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POLL RESULTS: 'Till Death...: (8 comments)

POLL: 'Till Death...

Friday, October 17, 2008 - 12:05 AM

A reader writes... I told my wife that when I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes sprinkled at the Jersey Shore, where I spent every summer as a kid. She thinks we should be buried side-by-side in the cemetery at her church. I don't think we need to be physically next to each other in death, which she says is cruel and insensitive. Who's right? And how can we solve this problem?
POLL: There's only one way to settle this ...
 
20% (318) Compromise... split the ashes between the Shore and the grave
 
26% (411) One's Final Wishes should be respected. Period.
 
5% (89) The husband should abide his wife's wishes. What does he care? He'll be dead.
 
46% (722) Don't. Die. First.
1540 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
solman
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: 'Till Death... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, October 17, 2008 - 03:27 AM (#45538)

Don't Die First is a serious answer.

Funerals and burial arrangements are for the living. If you die first, being buried at the church will give her much needed comfort. Don't deny her this.

Tell her that you'll spend eternity with her. It will make her happy.

Your marriage vows expire when she dies, at which time you can focus exclusively on making yourself happy.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: 'Till Death... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, October 17, 2008 - 08:55 AM (#45540)

Arrange for someone else to be executor of your estate. Seriously. If she's telling you that she won't respect your wishes on how to be buried, how can you trust her to handle your other affairs? She'll do what's "fair" to her.

Funerals are not only for the survivors. They're to show respect for the dead.

And, since your vows end with death, she really has no say on what you do afterwards.


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Water
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: 'Till Death... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, October 17, 2008 - 10:01 AM (#45542)

I have to agree with the "Don't die first" sentiment. It may mean a lot to you now while you're alive, but it won't amount to anything once you've passed on. I would at least hope that in the afterlife, one wouldn't be upset what happens to the shell. Better things to work on, don't you think?
I guess from my point of view, I find it funny to argue over what to do with the remains, but I understand that it means a lot to both you and your wife, so it requests respect. In this case, I think it would be best to bend to the whims of whoever finds this more important, but in the end, it will come down to who passes away first. If you do, you'll end up in the cemetery but you won't mind too much. If she dies first, then you can bury her and flutter about in New Jersey when it's time.
Just don't let this get in the way of your relationship. You're talking about death that may not happen for either of you for a really long time, so no need to fret about it so much! Right now, it'd be best to bury the hatchet on this one as quickly as possible and get back to being a happy, loving couple.


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Paul1963
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Mar 2006
Re: 'Till Death... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, October 17, 2008 - 11:37 AM (#45544)

Both of your wishes can be carried out. If your wife wants to have a traditional open-casket viewing and a service at the church or in the chapel at the funeral home, she can do so and have your remains cremated afterwards.
Then, a portion of your ashes can be interred at the cemetery and the rest can be scattered at the shore.
My mother wants to be cremated and have her ashes interred beside my father, who wasn't cremated. There's no problem with doing this.

Oh, yeah--whichever friends or family end up doing the scattering should be aware of laws regarding disposition of human remains. In most areas, scattering human ashes in the park or on the beach or over the garden is against the law. People still do it, of course--they just have to be discreet about it so they don't draw unwanted attention.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: 'Till Death... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, October 18, 2008 - 11:59 AM (#45548)

You do realize that once you die, your body (being earthly) is no longer yours, don't you? If you don't believe that, then you'd better start planning on a traditional ancient Egyptian mummification right now.

When my step-father passed, my mother had him cremated and distributed amongst her children. Six months later, she changed her mind and had the ashes collected for burial. My point being that, depending upon who's in charge, you never know what's going to delay your eternal rest.

So yeah, don't die first.


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Bagh33ra
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Oct 2008
Re: 'Till Death... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, October 18, 2008 - 06:05 PM (#45549)

If you die first, you'll be dead. Whether you think you'll be in Heaven, Hell, or completely non-existent, the status of your earthly remains will probably be a) low on your list of priorities, or b) immaterial.

If your wife dies first, you can spend your remaining life knowing that you have your corpse disposed of however you want.

So really, a mixture of D and C. Tell her she can have her way. It'll make both of you happy, till one of you dies.

If she dies first, you can change your mind, and you'll be satisfied.

If you die first, she can have her way, and it'll make her remaining years more content.

Keep in mind; there are a lot more widows around than widowers. Odds are, you'll die first anyway. Why make the time you have left less enjoyable over something that doesn't make a squat of difference once you die?


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: 'Till Death... (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, October 19, 2008 - 02:17 AM (#45550)

She thinks we should be buried side-by-side in the cemetery at her church.

I think I see part of the problem ...

Is it the case that your wife belongs to a sect that forbids cremation, and you (obviously) don't? (For example, some sects hold that come Judgement Day, your own personal physical body will be resurrected by God and spiffied up to better-than-new condition, even if you were embalmed or had a closed-casket funeral ... but you're SOL if you were cremated.)

If the problem is a conflict in religious beliefs ... give up! You'll never win the argument, so you might as well try to keep the peace.

And if that's what it is, you should count your blessings that the doctrinal difference is only about burial vs. cremation. I know of couples in which the husband or wife converted to a religion with much more extreme beliefs. In one couple, the husband converted to Scientology and paid more money than the wife thought they could afford for training that would enable him to ascend ever higher in the church's levels of enlightenment. In another, the wife became a devout Jehovah's Witness; because the husband didn't convert, she knew he was destined to be damned and so she shut him out of her life.


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MrD3071
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Posts: 7

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: 'Till Death... (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, October 19, 2008 - 05:32 PM (#45554)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#45550):

Hmmm gotta say this. Live your lives to the full, together, why do you argue over your death when you still have to live? Although i dont know, dont talk about the passing until you are close to it, hell if your young and your arguing over it i'd be just a slight concerned.

Why argue over it, its not that bigger deal for the present, leave it for the future and ideas will change over time.

My advice, dont let it play on your mind just make sure you have something good to live for, then it becomes beautiful to die, regardles of your final resting place.

D


--
'Love is the light that dissolves the walls between people, countries and humanities'
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