Talk about addicted to being involved! Take some time to be alone.
POLL RESULTS: Going back to hubby...: (8 comments)
POLL: Going back to hubby...
in Reader Questions by Guigar
Friday, September 26, 2008 - 12:05 AM
A reader writes... Q: I'm married but for the past seven years my wife has had no time for me and obviously no longer loves me. We stay together because we can't afford to live apart. We both work for the same employer but in different areas. About 18 months ago I fell in love with a married co-worker. She seemed happily married until about a year ago. She shared all of their problems with me when she needed someone to talk to. I felt this brought me closer to her. About six months ago she went to work in a different part of our building. I found myself realizing how much I had been missing her everytime we ran into each other. I think about her when I go to sleep at night and start thinking about her when I wake up in the morning. A couple of months ago she told me that she had forgiven her husband for everything even though he is a total jerk. I am devestated and am thinking that I'm all alone again -- I've lost something that I thought could make me happy. What should I do -- I still want us to end our marriages and be together.
POLL: This guy should...
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posted Friday, September 26, 2008 - 02:38 AM (#44911)
Whenever a woman or a man has an affair with someone in the office and decide to call it off/try and get their marraige back on track the first thing reccomended in cases like this is transfer out of the office.
Bluntly put she wants to AVOID you. respect her wishes and don't persue her.
posted Friday, September 26, 2008 - 05:11 AM (#44913)
The way you describe your situation doesn't exactly invoke sympathy. You've given up on your marriage and you've had an emotional affair with a co-worker. Now you're obsessing over this woman, a married, unavailable woman. You're off to a bad start.
To start with, you said your wife "obviously" doesn't love you anymore. Have you talked about divorce? If the only reason you're still together is truly because you can't afford to live apart, there's nothing to stop you from getting a divorce. It may b awkward to live with your ex-wife, but no more so than being in a loveless marriage. You can find a new roommate soon enough.
How does your wife feel? Have you discussed the situation with her? Her lack of love may not be as obvious as you think. She may just not be good at showing it. Unless she has told you in no uncertain terms "It's over", you might be able to salvage your marriage.
As far as the new woman, she's back with her husband now. Get over it. Move on. Say goodbye. You don't have any right to interfere further. If she came to you during a hard time in her marriage, she may have painted a much more negative picture of him than was really the case. If you do care about her at all, be happy she's working on her marriage.
posted Friday, September 26, 2008 - 10:32 AM (#44914)
Oh wow. A guy who feels like his wife doesn't love him after seven years of marriage. Who would have thought that could happen....
First, for the most part, ignore just about everything folks have been suggestion to you, including the 50% who think you should get a divorce and start fresh.
Second, there's a reason why we have the term "seven year itch" out there; this happens to a lot of couples. Why? I'm not a marriage counselor (but I play one on the forums), but I would imagine that couples have let life get in the way of being intimate. I mean, let's face it; when you're dating, everything is all peaches and cream, you can't think of anything else but your loved one, etc. However, once the prize has been won (ie: you get married), reality sets in and paying the bills, or getting little Johnny off to school on time, or just making sure Mr. Dithers stays off your back seems more important than taking your wife out on a date. I mean, why bother? You've already won the race.
Well, see that's the problem--you've put other things ahead of spending quality time with your S.O. that you no longer really get together anymore like you did when you were dating. So you stop talking about the sweet nothings and instead you're more concerned about if the mortgage has been paid on time or why little Johnny is making C's in school.
So, how about instead of trashing what seems to be a boring marriage, why don't you see about taking a two week vacation to a bikini top optional beach? Drop little Johnny off at the grandparents and find some place where you two can act like a teenaged couple.
If you can't even do that, then I'd say you should a marriage counselor before you get a divorce, but trust me, he's probably going to suggest the same thing I did, but charge you more.
Your problem is you two don't talk anymore. She probably thinks everything is fine. So instead of throwing away seven plus years of couplehood, why don't you make an attempt to fix things? Your idea of finding someone new is about like trashing the nice BMW you bought last year because someone adjusted the seat wrong and now it's not comfortable to drive. You don't trash the car because of that; you adjust the seat.
posted Friday, September 26, 2008 - 01:11 PM (#44916)
I'm going to start with a cliche..."The grass is always greener".
I think you've set this other woman up as 'perfect' in your head, the solution to all your problems and you think if the two of you could get together, you'd live happily ever after.
Marriages always have problems, and the 'fantasy' of a new relationship rarely measures up to the reality of the real one.
Say you do end your marriage, convince this other woman to get a divorce and get together...who's to say you won't find yourself in the same situation in a couple years time?
In simplest terms, marriages are hard work. There's no movie 'Happily ever after' where things are always perfect forever. It might not be 'romantic' to say so, but it's true.
Lastly, if you're truly unhappy in your marriage, that's something you need to sit down and talk about with your wife. That's obviously what this other woman did with her husband, and if they're working things out, it's just not up to you to decide whether the guy is a jerk or not or whether THEIR marriage is worth saving.
Put simply, her relationship has nothing to do with you, and you have no say in it. How would you feel if you worked things out with your wife, and one of her co-workers tried to talk her into divorcing you...through some misguided sense of 'what's right for her.'?
posted Friday, September 26, 2008 - 03:45 PM (#44919)
In Response to ThatJeff (#44914):
I don't really agree with much of what you're saying here. Mostly because you're reading into it. (I've been guilty of that, myself.)
We don't know how long he's been married. Only the last 7 years have been bad for him.
And, this isn't exactly an itch. He's not trying to live out a fantasy for a moment, and then get back to his "real life".
It seems to me that he's stuck in a situation, and doesn't know how to get out. Instead of looking inward for options, he's looking outward. He wants this other woman to be his salvation. He believes that if she would be with him, everything will be all better.
That's two big mistakes! The only common denominator in his two situations is him. And that's what he needs to fix.
For all we know, he could be alienating his wife. And then, assuming that she's had enough of the marriage.
First, I would suggest one-on-one counseling for him. Let a professional decide if they should explore couples counseling.
Second, I would suggest that he stop jerking off to his fantasy of the other woman. It's one thing to fantasize, but when you fantasize about possibly attainable people, it seeps into your actual marriage like a poison. He should find a hot model on the internet and think of her, instead.
Third, if he does have any feelings left at all for his wife, I'd suggest he start over with a nice, romantic date (like in a REAL restaurant that REQUIRES reservations AND an evening dress code). Don't just think about what's wrong about your wife. Think about what's right about her.
posted Saturday, September 27, 2008 - 02:24 AM (#44926)
I'm with most of the other commenters, but I have a few additional remarks.
First: Yes, talk with your wife. Find out what she thinks has gone wrong in the marriage. Consider going to a counselor.
Second: If you and your wife have given up on your marriage, and you both admit it ... then move on. Your finances can recover from an amicable divorce. (I strongly recommend engaging the services of a single divorce mediator rather than dueling divorce lawyers.) Your finances and your emotional health may not recover from a bitter divorce battle. And guess what! If you have an affair -- with your co-worker or any other woman -- your wife is gonna be pissed whether she loves you or not.
Third: Your friend at work may be avoiding you because she's not the sort of woman who would have an affair with a married man. And this is a good thing. Remember, if she'd do it for you, she could do it to you. (And frankly, I find integrity a turn-on.)
Fourth: If and only if you divorce your wife, then it might be a good idea to stay in touch with that co-worker you're pining for ... because if her husband really is a schmuck then she'll probably have more problems with him in the future. But don't try to put the moves on her -- or any other woman -- until you're free.
Remember the magic formula: First become single again, then take up with other women.
posted Sunday, September 28, 2008 - 10:52 AM (#44933)
I can't believe I overlooked this one...
-"We both work for the same employer but in different areas. About 18 months ago I fell in love with a married co-worker."-
You don't see a problem here?! This kind of secret can't be kept. If it takes more that 3 people (in the telephone game) to get back to your wife, that's a lot. I don't care how big the company is. Somebody was told or noticed something by now.
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