose from.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 02, 2008 - 01:29 AM (#40685)

The brutal truth is you're 18 and a slut.

I wouldn't call her that. I reserve the word "slut" for a woman who screws around indiscriminately because she wants to.

This girl doesn't fit that profile. She only does one guy at a time, and she doesn't particularly like what she's doing. (She may not even like sex.) She's just desperately insecure -- she's living the old delusion of "Maybe if I go to bed with him and show him a really good time, then he'll love me!"

She needs to ask herself why she's so insecure that she's willing to become some guy's fucktoy in a futile quest for respect. Life doesn't work that way. Or she may already know the answer, in which case the problem then becomes figuring out how to change herself.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 02, 2008 - 01:35 AM (#40686)

Correction: She may in fact be doing multiple guys, although she seems to have one "special" guy right now that she really wants. But however many guys she's doing, she doesn't like the situation.


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markdf
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 02, 2008 - 11:41 PM (#40690)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#40686):

The sad irony is that this girl probably has lots of nice guys around that would give their left testicle for a chance to spend time with her. And she doesn't give a shit about them. She may not even be aware that they exist, since all of her attention is focused on guys who see her as just an easy fuck.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, February 03, 2008 - 12:50 AM (#40693)

Mark: Bingo!

All she needs to do is find a guy who would be as grateful to her for a little love and respect as she would be to get the same.

If she's a college student, she should try hanging around the part of campus that's infested with engineers and scientists. They're mostly very nice guys, and definitely underappreciated. Give 'em some respect, kindness, and a little nookie, and they're yours forever.

I kind of wonder what kind of guy she typically goes for:

That means I end up having sex with him and things are great for him, but not for me. He only wants sex or to just be friends.

So what's wrong with being friends? If she would just hold off on the sex until aftershe's friends with a guy, she might find someone more suitable.

Or is it that the guys really mean, "You were OK for a one-night stand, but your other personality traits are so off-putting that I would be a fool to have a long-term relationship with you, so 'let's just be friends'"?

There are many ambiguities here. I started off being very sympathetic to her, but now I'm reconsidering ...

If you're out there, feel free to give us more information, young lady.


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jasonred
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Monday, February 04, 2008 - 02:05 PM (#40708)

I have always, always felt that the whole "playing hard to get" routine was silly and unnecesary.

However, in your case, I think I'll make an exception. Seriously, throwing yourself at any guy you like to THAT extent is just ridiculous.

Also... not to sound old fashioned, but there really WAS a reason that people used to date first before jumping into bed/ getting married. To find out what the other party is like personality wise/ interests/ etc.

... typically, it shouldn't even require that much effort from girls to make a guy interested in them, unless you're aiming quite a bit higher than you would normally be able to achieve. Heck, a plain old smile and wink is usually more than enough. Resorting to outright sex to make a guy like you sounds similiar to bringing a bazooka while duck hunting.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Monday, February 04, 2008 - 03:24 PM (#40710)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#40685):

--I wouldn't call her that. I reserve the word "slut" for a woman who screws around indiscriminately because she wants to. --

That's just the current popular definition. (It's amazing how the meaning of these words can fluctuate with what's fashionable.) Personally, I think one is better defined by their actions, not their intentions.

She's not having sex because she likes them (or it). She's having sex to make THEM like HER.
Whether it's one guy at a time or an all out gang-bang. As she moves from one interest to another, the numbers begin to pile up.

And, it's not like I said she set out to be one. But, she is one.


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markdf
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Monday, February 04, 2008 - 09:02 PM (#40716)
In Response to jasonred (#40708):

I have always, always felt that the whole "playing hard to get" routine was silly and unnecesary.

The problem here isn't about playing hard to get or not. It's about WHO she's playing with.

If you play hard to get with players, they wont give you the time of day. So to spend time with the guys she's interested in, she HAS to put out. Period. There's simply no choice in the matter. You can't lure a tiger with lettuce, and you can't lure a player with charm and witty banter.

The kind of girls that keep dating players aren't just suffering from a string of bad luck. It's the fact that these guys are players that attracts them in the first place. Moths don't WANT to be burned ... but that doesn't make them any less drawn to flame.

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Murgatroyd
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 02:52 AM (#40723)

Mark, we don't know that she's only attracted to players ...

But I have to admit, if that's what's going on it would explain a lot.


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markdf
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 09:06 AM (#40726)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#40723):

Mark, we don't know that she's only attracted to players ... But I have to admit, if that's what's going on it would explain a lot.

It's a very reasonable assumption. Think of the girls you know -- you probably know a bunch who are exactly like this. Stupid slutty girls who get used over and over again because they only want to date players and ignore any guys who display genuine interest. If they DO accidentally find themselves in a real relationship, they either dump the guy or cheat on him.

Seriously, these girls constitute a very distinct and significant subspecies of the girl population. We can keep their numbers in check using controlled hunts and with traps ... no, wait, I'm thinking of deer.

Still, these girls are a cliche, and not a rare one. It's the most reasonable explanation by far. Because ultimately, players ARE rare. If this girl had even the slightest interest in nice guys, she would be meeting LOTS of them.

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jasonred
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 10:45 AM (#40730)

Eh. IMHO, from the lack of info she supplied, it's pretty impossible to tell if the problem lies with:

a) Her choice in men.
b) Her approach in getting them to like her.
c) Her appearance/ personality/ attitude/ etc.

Or just break it up to: yourself, the other party, and how you approach them.

Without making any assumptions whatsoever, I would say that b) is definitely a problem for her... though it's entirely reasonable to assume she's got problems in all 3 categories.

BTW... in actual fact, "nerds" can be just as big jerks as "jocks"... and anyhow, let's face it, MOST guys are quite happy to shed some scruples at the prospect of easy sex...


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jasonred
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 11:17 AM (#40731)

Sorry for the double post... anyhow, my point is that, it's possible that she is in fact attracted to NICE GUYS.

Even a (humanly) nice guy, who would not normally find a (hot) chick terribly interesting to talk to, would probably be QUITE willing to spend time with her if she pretty much throws sex onto the table right off the get go. In fact, they might just leap to the conclusion that she wants a benefriend, or that she's only after a fling or casual sex. Then realise she wants a RELATIONSHIP and back out.

At the end of the day, men are men. Even a guy who's not terribly interested can become interested if you offer a "good time". That's why using sex as a weapon to get a guy to like you is not really advisable...


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: "Do You Like Me NOW?" (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, February 05, 2008 - 02:38 PM (#40737)
In Response to jasonred (#40730):

--Eh. IMHO, from the lack of info she supplied, it's pretty impossible to tell if the problem lies with:

a) Her choice in men.
b) Her approach in getting them to like her.
c) Her appearance/ personality/ attitude/ etc.--

I have to disagree. I believe she has clued us in on all three.

a) Her choice in men. --> "I don’t know why, but I always expect men to change."

b) Her approach in getting them to like her. --> "I’m 18 and the problem is that every time I meet a guy I like I instantly try to do any and everything to make him like me as much as I like him. That means I end up having sex with him..."

c) Her appearance/ personality/ attitude/ etc. --> [minus appearance]"...and things are great for him, but not for me." and "We rarely talk anymore and when we do, it’s great, but it doesn’t go too deep. I tried leaving him, but I constantly think about him. I feel so lost."


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