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She really let herself go... to McDonald's... Baskin Robbins... Cheesecake Factory... (26 comments)
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She really let herself go... to McDonald's... Baskin Robbins... Cheesecake Factory...

Friday, June 20, 2008 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... My wife and I have been married six years. We're in our mid-30s now, no children, and I am seriously contemplating divorce. Here's why: I work out at the gym four days a week to keep my weight down and maintain a good appearance. My wife, however, has shown no desire to stay attractive. She has really let her weight get out of control, never exercises and has gradually become unattractive to me. I have been faithful to her, but our sex life has dwindled away because of no attraction. What can I do?
Uriko
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 20, 2008 - 01:15 AM (#43411)

Maybe there is a reason for her weight gain.

She could eat in an attempt to fill her life with something she feels is missing. The problem could also be that she didn't feel attractive to start with, and therefore feels that there is no reason to "fight" to stay attractive.
She may not look very attractive now, but was that the reason you married her?

Before you just give her the big "I'm leaving you"-sign, I would try to take a look at why the situation has turned into this. Maybe she just needs a helping hand to start throwing off the extra pounds? She could be just as sad about the weight gain as you apparently are.


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pecoros7
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 20, 2008 - 02:22 AM (#43414)

This is often a difficult subject to bring up with your wife. Weight tends to be a very touchy subject and can become a very painful conversation very quickly. I will graciously assume that you have broached the subject with her, but one must wonder how.

Bear in mind the human inclination to hear things that were never said. You can say, "Honey, I'm worried about your weight." and somehow, she hears, "Wow you've gotten fat." As such, these messy little subjects warrant caution.

When discussing a sensitive topic like this one, try to avoid anything that can sound like an attack, such as negative adjectives or blame words. DO NOT mention that you are considering a divorce. This may cause her to become defensive or angry and communication may shut down. Instead, try to focus on the positive effects of lifestyle change. When you stay positive, it helps her stay positive.

Try inviting her to work out with you. She may be more inclined to exercize if it is a shared activity. It becomes quality time instead of work. You can also try incorporating healthy eating habbits by being creative in the kitchen. There are lots of ways to improve the way you eat without resorting to a strict diet of celerey and rice cakes. Cooking together and having fun with it can make these dietary changes easier to digest.


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sarahl
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 20, 2008 - 10:48 AM (#43418)

Has your wife had a doctor's visit lately? She could be suffering from hypothyroidism or some other disease that makes it easy to gain and hard to lose weight. I know that I gained 30-50 pounds the first year I was married through a combination of medication side effects and hypothyroidism. I've struggled with my weight ever since developing hypothyroidism, and it makes losing weight difficult to impossible. I can get the health benefits of eating better and exercising, but my weight barely budges.

As has been previously stated, weight is a touchy issue, especially with women. I'm guessing your wife knows she's not attractive to you any more, since you say your sex life has dwindled. Why do you think she hasn't done anything about it? It could be a (relatively) straightforward health issue. It could be that she is intimidated about trying diet and exercise because she feels that you will be comparing her progress to yours, when studies have shown that men and women lose weight differently. You mention that you don't have any children; was this a mutual decision? Have you discussed it recently? I hate to drag out the whole "emotional eating" thing, but if her biological clock is kicking her in the butt, it may be causing her some emotional issues.

Finally, IMO, there is more to marriage than physical attraction. Admittedly, sex is a big part. But there must have been something other than physical attraction that drew you to this woman in the first place. If you love her, talk to her, try to work it out.


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LizKitten
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 20, 2008 - 12:13 PM (#43420)

Let me tell you a story.

After my parents got married, my father likewise stayed fit, while my mother gained a -drastic- amount of weight. She tells me that the reason she did so was the fact that now she was no longer single, she didn't know how to handle the unwanted attention, and was bad at saying no. So she made sure there was no unwanted attention. It's possible that it's her way of staying faithful to you.


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Maeloch
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 20, 2008 - 12:14 PM (#43421)

Physical intimacy is what differentiates a "relationship" from a friendship. Your wife has transformed into your roommate.

The best time to have solved this was before it became a problem. Most problems occur because people don't talk to each other about their expectations, and wait until issues become big before dealing with them. A 10-20 pound weight gain is much easier to deal with then a 50 pound weight gain.

Some people (both men and women) treat marriage as a goal, that once they achieve it, they don't have to work for it anymore. Men may stop being romantic, and women may stop trying to look good (or vice versa). A marriage is more like a plant that you have to care for and nurture, or it will wither and die.

Some may think I am shallow, but why should looks be all or nothing. In order to not be thought of as shallow, do I have to date someone who makes my skin crawl? If your wife doesn't think looks matter, why did she remain thin into her late 20s, and get fat only after she got married?

Unlike some of the previous posters, I don't think you should pussyfoot around this issue. Don't threaten to divorce her, but let her know that her weight is a serious problem. If she refuses to work on it, divorce her, because she obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

If you do try to work on this together, be careful that she doesn't try to trap you in the marriage in other ways, such as getting pregnant.

Maeloch

P.S. I have some sympathy for your wife, since I have been struggling with my weight since elementary school (I had a "beer belly" in 3rd grade). When my ex-wife left me (which she says was because I was overweight (6'4" and 240 lbs.)), I was riding my bicycle for a half hour every weekday, and had been off a year-long Atkin's diet for 6 months (BTW, don't go on the Atkin's diet. You do lose weight, but it does bad things to your body). I currently work out 3 to 4 times a week, eat a vegan diet, and I am still nowhere near where I want to be.

On the other hand, your wife has only had a "weight problem" for 6 years, and will probably have a much easier time taking it off then I do.


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Maeloch
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 20, 2008 - 12:39 PM (#43422)
In Response to LizKitten (#43420):

When I was in my 20s, I told myself that I didn't want to work on losing weight for my ex-wife, because if I looked better, I might want to explore other options (with other women). I realize now that it was just a lame excuse I told myself so I wouldn't have to make any effort.

You should either be strong enough to reject all other attention you receive, or you should not get married.


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kitsune13
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 20, 2008 - 01:23 PM (#43423)

After marriage, usually both start to gain weight. The urge to be slender to attract a mate is no longer part of the equation. Mate found...one can relax.

I gained weight after marriage as well. We both did - sedentary jobs do not help either. Also, I have seen sex drive go down after marriage as well - there is a sense of being there always, and possibly be taken for granted. This does not help.

It helps if you try to do things as a team, and try to be sensitive. None of us likes to be called fat. Most of the time, we're frustrated with it too and see no way out.

 American society is obsessed with the anorexic ideal as beauty. Being pencil thin, to be honest, is not healthy. And it can become an obsession in itself - must diet, must get smaller...to the point that it becomes a person's entire life.

You say she has put no effort for being attractive? Have you tried to go out on romantic dates and made it an event? Have you seen if there are alternate ways for sex that may make it interesting? Or are you just turned off that she has gained weight?

I personally think it is shallow to divorce someone because they gained weight. But that is just me. I love my husband. It's the mind and heart that are the most important. Not the physical shell.


--
"All you need is love, love...love is all you need" the Beatles
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TheOriginalJes
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 20, 2008 - 03:18 PM (#43424)

I'd like to add just two things -

1. Oddly enough, the wife and I were talking about something similar just last night. She had the realization that, in her childhood, her own mother was openly of the opinion that a woman who spent noticable time on her outward appearance must not care about her home or family. Or she would spend that time tending to them. [strangely devout, inner-city catholic italian woman]

My wife then realized that, unknowingly, she had adopted the same philosophy for most of her life. I told her that was the chief drawback of being a dutiful child. The point being; it may be in her upbringing, and she therefore may not believe that she is doing anything wrong.

24 hours ago, I wouldn't have thought of that.

2. Billy Joel is right. Tell her about it. She may not want to hear about it. And it may make you the bad guy.

But, what do you really have to lose if you are already contemplating divorce?


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solman
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 21, 2008 - 11:06 AM (#43428)

You have a problem. You are unhappy with your sex life. This unhappiness is the result of your wife's weight gain.

You feel that this issue is so serious that divorce is better than living with your current situation.

If you take your marriage seriously, you should make every attempt to let your wife know how you feel. This includes:

1. Gently indicating your feelings to her over a period of time. (It may be too late for this, but you owed it to her).

2. Clearly communicating that this is making you very unhappy. This may require being honest to a degree that upsets her, but if SHE takes the marriage seriously, your unhappiness will be an issue for her.

3. Being strongly supportive of any efforts that she makes to lose the weight. 10 pounds may not make her look sexy again, but it is something to be applauded along the way. It takes time (years) to lose vast amounts of weight.

4. If she does not take action or sufficiently aggressive action after being clearly aware of the problem, make sure she understands the seriousness of your feelings. At no point should you use the word divorce. But "ruining my life", "I don't know how I can go on like this" and similar language are appropriate at this stage.

Make she understands that you probably won't continue the marriage if she doesn't act.

Make sure you give her the time and support she needs to act.

Make sure that you are really prepared to throw away your marriage if she is not.


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LizKitten
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 21, 2008 - 12:22 PM (#43430)
In Response to Maeloch (#43422):

No, actually, I could see it with her. She was a size four, got pregnant, got married (in that order), gained about 135 over the course of five or six years, got divorced when I was fourteen, and spent the next two years getting back into a size four. I don't remember things before I was born, but she gets a mad amount of attention these days, and has a problem with the word 'no.'


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wikked
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 23, 2008 - 02:29 PM (#43459)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the problem is just as much you as it is her. If you truly love your wife then sex should be more then just sex and you should be attracted to her no matter what. I hate to sound like Dear Abbey, but you need to get counseling for both of you. If she loves you and values your marriage I'm sure she will try to lose some weight. But, if you really loved her and valued your marriage it wouldn't matter.

People seem to have forgotten what marriage is about. Wedding vows say it very plainly. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live. Seems like the modern vows are just for better or forget it.


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anonymous
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 23, 2008 - 04:36 PM (#43462)

When you go to the store by yourself, try taking off your wedding ring. How does that feel? Relieved or sad? Hopeful or guilty? If you don't feel guilty about it and start looking at other women with lust in your eyes, then perhaps it is time to step back and weigh out the positives and negatives of staying in the marriage. Those costs/benefitss will come to you when you try this experiment.

If the negatives (beyond sex) outweigh the positives, get marriage counseling before making a drastic decision.


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PhillyRefugee
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 24, 2008 - 08:52 AM (#43473)

I have to say that many of these replies seem quite naive. I am living with the same situation, and major weight gain is a real issue. I have been with my wife for over twenty years, love her, and have been faithful the entire time. Leaving aside issues of desire, this kind of weight gain changes many things. We still have a love life, but it is a pale shadow of what it used to be because there is only one position where I can get close enough to her for intercourse. When we were younger we used to walk everywhere together, but that isn't possible anymore because she can't walk more than a short distance at a slow pace.

I have resigned myself to this, but it is an issue every single day. For years I told myself that she couldn't help it, which I can understand since I work out 5 times a week and diet constantly to to barely keep my own weight problems in check, but then she got worried about an upcoming event, started exercising and dieting, and lost the majority of the weight in less than a year. However, once she passed that event, she stopped all of that and put it all back on in the following two years. So now I know that she could lose it, but doesn't choose to.

So, from my point of view, I see my spouse choosing behaviors that seriously degrade our sex life, eliminate some of our shared activities, and are accelerating damage to her hips and knees, so that I am slowly becoming her caretaker. To me, this makes me feel like our relationship is not a priority to her. I think you folks castigating this guy should think a little harder about this, his wife has chosen, consciously or unconsciously, to pursue a lifestyle that damages their relationship.

I plan on staying in my relationship, but I can understand someone deciding that it might not be worth staying committed to a relationship that the other party is not as committed to.


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wikked
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 24, 2008 - 09:48 AM (#43476)
In Response to PhillyRefugee (#43473):

The point Philly is that you are staying with your wife. Marriage means something to you, even though you have described some extreme weight gain. All the guy said was, "she's put on some weight". He doesn't describe anything like what you do.


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solman
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 24, 2008 - 11:54 AM (#43478)
In Response to wikked (#43476):

wikked,

You are missing philly's point.

Serious weight gain is a massive and potentially unacceptable issue in a marriage.

It has the potential to destroy one (or both) partner's happiness.

People decide to stay married all the time despite spousal behavior that includes: gambling addictions, substance addictions, infidelity, emotional abuse and physical abuse.

Just because they have decided to prioritize their marriage first, does not mean that the problems that they tolerate are acceptable or even bearable.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 02:20 AM (#43487)

wikked wrote: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the problem is just as much you as it is her. If you truly love your wife then sex should be more then just sex and you should be attracted to her no matter what. [...] But, if you really loved her and valued your marriage it wouldn't matter.

What color is the sky on your world?

This man's wife has changed her body in such a way that she no longer arouses him. What's he supposed to do if he "really loves her and values his marriage"? Give up sex? Force himself to boink her? Look, I love my grandmother, but I can't imagine any circumstances in which she could inspire me to a woodie. There's waaaay more to a marriage than platonic love!

If you don't believe that sex is an integral part of a marriage for people who are in their mid-30s, then you must have some extremely unrealistic expectations about human relationships.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 10:50 AM (#43491)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#43487):

"If you don't believe that sex is an integral part of a marriage for people who are in their mid-30s, then you must have some extremely unrealistic expectations about human relationships."

-- I don't think he's minimizing the importance of sex, here. But, the depth of human relationships is different for everyone. For some people, respect and companionship take on new, grander meanings, which can be more important than sex. Some call it commitment.

But, everyone has their own unique threshold. And, it seems, the original poster has reached his. Ideally, he would have taken the time to get to know his wife's before marrying her. These days, staying married for the sake of the kids (while a valiant effort) is considered archaic.

-- If all he wants to do is bang a hot chick, then roll over to sleep; well then, perhaps he's living the wrong life. But, he should have made that intention clear from the beginning.

-- Maybe she doesn't care about his feelings in this matter. But, he needs to ask her, not us.

-- In any case leading to divorce, he's going to wind up paying alimony, and most likely child support.

Filing for divorce under alienation of affection is one thing. But filing because your wife is fat can be spun to look like emotional abuse in court. Good luck finding a sympathetic judge.


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CasualNotice
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 11:07 AM (#43492)

Dunno...it all seems kind of vain and shallow to me. He spends four days a week at the gym? Even with only a one-hour workout (and attached warmup and cool down), that's a lot of time out of the house when you consider how much time people spend working and sleeping.

He gives no specifics on his wife's activities other than that she has "really let her weight get out of control", which can mean anything from a little pooch to morbid obesity depending on who you ask.

It really just sounds like he decided he doesn't want to be married any more and is just looking for someone to approve of his excuse.


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wikked
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 09:47 PM (#43506)
In Response to CasualNotice (#43492):

Finally someone sees the same thing I do. Someone who spends as much time at the gym as him will usually see even a little extra weight as too much. Not to mention if he would spend that time going out with his wife she might start wanting to look better for him.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 11:33 PM (#43507)

Casual Notice wrote:

Dunno...it all seems kind of vain and shallow to me. He spends four days a week at the gym? Even with only a one-hour workout (and attached warmup and cool down), that's a lot of time out of the house when you consider how much time people spend working and sleeping.

My guess is that his job is in an office complex with gym facilities, and he works out on his lunch hour instead of popping bonbons and watching Oprah.

He gives no specifics on his wife's activities other than that she has "really let her weight get out of control", which can mean anything from a little pooch to morbid obesity depending on who you ask.

It doesn't matter who you ask. He's the one who wants to make love to his wife, but can't get it up for someone who has gained so much weight that she's physically unattractive to him. Note: She is the one who has changed in the past six years.

It really just sounds like he decided he doesn't want to be married any more and is just looking for someone to approve of his excuse.

Bullshit. He wants to stay married. He wants to have sex. But he just doesn't want to be forced to have sex with someone whose body is unappealing to him.

TheOriginalJes wrote:

-- I don't think he's minimizing the importance of sex, here. But, the depth of human relationships is different for everyone. For some people, respect and companionship take on new, grander meanings, which can be more important than sex. Some call it commitment.

You might want to rethink this statement. Do you really mean to imply that sex and commitment are mutually exclusive?

But, everyone has their own unique threshold. And, it seems, the original poster has reached his. Ideally, he would have taken the time to get to know his wife's before marrying her. These days, staying married for the sake of the kids (while a valiant effort) is considered archaic.

Jes, he's been faithful. And it's his wife that changed, not him.

Here's a simple test for anyone who believes that philia and agape are interchangeable: Try slipping Granny a little tongue action next time you kiss her goodbye.

-- In any case leading to divorce, he's going to wind up paying alimony, and most likely child support.

That's twice you've mentioned kids. Read the question again: "We're in our mid-30s now, no children ..." At this point, I don't think it's at all likely that they'll ever have kids unless the situation is resolved.

Filing for divorce under alienation of affection is one thing. But filing because your wife is fat can be spun to look like emotional abuse in court. Good luck finding a sympathetic judge.

I'll bet you live in New York. The majority of states have no-fault divorce, thank goodness.

Most of the earlier replies (including yours) had some very good suggestions for the fellow who asked the question. I'm taking issue with the attitude that somehow he's to blame ... that even though his wife has changed and as a result their sex life has dwindled to zero, since she shows no sign of regarding this as a problem therefore it isn't one. "If you really loved her, you'd just learn to live with it!" is not a reasonable recommendation, any more than "Go out and bang some hot chicks if the fat bitch won't diet!" would be.

Let's turn the tables: Suppose a woman wrote in complaining that six years after their wedding her husband now showers only once a month, he sees no problem with that, and as a result she can't stand to have sex with him. Would you advise her to just spread 'em and smile for the sake of their marriage?


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Murgatroyd
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 - 11:38 PM (#43508)

Ack! I previewed that post several times, and didn't catch this one:

Change "philia and agape" to "philia and eros ".

(What was I thinking?!)


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, June 26, 2008 - 11:01 AM (#43516)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#43507):

"Do you really mean to imply that sex and commitment are mutually exclusive?"

Not at all. I'm not saying that sex isn't important. Hell, I'm the horniest guy I know. What I am saying, is that in a maturing relationship, sex isn't the only definition of the relationship.

Do you see monogamy as 'sex vs. relationship'?

"Here's a simple test for anyone who believes that philia and agape (eros) are interchangeable: Try slipping Granny a little tongue action next time you kiss her goodbye."

I would hope your grandfather would still feel something for his wife. Or would you tell them to split up and stop having sex, because they are the two most disgusting people you know?

As your own body changes 18-27 yr. old girls may find you increasingly more disgusting. Does that mean you find them any less attractive?

What are you going to do for sex when you're 60 and horny?

"That's twice you've mentioned kids. Read the question again: "We're in our mid-30s now, no children ..." At this point, I don't think it's at all likely that they'll ever have kids unless the situation is resolved."

You're right. I apologize. Someone else's comment was stuck in my mind when I wrote that.

"I'll bet you live in New York. The majority of states have no-fault divorce, thank goodness."

And I'll bet that 'no-fault divorce' doesn't work the way you think it does. It isn't like a pre-nup. You can still sue for $. I have family in GA (a no-fault state) going through a divorce. Trust me, alimony and child support are issues that never go away (except in this case, where I CLEARLY f#*ked up and forgot he doesn't HAVE kids).

"I'm taking issue with the attitude that somehow he's to blame "

I completely agree here. But, it also isn't about assigning blame to his wife, either. There, I see you being just as guilty as the others.

I don't see it about blame or fault, at all. He and she, having traveled their chosen path together, find themselves (six years later) wanting different things. But, he doesn't want those things without his wife.

I know exactly what he's going through. I want to do things with my wife that she wants no part of. We, too, have no children. And sometimes, when I'm upset or emotional over it, I wonder about other possibilities.

My wife and I both have weight issues. I work harder at it than she does, just not as hard as this guy. And, yes, the sex isn't as good as it used to be. But, my life is better with her in it, than it was without her.

My wife fills emotional needs that I didn't realize I had until I had to face the possibility of life without her (medical issues - not weight related).

It's one thing to talk about leaving someone. But, when you find someone you can really bond with, you begin to realize that it's not just about sex anymore. That doesn't minimize the sex... AT ALL! It just means that other important connections are taking root between two people.

Murgatroyd, I don't know what kind of long-term relationships you've had, or what you qualify as a successful relationship. But, for those who place sex at the very top of the list of important things; then I'd say they were either in the wrong relationships, or just like being emotionally alone.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, June 26, 2008 - 11:15 AM (#43517)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#43516):

Sorry, just a two more points.

- I never said that I see him as the bad-guy. I implied that, should it turn ugly, he could be made to look like the bad guy.

- Hypothetically - if my wife decided that she and I were not going to have sex again ever(not effecting anything else in our relationship), then she had better be prepared to accept me to bang any and all willing, hot chicks I can. Because I signed up for monogamy (with her), not chastity.

Just to clarify my position.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 02:07 AM (#43522)

TheOriginalJes wrote:

What I am saying, is that in a maturing relationship, sex isn't the only definition of the relationship.

Do you see monogamy as 'sex vs. relationship'?

Anything but! 8-)

As your own body changes 18-27 yr. old girls may find you increasingly more disgusting. Does that mean you find them any less attractive?

I assure you, I am all too well aware of this. 8-(

You're right. I apologize. Someone else's comment was stuck in my mind when I wrote that.

No apology is warranted. I just wanted to clear things up.

And I'll bet that 'no-fault divorce' doesn't work the way you think it does. It isn't like a pre-nup. You can still sue for $. I have family in GA (a no-fault state) going through a divorce.

I've been through no-fault divorce in California. We both did our best to keep things civilized. After all, the only ones who win in divorce cases are the lawyers.

But I have friends who had acrimonious divorces, and I realize the power of nasty accusations. (One such divorce involved nuclear weapons: false charges of child molestation, which she eventually admitted, under oath, to making up ... seven years later. Yecch.)

"I'm taking issue with the attitude that somehow he's to blame "

I completely agree here. But, it also isn't about assigning blame to his wife, either. There, I see you being just as guilty as the others.

The comment wasn't directed at you so much as to "wikked," who definitely did seem to blame him. And who seems to be inventing a specific backstory for the couple: "Someone who spends as much time at the gym as him will usually see even a little extra weight as too much. Not to mention if he would spend that time going out with his wife she might start wanting to look better for him."

My wife and I both have weight issues. I work harder at it than she does, just not as hard as this guy. And, yes, the sex isn't as good as it used to be. But, my life is better with her in it, than it was without her.

Heh. In my family, I'm the one who needs to lose weight ... and who hates dieting and exercise. (It used to be otherwise.) And the older you get, the more difficult it becomes ... 8-(

Murgatroyd, I don't know what kind of long-term relationships you've had, or what you qualify as a successful relationship. But, for those who place sex at the very top of the list of important things; then I'd say they were either in the wrong relationships, or just like being emotionally alone.

He very likely doesn't have as mature or as balanced a perspective on things as you do. But I imagine him, at age 35 or so, contemplating the choice of either divorcing the woman he still loves or else going without sex for the next few decades. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, and I wouldn't condemn him for being "shallow" (which, to clarify, you didn't do).

But I sure as hell would tell him to talk to her about it!


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Maeloch
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Jan 2008
Re: She really let herself go... to McDonald's... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 12:42 PM (#43537)

To those of you who have stated how unimportant sex is in a marriage: if sex is unimportant, then it should be fine if he has sex with other women. It is fascinating how the importance of sex changes based on the context. If someone is unhappy with their sex life in their marriage, then sex is unimportant, but if someone has an extramarital affair, you really find out how important sex is.

A successful marriage is composed of many aspects, and sex is no less important than any other part. It is up to each couple to define the priorities in their relationship. If their priorities diverge to much, then maybe it is time to find a better match.

What the original author needs to do is talk honestly with his wife about his concerns. He should temper his language to try to prevent it from devolving into an argument, but he needs to get his wife to understand the gravity of the situation.


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