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He's got her number (12 comments)

He's got her number

Friday, July 11, 2008 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I went to my high school prom with a boy whom I consider a friend, but who I think likes me more than just friends. We had a lot of fun and have hung out since, but only platonically. Recently, he gave my phone number to his best friend, and the best friend and I have been talking, texting and Facebooking ever since. Now, I've fallen hard for the best friend. We can talk for hours about subjects that we both like to talk about. I have told him some things I have never told anyone, and he has done the same. The only problems are: One, I don't know for sure if the first boy wants to be more than friends with me, but I don't want to hurt him and risk our friendship by dating his best friend. And two, I don't know for sure if the best friend feels the same way about me that I do about him. I don't want to risk either friendship, but it is getting harder to hang out with both of them when I like the one that I am not supposed to be outwardly liking. It's confusing and difficult!
hightechartist
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 11, 2008 - 01:28 AM (#43732)

Oh boy. The drama of high school.

Well, I can give you my perspective, but keep in mind I'm 24 and that things can change in those short few years.

For simplicity, I shall refer to the guy that likes you as Mike, and the guy you like Phil.

Now, you have the right to date anyone you want. If you start dating Phil and Mike stops being your friend, Mike needs a reality check.

However, he'd fully be in his rights to a blow out with Phil, who, as his best friend, should know that Mike likes you, and should ask Mike if he's cool with it.

But then again, some guys forget this (as Robin Williams has said, we only have enough blood to operate our brain or our penis, but only one at a time), so you may avoid a lot of drama by simply talking things out with Mike.

I know you girls love your subtly, but just be blunt and tell him that you like one of his friends, but are concerned that you may hurt his feelings, but that you really really like the guy. If he is a true friend, he'll let you be with the guy that makes you happy without resulting to bad behavior.

One last thing though. If Mike does like you, even if he is willing, as a true friend, to let you do what makes you happy, he will be very sad. In the end, its up to you if HIS sadness is worth YOUR happiness.


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ElBueno
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 11, 2008 - 09:35 AM (#43737)

Augh, teen drama.

Listen, I do my best to be constructive when I reply to these questions on CD, but this time, I just can't abide it. Stuff like this is gruelingly irritating. I can't stand it when kids get all worked up over stupid puppy-love issues like this.

All right, so you don't know how either one feels about you. I wonder how you might find out. You obviously can't just suck it up and ask -- that's too scary! No, you should get your best friend to ask her cousin to ask the principal to slip each one a note in class that says "Do you like me? yes/no/maybe". The chain would then relay the notes back to you, and you would immediately eat them and never, EVER look at them because it's just. Too. Scary.

Sigh. All right, I'll throw you a bone here: You're in high school. Socially speaking, nothing that happens in high school counts for anything. You're all going to go off to college soon and meet new people and completely forget about each other. Just pick one. Or pick both. Or pick neither. It does not matter.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you like the second guy better, so if you really need someone to make the decision for you, there you go. Take the second guy.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 11, 2008 - 11:10 AM (#43739)

I'll agree with El Bueno in the fact that in no more than a year from now, this just won't be more than a bitter-sweet memory. You don't need to over-think this.

If your Phil really wants you. He should stand up for himself and say something. And, he should most definitely not be giving your number out to other guys if he intends to keep you. I know because I've been that guy.

You just have to do what will make you happy.

But, since you are aware of the possibility of his feelings, I believe you owe it to him as a friend to talk to him first. Find out what he really wants, then tell him what you've decided.

He could probably use the learning experience. And, if he can't handle it emotionally, then he wasn't ready for you anyway.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 11, 2008 - 11:12 AM (#43740)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#43739):

Sorry, I think I meant your Mike. Not your Phil.


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LizKitten
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 11, 2008 - 06:33 PM (#43745)

Wow, darlin. Congratulations. You confused me. That hardly ever happens when I'm not at work.

Okay. So I hate to break it to -these- people, but for some of us, high school does matter. I'm still best friends with the girl and guy that I met in high school; I see both regularly; most of my friends are people that I've known since high school. No one else can hack us for long.

But romantically speaking, they're so right it's not even funny.

And here's the thing-- if someone -does- end up caring later, you're going to think it's creepy and wonder why they're not over it... *did that the other day.*

In any case. Do what you -want- to do. Seriously. Your relationships and your stance in them should be about you. There's a certain amount of give and take involved, but only because you -want- to make the other person happy. Do not so much as hold hands if you don't feel like. And don't "go out" with the guy that, y'know, you don't like.

What are you doing on such an adult forum?


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Ziaheart
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From: Canada

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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, July 12, 2008 - 03:53 PM (#43755)

Okay. So I hate to break it to -these- people, but for some of us, high school does matter. I'm still best friends with the girl and guy that I met in high school; I see both regularly; most of my friends are people that I've known since high school. No one else can hack us for long.

In fact, my best guy friend is my boyfriend, now. I was in the similar situation, except I was the female Phil and my boyfriend was you, and I only liked him platonically mostly because I was concerned for female Mike.

 I ended up going out with another guy, and because boyfriend really did care about me, he understood and was there for me as friend, but stopped pursuing me. Female Mike never hit it off with boyfriend, but he ended up liking a third girl and they started going out.

 In the end, both of us broke up with our respective love interest, and after a considerable amount of time, ended up with each other finally.

 SO I guess what I'm saying is, if he really likes you and cares for you, he should be fine with you being with whomever you think will make you happy, but be there for you as friend, no matter what you choose. If not, he didn't really like you IMHO. And if you don't choose him now, it doesn't mean that you can't ever choose him again; life is pretty long; you'll have plenty of chances to get together with him if and when you feel you want to be with him, if you're just willing to swallow your pride and he's willing to forgive and be there for you.

 hope this all made sense... I'm sleep deprived and incoherent. haha.


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Grim
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, July 12, 2008 - 09:27 PM (#43757)

In my opinion, there is one thing to keep in mind about this whole situation: Honesty is the best policy. Don't keep trying to hide things or lie, or else everything will eventually just blow up in your face. Be forward about your feelings, to both the guys. (probably to your longer friend first.)

Asking him about it may seem awkward, (particularly if he dosn't actually like you that way). However, if he does like you, going out with his friend might create a mess if you don't tell him first. (Then again it might not.) And if he isn't cool with it, he dosn't really care about you anyways. (Hate to sound so mean about that last part, but it's the truth.)


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Waterfly
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, July 13, 2008 - 12:10 PM (#43759)

The main thing that stands out to me in all this is that he gave the other guy your number. To me, unless it was under false pretenses or some such, that says he gave his blessing/permission/ whatever for the two of you to do your own thing if you so chose. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I got out of it. You can't help who you click with, and if you like the second guy and think he might like you, say something. The worst that can happen is that he says no(you'll get over it) or the first guy gets into a snit for a while(he'll get over it).


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, July 13, 2008 - 06:28 PM (#43760)
In Response to LizKitten (#43745):

--"Okay. So I hate to break it to -these- people, but for some of us, high school does matter."--

Nobody said friendships don't matter. And, nobody said this was about high school.

And I don't know who "-these- people" are, but what you're trying to "break" to them seems incidental to the question.

Thanks for the diversion, though.

--"What are you doing on such an adult forum?"--

I don't think she's looking to be shamed into not asking advice from those who have the experience from which to draw.

It isn't like this forum is exclusive to 21+.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - 01:14 AM (#43781)

Grim wrote:

In my opinion, there is one thing to keep in mind about this whole situation: Honesty is the best policy. Don't keep trying to hide things or lie, or else everything will eventually just blow up in your face. Be forward about your feelings, to both the guys.

What. He. Said.

It's confusing and difficult!

Welcome to the world, honey. Y'know what?
It never gets any easier.
(But it's worth it!)


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LizKitten
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - 12:20 PM (#43785)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#43760):

*shrug* We go off on a lot of tangents around here. Mine's less controversial than most, I think.

And I just wondered what she was doing on such an adult forum, actually. I don't know how she stumbled across it. Me personally, I kind of like being the baby. =D


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CANgerADAmany
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Re: He's got her number (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, July 15, 2008 - 06:03 PM (#43789)

For those in this forum who think this question is pure "high-school drama", you might want to take a second to imagine that you're single, in your 20's and these two guys are part of your circle of friends. The dynamics may be different and you've probably made more experience with love since high-school but I'm sure the situation is awkward nonetheless.

A couple of years ago, I was interested in my best friend. She and I spent tons of time together. I just couldn't get myself to ever make a move because I was afraid that if she's not interested, then the friendship would suffer. That was when a friend of mine pulled me aside and offered this advice: "Go for it! If she's not interested, it'll be weird for the a week, maybe two but then everything goes back to normal." Sure enough, I made my move, she wasn't interested and within a week, we were hanging out just like we did before.


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