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Bored-room eyes? (43 comments)
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Bored-room eyes?

Friday, June 27, 2008 - 12:06 AM

A reader writes... Q: I'm a high school graduate headed off to college this fall. About three weeks ago I began a friendly relationship with a guy from my work. He is in his early 30s, but all it has been is friendly. We started exchanging text messages and e-mails and two weeks ago attended a client's BBQ together. I had a blast! Since then, we have gone to the mall, the movies and the beach together. I have never considered anything physical because of the huge age difference. People at our work have started to talk about us, and assume we are intimate. My mother just found out about him, and although she trusts me, she thinks that the only reason he has anything to do with me is because he wants sex. I know he is attracted to me. To be honest, I would consider a "friends with benefits" deal if it came down to it, because I would not want to lose his friendship. Is boredom a terrible reason to have sex with someone?
Murgatroyd
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 02:26 AM (#43523)

I know he is attracted to me. To be honest, I would consider a “friends with benefits” deal if it came down to it, because I would not want to lose his friendship. Is boredom a terrible reason to have sex with someone?

Why do you call it boredom? Sounds like friendship to me. And friendship often is a very good reason to deepen a relationship. But ...

I began a friendly relationship with a guy from my work.

Here's the reason not to do it! Ask yourself this: What's the end game to this relationship? Eventually this relationship will end, unless you think he'd marry you.* How will you get along at work when the relationship is over?

And a guy in his early 30s may not be used to "friends with benefits" relationships, so that's another hazard -- how will he handle you schtupping other guys when you're in college? (For that matter, what are you doing that you're so blase about "friends with benefits" in high school?)

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* In some cases the age difference isn't a problem: here [wikipedia.org] is one example.
But don't count on it!


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kitsune13
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 02:43 AM (#43524)

Relationships inside a work environment can be difficult to balance. If the relationship goes further, gossip, innuendo and other factors can follow.

 The best advice I could give is talk with him and see what he wants. Be honest and straightforward. Let him know what opinions may be going around - you don't have to be specific on whom, though. Communication is key here. I wouldn't want to lose a friendship either, so take time to let that become stronger, and talk and see where it goes.

I know my mindset when I was coming out of school is very different from the one I have now, in my 30's.

But to sleep with someone, because bored, or because people may already be thinking that is happening? Nah... I wouldn't use boredom or ennui as reason to sleep with someone.


--
"All you need is love, love...love is all you need" the Beatles
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markdf
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 06:52 AM (#43525)
In Response to kitsune13 (#43524):

Why do you even need a reason? If you want to have sex with this guy, go for it. A reason is not required.
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Stevarooni
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 08:16 AM (#43527)
To be honest, I would consider a “friends with benefits” deal if it came down to it, because I would not want to lose his friendship.
If that's the kind of friendship you have, well...it's not a very good friendship. Boredom isn't a terrible reason to have sex, but using it as a bribe or payment for friendship is.
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ErikTheRed
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 01:17 PM (#43540)

In my experience, it's better to regret doing things than to regret not doing them (obvious caveats, such as killing people and other things you'll go to jail and / or get bad karma for apply). So if you're worried about what happens to your friendship if you screw him versus what happens to your friendship if you don't screw him, then just go ahead and screw him. If it doesn't work out, then your friendship was already screwed anyway. It might just be awkward and you get over it. You both might really like it. You might fall in love. Who knows? No matter what happens, you'll learn something about yourself and how your relate to people, which is the most important thing you can be doing at your age anyway.

The biggest trap I see people in their late teens / early twenties get into is that they think they'll never be able to have that sort of relationship again if they mess it up. Bzzzzzt. Wrong. No matter how cool / hot / sexy / great at kissing / rich / sensitive / caring / whatever the person is, there are more people out there who are just as good or better, and you will find them if things fall apart. Its the fear of relationship failure that is one of the main reasons you see your friends in these crap relationships - because deep down they're terrified they'll never do better. Unless your friend who looks like Quasimodo has hooked up with a supermodel, that simply ain't the case.


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ErikTheRed
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 01:48 PM (#43542)
In Response to ErikTheRed (#43540):

The biggest trap I see people in their late teens / early twenties get into...
Now that I think about it (duh), I have plenty of friends in their thirties and forties in the same trap. So it's just a "global human condition" thing.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 03:31 PM (#43543)

Since your 'going away' to college, I assume that this job is going away, too.

So, if I were you, I wouldn't just do it out of boredom or, even worse, pity. But, if you are curious about it, then why not?

I've passed up on some similar opportunities because I thought I was maintaining some form of integrity. And when my time-machine is finished, I'm gonna go straight back to 1993 and kick my ass, REAL HARD!!

Just use protection, please.


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LizKitten
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 27, 2008 - 07:46 PM (#43549)

The first time I had sex, it was because a) I was horny, b) I was sick of being a virgin, and c) I'd heard the guy was good. He was; he was also 9 years older than me. I've never orgasmed so much in my life since. Now, while I've had more emotionally satisfying sex, that was definitely the best physically... and I barely knew him.

I say, if you can keep it quiet at work, hell, go for it. It's nice to get laid, and you sound like a girl who has.

BTW, Murgatroyd, I'm 22, and let me tell you, them high school kids get up to -such- hijinks these days. The honors students are the ones who use condoms.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 04:44 AM (#43556)

BTW, Murgatroyd, I'm 22, and let me tell you, them high school kids get up to -such- hijinks these days. The honors students are the ones who use condoms.

Oh, I believe you. I am simultaneously appalled and unspeakably envious.


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Hammy
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 02:33 PM (#43566)

You know...we have a term for chicks who bang from boredom...we call 'em whores...so the question is, are you a whore?


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ErikTheRed
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 05:34 PM (#43568)
In Response to Hammy (#43566):

"You know...we have a term for chicks who bang from boredom...we call 'em whores"

Good freaking grief, the 1950s called and wants their morals back. Next thing you'll be telling us that interracial relationships make Baby Jesus cry....


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LisaDroesdov
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 28, 2008 - 07:29 PM (#43570)
In Response to Hammy (#43566):

What do you mean "we?"

I have a term for chicks who bang from boredom, too. "No longer bored."

Seriously, though, if you think you'll lose the friendship if you don't have sex with him, don't do it. If you WANT to have sex with him, do it, safely, and without dragging the bedroom into the office.


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wikked
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, June 29, 2008 - 02:00 PM (#43578)
In Response to ErikTheRed (#43568):

I agree with Hammy. Doesn't matter what decade it is. Morals are morals. If you are having sex because you are bored then you have no morals and no respect for yourself. Honestly, do you really think it is ok to just grab some guy for sex because you are bored?


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Threesome
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 30, 2008 - 02:59 AM (#43589)

Oh My God !

Someone here needs a little trip to the dictionary shop. Look it up - Whore = Woman Who Has Sex For Compensation.

Seriously, if she has sex because she is bored (say, there is nothing on TV) then she might not be very selective, but to disavow her of any moral is kind of rude. Also, the reasoning is flawed. It assumes that a woman's willingness to have sex with other people has any impact on her morals. Provided she does not get pregnant or gets or transmits a STD, there are no losers here.

Besides, she seems to be in a relationship with this guy, and while she does not want an exclusive relationship, she is not entirely disinclined.

The real question we should be asking is whether she also could and would enjoy the sex, or whether she would allow herself to be used by him in order to keep him close.

While I am all for women having sex, I personally draw the line at having sex for reasons other than sex (well, I'd accept intimicy).


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Hammy
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 30, 2008 - 05:44 AM (#43590)

*sigh*

Call it whatever you want...whore, slut, skank, etc... They're pretty versatile words in slang and pretty much cover the basic concept here.

I'm so glad that people on this message board consider themselves so "open" with regards to sex and all, but just to let you all know, you are the minority...and that is assuming you actually believe what you are writing, and not just saying shit to consider yourself so "enlightened". Imagine your sister, or daughter, coming to you with this scenario...you all still cool with the idea of gettin' laid cause she's "bored"?


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Threesome
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 30, 2008 - 06:13 AM (#43591)
In Response to Hammy (#43590):

[SNIP]
Call it whatever you want...whore, slut, skank, etc... They're pretty versatile words in slang and pretty much cover the basic concept here.
[SNAP]

Considering that concepts are always embedded in some kind of system or cultural background, I cannot help but wonder if you are applying the same standards to both men and women.

If a woman has several sexual partners she is a slut. If a man acts in a similar vein he is considered a stud.

There is a very interesting and bigoted tendency in semi-fundamental cultures to correlate a person's worth according to his or sexual partners.

A male virgin is socially less accepted than a male who sleeps around a lot. There might be a cut-off point for the male at which the number of women might have a negative impact, but I am not too sure about that.

Women, on the other hand, seem to lose on social attractivity the more sexual partners they have had. While a female virgin might be belittled somewhat the social stigma of virginity is not quite as bad for women as it is for men.

The "concept" of a slut, that is, a woman who sleeps around, is a difficult one, as "sleeping around" does not really give you guidelines for numbers. At what point does someone qualify as a slut ? When she has had 100 partners ? When she has had 20 partners ? When she has had 2 ? If she has slept with someone after breaking up with you ? Do you consider these partners as a whole, or do you spread them over her active life, or do you set a fixed measurement period ? Thus, a woman who had 100 sexual partners during college, but then settles down and stays with one sexual partner would not always show up as a slut.

Hammy, where I am from, in my culture, I am not in the minority. I may be a bit more open than others in my culture, but, while there are certainly some dinosaurs, the majority of people I come into contact with see things pretty much the same way I do.

Women have the same rights as men, and to judge someones behaviour based on ones sex or gender is unacceptable in modern society. As long as nobody is harmed people should be free to do what they want, how they want.

So, if my daughter comes to me, telling me she's getting laid because she's bored, I will not freak out. It's sex, not some mystical stuff. Don't tell me you never masturbated because you were bored. People like sex - it's one of the reasons we haven't died out. As long as my daughter enjoys it - why shouldn't she do it ? Provided she is careful, doesn't get pregnant or some STD, there is no reason why my daughter shouldn't enjoy getting banged. I'd certainly prefer it to her taking drugs, getting drunk or stealing cars.


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Hammy
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 30, 2008 - 02:24 PM (#43599)
In Response to Threesome (#43591):

Let's just be clear on the subject, shall we?

1) Whatever I say here in response to a female having sex out of boredom, I also hold true for a man who has sex out of boredom. Even though "society" might label them differently (one being a skank and one being a stud), I view them in the same negative light.

2) We are not talking about "numbers" here. If a woman OR a man has many partners, but all through relationships, I have NO problems with that, as their act of sex is more intimate and emotional, and not just a substitute for, say, reading a book.

3) Just for the record (and possible a caveat to item 2 I just mentioned)...when you say:

"Thus, a woman who had 100 sexual partners during college, but then settles down and stays with one sexual partner would not always show up as a slut."

I'm sorry, but if I assume someone had literally 100 partners before settling down, then she WAS a slut.

But really, the main point here to make, threesome, is that your views are a major issue in the world today...WHY is it okay to have sex "just for fun"? Does it really make you open minded? If you consider all the possible consequences (pregnancy, STDs, social stigma), and all the possible alternatives (read a book, play a video game...hell...even masturbation to relieve the tension), then you tell me why this is "okay" just cause "it doesn't hurt nobody". At some point, get some fucking self restraint.

Now, before you get all huffy and write another long response to this, let me remind you that we are not talking about numbers, gender, society, etc... All we are talking about is the REASON for sex. You can call me old fashioned or whatever, but other than expressing a love between two people and/or procreation, I think we should eliminate the concept of sex as a "pass time". It would make the world a better place.


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cronot
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 30, 2008 - 03:23 PM (#43600)
In Response to Threesome (#43591):

Just chiming in that I agree with old-fashioned-Hammy. Then again, I've been reading this forum for a few months now, and I can see that most people around here hold a "liberal" view about sex.

Well, I don't agree with that, and I wish things were different, but I respect and defend your right to think different, as harmful as it may be - not doing so will only make a bad situation worse. That's why I never bothered to say anything when these kinds of controversies arose - such discussions lead to nowhere: You won't change Hammy's (or mine) opinion on the subject, nor he/me will change yours. What's the point?

As for the girl's dillemma, I think any relationship that, to be kept, you need to bargain anything (goods, money, sex, whatever) above affection, is not a good relationship to be in. It may satisfy in the short term, but in long term it will only bring bitterness and sorrow. I think your mom's right: Statistically, he's probably just looking to bang you for awhile, and then move on. It's up to you to decide if you're ok with such a shallow relationship. Of course there's the small chance that this may turn into something serious, or even that you might manage to remain good friends after messing around for awhile, but nowadays, this is really playing lottery. I don't think it's worth it, considering the odds. Sea's full of fish, and all that.


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wikked
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 30, 2008 - 06:49 PM (#43603)
In Response to Threesome (#43591):

I'm not saying anything about her being a slut or anything. I'm just saying that young people these days think that sex has no consequences and it does. What happens if they have sex and the contrceptive fails? No type of birth control is 100%. If she gets pregnant who's going to suffer the consequences? Him? Not likely.

Then what if he feels that she got pregnent on purpose? He could think that she saw him as a guy with a good career and just wants to get child support so she doesn't have to work. What happens in the fall when she is supposed to go off to college if she gets pregnant?

You can sit here and go on and on about how its just sex. But, if you really took the time to think about this girl's, or your own daughter's for that matter, future, you would most likely be telling her to hold off on a serious relationship. Or a sex to kill time relationship.

This girl has a chance to make something of herself. Shes heading off to college in the fall. She can go as far as she wants in the world. But, if she decides sex with this guy she has known for 3 weeks is a good idea because she is bored, she runs the risk of being just another baby's mama working as a waitress and hoping the child support shows up this time.

And before you say anything else let me tell you, I have a 13 year old daughter. I tell her the same thing. I want her to know that there are things more important than sex and if a boy tells her otherwise he doesn't have her best interests in mind.


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Ziaheart
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, July 01, 2008 - 02:04 AM (#43611)

First of all, let me say hi. I'm new.

Second of all, it seems that everyone has touched on whether she should be having sex for boredom or not so I don't think my input here is needed. So I'll just provide some information she can consider before she decides to have sex or not.

From what I've learnt from my sex counsellor, having sex while young increases a woman's chance of getting cervical cancer. So if this is her first time, I would advise her to wait, at least until a few months after she's turned 18, if she hasn't already.

If this is not her first time, then I would advise her to get pep smear every year to make sure she doesn't have cervical cancer; it is possible to get this type of cancer from men.

Also, use condom or diaphragm, even if you are using other types of contraception. Most other types of contraception don't prevent STI.

 A lot of women I know use two types of contraception just in case one fails. But if you decide to only use condoms, remember to use spermicide as well or it won't be as good of a contraceptive method.

 IUD is very good; other than getting yourself surgically sterile (which is irreversible and thus shouldn't be done if you think you could decide to have a child someday), it is the best method out there. However, if using copper IUD, it can worsen your PMS symptoms including cramping, so I wouldn't recommend those if you already have bad case of cramping like I do. Another thing that you need to watch out for if you decide to use any type of IUD is that if you're infected with STI, some of the infection can travel up the string attached to the IUD to spread the infection even deeper, which is not a happy feeling.

So keep these in mind before deciding to have sex. If you know all this already, I apologize; however, I'm only sharing this because I only learned this when I started attending a university. High-school Sex-Ed was quite poor in my high-school. Hope you make a good decision for yourself and that you don't regret it, whichever path you decide to take.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, July 01, 2008 - 09:02 AM (#43617)
In Response to Ziaheart (#43611):

No disrespect meant to your sex counsellor, but my wife works in pharmacy. Most of that cervical cancer talk is poorly supported hype from the pharmaceutical companies. If you re-read what you've posted, I think you'll see that you've stated that "men cause cervical cancer".

--"..., it is possible to get this type of cancer from men."--

It's a lot more like mononucleosis, in that most people already carry the virus. Something just has to trigger it. But, since they can't rule out sex as a trigger, due to a severe lack of accurate data, the industry is more than happy to push their drugs with fear.

Drug industry aside though, it IS better to be safe than sorry.


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LisaDroesdov
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 - 04:05 AM (#43628)
In Response to wikked (#43578):

Yes, actually. I think it's just fine to grab some guy for sex because you are bored, as long as you're safe, honest, and neither of you is expecting anything more out of it than a quick lay to reduce your boredom.

"Morals are morals?"

Try, YOUR morals are YOUR morals. If for YOU it is not okay to have sex because you're bored, I have an easy answer for you: Don't have sex because you're bored. Then YOUR morals are satisfied. Of course, maybe if you got laid more often, you'd be too busy to poke your nose into other people's affairs.

I have lots of respect for myself. I love myself, my career, my accomplishments, and my sexuality. That doesn't preclude me from having sex for reasons you consider immoral.

Enjoy your restrictive, outdated morals, and stay out of my choices.


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CasualNotice
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 - 08:00 AM (#43630)

Hmm..."because you're bored"? That's a pretty lame reason to do anything that requires a lot of effort. Sure, watch a dvd, or rearrange your cds alphabetically and by category, even masturbate if you're bored.

Sex, however, is not a boredom activity. Heck just the necessity of being sure that everyone's on the same page emotionally prevents the act from being a mere boredom reliever. If she'd said "Is sex okay if you like the guy and everyone knows it's just a friendly thing." I'd say go for it.

But if you're just looking to scratch an itch, buy a vibrator, and if he is, buy him a jar of vaseline before you cave to pressure to do something it doesn't sound like you really want to do.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 - 10:58 AM (#43632)
In Response to CasualNotice (#43630):

I'm not so sure that she doesn't really want to do this.

From her original question, I didn't get the impression that he was pressuring her for anything. I think he's just being "Mr. Available-Older-Man".

In fact, her mother seemed to be pressuring her not to do anything. Maybe that's the draw for her (forbidden fruit).

She implied that she's feeling bored, and is therefore contemplating sex with someone for which her mother doesn't approve. Why tell us that part at all? Anybody looking to protect their little girl wouldn't approve, right?

She might just want the drama.


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Hammy
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 - 01:21 PM (#43637)
In Response to LisaDroesdov (#43628):

"Enjoy your restrictive, outdated morals, and stay out of my choices."

You were doing so well until you decided to insult wikked's morals. Really, if you believed what you said regarding "to each their own", then you should have at least respected the other view points. Instead, you make the "tired old" argument about being "enlightened". But let me remind you that in this thread alone, different people have given information on why it is not a good idea, but the "enlightened" camp has only validated their views by saying "if don't hurt nobody and you make sure NOTHING can go wrong (which is another view that is horrendously naive, but I digress) then it's okay!".

So, in all fairness, I am willing to listen to your arguments about how "teh s3x0r" out of boredom (and not the act itself, mind you, only that particular reason) is beneficial (and not just "it feels good" cause we all know that!).

I will be grading on grammar and spelling. Begin....NOW!


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