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POLL RESULTS: Hospitality Down South: (8 comments)

POLL: Hospitality Down South

Friday, August 22, 2008 - 12:02 AM

A reader writes... Q: I am in a situation that I can't see my way out of. I share an apartment with my high school friend and make barely enough money to pay my half of the rent. We have always gotten along well until recently when it became obvious she was flirting with my boyfriend. I've told her to stop, but she denies doing it. It's mostly subtle things, smiles, dressing provocatively when she knows we'll be hanging out, sexy remarks, that kind of thing. I mentioned it to him, but he says he's never really noticed it. When I suggested we spend more time at his apartment, he refused because it's a dump, which is true. This is really bothering me but I can't afford to move out and my boyfriend isn't cooperating. Can you help?

POLL: What's the best way to handle a roommate who flirts with your significant other?
3% (37) Move out. Now.
15% (157) Talk to the roommate.
7% (75) Warn the Significant Other
32% (338) Find a neutral place to hang out
41% (431) Threesome!
1038 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)

Posts: 2

Aug 2008
Re: Hospitality Down South (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 22, 2008 - 12:59 AM (#44410)

Make a point to go out for coffee or a meal and have your roommate come along. If roommate dresses provocatively or puts the moves on your boyfriend you may need to exclude her largely from activities with him if he is noticing at all.

People flirt by nature of our hormones and such, it may not actually be a conscious effort on her part but if she can't tune it down then you need to help her. The best way to keep an honest person honest is to never give them a chance, the same applies here, the best way to keep a person honest with love is to never give them the option to cheat...casually.

Also for the "threesome" people, if you ever experience a threesome sober or with people you'll have to see after that night it's best not to do it all.

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Posts: 4

Apr 2008
Re: Hospitality Down South (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 22, 2008 - 11:07 AM (#44421)
In Response to Thunderclaws (#44410):

Having experienced threesomes sober, and with people I've seen many times since, I simply can't agree with your last statement. :D

That said, it's not for everyone, especially anyone who has a jealous bone in their body. As the person who asked the original question obviously does -- otherwise the question of someone else flirting with her boyfriend wouldn't be an issue, especially if he's clearly ignoring it.

My advice to the person asking the question: Based on what you've said, I wonder if there *is* anything really to worry about. Relationships are based on trust -- In this case, you need to trust your boyfriend. He's told you that he hasn't noticed any flirting, and you youself have mentioned that what your roommate is doing seems subtle and that she's denyed doing anything deliberately. In which case, there's probably nothing actually going on there. You're most likely reading something into the situation that simply isn't there.

If you *can't* bring yourself to trust him in this, you probably ought to be asking youself *why* you don't trust him. (Or her, for that matter...) Question those feelings, and try to work through them. And do it soon - because those kinds of feelings can ruin a relationship. IMHO.

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Posts: 7

Mar 2003
Re: Hospitality Down South (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 22, 2008 - 11:57 AM (#44423)

Okay, I admit I clicked Threesome, but strictly for the yuks. Based on what I've read from this question, neither the writer nor the roommate are ready to handle such emotions. (There isn't enough info about the boyfriend in this question to say one way or the other.)

I will +1 what zgwartz said about trust. That's pretty much what relationships are based on. Communication helps too.

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Posts: 12

Aug 2008
Re: Hospitality Down South (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, August 23, 2008 - 10:41 AM (#44440)

My own roommate freshman year of college was a little more obvious, as she would stand around in lacy underwear 'debating' what to wear out when my (now ex) boyfriend stopped in for a minute.
My ex was offended, and at least this was beyond obvious.
Try spending time outside of either apartment. Without roommates. If your boyfriend is unwilling to cooperate, you need to make it clear that you cannot spend time with him around someone who makes you uncomfortable while he's there.
If it's his own causing that has made his apartment a dump, he really should clean it up on the behalf of your feelings about being at your own apartment.
To some people, acting in that way is just how they act around the opposite gender, and may not realize that they are offending the other party. Did she tone it down or watch herself when you told her this? If you don't get the message that her behavior is offensive to you across then start looking for other apartments/roommates for the next leasing term.

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Posts: 46

Jan 2008
Threeso... no, really, TALK. (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, August 23, 2008 - 12:59 PM (#44443)

Some people flirt on reflex; it's a tossup whether they will draw a line before things start getting inappropriately physical or not.

Do let the BF know you won't be happy if it gets that far. Do keep an eye out if he starts paying more attention. (If you're hoping for something long term, knowing how much his eyes tend to wander is good to know; if you're not, it will let you know if-and-when you should start considering alternate candidates.)

You should probably talk to the roommate as well; try to pick out specific examples that are well beyond normal friendly behavior so you don't come across as a jealous psycho. ("Smiling at him" is a bad example; "wandering around him in just panties" would be a strong one.)

Playing matchmaker to find a BF might give her something other than your BF to focus on... and possibly, someone else who'll say "stop drooling!" if she's sending excessive signals.

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From: Canada

Posts: 3

Feb 2008
Re: Hospitality Down South (Score: 1)
posted Monday, August 25, 2008 - 01:10 AM (#44457)

As a flirt (and unconscious flirt at that), I agree with what most people said. She might be flirting by reflex, and not even notice it herself, and not really mean anything. God knows there were times when I was surprised when someone hit on me because I was flirting with him and I had no clue until then.

 Anyway, if you're sure that the roommate is fully conscious of herself flirting with your boyfriend and really is after your man, then I'd say find another place to meet. Go for a walk, go for a movie, coffee, anything. A walk in the woods can be a very cheap and romantic date, and gives you two a chance to talk stuff out, as well.

 I would, however, discourage you on moving out or doing anything rash, as if the roommate really doesn't realize herself flirting and doesn't mean any harm, you could offend her and lose her friendship by jumping to conclusions.

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Posts: 205

Jan 2008
Re: Hospitality Down South (Score: 1)
posted Monday, August 25, 2008 - 04:45 PM (#44474)

Hold up, there! This is definitely a time where you should reign in your feelings and think with your head. Because this is just another example of crapping where you eat.

Empowerment and standing up for yourself is great, and all. But, as you've elluded to, you *need* one of these people. And it isn't your boyfriend.

You've already spoken to your roommate and got nowhere. Talking to her again is just going to piss her off. And pissed-off people who think that they are in the right can do some really f*#ked up things, so just don't tempt fate, ok?

If your boyfriend is worth anything, he'll start cleaning up so you can hang at his place. If he doesn't think you're worth that effort, then you really need to look at yourself and think about why you're with him.

You also have to remember that when you bring a guy home, you're bringing him into your roommate's personal space, too. If you don't want her in that part of your life, be more considerate and keep it out of the apartment.

Your best bet is to work on improving your job/income and get your own place. Then, and only then, are you entitled to your sexual freedom at home. I know it sounds prudish. But, imagine yourself on the other side of the wall having to listen to the headboard banging on and on.

Or, see if you can find a guy just for your roommate (if a threesome doesn't work for you).

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Posts: 13

Aug 2008
Re: Hospitality Down South (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, September 10, 2008 - 06:39 PM (#44699)

I'd have to ask a question here. What is your actual *problem* with the flirting?

What I mean is, are you more annoyed about the lack of respect your friend is showing your relationship, or are you honestly worried she's trying to steal your guy...and are you afraid he'll fall for it?

You may have no problem at all, if she is being subtle about it, there's probably no malice there, especially if your boyfriend is telling the truth that he hasn't noticed.

I had a similar problem with my wife, because she'd flirt with people, but she'd be honestly unaware that she was doing it. She just thought she was being funny and friendly.

Repeat after me:

"I know you're not doing it on purpose, and you just have a 'bubbly' personality, but the way you act and talk around my boyfriend is making me my friend, can you tone it down a little please?"

Then just keep an eye on her while trying not to be overly sensitive. If she makes an effort, you have nothing to worry about.

If she doesn't, it's time for a long talk with her about your living situation.

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