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Taking turns... (9 comments)

Taking turns...

Friday, February 29, 2008 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for a little over a year and we have a stable and trusting relationship. A few months ago one of his closest friends broke up with his girlfriend. Recently my boyfriend decided to hook his friend up with a girl he used to sleep with. My boyfriend was never in a relationship with the girl, it was just “casual sex.” The problem is that his friend and this girl are starting to get serious and are on the verge of an exclusive relationship. The possibility of going on a double date with these two is causing problems for me. I don’t want to hang out with someone my boyfriend used to sleep with! Also, how can I respect his friend? He basically took sloppy seconds. Or for the girl? She allowed herself to be passed along! How should I handle this?
Threesome
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Posts: 26

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Feb 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 29, 2008 - 03:10 AM (#41111)

Well, in this group of four people there is only one who actually has a problem with the situation.
Seriously, if my girlfriend and I avoided people the other has slept with at some time or other, or an ex has slept with we would barely meet anyone.

Your arguments seem firmly stuck in the sexual morals of the early 20th century. The girl "allows herself to be passed along" ? Excuse me, but that is a rather unfeminist way of phrasing things. Women are allowed to enjoy sex, you know. And "sloppy seconds" ? That only applies if the girl is being nailed by both guys at the same time.

What about you ? Aren't you getting "sloppy seconds" after your boyfriend has been inside this girl (and probably a number of others) ? Isn't your boyfriend getting "sloppy seconds", or is he the first and only guy you have ever slept with ?

Maybe that is the real problem - that you don't know how to respect yourself. You may be wondering whether you compare to her, sexually. Of course, you have this relationship with him, which you point out was lacking between him and her (by the way, even casual sex always involves a relationship, such as friendship, just not a romantic one), but since your boyfriend knows how she is in bed, and his best friend knows how she is in bed, and she knows how those two are in bed, those three share something together.

Thus, you feel threatened. You are now trying to pass this off as moral outrage, but really, you just happen to feel uncomfortable. Probably. Also, the fact that you used the word "trusting" in relation to "relationship" lets me suspect that the trusting part comes primarily from him.

Now, what should you do ? Accept that you have a problem with this. Which you did, by posting here, so well done. Understand that there is nothing you can do about the situation, you can only change yourself. Of course, you could try to emulate bad TV shows or movies and try to split the happy couple up, but that is bound to backfire, possibly with her ending up in your boyfriends bed, and you ending up in his best friends.

Accept that you feel threatened. Then lean back and just watch the magic. If Best Friend and Casual Sex Girl are really hooking up there is every chance that you will see them a lot. However, this will lead to a change of perception of everyone involved. She will stop being Casual Sex Girl and become Best Friends Girlfriend.

Thus, problem solved.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 29, 2008 - 10:54 AM (#41118)
In Response to Threesome (#41111):

Thank you, Threesome, for being so delicate with this one.

To the poster - I personally find your comments to be astounding, to say the least. Please help me to understand this a little better.

As Threesome has pointed out, the only unifying fact is sex with YOUR boyfriend. And,you say that you don't want to be around someone he's had sex with.

Does that act make her less of a person? Then, how do you handle it, yourself? Is it that you find sex with him to be disgusting? Is it that she's had pre-marital sex? (If that's true, then you've also got severe double-standard issues.) Or are his ex's just rejects in your mind?

Or is it that you just think it's impossible to be just friends with someone you've had sex with?

You don't seem to look down on his guy friend. Yet, you can't understand how that guy could want to be with this girl you don't see as having any value.

So, now I'm wondering if it's more of an undisclosed personal problem you have with her. How well do you know this girl, yourself? Aside from her past relationship with your boyfriend, what are her pro's and con's?

Is it possible that you're just nervous that she's still in your boyfriend's life in some respect? Do you think she (or they) want to hook up again, casually or otherwise?


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TheOriginalJes
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Jan 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 29, 2008 - 10:57 AM (#41119)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#41118):

--You don't seem to look down on his guy friend. Yet, you can't understand how that guy could want to be with this girl you don't see as having any value.--

Correction: It seems you didn't look down on him before he started seeing her.


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CANgerADAmany
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Feb 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 29, 2008 - 11:19 AM (#41120)

Well...yeah! What he said.

I mean, I don't understand what the problem is. Your boyfriend is dating you and you're both happy. And good guy that he is, he recommends two people that he likes and obviously respects (otherwise he wouldn't be setting them up) to meet with one another. That's it. That's all he did. I don't see anything wrong with that.
It's up to his best friend and this girl to decide how they match one another. If they like each other, and it appears they do, then that's all that matters. Everything else is the past.

My wife slept with way more people than I have in my life but I don't care! She's my soul mate and I love her. So why should I let the past get in the way of that.
By the way, my wife is still friends with several of the guys that she's slept with (and so am I, I enjoyed getting to know these people and I think they're great... I can see what my wife liked about them in the first place). She even setup one of her best friends to one of these guys that she was having casual sex with. And they're very good friends of ours. It's now 5 years since they were set up and they're still together, they just bought a house together, they've been living together for over 3 years, are madly in love and are planning to have kids in the near future.

So... Your boyfriend and this girl, it's in the past. Leave it back there and enjoy being here and now.! Definitely meet this girl and get to know her. I bet you'll find her to be very nice.
But first, take those negative thoughts and throw them away! You don't need them! They're just going to cause problems.


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LizKitten
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Feb 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 29, 2008 - 11:45 AM (#41121)

I hate to be like everyone else, but have you never, -ever- done something that you considered to be in questionable judgment? Being one of those girls that's had casual sex before, I feel like that's all it was; casual.

Why should you have a problem with hanging out with someone that your boyfriend used to sleep with? I've done that before, with my most recent ex-- and I could see the attraction. But what you need to focus on here is not them, but you. Why are you so insecure about this? You don't really expound on your feelings at all. I mean, if he's dating you and doing you, he has no reason to want someone else, right?

The friend has, quite honestly, nothing to do with you. People will nail who they'll nail, and most of us have already been around the block a few times-- how is he supposed to avoid dating someone who hasn't slept with someone else already? Advertise for virgins? It's good for your boyfriend -and- your friend that your boyfriend's previous 'relationship' with this woman hasn't affected their friendship whatsoever, and furthermore, speaks very strongly of the fact that the girl didn't mean all that much to your boyfriend-- friends do -not- date other friends' exes without permission and an obvious comfort level.

You can respect the girl because she sees what she wants and she goes for it, despite what other people may think. You can respect everyone, as there -is- something to respect in everyone.


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Kyle_Voltti
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Jan 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 29, 2008 - 11:50 AM (#41122)

Honestly, Get over it. You're not the first woman who your boyfriend has been intimate with and if you can't come to terms with this you won't be the last.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, March 01, 2008 - 02:54 AM (#41130)

Also, how can I respect his friend? He basically took sloppy seconds.

Hah! I think I see your problem. What's bothering you is that you're taking sloppy seconds. She had your boyfriend first, and now that she's done with him, you get the leftovers! And if the four of you went out together, everyone would know!

Grow up, toots.


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jasonred
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Feb 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, March 03, 2008 - 01:43 AM (#41151)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#41130):

You hit the nail on the head, I think!

Though there's also plain old vanilla jealousy. To be honest, some people feel at least some minor twinge of jealousy from even something as minor as their partner "checking out" some random stranger. Getting pinched HARD for staring at a nice pair of boobs is not unreasonable. So... it's fair enough that you'd get some level of insecurity or jealousy meeting someone you man slept with.

Solution: It's your problem. The past is the past, so you'd better get used to it and get over it. Not that I'm unsympathetic, but seriously, just move on.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Taking turns... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, March 05, 2008 - 10:38 AM (#41181)
In Response to jasonred (#41151):

I just don't think this is about jealousy at all. If she has had problems with her boyfriend maintaining a friendship with an ex, then ok.

I think her problem falls squarely on self-worth and good ol'fashioned Catholic guilt. (I know that sounds insensitive and intolerant. But, the symptoms are there.)


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Discussion: Taking turns... | Login/Create an Account | 9 comments
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