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POLL RESULTS: More than friends...: (11 comments)

POLL: More than friends...

Friday, August 15, 2008 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: There is this girl I like but she has a boyfriend. We attended high school together and we work together. She's been with her boyfriend for over four years, but it doesn't sound like they're getting married anytime soon. I want to come out and tell her I have feelings for her, but I'm afraid if I do and she doesn't feel the same way that the friendship will be ruined. Do you think I should let her know how I feel?

POLL: Should you ever try to pursue a romantic feeling with a friend?
 
21% (181) ABSOLUTELY! It's the perfect foundation!
 
4% (35) NEVER! Why risk the friendship?
 
74% (623) MAYBE. But it's gonna change everything
839 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
CasualNotice
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 15, 2008 - 09:07 AM (#44269)

The operative clause in all this is "She's been with her boyfriend for over four years." Whether or not the relationship is developing at a satifactory rate is, quite frankly, none of your business.

It should be enough to know that she's in a long-term relationship, and you are doing her a disservice by trying to complicate that with your own untested feelings.

If you want to call yourself her friend, find someone else to fall in love with.


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91mr2t
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Aug 2008
Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 15, 2008 - 09:16 AM (#44270)

Kinda tricky situation. Personally I've found that such a suggestion only goes over well with a certain kind of girl in the right situation, and by "go well" I mean not losing the friendship over it. In my case it was a girl I'd gotten close with when she had relationship problems in the past, to the point where she came to me for advice and a sympathetic ear. I asked during a time when she'd broken up with the long term guy and was having even worse trouble with the new guy. She told me she was happy with this new guy (I know she wasn't and they've since had a nasty breakup, but she went back to her original boyfriend who she'd been with for three years) but that she'd keep me in mind. We are still friends, still talk occasionally (she left college where we met during her relationship troubles), but its not moving past that.

Since your friend has got a boyfriend, and has been with him this long, I'd think she's happy where she is right now even if she's not planning for him to be "the one". Try it if you like, but only a really laid-back girl will take it well and not see things become awkward instantly. You should know if she's that kind of girl since you've known her this long. If you do, best case you find out she does feel the same way but was too shy too say anything and you two can live happily ever after together. Worst case, well actually I've seen one and I can imagine another: I'd expect worst case your friendship is ruined, end of story. However, I've also seen a much worse scenario happen when the girl admitted mutual feelings to a guy friend. Its a situation I don't wish on anyone, because the guy ended up losing all his friends and the girl tried to kill herself at one point and almost lost her boyfriend of 7 years (who she actually got engaged to three years ago, so they are really committed). Not a likely scenario, 'cause the guy turned out to be a scumbag who had no respect for the people around him (the girl's boyfriend and I were both friends with him, but that didn't stop him from pushing on her to dump her fiance and try things with him after they admitted those feelings to each other) so as long as you will drop it if she isn't willing to leave her bf regardless of how she feels about you that shouldn't happen.

Basically, be careful. I think most of the time girls are just friends with guys its because those guys are "safe" and they don't have to worry about it getting more complicated than friendship.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 15, 2008 - 10:06 AM (#44271)

Trying to protect the friendship may not be worth the self-imposed torture of hanging in there. I know from personal experience.

You may lose the friendship. But what kind of friendship do you have? Are you just waiting for her to notice you? Are your feelings for her preventing you from taking other women seriously?

If you aren't friends with the boyfriend, then just tell her how you feel. (Don't you owe her that kind of honesty as a friend?)

There is also the possibility that she knows (or suspects) how you feel about her, and is happy with the status quo to bolster her own ego. In that case, your desire to just wait around like a chump (you heard me, CHUMP) will make you the perfect emotional punching bag for her to exercise her hurt feelings from her "real" boyfriend.

High school is over. Time to be the Man. Are you up for it?


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Maeloch
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 15, 2008 - 11:00 AM (#44273)

Are you really her friend, our are you just hanging around to get sloppy seconds?

The main problem is that she is already in a relationship. If she wasn't in a relationship, then I would say go for it. However, if you really are her friend, why would you want to make her life more complicated? Telling her will just make her doubt the motivations behind your friendship.

Even if she is unhappy with her relationship, trying to convince her to leave her boyfriend for you just makes you into the bad guy.

My advice is to just live your life and date other women. If at some point in the future, you are both single and you are still interested, then you can approach her with whatever feelings you have.

Man up, move on, and don't obsess over an unavailable woman.


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wikked
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 15, 2008 - 09:33 PM (#44282)

She has a boyfriend. Case closed. Whether you are friends or not will not change the fact that she is in a relationship. Therefore you should start looking elswhere for a romantic relationship.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, August 16, 2008 - 01:50 AM (#44284)

I voted yes, because the question was worded "Should you ever try to pursue a romantic feeling with a friend?" But it can be tricky ... Two personal examples:

In grad school I was strongly attracted to another student. Alas, although we got along very well together, she was married -- and I liked the guy. She knew I had the warmies for her, and eventually we wound up in a situation in which she made it clear I could have had an affair with her. I didn't, because I didn't want to betray him, I didn't want her to be the sort of person who would betray her husband, and I didn't want to be the sort of person who would do that. Also I was clear headed enough to realize that, one way or another, it would not end well if begun under those circumstances. So I didn't ... but it hurt.

So then she had an affair with someone else. And that really hurt.

Some years later I was strongly attracted to a woman at work, and I could tell she was interested in me. But I was married at the time, going through a rough patch. I told her I was atracted to her, but that I was married and our relationship couldn't be more than "just friends." She agreed; as it happened, she had a boyfriend. We stayed friends.

Fast forward to three years later. My wife and I finally split up, and within a couple of months my friend -- quite independently -- split up with her boyfriend. My friend and I tried dating. It worked out pretty well ... We're coming up on our tenth wedding anniversary next month. :-)


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Groblek
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, August 16, 2008 - 06:35 AM (#44286)

Should you ever try to date friends? Absolutely - I was friends with my wife for nearly 6 years before we dated, and it's made a great foundation for our marriage.

Should the poster try and start a romantic relationship with his friend? Probably not, as she has a long-term relationship. Just because they're not getting married soon doesn't mean they're not committed to each other.


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The7thDoctor
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, August 18, 2008 - 12:55 AM (#44306)

She's been with this guy for four years? Forget it!

No matter what you tell her, she's not going to hear it. Any suggestion you make will be viewed as the worst thing you could possibly say.

And even if she breaks up with this guy, you're nothing but her friend that she can come running to.

Been there, done that, ran the postcard concession.


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inuchan01
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, August 18, 2008 - 05:41 PM (#44333)

I have to say, I agree with everyone else that she has firmly and completely taken herself "off the market," as it were, for a romantic interest. As long as this guy is in her life, I assume she will be dedicated to him.

Now, in response to the poll, about whether a romantic feeling with a friend should EVER be pursued, I say certainly. I was asked out by a good friend (whom I never considered as boyfriend material before that moment, since he seemed uninterested) and 3 years later, we're engaged. It CAN work, just not (usually) if one party is already attached...


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Zeba
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, August 19, 2008 - 12:25 PM (#44361)

Now, I'm of the female variety, and I've actually been in this sort of situation before.

I've had two boyfriends and dated around a bit...Boyfriend 1 was for 3.5 years, boyfriend 2 (current) for 2+ years.

If there is ZERO signs of strife or unhappiness in the relationship she is currently in, I suggest keeping your feelings to yourself for now.

If there are signs that she's just locked in...that the only reason she's still dating this guy is because he's familiar, and she's set into a grove. Well, maybe you should shake her world up a bit and tell her how you feel.

I'm fairly laid back. Over half my friends are guys. Most of the time, I'm seeing someone seriously. However, several of my guy friends have found their own ways to let me know that if it ever ended between my man and I, they would love to take the position in a heartbeat.

What changed AFTER they let me know: If they were subtle, I started talking about how much I loved my man a bit more. If they weren't subtle, I told them that if I was ever interested in something new, I'd ask THEM out.

For anywhere from 2weeks - a few months there was a slight tinge of weirdness, but very little.

THE MAIN THING THAT CHANGED: When my boyfriend and I broke up, I DID consider dating one of the guys that let me know he was into me. I probably would have too had he not been with a girl he was absolutely GA-GA for.

Ways to let her know:
Straight: I know you're dating _____, but I thought I should let you know...if for some reason it doesn't work out with him, I'd love it if you gave me a shot. I debated about this for a bit because, hell, I adore you as a friend. I don't really want this to change anything, I mean, I'm not going to start acting funky.

When to say it: When you're dropping her off after hanging out. The slight twinge of nervous vocabulary helps. Make sure it doesn't sound practiced.

Hint: Now, this is a bit more complicated and easier to screw up. Hinting requires you to drop a few lines...like so

Scenario: She's talking about a fight they had, or how he never does________
Line: ____ has no idea how lucky he is to have you. I'm practically jealous of him!
Line: ____ has no idea how lucky he is to have you. You deserve so much more...
Line: ____ has no idea how lucky he is to have you. If I were dating you... [Finish with something silly, ex: she's complaining about him never cooking...you say you'd make her hot dogs--but you can't promise they won't bounce]


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Paulius
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Re: More than friends... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, September 10, 2008 - 06:57 PM (#44700)

I'm sorry, but the fact that 'it doesn't sound like they're getting married any time soon' has nothing to do with it.

You claim she's your friend, but from your question you appear to have absolutely no respect for her and her relationship. The only thing you seem to be concerned with is YOUR feelings and what YOU want.

Have you thought for a second how declaring your feelings might adversely affect her? Have you thought for a second that she might be happy as she is, and all you're doing is throwing a wrench into the works of her relationship?

Basically, you're being selfish.

I suggest you think about how YOU would feel if you were in a four-year relationship with someone and had a co-worker declare her undying love for you.

I think pursuing a romantic relationship with a friend really IS a great foundation for a relationship...but that doesn't apply when that friend is already in a long term relationship with someone else.


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