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Doused Spouse (6 comments)

Doused Spouse

Friday, May 09, 2008 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I’ve been married to a wonderful woman for five years and have known her for 10. She is fun, caring, witty, smart, interesting, and a great mother. I love her very much, but in the last several years our sex life has become nonexistent. This is partly because she is never the aggressor, and mostly because I have to admit I’m not physically attracted anymore to this woman whom I love. She’s not unattractive, although she has gained weight since I first met her (but so have I), especially since our child was born. How can I force myself to be turned on by someone who used to do so but doesn’t anymore? This must happen to most couples around the world as they get older and change — I guess it’s the difference between love and lust — but how do I stay faithful in a relationship if the attraction isn’t there anymore?
markdf
Lover

Posts: 57

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Doused Spouse (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 09, 2008 - 02:02 AM (#42602)

but how do I stay faithful in a relationship if the attraction isn’t there anymore?

 I would hope that your desire to not destroy your marriage would be enough. I mean, you obviously care deeply about this woman -- and from the sounds of it, you have family. That's reason enough to put your libido on the back seat, download some extra porn, and accept that you'll have to make some sacrifices.

 Of course, you might be able to improve your lot; why not take up an athletic activity with your wife, like tennis or hiking? Once you're both in better shape, more energetic, and getting all adrenal with each other, you might find that your relationship has a bit more vitality than it used to.


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ian_mackereth
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
May 2008
Re: Doused Spouse (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 09, 2008 - 03:28 AM (#42603)
In Response to markdf (#42602):

Does she have a younger sister with a naughty schoolgirl costume that she could borrow?

I'm sure I've read somewhere about this fantasy being a powerful aphrodisiac... 8-)}


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Threesome
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: Doused Spouse (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 09, 2008 - 06:24 AM (#42605)

While this may be something that most couples experience, in some way or other, there is no need to just give up.

The main complaint you are having, if I get this right, is that she is never the one to initiate things. So the whole onus falls on you. Quite possibly she also does not act very much during the sex, leaving you with the feeling that she may not want you anymore. Which then leads to a reduced desire towards her.

First of all, the usual thing I always, always, always suggest - talk to her. Find out how she feels (but please try to be diplomatic about the whole thing. "I don't think you are sexy anymore" should be avoided).

Find out if there is anything she has secretly wanted to try, or maybe there is something you would like to try. There is a reason that couples that have been together for a long time try out new and exotic forms, such as bondage or S/M.

And ten there is the Coolige effect. You are not attracted to your wife NOW, but throw her into some nice costume, add a bit of roleplaying, and it's almost as good as a new wife.

And if it all does not work - maybe you could negotiate with your wife that you could take a mistress. Or a French Maid. Just don't be upset if she wants the same right.


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LizKitten
Lover

Posts: 19

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: Doused Spouse (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 09, 2008 - 05:17 PM (#42612)

Well, sir, have you discussed this matter with her? It sounds to me-- and please excuse me if I'm using what my best (gay) friend refers to as faulty woman logic-- like you feel unattractive because she never pursues you. That has to affect how attracted you are to her, and your performance as a couple in the bedroom.

Also, what I refer to as 'vanilla sex'-- i.e., sex with no roleplaying, bondage, toys, or any sort of kink-- does get boring after awhile. I mean, there are only so many positions for those of us who aren't Olympic gymnasts. Maybe it's time to start exploring your fantasies with her. Just try opening up to her about what you feel might work to bring your sex drive back online.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Doused Spouse (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, May 10, 2008 - 02:52 PM (#42615)

I'm not so sure that the type of sex you're having is the problem, unless you're into something younger. In fact, I think the lack of sexual interest may possibly be symptomatic of something else.

- I'm sure you love your wife, but do you like her much, lately? Do you think about her when you first wake up? Do you still feel anticipation when coming home to her? Something else could be tainting your daily lives. Whether it be the rut of a routine or sacrificing your desires to provide for your family (it's not un-common for people to want more for themselves).

- So, you say you've gained a couple of pounds... Once you hit that certain age, your body just isn't the same. And a reduction or lack of physical activity can keep someone in a bad or un-motivated mood. As suggested earlier, try adding some activity(ies) to your routine.

- What about outside stress? How's your job? your family/friends? If you don't know, maybe it's past time to find out.

- When was your last vacation? and how did you spend it?


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anonymous
Lover

Posts: 12

Registered:
May 2008
Re: Doused Spouse (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, May 14, 2008 - 05:57 PM (#42700)

Guess what bubba? You're in a rut. And evidently she doesn't care enough to be the aggressor, and you are tired and not motivated enough by her to continue your role as the aggressor. You have gotten into a pattern of sexual complacency, and it sounds like she has gotten into the same pattern. It just isn't as important to her now, for whatever reason. Maybe she's gotten too comfortable. So, you've thrown up your hands and said, "F it". But inside of you, you still care and you still want to turn things around-- thus you have written for advice.

You can't force yourself to be turned on, that is a chemical, psychological, and physiological reaction. Luckily, these reactions can be changed through changing your behavior.

Lust naturally follows cycles in relationships. Sometimes it burns, sometimes it dies & flares up again at an unpredictable time.

Do you have sexual desire for others? Does the fire of lust still burn in your heart at all?

You have a choice. You say that she is not unattractive but has put on weight since the kid came along, and you described her attractive personal / non-image based qualities. You can figure out how to talk to her about your issue with her appearance, or you could just propose doing things with her that would improve her appearance. Sometimes talking and over-analyzing makes things worse.

Here are behavior change suggestions ranging from easy to difficult.

Get her a gift certificate to a day spa, a salon, or join a gym with her and schedule times when both of you can go together.

Make an attempt to do some different nonsexual activities with her that do not revolve around taking care of your child or taking care of home & bills.

Schedule "dates" with each other every week where you go out and do something-- eat, movies, a bar, walk in the park or on a trail, whatever your persuasion. Have someone watch your child-- you must increase your alone time with her.

During this time, don't focus on getting sex out of it, and do not debate or talk about serious business (i.e. when will we pay this bill?).

But do focus on talking to her about her thoughts on trivial things, laugh with her, re-discover her sense of humor. Talk regularly about positive things in your relationship that have happened in the past. Give it a few months of doing this regularly.

If you still feel the same way and there is no measurable change after giving this strategy a shot, you might consider some couples counseling or marital therapy (in which case, they'll eventually tell you to do the exact same thing).


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