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Am I... ? (10 comments)

Am I... ?

Friday, May 30, 2008 - 12:00 AM

Bad news: There's no new comic this week. Good news: We've got a new question to discuss.

A reader writes... I'm 26 and I've had girlfriends before but we've never gone all the way. I was going to this time, and it was going great, I was enjoying it and she was, up until I didn't finish. She was very supportive but I'm worried to try again because I'm worried the same thing will happen. I don't know why I didn't finish the last time (wasn't nervous or drunk), given everything seemed perfect and I was ready. I know gay men can finish with women and I know mine does work, so I'm wondering why I didn't? Could it be I'm gay and don't realize it? I've never been attracted to a man before and I've been attracted to many females and had feelings for them (and still do). Yet given there is absolutely nothing wrong with her and what we were doing (and what we were doing for quite a while), why couldn't I?
markdf
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 30, 2008 - 12:25 AM (#42978)

It happens, dude. Don't worry about it.

 I actually had that happen with the last girl I dated. The first time we fucked, I just couldn't finish. The next few times, everything went great. Then we broke up. C'est la vie.

 It's not always to do with being nervous, or alcohol or anything like that. Sometimes your body just needs a chance to get used to the other person. Sometimes there's no reason at all.

 Incidentally, the fact that she was supportive about it is awesome. Not every woman is so cool. Guys have been putting up with womens' finicky, unreliable orgasmic system for millenia now -- you'd think more of them would be tolerant of that kind of thing. Sounds like you've got a keeper there.


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LisaDroesdov
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 30, 2008 - 01:05 AM (#42979)

No. You're not gay unless you're gay. Not finishing doesn't make you gay if you're not gay in the first place.

Now, my friend, do you happen to masturbate a lot? Say, with a death grip? Or, even, in a particular style? Whether it's humping the sofa or jerking off like you're shaking a beer can, masturbating consistently in the same way can acclimate your nerves to that particular stimulation and prevent orgasm with a partner. And, as the above poster noted, the same sometimes applies when you get real used to one partner and then have sex with a new partner.

Don't worry about it, and be glad you don't have the opposite problem. My secondary partner also didn't finish his first time. Nothing wrong with that; he just takes time to climax from new things. Took a couple tries with oral, too. The older you are when you lose your virginity, the more used to the stimulation from masturbation you tend to be.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 30, 2008 - 04:04 AM (#42982)

... but I'm worried to try again because I'm worried the same thing will happen.

It's called performance anxiety -- basically, a form of stage fright. The more you worry about it, the more likely you are to get it!

Solution? Make love to your girlfriend, and announce before the main event that you do not intend to orgasm, that you're doing the horizontal bop with the understanding that the journey is its own reward. If you can just keep going at a nice comfortable pace, this ought to make your girlfriend very happy. (As Lisa said, the most common problem is finishing too soon, which -- oddly enough! -- most women do not appreciate all that much.) But don't be too surprised if, after a while, you start to get this really odd feeling down there ... And you might also discover that having a beautiful, sexy nude woman curling her toes and making funny noises under you -- and knowing that you are the reason that this otherwise intelligent, sentient human being has been reduced to a quivering mass of orgasmic reflexes -- is the biggest turn-on in the world.

Another suggestion: Try cunnilingus before the main event. Seeing and hearing her orgasm can really put you in the mood!

Yet another suggestion: If you're used to manual stimulation (as Lisa speculates), try having her stimulate you.


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Threesome
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 30, 2008 - 04:27 AM (#42983)

I can only concur with everything that has been said so far. You are probably suffering from performance anxiety, and you are not gay.

Basically, sex is not about coming. For us men orgasms aren't (usually) that earth shattering, although we tend to fall asleep afterwards.

It is, however, possible to have an orgasm and NOT cum, in my experience this is a far more powerful experience. But that is for later.

The point I am trying to make while rambling on is this - the best thing about sex is having it, not finishing it. So, enjoy the activity, enjoy putting your girl first, and the rest will follow.


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sureal
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 30, 2008 - 07:43 AM (#42987)

If you're not attracted to guys, you're probably not gay. If alcohol wasn't involved my first thought would be, was the condom too tight?


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Maeloch
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 30, 2008 - 11:15 AM (#42994)

Homosexuality is as much about attraction in general as sexual attraction, so if you are not attracted to men, you are not gay.

Many factors go into being able to have an orgasm. There is the physical sensations, and also mental aspects. As far as physical sensations go, I know that there are some sexual positions that make it hard to orgasm and others that make it really easy. Try changing positions.

The mental issues are far more numerous. There is how much you are attracted to your partner, what you are seeing during the act, and what you are thinking about all have an effect on your ability to "finish." I know that the second I start to worry about being able to finish, I guarantee that I won't be able to finish.

Your inexperience also factors into the equation. Just because you know which parts to stick in where doesn't mean you know anything about how to have sex. Explore. Try different things. Concentrate on pleasing your partner instead of yourself. Sex is not a race, and you win by "finishing" last, not first.

And be thankful that you have this problem instead of finishing too soon. The women in your life will appreciate it.


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anonymous
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 03:40 AM (#43007)

Are you gay or bisexual? One of the most important questions that usually leads to an answer (one way or the other) is: What do you fantasize about when you masturbate? An encounter with a male / female / both ?

Aside from your concern about your sexuality, realize that lots of straight, gay, and bisexual men have problems achieving orgasm. It is just something we don't tend to talk to each other about because the ability to 'shoot a load' is the way that our male culture proves we're men to each other. But it is hogwash. The locker room stories of our porn-star aspirations are nowhere near reality.

Believe me, you are no less of a man because you didn't finish. After all, with all of the girlfriends you've had in your life, you have never finished (remember, you said you've never gone all the way)! So you've been trained to NOT finish. Your body was just following it's own history. It's OK !

Now that you are at a point in your life where you have the opportunity to finish, why not relax and enjoy the fireworks? Oddly enough, probably the best way to train yourself to finish is to not focus on it.

I'd say lay off masturbation for at least a week. It's going to be tough, but I know you can do it. This will re-sensitize your penis, allow you to build up your reserves, and take your mind off of your worries about next time. The physical sensations you experience from using your hand to orgasm, versus your girlfriend's interactive experience, are totally different.

Essentially I'm suggesting to gradually train your penis to respond to different sensations of pleasure. If you find yourself in the moment of sex with your girlfriend and you start thinking that it is taking 'quite a while' again, change sexual positions. Mix it up a little bit-- do what feels good, not what is going to make you finish. Don't be afraid to ask her to use her hand, or mouth, to provide you with pleasure. The goal isn't finishing-- it is relaxing with the feelings of pleasure.

More graphically, because I remember how nervous I was when I first went all the way, here are some physical suggestions.

Experiment with how fast you are pumping your hips. I think the tendency at first is to be either overly gentle, or overly rough. It is OK to experiment as long as both of you are enjoying it and not in pain.

Also don't be afraid to change up the speed and depth of your strokes. It doesn't have to be 'in-out' 'in-out' 'in-out' over & over again. You could play around with 12 quick strokes really fast, then 6 long, slow, deep strokes, then some regular-paced strokes. Have fun driving her crazy! You don't have to play this by the book, there's no time limit to pleasure. The goal is not to finish. The goal is to enjoy the experience together!

If you are really in a pinch, you could also switch from long, deep strokes to having just the tip of your penis in her vagina and only enter her an inch or two or three, withdraw until you are barely still inside her, and then repeat. This technique is designed to stimulate the area of skin just underneath the head of your penis, on the bottom of it, you know, the part that the palm of your hand constantly rubs when you are masturbating? Anyways, just inserting your penis enough to stimulate this area and then adjusting your thrusts to stimulate only that area of your penis could drive you over the edge.

The sensation may be a bit different, which might just be enough to get you off.


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Dynamo
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, May 31, 2008 - 06:21 PM (#43032)

I think the only problem you have is that you consider this a problem. Plenty of guys go off too soon, or can't get it working in the first place, and would love to have your "problem". As someone above said, relax and enjoy the journey without worrying about the destination. When you least expect it, you'll get there.


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LizKitten
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, June 01, 2008 - 11:59 AM (#43045)

I don't think you're gay, and furthermore I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

Friend of mine... considered attractive by many (not me, but then again I'm not into skinny little blond things) started dating a twenty five year old virgin, about a year ago now. It was a rebound, and she refused to have sex with him for a very long time (for her), because she didn't want to end up breaking his heart. She has a track record of this.

Finally, comes down to it, the big night. He's really excited because he -finally- gets to have sex, really nervous because what if he does it wrong, and doesn't finish. Happens a few times, actually.

Needless to say, his penis figures out what it's doing wrong and after about the fourth try, everyone's enjoying themselves all round. Now they're engaged.

Also, while he is a little on the short side, he's handsome, muscular, possessed of lots of body hair, and on his third tour in Iraq, so I wouldn't worry about your masculinity. =D


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Am I... ? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 02, 2008 - 12:16 PM (#43071)

Don't listen to them! You'll get yours eventually. Right now, you may just want to figure how you can repeat that for future reference. :~D


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