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POLL RESULTS: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex...: (7 comments)

POLL: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 12:58 AM

A reader writes: Q: Me and my girlfriend have been seeing each other for the past 5 months. Six months ago she broke up with her then-fiance after he accused her of cheating on him.

I had been friends with both of them. He absolutely hates me and thinks I stole her away from him. But he has made a strong effort to stay friends with my girlfriend.

They are also co-workers. My girlfriend mentions him in conversation often, including what he's recently said about me. I've had numerous dreams where he's in them and we reconcile, and I'm almost obsessing over him at this point, thinking if he's happy it must mean impending doom for my relationship.

It also bothers me that she just bought him a birthday present.

If I bring up my concerns about him to my girlfriend she tells me she won't be in another relationship where she's constantly being distrusted. What can I do to put my mind at ease?
POLL: There's one thing to do when your girlfriend has a not-quite-ex Ex...
 
2% (11) Give the g/f a choice: Him or me
 
44% (194) Have a long talk with the g/f about boundaries
 
8% (36) Have a long talk with the ex about boundaries
 
34% (151) Get out of this relationship. Now.
 
9% (43) Wait. Maybe it will get better.
435 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 05:51 AM (#44778)

The last choice in the poll is the closest to what I really want to say, which is that maybe you should consider trusting her. Her last relationship broke up because he didn't trust her.


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CarlosCM
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Posts: 12

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 09:06 AM (#44780)

I'd go with trust too. I've also always put some effort into keeping a friendly relationship with my ex-girlfriends and none of them have ever wanted to cheat on their current relationships.

Women, unlike men, do not think of sex 90% of the time.


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cronot
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Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 - 11:42 AM (#44781)
In Response to CarlosCM (#44780):

Women, unlike men, do not think of sex 90% of the time.

Yes, and the upshot of this is that with women, the relationship is more psychologically bounded. The reason she supposedly broke up sounds too weak to me - while it's not really impossible, it could probably have been worked out with some talking. You may want to check if the break up was completely her doing - in light of her current behavior, that story sounds fishy.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm throwing wood into the fire - I guess I'm old-fashioned, and considering the personalities of each one, I'm torn on this. I just can't picture keeping such a close relationship with someone I broke up with, specially a relationship that was almost a marriage - breaking up an engagement or marriage is almost always a very bitter business. I think myself that getting out of that relationship would probably be the safest thing for you, but I don't know the girl or enough details of the situation to fully recommend that, so maybe the best thing for now is to just wait it out - but not for too long.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - 02:30 AM (#44792)

I'd say talk, but be prepared to walk.

There are some fishy elements to this relationship ...

My girlfriend mentions him in conversation often, including what he's recently said about me

Hmmm. If you hadn't said she was a "girlfriend," I think I would have used the term "manipulative bitch" instead.

Six months ago she broke up with her then-fiance after he accused her of cheating on him.

I'd expect him to walk, not her, if he thought she was cheating on him. Are you sure that isn't what really happened?

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but consider this scenario: Suppose she did cheat on her ex-boyfriend ... just not with you. He finds evidence of the affair. She casually drops hints that she's having the affair with you, to throw him off the scent .. or maybe she just flat-out tells him that it's you. They split up. She takes up with you, but there's no guarantee she isn't seeing her ex behind your back, and there's no guarantee that she isn't still schtupping the hypothetical third guy. Meanwhile, she gets the thril of screwing with your head ... which a few women really do get off on.

It might be worthwhile to have a face-to-face with her ex -- to tell him that you are innocent, to tell him that yoou are very disappointed that he doesn't feel he can be friends with you even though he's still close to her, and to find out exactly what she told him and why he suspected you stole her away from him.

What can I do to put my mind at ease?

Maybe your mind shouldn't be at ease.


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Hammy
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Posts: 10

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Jun 2008
Re: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - 04:10 PM (#44797)

It's really simple:

If you knew the guy more than you knew the girl, you're a douche for getting involved...

If you knew the girl more than you knew the guy, then stop being a douche and tell here that her actions are a bit much...

If you knew them both at the same time (ie met them while they were dating), then, alas, you're back in douche category...

In fact, you're pretty much a douche for hookin' up with a mates woman after they broke up for only a month...


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - 04:29 PM (#44799)
In Response to Hammy (#44797):

I have to agree with Hammy, most of all. While it's true that there are many unknowns, I feel you've painted a picture of the kind of people you spend time with...

We're talking about a female and relationships. She didn't break up with him for something he did. She broke up with him for something he said. And, he never (I'm assuming) said that he didn't love her, so there's plenty of room for him to get back into her heart. This is regardless of whether or not you are in the picture.

If he's smart, he's happier that she's with you than some stranger. After he's laid his groundwork, he may expect you to walk away at some point. She may even expect it.

There's a good chance that you were just the rebound guy. If that's true, your feelings are disposable to them. If your relationship with her is mostly good sex, then the 6 month mark is all you could have expected anyway.

Give her some space and see what happens. But, I'd have to say, the likely candidate for her affections is the one with the word fiance on his resume.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: The Not-Quite-Ex Ex... (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, September 18, 2008 - 02:48 PM (#44825)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#44799):

My apologies. I forgot to ask:

What do you want from a relationship with this woman? Do you see yourself changing diapers with her in the future? Have you even thought about living with her (if you don't already)?

I get the feeling that you didn't think about what was going to happen when you hooked up with her. But, you're there now. So, where do you want it to go?

She's at least on-the-cusp of being ready for a real commitment (or a sucker, depending on the girl). At this point, what are you offering her?

And really think about it before you run up to her and propose. Talk to someone who's been there before.


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