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Bored-room eyes? (43 comments)
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Northerner
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 - 01:47 PM (#43638)

I don't know about "terrible," but it isn't good for the soul.

Our culture has a ideal about devoted monogamous marriages. There's a reason for it: they're a lot more emotionally satisfying than a series of affairs, and they tend to be a lot better for children who grow up in them.

To really pull it off, though, you need to be chaste -- to be faithful to that one person. Ideally, the relationship seems natural -- you don't even THINK about sex with other people.

Since we're creatures of habit, the best way to do this is with a habit of chastity. That means not having sex with people you're not married to -- even before you're married.

If you want to be able to have a really fulfilling marriage someday, it's best to avoid makign this relationship sexual.


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wikked
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 - 05:05 PM (#43639)
In Response to Hammy (#43637):

It is sad that the "enlightened" people on here tend to attack any view that is not thiers.

There is not, nor has there ever been, any sex safer then no sex. So if you are going to have sex at least try to do it for the right reasons and with someone you truly have some kind of feelings for.

Thats not my morals.

Thats just common sense.


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LisaDroesdov
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, July 02, 2008 - 11:18 PM (#43644)
In Response to Hammy (#43637):

As a professional editor, I resent your implication that my English skills are not up to par.

I also disagree with the assertion that, because I feel that Wikked's morals are outdated and restrictive, I am in the same camp as those who would restrict my personal choices in order to suit their own morals. Wikked is welcome to feel that my morals are over-modern, loose, and downright slutty, should he so desire, so long as he respects my right to make those choices. I am not going to come into his bedroom and tell him that the choices he makes there make him a bad person. I'd appreciate the same courtesy from those who disagree with my lifestyle.

Arguments about why sex out of boredom is beneficial, besides "it feels good?"

I can't speak for the benefits it might provide to anyone besides myself. However, for me:

1. I am no longer bored, unless the partner of the moment is stunningly incompetent.

2. I am in a better mood for the rest of the day, at least.

3. I sleep better when I have sex regularly.

4. Physical activity is preferable to just watching TV when bored, in my opinion. Your brain is far more active during sex than while watching television.

5. Sex creates closer relationships between mature, like-minded people. I try only to have sex with mature, like-minded people who are capable of getting these benefits from casual sex with a friend.

6. Sex makes a great muse. I'm more creative after hooking up with a new partner.

7. Sex with other partners gives me new things to come home and try with my primary partner, making our relationship closer. (I'm polyamorous, if you hadn't noticed, but my primary partner and I recently celebrated anniversary number four).

Summary: If you're bored, and if you're mature enough to handle the casual sex, why NOT engage in a pleasant activity that is good for your physical and mental health?


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Hammy
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 12:46 AM (#43646)
In Response to LisaDroesdov (#43644):

"As a professional editor, I resent your implication that my English skills are not up to par."

It's the internet, chica...any one can say anything about who they are or what they do, which is why no one tries to use it in a conversation. If it helps, I'm actually a super intelligent gorilla in a zoo with access to wi-fi, a laptop and morals! :D

"Wikked is welcome to feel that my morals are over-modern, loose, and downright slutty, should he so desire, so long as he respects my right to make those choices."

That's a bit contradictory, as we are saying that by engaging in said activities, you forfeit any respect based on OUR morals. No one is saying you CAN'T be slutty (knock yourself out), but all we are saying is that it's not necessarily a good thing.

As for the "Top 7 reasons why sex out of boredom is beneficial", I thank you for taking the time to write them out, but in all honesty, other than items 5 and 7, I've heard the same thing said by junkies about their drug of choice. I'll agree on item 5, but unfortunately because we are talking about "sex from boredom" and not "sex with your partner" I don't think it really applies here...do you agree?

Finally, as for item 7, you can just watch porn...it's a lot less likely that you'll pick up "new things" of the venerial kind.

Overall, you really pin pointed the benefits of sex in general...but not about "out of boredom"...no one is arguing that sex is bad if you are in a relationship, but the main point is about "there's nothing good on tv...oh! I know! How about putting your tab A in my slot B?"


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LisaDroesdov
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 01:44 AM (#43648)
In Response to Hammy (#43646):

I think our fundamental disagreement here is that I see no big difference between having sex because I'm bored and having sex for any of the other umpteen reasons one might have sex with a new person. All of the benefits I listed are accessible through having sex because you're bored, at least for a person who's wired the way I am-- that is to say, someone who isn't bothered by casual sex.

There are people for whom sex is very private and intimate. Not so for me. I don't like to have sex with total strangers too often, but if I happen to be bored and in the room with a friend I'm physically attracted to, and if the feeling is mutal, I don't see any reason not to put tabs in slots (safely).

A few other points--

Yes, no method of birth control is perfect. However, I always use two methods of birth control, and I've never had a pregnancy or STI. I take all available measures to ensure my continued health, and I plan to have a tubal ligation as soon as I'm old enough. However, should I become pregnant, I would terminate immediately. My body, my choice, and I'm 100% certain about that. So, there is no chance of a child being created from bored sex.

Secondly, your argument that many of the points I made are used by drug addicts is factually accurate, but holds no water. The comparison is inapt, and the introduction of drugs into the discussion is merely a red herring. Most of my arguments for sex could also be applied to sports, painting, or any number of activities. There's no reason to single out drugs simply because YOUR morals lump drugs and sex together.

Finally, I can respect someone while considering their morals restrictive and outdated. I respect my grandparents very much, for example. I would hope that someone who considers my morals loose and slutty would be similarly able to disagree without putting on blinders that prevent them from seeing anything besides my sexual preferences. If someone loses all respect in your eyes by being sexually promiscuous, you should review the old proverb: "Let he who is without sin throw the first stone."


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 01:58 AM (#43649)

Hi Lisa --

Even though I am hopelessly monogamous, I must admit that many of your observations about the benefits of sex are spot-on. ;-)

A couple of minor points:

... Wikked is welcome to feel that my morals are over-modern, loose, and downright slutty, should he so desire, so long as he respects my right to make those choices.

Although "he" is the traditional default third-person singular pronoun in English, my impression is that wikked may not be not male.

Summary: If you're bored, and if you're mature enough to handle the casual sex, why NOT engage in a pleasant activity that is good for your physical and mental health?

My hunch, based on several cues in the text, is that the author of this question isn't mature enough to handle the casual sex ... although she may think she is. I suspect she'll have an interesting life.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 02:01 AM (#43650)

"... may not be not male."

Arrgh. Strike that second "not."

This is yet another example of why good proofreaders are worth their weight in gold.


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LisaDroesdov
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 02:18 AM (#43651)

Murg--

I agree with you about OP. What I don't agree with is characterizing her as automatically slutty and immoral for considering it. She's not mature enough to handle it, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean she's a worthless whore. That means she has poor judgment, and though she may or may not be naturally dyed-in-the-wool polyamourous, she's not ready to explore that yet or in this situation.

And I apologize to Wikked if I used the wrong pronoun.


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Hammy
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 04:33 AM (#43654)
In Response to LisaDroesdov (#43648):

"However, should I become pregnant, I would terminate immediately. My body, my choice, and I'm 100% certain about that. So, there is no chance of a child being created from bored sex."

I am NOT touching on this one....way to throw gasoline onto the fire!

"Most of my arguments for sex could also be applied to sports, painting, or any number of activities."

Then that further proves my point that you don't need sex to get the benefits. All we are saying is that why does it have to be sex? It's simple logic:

Good outcome: a few moments of bliss (and apparently to Lisa, enlightenment) Bad Outcomes: disease, unwanted pregnancy, mixed emotions (which is more than possible if she is done and he wants more), social stigma (I don't write these rules, but I follow the game), and so on.

So with all this in mind, I don't see why the choice has to be sex to cure boredom.

"Finally, I can respect someone while considering their morals restrictive and outdated."

Yeah...I say a lot of things like this too...but deep down, you'll still call me a "prude" and I'll still call you "loose"...it doesn't mean we can't hang though...we just won't have any casual sex.

Oh...and regarding proverbs...I have one of my own:

Proverbs are like the word "poop",
they're fun to say but mean shit.


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wikked
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 09:47 AM (#43655)
In Response to Hammy (#43654):

Actually I am a guy. I'm a dad with a 13 year old daughter so I have a good reason for feeling like I do.


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wikked
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 12:39 PM (#43658)
In Response to wikked (#43655):

I meant to reply to Murg actually. just realised I hit the reply on hammy.

The problem I have with what lisa says is that everything she has put on here is mainly a suggestion of getting instant gratification with no concerns for the consequences of such actions. That includes the fact that she has a list of reasons why it is ok that are just blanket justifications of why she should be able to do whatever she wants. The fact that Lisa can come here and say she is as careful as possible, but she can get an abortion if she does get pregnant is an immature and simplistic view. The fact that she would attack my point of view and call my ideals "outdated" also shows an immature and simplistic view of life in general.

I have tried to be as mature and reasonable about this as possible. I see this from an older and more responsible point of view. Sex is enjoyable, I agree with that. Its even more enjoyable with someone who you care about and who cares about you.

 Why is not having sex a bad thing?


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CasualNotice
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 03:52 PM (#43662)
In Response to wikked (#43658):

I have tried to be as mature and reasonable about this as possible.

Are you sure about that?

(posted in reference to Hammy's first post which called the original question-asker a whore) I agree with Hammy. Doesn't matter what decade it is. Morals are morals. If you are having sex because you are bored then you have no morals and no respect for yourself. Honestly, do you really think it is ok to just grab some guy for sex because you are bored?

The young lady in question is an adult, not a child. Her morals are hers to have. Her situation is nothing like the one you describe (she's not boiking random strangers on the highway).

I may have expressed misgivings about using intercourse as a boredom-relief technique, but only because there are always strings attached, not because I decided she was in violation of my morals.

For the record, I have a daughter, too. She's twnety-three, and I'm very proud of her. I have no idea what her sex life is like, because it stopped being any of my business when she turned 18. I just trust that I have given her the tools to make wise decisions about her own life.


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anonymous
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 03:52 PM (#43663)

To the original submitted question-

You're heading off the college in the fall and now you've been in your friendly relationship for 4 weeks.

But it seems that when you said, "I have never considered anything physical because of the huge age difference", you're not interested in doing anything physical. That's just how it appears from what you've written.

So I'm curious-- when you bring up the boredom issue at the end of your question, is boredom supposed to mean, "I know he is attracted to me, his age turns me off, but I don't want to lose his friendship by refusing sex so I would be willing to consider having sex with him"? Is that boredom or is that fear of setting limits? I don't know, only you can really answer that.

The bottom line is that you are about to make a major change in your life by going away to college. Having just graduated high school, you are probably feeling like more of an adult now. You'll probably go through more of these kinds of conflicts when you are in college.

You're going to be around many men and women your age, and if that is more agreeable to you, then there's no harm in waiting until you are excited to be with someone. So excited that you don't need advice from anyone on why you should or should not have sex with someone.

On the other hand, if you know how to handle an existing 'friends with benefits' situation if/when you happen to meet someone else who strikes your complete fancy, then have a go at it.


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LisaDroesdov
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 - 10:14 PM (#43667)
In Response to wikked (#43658):

In response to your response to Murg: Having a 13 year old daughter is a good reason to be a loving father. It's a good reason to talk to her about sex and answer her questiosn. It's a good reason to try to impress upon her the morals you hope she will live by. But it's NOT a good reason to try to force your morals on adults. I have a wonderful niece, age 7, who means the world to me. She is tall and beautiful and at age 7 she already has boys fawning all over her. Don't think I don't know what it is to worry about a little girl in a big scary world full of people who'd like to harm and take advantage of her. But her mother and I have talked about this since Niecelet was an infant-- my sister was a wild child, so much so that it's impossible to hide from Niecelet, and we know it's likely Niecelet will repeat some of her mistakes with drugs, alcohol, and sex, because that's how those things go.

Sis and I have had a pact since the kid was tiny that if Niecelet is mature enough to ask a question, she's mature enough to get a truthful answer, and that if and when she does screw up, both of us will be there to rescue her. She has all the risk factors for a really difficult teenagerhood-- absent father, mother who was an addict up until she got pregnant, mother who was a stripper until she was 4, moved many times in a short life, gets along better with grownups than peers... I'm scared for her, sure. But being scared for her doesn't mean I'm going to go butting into strangers' choices and projecting those feelings on them.

In response to your response to me:

Why is not having sex a bad thing?

Oh, I can go without, if need be, and sometimes I do for a few months-- just happens that way sometimes. I'm not the nymphomaniac you seem to think I am. But why is having sex a bad thing? There are risks, sure. But there are also risks to crossing the street, painting, playing sports, eating dinner... Life has risks. Sometimes you enjoy something enough that you're willing to accept some risks.

For example, I ride horses. Now, sure, I could fall off and break my neck and be Christopher Reeve for the rest of my life. And I have broken my tailbone, two toes, and my tibia over the years, and that's getting off easy compared to some injuries I've witnessed. But I like my horses and my hobby enough to accept the risks.

Same thing with sex. There are few things that make me happier than the feeling of closeness with a good friend who also happens to be a sexual partner. Like I said, I rarely have sex with strangers or casual acquaintances, but I don't need sex to be in the constraints of a relationship for it to be happy care about them/they care about you sex.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 04, 2008 - 01:55 AM (#43668)

Lisa wrote:

What I don't agree with is characterizing her as automatically slutty and immoral for considering it. She's not mature enough to handle it, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean she's a worthless whore. That means she has poor judgment, and though she may or may not be naturally dyed-in-the-wool polyamourous, she's not ready to explore that yet or in this situation.

Agreed. And here's one reason that I think she has poor judgment:

My mother just found out about him, and although she trusts me, she thinks that the only reason he has anything to do with me is because he wants sex. I know he is attracted to me. To be honest, I would consider a "friends with benefits" deal if it came down to it, because I would not want to lose his friendship. Is boredom a terrible reason to have sex with someone?

In other words, she's still living with her mother, who trusts her not to have sex ... but either she's been screwing around so much that she regards a "friends with benefits" relationship as no big deal, or she has has not been having sex and has no freakin' idea what the emotional consequences for both parties might be. And either way, she's willing to violate her mother's trust in her.

Her older friend probably would enjoy sex with a vigorous, enthusiastic, good-looking teenager ... for a while. Then it would begin to dawn on him just how shallow she is.


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Hammy
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 04, 2008 - 03:23 AM (#43669)
In Response to CasualNotice (#43662):

Are we still talking about this? :P

I'm pretty sure that by this time, she already had sex with the guy, got married, and had a couple of kids...

Actually, that would be interesting to hear back from these people. Any idea if this is possible or not? Lady, if you posted the question and are reading this, why not give us your take on the whole scenario and what you ultimately decide?


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kitsune13
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 04, 2008 - 11:05 AM (#43672)
In Response to LisaDroesdov (#43667):

It's nice that you already have a safety net out for your niece. Not everyone gets that luxury. :)

I'm afraid, when I grew up, I was told that you endure sex, and you do it for "God and country". Thank goodness I learned better and didn't stick to that ideal.

True, for boredom, I do not sleep around. However, I agree it makes you closer to the person you have slept with. I am a lot closer to my sweeties, than my other friends, because I love them more and so sleep with them. I couldn't sleep with someone I didn't love. But, that's just me.

And yes, I am poly :)


--
"All you need is love, love...love is all you need" the Beatles
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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Bored-room eyes? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, July 07, 2008 - 10:56 AM (#43688)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#43668):

I have to agree with Murg here. I would also add that I've seen too many people (mostly young adults)try to justify to others (and themselves) the things they want to do, but know aren't in their best interest.

--"To be honest, I would consider a "friends with benefits" deal if it came down to it, because I would not want to lose his friendship."--

The honest part - "I would consider a "friends with benefits" deal..."

The justification - "...because I would not want to lose his frienship."

If she didn't want to do it, I don't think she would give a crap if the friendship was on the line, unless she's feeling that he may be Mr. Right, or her self-esteem is that incredibly low. But the tone and wording of her question makes me think she's talked to a number of people already who don't seem think it's ok. So she has a support network, and therefore no real qualifying self-esteem issues. And the odds are strongly against her having found Mr. Right if she's looking at him as a possible FWB.

She's just looking for someone to agree with her "honest"/(horny) part. But, given how opinions evidently vary widely, she just has to decide for herself if gratification is justification enough. Her inability to recognize that is what I read as a lack of maturity.

A small note: neither chastity, monogamy, or polygamy equals maturity. Maturity is handling the responsibilities that come with the choices we make.


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