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POLL RESULTS: A Cure for Convention Love?: (7 comments)

POLL: A Cure for Convention Love?

Monday, September 08, 2008 - 08:26 PM

A reader writes... Q: I'm in a situation where my heart refuses to obey my mind. Nine years ago, I met this girl, let's call her "Stacey," at a convention. In the emails that followed, I was shocked at how much the two of us had in common. Our tastes on everything were both so eccentric yet so similar, it was like we could read each others minds! We quickly became friends... but I fell completely in love.

She's a sharp girl; she obviously knows I have some amorous feelings (though probably not to what extent), but I'm also certain that she doesn't see me in that light at all.

Nine years later, we're still just friends, and I'm still in love. We've never been on a date. I have dated plenty of other girls in that time, but Stacey is always in the back of my mind. Try as a might, I don't think I've ever gone a day without thinking about her at least once, and its killing me! I feel ashamed and angry at myself that I can't just get over this girl. This isn't normal!

I've tried to "fade out," but eventually she always attempts to re-affirm our friendship and keep me within her reach.

There must be a way for me to cure this obsession. I know it sounds cheesy, but is there a cure for love?
POLL: Is there a cure for this reader's "Con Love"?
 
88% (504) Yes. Ask her out already! If she declines, move on.
 
11% (64) No. It's been nine years! It's not gonna happen.
568 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
cronot
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: A Cure for Convention Love? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, September 08, 2008 - 11:09 PM (#44663)

This will probably sound cheesy to some, but my mother (yes) used to say that love is like a flower: When you don't care for it, it dies.

I don't think that what you feel for her is necessarily love. For me, love is something that is built with time and intimacy (the psycological kind). Obviously, after nine years coexisting, you've probably come to know her more than enough to love her, but you may not necessarily want to spend the rest of your life with someone you love - that would be a love commitment (marriage, if you will). But the need you feel of being with her may well still be an infatuation, and it sure looks like it to me (and yes, it can still be it after all this time). You can't say with full certainty that she's the woman of your dreams, because all you have about her as a lover is from your own conceptions, and not reality. And I guess everyone knows that it's easy to confuse infatuation with love.

Well, with the semantics out of the way, I think there's no other way out other than come out clean and say what you feel. At best, she will give it a go, and then, either it will work out great and you may spend the rest of your lives together, or it doesn't work out (either she can't tune into you or, who knows, you may find she wasn't really the lover you dreamed about!).

At worst, she won't want to try anything, and then you'll have a good excuse to make the friendship just die already (and if that bites her, it may be exactly the nudge she needs to give a try to romance). In any of the "doesn't work out" cases though, you at least get to move on, instead of living with that emotional uncertainty, and in the case it doesn't work you can make it clear to her that you should go your separate ways, even cutting off the friendship completely if its maintenance hurts either or both of you.

And, coming back to the first paragraph: There's no such thing as "everlasting love" (as in romantic love, not the basic felling). It CAN last forever if you feed it, but it also CAN die, if you don't care for it.


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Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: A Cure for Convention Love? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, September 08, 2008 - 11:11 PM (#44664)

Nine years? By this time, she knows how you feel, and she doesn't reciprocate. "Let's be friends" is a very nice idea, but it's a selfish gesture on her part if you have feelings for her. Get out so that you can find someone you can love who'll love you back. Obviously she "values your friendship" enough to keep pulling you back to where your heart is getting slowly wrenched but not enough to let you go. Get out, and stay out.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: A Cure for Convention Love? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, September 09, 2008 - 02:55 AM (#44673)

Do something, dammit!

After nine years, take a risk! What's the worst that can happen?

Omar Khayyam never wrote, "A crumb of bread, a drop of wine, and the dreams of a love that might have been sustain me in the wilderness." There was a reason that didn't happen.


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CasualNotice
Lover

Posts: 49

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: A Cure for Convention Love? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, September 09, 2008 - 07:33 AM (#44675)

As was mentioned earlier, this sounds less like love and more like infatuation.

More to the point she doesn't sound like anyone you know well at all but more like what I would call a "bar friend"—that is, someone you see and know only in a specific context (in this case, conventions and e-mail).

I would suggest that you go ahead and ask her out somewhere, doing something completely unrelated to conventions, and try to get to know her beyond your shared interests. This is important because bar friendships are superficial by nature and can't be counted on to survive the stresses of daily exposure.

If she turns you down, then it should be plain to you that she doesn't want to know you better. In that case, you'll just have to find a way to delete the idealized version of her you've been infatuated with from your mind, and get on with your life (or leave it there, and when your future wife asks you what you're thinking of when you have that weird look, remember to say "Just how lucky I am to have you.")


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: A Cure for Convention Love? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, September 09, 2008 - 10:46 AM (#44676)

If it's really been nine years, I think I can safely assume that you are at least 20 years old. So, I'm going to be a little blunt. (Just because I think a young man in your position needs it.)

-"but I'm also certain that she doesn't see me in that light at all."-

You'll have to qualify that for me. How do we know that really is the case? Could this just be your fear talking? If it's really true, then you need to find a way to put your fantasy behind you. Because you're never going to do anything about it.

After nine years, what's her situation? Maybe she'd welcome a forward change in your relationship.

You're obviously unwilling to severe all ties, or you would have just blocked her e-mail and have been done with her. So, you've left yourself with only two options:

- Grow a pair and make a move.

- Or, just sit there and keep her as your imaginary friend for the rest of your life; never really allowing yourself a chance to feel something real.


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KingMob
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: A Cure for Convention Love? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, September 09, 2008 - 11:42 AM (#44677)

I'm not going to add anything to the discussion on love versus infatuation, because my own views on the subject are rather unclear. I just want to share a little motto that's always helped me out in times like this: Audentes Fortuna iuvat. Fortune favours the daring. I'd advise you to roll the dice and let them fall where they may.

And in case my Latin wasn't enough, here's an xkcd strip that backs me up:

http://xkcd.com/458/


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Paulius
Lover

Posts: 13

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: A Cure for Convention Love? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, September 10, 2008 - 06:27 PM (#44698)

I think your big problem here is that you can't 'move on' because you're still holding on to the hope that the two of you you might still get together.

If you really want to deal with this, there's really only one course of action...and it's not going to be easy.

Call her and tell her how you feel...as plainly and openly as possible.

Without sugar-coating anything, nine years is a long time for nothing to happen between the two of you. There's a good chance she'll shoot you down.

If she says she feels the same way, all well and good.

If she says 'no'... well then it's up to you to decide whether that gives you enough closure to continue as friends, or if that means you bringing your friendship to an end so you can get on with your life.

Long story short, I think you're 'stuck' on Stacey because you'd rather keep the *possibility* of a relationship that actually finding out either way.


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