Master of Her Domain

He said I should just wait for nights that he’s home.

Does he?

He's making a stupid request, especially if your not denying him anything when he returns.

In Response to Rave (#41227):

Unless we're missing an important piece of info, it sounds like your boyfriend is being a control freak.
Why should you have to wait for him?
Is this some sort of religious thing?
If he gets home and you tell him you're not in the mood, then tell him that you masturbate while he's away, maybe I can see why he is mad, but if this is over some old-fashioned garbage about how he thinks proper women should act or what not, he needs a reality check.

In Response to hightechartist (#41228):

Does he masturbate when you're not around? If so, then he's just a hypocrite. If not, then he's some kind of sex-hating sociopath. Neither is a particularly good thing to be. This guy is totally in the wrong.

I'd bet money that he's either religious (Christian or Muslim) or a hardcore ultraconservative. Probably both.

Incidentally, why do women date assholes like this in the first place? I think that deep down, a lot of women only respect men who treat them like shit. It's the only explanation for why girls like the poster bother with these guys. They see guys that respect them as losers, so they stick with assholes.

Eh, most likely: HE is feeling guilty that he can't satisfy your sexual desires. His twisted solution: you should have a weaker libido.

Men can be like that. They dream of marrying a woman with a high sex drive, then when they're actually together and can't keep up, they feel it's a threat to their manhood.

Also, he might be scared you'd be comparing him, against, say, your fingers, vibrators, dildos or heaven forbid, other men. Worse, he's probably afraid that he compares poorly against all the above. ... IIRC, most people have 100% orgasm rate during masturbation.

Suggested solution: handle this delicately. Men can be VERY sensitive when it comes to challenges to their manhood.

He is absolutely making an unfair request. He clearly holds his own sexual needs above yours, and that's not the sort of person you want to be with. Lay down the law, and if he doesn't listen, divorce him. This issue is systemic of a much larger control issue. Control freaks do not make good spouses.

This applies to men whose wives tell them not to masturbate, too!

This is definitely an unfair request (unless you're denying him when he gets home, which would be a whole different issue) . If he's away half the time, what are you supposed to do, not have a sex drive?

I agree that he's feeling threatened by the fact that you can take care of your own sexual needs when you have to and aren't relying on him for that.

One more vote for HIM being the unfair selfish control freak. He'd be justified in being upset if there was another man in your life, but he shouldn't be jealous of your lesbian side affair with Mother Thumb and the Finger Sisters if he still gets an enthusiastic welcome when he gets home.

You might try suggesting phone sex with him while he's away as sop to his offended manhood; unlimited long distance plans aren't all that expensive.

In Response to markdf (#41229):

--Incidentally, why do women date assholes like this in the first place?--

That's a fair question that gets asked here alot. My answer would be that they do it because they decide to make decisions based on their first-impressions, because they trust their feelings, making them player-fodder.

From my own observations, it seems that women perk up to men who act aloof, indifferent, or unchallenged by them. I'd like to hear other people's observations about you're topic of question.

What's worse is, as I've been told by female friends, "They're just so sincere." That's a direct quote from three different, reasonably intelligent young women. I challenged that notion, and was harshly admonished.

If you want a good laugh, ask some of them why they think married men are safe to date.

But back on topic - (to poster)

If it's bad now, what would he be like when his job no longer requires extensive travel? It may be best to find a way to help him cope with the thought of you rubbing one out every now and then. Is he any good at phone sex?

Sit down and discuss it with your husband. Ask him why he wants you to wait until he's home? Does he have some misguided notion that a woman can't enjoy the night with a man if she enjoyed the night before with herself?

Does he masturbate when he's away from you? For that matter, does he masturbate in the mornings, at home? Why would his self-pleasure be okay, but not yours?

"When I get really lonely..." leads me to believe it's not a common experience for you, but one that you're well aware of. I would guess it's about 25% of the time when he's gone. If you're having your rounds of playing with yourself in a safe manner (At home, kids unlikely to barge in, no exposed wires, etc...), why should anyone care what you're doing?

First of all - masturbation is a perfectly normal behaviour for humans. Even humans in relationships, even if the partner is actually available.

For your partner to deny you this is not acceptable, unless he is trying to be a Dom, in which case he would forbid you to masturbate so you are nice and ready and desperate when he comes home.

That can actually be a lot of fun, if done well.

If, however, he is freaking out about the fact that you are masturbating, or that you are taking pleasure from someone who isn't him, than you have a problem.

As always, the easiest way is this - ask him. Talk to him about what bothers him.

And then tell us :-)

I actually encourage my wife to masturbate more, as I feel like i do it to much compared to her, as well as it improving your sex drive in general.

Masturbating has no negative effect on your sex drive apart from immediately after.
He clearly has some issues about it, and shouldn't be telling you not to do it. Maybe call him and start do it while talking to him, see how he reacts then

Nobody seems to be taking the husband's side in this. I mean, is there honestly no way to see things from his point of view?

No, I don't think so either.

Is it that he doesn't like you masturbating when he's not there, or that he doesn't want you to masturbate, ever?

Have you ever tried tearing one off in front of him? If so, what was his reaction?

(Helpful hint: Don't scream out an ex-boyfriend's name when you orgasm.)

In Response to mbnmac (#41254):

I actually encourage my wife to masturbate more, as I feel like i do it to much compared to her, as well as it improving your sex drive in general.

That right there is one of the differences between shitty partners who need to be dumped, and awesome ones who deserve a three-way on their birthday.

Okay, trying to take the husbands side...

He is trying to be a Dom, dominating her even when he is not home. This is not as rare as it might sound, and it can be bloody good fun. Obviously, she has to like it too, otherwise it's just plain weird.

It can be a lot of fun to arouse a woman and then to deny her release for a while, until she is writhing and begging to be allowed to cum.

Of course, she has to be into that sort of thing. I know plenty of women who, if you don't let them cum, just go cold again and get annoyed, while some can stay close to the peak for hours.

That's pretty much the only acceptable explanation I could find.

As always, talking things over is the best way of finding out what's going on.

Ask him.

I DID take the husband's side. Sort of. Lol.

Ok... the most diplomatic way I can put it for the husband:

He most likely has a lower libido than the questioner. Thus, he probably goes off on his trips and feels no excess sexual desire. Either that, or he was brought up as a fanatically devout Catholic and never whacked off in his life, or something equally bizarre.

Whatever the reason, his thought process might be going, "I don't masturbate... why should she? ... there's something wrong with one of us... it must be HER!!!"

There's something wrong with him. Duh.

Also (sort of) in his defense: he might not be an asshole. He might just be stupid and ignorant.

It's true. Sad, but true.

this is to you're husband. Dude, lighten the Hell up. It's not that big of a deal. If it's that you wan't to be involved with her pleasure then have phone sex or cybersex. if it's that you think you should be the only source of her sexual release then get help.

... Okay. Trying to think in his defense here, as your position has clearly been taken up.

How did you tell him? 'I got myself off because you weren't there' sounds, quite frankly, as if you're blaming him for something. A lot of times it isn't what you say, but how you say it. There aren't enough details given in this situation.

You also need to find out why exactly he doesn't want you to masturbate. That's important, as previously stated.

All that said, masturbation is one of the healthiest things in the world as long as you don't sit around and do it all day (unless you're having a catch-up marathon-- 5 points to anyone who can get my webcomic reference there). My last partner and I had sex a -lot-. And I do mean a lot. That didn't stop us from lying in bed and masturbating side by side, or one of us doing it while the other wasn't home and going on to describe the experience once they got there.

My own personal suggestion: Masturbate. Tell him about it. Tell him about it in a very slow, quiet fashion while nibbling at his ear and tracing your hands over his chest. I doubt he'll be opposed... just don't forget to mention how you were thinking about him. ^_~

In Response to LizKitten (#41370):

Re: LizKitten: Unless you fantasize about his best friend. I think fragile male ego cannot handle that very well... unless he is into that sort of thing, of course.

I would still be interested in hearing WHY he was upset. There must be more to it than just a religious reason.

More details would be appreciated.

In Response to Threesome (#41395):

*laughs* Well, that's a little different. I actually don't know if she's thinking about her husband or not; I didn't say she should. I said she should -say- she did.

Lord knows I hardly ever think about a partner when I'm enjoying myself; taking my pick of the cast of Heroes is just more fun. *grins*