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Can't Stop At Just One... (16 comments)

Can't Stop At Just One...

Friday, June 13, 2008 - 12:01 AM

A reader writes... My girlfriend of six years has brought up several times her curiosity to be with other men. She says she loves me and wants to be with me and doesn't want to lose me. We are pretty open with each other and I'm not upset at her for bringing it up. However, I do wonder if women in love can actually have feelings like this, or if it is a sign that she's not really into me. Men are always led to believe that women in love don't want to sleep with other men. Is that a falsehood or am I in trouble here? Do other women think like this?
bookworm
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 13, 2008 - 01:23 AM (#43273)

I can understand how she's feeling, I'm a girl in her position some days. My high school sweetheart and I have been dating for three years and he's the only man I've ever been with. Of course I'm curious how someone else would be, but I still love him, and don't think this is a big deal. I guess women tell the men that they love that they're the only one they'll ever want to be with to save their precious egos, cause some men are like that.


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JonEric
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Sounds like she's talking about Polyamory (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 13, 2008 - 01:36 AM (#43274)

I'm interested in how you've gendered your question. "MEN are always led to believe that WOMEN in love don't want to sleep with other men." It's true, there's a cultural stereotype that women are usually way more into monogamy than men are. But MEN, even men in love, can want to sleep with other women, right? Have you ever felt attracted to someone else?

The real question, though, is whether she's talking about fulfilling a fantasy (i.e. a one-time deal) or opening up your relationship permanently. People can and do live and love in open or polyamorous relationships, in which the couple agree that it's okay to pursue relationships with others (romantic and/or sexual).

I speak from experience, as I've recently transitioned from a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous one. Her being attracted to other men doesn't make her any less into me, and I'm sure your girlfriend's attractions to other men have no bearing on her love for you.

Of course, just as some people just aren't wired for monogamy, others just aren't wired for polyamory, and jealousy is sometimes difficult to control. My advice to you would be to talk with her in detail about the nature of these attractions, and how far you're willing to let her pursue them.

One of many good resources on the web for learning about polyamory: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 13, 2008 - 02:13 AM (#43275)

My girlfriend of six years has brought up several times her curiosity to be with other men.

Just wondering ... What does she suggest that you do while she's out sampling the local male population?

For that matter, are you interested in schtupping other women to satisfy your curiosity? And are you in love with your girlfriend?


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 13, 2008 - 10:04 AM (#43280)

If you're open to the suggestion, then I suggest Threesome be the guy you listen to.

But, is that what you want?

What is it about you that she doesn't want to lose? Is it intrinsic or material?

Once you open that door, it's a lot harder to close if you change your mind. If you don't stike it down, you will become more replacable than you can possibly imagine. (just couldn't resist,...sorry)


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CarlosCM
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 13, 2008 - 02:47 PM (#43281)

If you feel threatened about her finding new boyfriends, make a rule about how she can't sleep with the same person twice.

If she just wants to be with other people, maybe you could try some roleplaying?


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 13, 2008 - 03:55 PM (#43283)
In Response to CarlosCM (#43281):

A few more questions that may help you decide how you feel about all this:

* Have you ever asked this girlfriend, or previous girlfriends, who they had slept with?

* If so, how much did you want to know? How many details did they give you? How comfortable were you with knowing the answers?

* If your girlfriend does have sex with other guys, how much will you want to know? How much will she want to tell you?

* How many times would she have to schtupp one particular guy before you decided that she wasn't your girlfriend any more?


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handle
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 12:45 AM (#43287)

Sorry mate, but I think you're screwed. You mention she's a girlfriend of six years. So, unless you're waiting on getting out of school, what's the hold up on getting married or committed in some way? It seems like you're long past a point of commitment or breakup, and to me, it seems like the later is the option she's going for.

She told you those things because she doesn't want to hurt you. Six years is a lot of time to spend with somebody and she wouldn't want you to hate her either. Also, this doesn't have to be about sex. You didn't specify what "be with other men" meant. It could very well mean sex AND the other stuff like hand holding in the park, with you out of the picture.

I'm just going off of my limited experience, so I could be wrong. However, a couple things are pretty clear: she is not that interested in you as she once was, and you are doubting your ability to offer something unique and irreplaceable to your girlfriend.

Improve yourself, if you can. You'll relight the relationship, or you'll be in tiptop shape to find a girl who appreciates you. Best of luck, and may things turn out well for you!


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Threesome
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 02:35 AM (#43288)

Yes, girls think like this. Don't worry, you're fine.

Most people mistake sex with intimacy. There is a vast difference, and you can love one person and want to spend the rest of your life with her or him, and yet have the desire to have other sexual partners.

Your problem at the moment is the uncertainty whether her bringing this up means that your relationship might be doomed, or break apart. And it might. If you let her go ahead with it, and then realize that you have an enormous problem with it it can ruin everything. But then, so can her getting a job somewhere else.

So, first you must be certain that you are really okay with it, and THEN STICK TO THAT.

A very important part of it is honesty. She can sleep around (and so can you), but you have to be honest about it and tell the other - within reason. Discuss which level of detail is comfortable for you. But above all, be honest.

Secondly, discuss a filter system. My girlfriend can (and does) sleep with other men and women, but there are certain rules. I usually do not permit her to sleep with men I am friends with, or men I work for, or people I work with, and she doesn't want me to sleep with women that are like a little sister to her. Or her actual sisters - she made that pretty clear.

You then have to see how you would like to proceed. Do you want to meet those guys she sleeps with ? Check them out ? Give them permission to fuck your girlfriend, maybe even join in ? Or do you prefer if she goes off and comes back and you are not involved ? If you don't even know the guys ?

Think about what both of you want, and how you want to do it. Discuss it. At this stage talking to each other is vitally important.

Oh, and I have absolutely no idea why you would think men are led to believe that women don't want to sleep with other men.

When the US did compulsory blood tests in the 50s, they found that 1/5 of all children had a blood type that was impossible, given their parents. Which means that at least 1/5 of all US children were not their father's.

Oh, and I just read the question again. She has mentioned her curiosity - which means she does not have the desire, per se, but hasn't had many sexual partners and feels that she is lacking comparison. If you are her first, then she is wondering how else sex could feel, and if there is more out there. You probably have the same feelings, sometimes.

Seriously ? If you are worried, let her sleep with other guys. Nothing galls the curious search for new experiences like a one-night stand. You have six years of experience with her, you know her buttons to press and places to squeeze. Most one-night stands are pretty miserable in comparison. So you have nothing to worry about, and heaps to gain. Because there are vast benefits to it ;-)


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anonymous
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 03:53 AM (#43289)

I think she just wants to feel the chase again. You could always try getting one of those prepaid cellphones, send her some provocative texts from a secret admirer (i.e. you), and see if she takes the bait. End up meeting her in a hotel and see the look on her face when you open the door. Bang her brains out and then see if she still wants to be with other guys :) I'm telling you, it is all about the chase, and teasing guys enough to know that she still has 'it'.


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kitsune13
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 02:38 PM (#43295)

The question is - is she only interested in the sex or a relationship?

As JonEric said, there are alternatives to monogamous relationships - some are more oriented towards sexual expression (what I term swinging) and those towards multiple loves or relationships (what I term polyamory).

The thing I recommend is communicate, communicate, communicate. Find out what she wants, what you want and how you can meet in the middle with an acceptable compromise. Jealousy can be an important issue here.

I am in a polyamorous relationship. I have a husband, a live in sweetie and a long distance relationship. I love them differently, but not better than each other. I treasure my time with each, and also do care deeply for them and their loves as well. This takes a lot of communication, so no one is left out and that no one feels slighted. I have been very fortunate, as have been my loves.

Just because I love F. doesn't mean I don't love N. or A. They are all special. They are all my treasures and loves, and my loves want me happy. I'm not monogamous - I discovered this after a few years of marriage - and am still married after 14 years. It can work.

Just communicate. Love each other. And find out what you both need. Poly isn't for everyone. Nor is mono.

Good luck!


--
"All you need is love, love...love is all you need" the Beatles
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Hammy
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 14, 2008 - 03:43 PM (#43296)

Is this a no brainer?!?! I don't care what everyone else is saying, once your woman says "I wanna have sex with another man", then it's game over pal! Why would she even tell you this?!?!?! Sure people can FANTASIZE about having sex with others while in a relationship, but to actively want to pursue it...that's over the top. Unless you are 17 and this is your first girlfriend AND you lost your virginity to her...AND she makes a hell of a delicious sammich, there is no question about moving on!!!


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niblik
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, June 15, 2008 - 12:56 PM (#43308)
In Response to Hammy (#43296):

Sadly, I must agree with the posters who are recommending that your relationship is in trouble.
If she is trying to convince you to open up your relationship to polygamy then I can speak from personal experience: dump her.
She may tell you lots of reasonable sounding things about why opening up your relationship can work, but in the end you are being asked for her to share her feelings and affections with someone that is not you. It will cost you.
Are you living together? Are you splitting rent and groceries? I was paying all the bills while the woman who told me she loved me was sleeping with other men and then went on to tell me that she just wasn't physically attracted to me anymore.
Of course, sponging off of me was just fine with her.
Avoid the very unpleasant road that your girlfriend may be leading you down. Be straight up and honest with her.
If she wants to open up your relationship then for the sake of your own self-worth, cut her loose.
It will hurt,you will cry, and you'll miss her.

But take it from someone who made the mistake of considering a polygamist relationship: it will be like dipping your heart and soul in acid.

Don't do that to yourself. Let her go.


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flyingdics
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 17, 2008 - 12:08 PM (#43347)

This can work if you are up to it. My girlfriend of 4 years spent the first three years very insistent that she could never understand why people cheat or want to go outside our relationship. Then she got a crush on a coworker, and brought up the idea of making out with him. I didn't mind, and she's pursued guys she's had minor crushes on ever since, and gone from making out to sex with them. I theoretically have the same right to go outside the relationship, but I haven't really had the motivation or opportunities.

The things that make it work are that she only picks guys who are not going to be a threat to our relationship, and that we talk about the details. If you decide that it's worth it for her to pursue, don't sweep it under the rug, hash out boundaries and talk about it when it happens. Otherwise you'll be sowing seeds of resentment.

Don't feel too pressured to do it. If you can't handle it or don't want to, it's a reasonable boundary to ask for that she be monogamous.


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Ghola
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 17, 2008 - 01:20 PM (#43350)

To answer the questions:

Yes, People can be attracted to other people and still be in love with someone else. Love is *mental* Sex is *chemical* You have, I'm sure, seen an attractive girl and wondered what she'd be like in bed. It happens. Expect it to happen. So yes, you've been bamboozled into believing that a woman in love will never stray.

However, that chemical reaction is not a green light to jump anyone that strikes your fancy. For men or for women. Her bringing it up could be a danger signal, but considering the age of the relationship, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say you two were the first people you each boned. If that's the case, then it's a not as bad as it first seems. If she's showing interest in an actual person, rather then just the idea of being with another guy, then you may have cause for concern.

I do have to agree with a few others in wondering what she expects *you* to do while she'd be off with another guy. And, more importantly, her stance on *you* seeing other women if she would go through with her idea. Fair is fair after all.

But that's neither here nor there. Talk to her, find out just what it is about the idea of another guy that appeals to her. If it's just a case of "New car smell", maybe the both of you should split up for a while and explore the fish tank, get it out of your systems.

If your six year relationship can't weather that, then it's probably not worth the long haul.


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mechgogo
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008 - 09:05 AM (#43366)

I have to agree with Threesome. Polyamory can work and work quite well provided the rules are negotiated and stuck to before things get going in that direction and provided people understand it's going to be hard work and are willing to DO THE WORK.

I've been in a polyamorous relationship for 15 years now and my wifes devotion is one of the few things in this world I have absoloute belief in. But you have to go in with your eyes open. Jealousy and doubts are probably going to pop up. Face them head on, work through them and keep moving forward. And while you're at it remember that human beings make mistakes. Patience, love and open honest communication go a long way towards making this kind of arrangement-or any other kind for that matter-work.

Best of luck buddy.
Mech


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Can't Stop At Just One... (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, June 19, 2008 - 12:39 AM (#43385)

If you and she have been monogamous for six years, I'd be willing to bet that polyamory isn't for you.

What I suspect is going on here is one of three things:

* She's genuinely curious about other guys, since she really doesn't have much experience with anyone but you. In that case, if she experiments, you've probably lost her. I'm going to assume you're an average lover -- most of us are -- and if she sleeps around she's likely to find at least one guy who's better than you. (More romantic, better hung, handsomer, more enthusiastic, more attentive, more skilled, able to lick his eyebrows, whatever.)

* She's trying to dump you, but she wants to let you down easy.

* She's hinting. A less subtle way to get the message across would be to say, "Look, blockhead, we've been together for six freakin' years! Are you ever gonna marry me? If not, I want to have some fun before my shelf life expires!"


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