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POLL RESULTS: Room for One More?: (25 comments)

POLL: Room for One More?

Friday, November 28, 2008 - 12:01 AM

Q. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have a kid together, and life is good. Except he keeps asking me about having a threesome. I keep telling him I'm interested, but I'm not. How long before he loses interested?
POLL: What is this woman's best option?
 
1% (7) Keep up the act. He'll get the picture.
 
74% (474) Tell the truth. You're just not into it.
 
12% (79) Give it a try. You just might like it.
 
11% (75) Make sure she makes the choice on the third.
635 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 01:27 AM (#45998)

It's possible that it could be a life-long fetish for the guy. If he's been pestering you for 12 years (you don't mention it in your letter, but for the sake of my reply, that's my assumption), I'm guessing that he won't lose the fantasy. I suggest finding some way to fulfill his fantasy as much as possible; if you're 100% against having someone else in the bedroom, try role-playing. Talk through his fantasies, but always tell him how you truly feel about -DOING- it. If he continues to pester even if you're doing what you can to help satisfy him (assuming he's satisfying you, too) then he needs to shut the heck up. I'm all for Dan Savage's "Good, Giving and Game" but another person in the bedroom is an insurmountable deal if you're not into it.

If it's a much more recent fantasy, then be firm in your answer (though still satisfy it in some way that you're comfortable with) and ask him where he got such an idea.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 02:45 AM (#46001)

I keep telling him I'm interested, but I'm not. How long before he loses interested?

Lady, most men are simple, trusting creatures. When we ask a woman a yes-or-no question and she answers "yes" ... we poor deluded fools often will assume that she actually means "yes" instead of "If you really loved me you'd read my mind and know that I'm lying to you."

Yet again, the answer to the question boils down to: "You idiot! Tell your partner the truth! Now!"


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Bdave
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 04:22 AM (#46002)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#46001):

agreed with Murgatroyd 100% if you're not intrested... WHY DO SAY OTHERWISE?
I mean seriously, are you stupid? be honest with him.


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Guairdean
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 10:07 AM (#46006)

Be honest. If a threesome is out of the question, tell him. However, remind him that women are complex creatures. If the two of you work it right, he'll have more than one woman in the bedroom. Do some roleplaying, be a little wild, let your imagination run rampant. Replacing one fantasy with another might make both of you happier.


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ErikTheRed
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 11:41 AM (#46008)

As mentioned before, the problem is: "I keep telling him I'm interested, but I'm not."

To answer your question "How long before he loses interested?" the answer is "when he loses his penis."

There are three kinds of guys - 1) Guys that say they want to have a threesome, 2) Guys that lie and deny they want a threesome, and 3) Guys that have actually had a threesome (or three). It's one of those things that sounds cool but is actually a lot of work to execute successfully. Think of it as hosting a party versus having a date - it's easy to focus on one person. When you have to ensure that multiple people are having a good time, it's more difficult to stop and smell the roses. A very common case is that the women get completely into each other and the guy just gets to watch.

That being said, when done right it's absolutely amazing. Between jealousy issues and the sheer logistics of things, that's not an easy task. Some of the potential high points for women: having both breasts / nipples licked and sucked at the same time, and having one's clit licked and being fucked at the same time. For some women this will be overstimulation, your mileage may vary, etc., but I have seen these things produce very pleasant results. I'll stop before this goes from exposition to bragging ;-).

One final point: even if you think your husband's a demented perv for wanting this, at least he's being honest about it. Unless he's completely selfish, it's probably uncomfortable for him to bring it up. You owe him the same level of honesty.


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kwydjebo
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 01:19 PM (#46009)

"I keep telling him I'm interested, but I'm not. How long before he loses interested?"
So for a number of years he has expressed interest in an activity that you have also indicated interest in (When in fact you are not), why would he ever lose interest? If your child REALLY wanted to go to Disenyland and you kept saying "Maybe next year, if...." at somepoint, the kid is either going to figure out you're lying and have just been stringing their hopes along, or just may eventually call you on it.
There is nothing wrong with you you not being interested in it, but why aren't you? (No one here needs to know but if you tell hubby the truth, this may help for him to understand and respect your objection) Some women just don't want to share, some think the idea is perverse, others would be fine if the third was a man (surprisingly a lot of guys are NOT into that) Assuming that you love him, just be honest...sure you may crush a Disney dream of his, but better to do that now, than later when he might actually find a willing third...cause THAT conversation would be awkward.


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Paulius
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 02:19 PM (#46010)

How long before he loses interest?

In a word, never.

You have only one option here. Tell him you've thought it over, that you're really NOT interested...wait for the fireworks and hope it eventually blows over.

What you've done is promised your husband the ultimate male fantasy when you have no intention of following through.

Good Luck.


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Klytus
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 02:59 PM (#46011)

Tell him the truth. Period. If that causes a problem, then you need to discuss it - but waiting for him to lose interest is not the answer... especially since he will *never* lose interest.

So, either you agree to give it a shot - and make sure he agrees to the notion that if you don't like it, at least you've tried it, and you never do it again. Or, you
put your foot down and say "NO!"

Either way, it sounds like you all have a lot of things to talk about.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 28, 2008 - 04:09 PM (#46013)

You could start talking about the men you would choose to include in your threesome. When (or if) he starts to protest, tell him it's the only kind you'll consider.

If he says ok, will that solve your problem?


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BillyName99
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, November 29, 2008 - 12:06 AM (#46017)

"I keep telling him I'm interested, but I'm not."

THAT is the problem! Right there!

Rule #1: Be Honest and SAY WHAT YOU ACTUALLY MEAN!

As it was stated in an earlier reply, Guys are Usually direct in their speech. If we say "Hey I'd love to have a Threesome!" We MEAN "Hey I'd love to have a Threesome!"

Also, He won't lose interest. If he has a penis and a pulse, he will be interested.

Now, You might find the idea of inviting another person into your bedroom to be icky, and hey, that's fine. But DON'T LIE and say you're into it when you aren't.

Tell him the truth, tell him that you don't want to share, or that having a stranger in the bedroom just doesn't do it for you.

Whatever your reason, TELL HIM THE TRUTH!!!!!


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Seule
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Nov 2008
Tactics (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, November 29, 2008 - 01:17 AM (#46019)

While admitting that you've been lying may be difficult, telling him that you've changed you mind may be easier.
In specific, if you 'admit' that while the idea itself has some appeal the logistics, in specific actually finding someone you'd be comfortable with, is the killer. Telling him that you aren't willing to put your relationship with him in the hands of any other person may be more palatable to him than just a no.
Most importantly, however, stop leading him on towards something that he'll never get.


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Whimsical
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, November 29, 2008 - 04:12 PM (#46027)

Or, and here's a novel idea: As long as the idea is not a complete turn-off for you, you could try it.

I've been married for 6 years, and for 5 of them my wife would talk about having a threesome, but made it clear that it was something that would stay in the realm of fantasy.

Until about a year ago, when she got drunk enough to lose some of her inhibitions and cyber an old friend of mine while I had actual sex with her. Which led eventually to phone, and now, well, lets just say our next vacation should prove very interesting. And it was all her idea.

The point? (Other than to brag :) ). Unless you're completely replused by the idea, try it. Then, if you don't like it, it doesn't have to happen again; but at least you both will know.

You might be in for a highly pleasant surprise. I sure as heck was.


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Nickolatos
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Apr 2008
Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, November 29, 2008 - 05:35 PM (#46028)

Invite a man.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, November 30, 2008 - 05:05 PM (#46034)
In Response to Whimsical (#46027):

Hey Whimsical, I'm interested to know if the experience changes the way your wife relates to you on any level?


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wpgDBA
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Sep 2008
Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, November 30, 2008 - 09:32 PM (#46037)

Just a point about implications to saying "Yes"

I was the third party in a threesome once. The couple were good friends for a few years before we all became VERY good friends

I never saw them again because I felt too guilty about the whole thing.

You have probably guessed I suggest "Yes means yes and no means no."


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Threesome
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, December 01, 2008 - 12:51 AM (#46039)

Once again I can only agree with everyone. Don't lie to your husband in things like these.

But to bring something new to this discussion, threesomes do not need to involve two women and one man - how does he feel about threesomes with another man ?

It's what I call "training wheels". Threesomes with one woman are actually easier, because both men can concentrate on what they are doing while the woman is getting the benefit of twice the attention (or probably even more than twice the usual amount).


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mechgogo
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Re: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, December 01, 2008 - 08:43 AM (#46044)

A)Odds are he's not going to get over it until he's been there at least once and even then it's even money whether he'll "have gotten it out of his system" or want to continue further. So stalling him is almost certain to not work.

B)You owe it to him and yourself to be honest and say "Hon, I'm sorry but I'm really not that into the idea of a threesome." I've been in a marriage where consentual non-monogamy has been an active part of things since we first got together FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. And I am telling you that you are doing yourself, your man and your marriage a HUGE diservice by not being honest with him.

Sit him down. Talk calmly. Don't attack. Don't play the "If you really loved me..." card. Guys tend to react very very negatively to that one. Make it clear you love him and that a hot, mutually satisfying sex life is as much a priority for you as it is for him but that this is just not something that revs your engine.

 Who knows, maybe you can work out some sort of compromise or maybe you can agree to it as a special treat, like a birthday thing or something. But lying to your husband, however well intentioned, is about as good for your marriage as a bowling ball sized rock of Kryptonite in his Cheerios is for Superman.
Best of luck.
Mech
Ps yes, good readers Superman eats Cheerios for breakfast. Batman likes his Count Chocula-what else?- and God(s) help you if you get between Wonder Woman and bowl of lucky charms.


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usergenericuser
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Re: Invite a man (it's been done) (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 02, 2008 - 05:14 PM (#46058)
In Response to Nickolatos (#46028):

There was an old "Sexy Losers" strip (search for it, NSFW) where this scenario came up.

The punchline was that the wife was given the choice and she wound up dejecting the husband.

Both sides should be wary of what they wish for.


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usergenericuser
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Re: Invite a man (it's been done) (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 02, 2008 - 05:40 PM (#46059)
In Response to usergenericuser (#46058):

(Huh, will we have a chance to edit posts later on?)

I actually found one added punchline right here:
http://www.courting-disaster.com/archive/20050401. html


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Whimsical
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Nov 2008
Re: POLL: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, December 04, 2008 - 01:06 AM (#46074)

TheOriginalJes-

No, not noticeably (although keep in mind that so far all we've done are cyber/phone threesomes, and I'm unsure of how accurate a barometer those would be for rl).

The only real change is that this other persons name pops up quite a bit in our "dirty" talk.

Which is fine by me- I'd be perfectly ok with pulling a "Girls Next Door" kind of relationship if I could get my wife and the other girl to agree.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: POLL: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 05, 2008 - 05:43 PM (#46121)
In Response to Whimsical (#46074):

-"The only real change is that this other persons name pops up quite a bit in our "dirty" talk.

Which is fine by me- I'd be perfectly ok with pulling a "Girls Next Door" kind of relationship..."-

Good luck with that. I assume that by "girl next door", you mean just having something on the side for yourself. My mind just keeps looking for the problems, like if you're wife is saying things like, "Are you thinking of 'her'?"; or, "Is this how you want to do 'her'?", it may be a sensitive area. Even if she agrees to "GND", that wouldn't mean she feels any less alienated from you.

But, I shouldn't assume what she may/may not be saying to you behind closed doors.

Does this change feel positive or negative to you?

FYI - I'm not trying to perv over your life, or anything. I've got family, in the midst of divorce. And there are "3 and 4 way" side issues. Long story short, they can't un-ring those bells. They weren't on the same page. And an attempt to save/spice up the marriage only accelerated it's demise.

If you don't mind some un-solicited advice, watch out for those ambiguous clues. And, it might help you if your wife really feels/believes that you'd forget all about 3-ways if she feels it may come between you two. Also, changing up fantasies may prove to her that you aren't fixated on the one (even if it was her fantasy to begin with, she can still be insecure).


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abb3w
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Yeh gods.... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, December 06, 2008 - 02:55 PM (#46130)
Despite twelve years of marriage, neither of you are acting like grown-ups. You're not being honest about what you feel in an allegedly life-long committed relationship, while he is confusing the spiffy fantasy with the unpredictable and messy reality.

You two need to have a long, perfectly honest talk about what might happen, and why both of you feel however about what might or might not happen. What sort of activities does he have im mind that need the third person; why do they turn him on, and why do they turn you off? "What if he dumps me for her?" is a real worry doubtlessly part of the picture, but "What if I want to dump him for her?" is one of those low-probability, high consequence messes that could happen. (Presuming it's a her; threesome isn't specific.)

If you do go through with this, you'll probably want to use a lawyer's help to draft a pre-menage agreement in the style of a pre-nup, explicitly dealing with the consequences of either of you dumping the other for the third, saying whether or not there's any chance of a repeat, and anything else that might go wrong. I'd also suggest having the lawyer make the arrangements to do this using one of the legal Nevada brothels, and specify the girl should be masked. While not cheap, this would minimize chances of A-dumps-B-for-C scenarios of this really bad idea (plus the A-and-B-get-STD risk).

On another tentacle (because there's too many to be hands), saying "maybe" for 12 years when you have no willingness is also seriously Not Cool. If you aren't going to do this for him, you need to find some way to make it up to him in the bedroom. Find out if he has any other forms of indulgence not requiring a third he's ever hinted at wanting from you, and think HARD about indulging it. If you're going to turn him down on what you've hinted at for years, you should have a nice long list of consolation prizes ready to suggest. Oral sex, anal sex, spanking and D&S, costume and role-play, anything besides the three-some he's hinted at should be the start of what you consider. (You really, really deserve the spanking.)

It's high time to address the problem like grown-ups.
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Whimsical
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Re: POLL: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 19, 2008 - 07:55 AM (#46280)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#46121):

Uh, no. I guess I shouldn't have just assumed you knew this, but "The Girls Next Door" is a popular TV show about Hugh Hefner and his three girlfriends, all of whom know about (and play around with) one another, and all live in the same house; well, mansion.

It's about as far from "just having something on the side for [myself]" as could be. I meant being a couple with both girls in every sense of the word, and allowing them to be a couple with each other; I'd even be willing to get a house and live with them both if they wanted to.

This feels like a highly positive change to me, frankly. While I doubt we will ever get back to the doing it 3x a week we had as newlyweds, the idea revs my wife up so hard as to make a vast improvement in our sex life.

Both myself and my friend have made it very clear to my wife that nothing would ever happen that she wasn't 100% ok with. And that we would be fine with re-relegating the idea back into fantasy land.

She's the one that pushed it further every step of the way- first chat, then webcam, then phone, and now ..well..saying "we'll see what happens" when we go visit my friend.

There are other fantasies, believe me, though she keeps interjecting this other woman into them as well. Doesn't really bother me, at least so far.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: POLL: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 19, 2008 - 04:47 PM (#46291)
In Response to Whimsical (#46280):

The confusion was mine, sorry. I know the show, I just wasn't sure of your meaning.

Otherwise, it sounds just...well...perfect.

Best of luck to you and your wife and your friend.

And, I hope you'll keep us posted...


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Theran_Bakain
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Re: POLL: Room for One More? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, January 06, 2009 - 02:57 AM (#46460)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#46291):

Jes, Whimsical--thank you for the discussion on this.

It's something that I am running into with my wife as well.

Funny part is that my first marriage fell apart because I allowed the marriage to open up. She came to me and asked to do so, so did he. I figured that if I said no, they'd do it anyway behind my back (I knew his history, and she had always been adventurous) at least I would be able to set some groundrules--and the only one was "not in our marriage bed". We had the "training wheels" three-some but because I didn't go ballistic and get jealous, she couldn't handle the situation. It goes to "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it".

My wife now is bisexual--and I know that I don't have the anatomy to meet all her desires, so this has come up for us as well.

I have seen very healthy polyamorous relationships, but I have seen far more failures (breaks down to open communication from what I've seen).

Let us know how things progress.


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