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POLL RESULTS: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one...": (13 comments)

POLL: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..."

Friday, December 05, 2008 - 12:05 AM

A reader writes... Q: My college roommate recently asked me to go to a bar with her to meet up with a guy she had been talking to. We met him and some of his friends and had a really good time. The guy was cute and nice, and I was instantly attracted to him. When we got back to our apartment, she told me that she was not going to talk to him anymore. She said he’s 30, and her parents would freak out if they knew she was even talking to a guy nine years older than her. I have been tempted to try to contact him, as I do not have a problem with the age difference. If my roommate doesn’t want him and I do, then he is fair game, right?
POLL: If her roommate passes on the man, this woman has every right to try to date him
 
46% (590) Yes. And she has every right to expect her roommate will be POed
 
48% (623) Yes. But she should ask permission first.
 
1% (20) Yes. But she should keep it a secret until the roommate finds a new boyfriend.
 
1% (17) No. The friendship with the roommate is more important than this infatuation.
 
2% (28) No. He's too old anyway.
1278 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Seule
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Nov 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 05, 2008 - 08:51 AM (#46110)

I wouldn't exactly ask permission, but more mention that you are considering it and see how she reacts. If she seems cool to the idea, then you can decide whether it's worth the tension.


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CrownedSun
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Posts: 3

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Jan 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 05, 2008 - 09:31 AM (#46112)
In Response to Seule (#46110):

I agree with Seule; "asking permission" isn't really the issue, but I'd definitely let her know. Keeping it a secret is not a good idea and will only cause trouble. If the roommate has a problem with it, it really depends on which is more important to you.


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Lachesis
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Jul 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 05, 2008 - 09:45 AM (#46113)

i'm going to assume your roommate trusts you, since she asked you to be her, erm, 'wingman' when she was finally doing the face-to-face meet with the guy. in the interests of maintaining that trust and (also assumed) friendship, i'd recommend telling her up front that you found the guy interesting and would like to follow up on it and him.

sometimes people don't know their own minds, or suddenly have a change of heart when the fish they threw back suddenly seems like a major catch because someone ELSE thinks it's good. you'll save yourself a lot of in-house hostility if you make your intentions known now. at that point, it's up to her to say "wait a minute, i'm still claiming him", or else "go have fun". she can't accuse you of poaching on her, and you know where the groundlines are.

now granted, it's not an absolute guarantee that she still won't have an attack of dropper's remorse - but you'll have the moral high ground on having asked for a clear field first.


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Klytus
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Apr 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 05, 2008 - 10:35 AM (#46114)

Ya know, I don't like any of these answers. Bad enough it happens with couples that break up. Once a couple splits, they have each surrendered any and all say in what the other does with their life. Ergo, this bull about needing "permission" to date the ex is just that - bull. That is so co-dependent, it isn't funny. Only now we're applying this "logic" to a situation where a lady likes someone but has chosen not to even start dating them? The lady who gave the guy a pass has NO RIGHT to expect anyone to ask her permission to date the guy, and she has NO RIGHT to be upset if her friend does make a go for him. She made her bed, so she gets to lay in it. If she doesn't like it, tough, it was her choice, and no one else is responsible for her feelings about that.


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CrownedSun
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Posts: 3

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 05, 2008 - 10:52 AM (#46115)
In Response to Klytus (#46114):

I don't think its a matter of asking permission, but simple common courtesy Klytus. The poster didn't say that she was necessarily Friends with her roommate, but even if they're just a strict "you help me pay the rent," kind of deal... Well, its easy to cause trouble to yourself by trying to be sneaky.

Honestly, even "I'm going to give that guy you introduced me to a bit ago, Spencer, a ring and see if he wants to go do something," is sufficient to not be a bitch. You don't have to defer or anything, particularly if you're okay with a bit of tension.


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pecoros7
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May 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 05, 2008 - 12:13 PM (#46116)

The situation is a difficult one. You are not strictly obligated to ask permission to see this guy. She has made it clear that she won't make a move on this guy. Still, you making a move could still cause her to feel hurt. I recommend talking to her at length about your intentions. Don't approach the situation as asking for permission, but make it clear that her feelings on the subject are important to you. Make your decision based that conversation.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 05, 2008 - 05:03 PM (#46119)

My understanding is that you should ask for her permission, even though you would really be just informing her.

Either way, be prepared for your friend to be psyched out by it. Especially since you're both at an age where you still think your parents have a say in it.

I'll explain--

1- If you ask for permission, you put your friend in the position of alpha female over yourself. If she's not the kind who's inclined to share things (like food, for instance), she may be spiteful and say no.

Then, if you really want him, you may have to fight for him, and you just met him the once. But she's been talking to him on term, and introduced him to you (I assume to seek your approval of her relationship, otherwise WTF? right?).

2- If you just tell her you're making a move, you could be just a cold-hearted bitch and a false friend (depending upon why she introduced you to this guy she's been talking to [in an informal "date" type setting, on term]).

3- If you just date him, than there's no "could be" about it. You then ARE a cold-hearted bitch. And a ruthless one at that.

4- *This is even worse than the others* If you ask her and she says go for it, his stock could go up in her eyes. She could decide later that she wants him for herself. Especially if she finds out that Mom wouldn't mind at all (and I don't believe that Mom's disapproval is that big of a problem to begin with, either way). What do you think will happen then?

5- If your friend really was so self-aware and so cool to just let you have at a guy she may find interesting, would you really be asking for our advice?

6- Why is there no "3 way" option on this survey, Brad? What 30 year old man (picking up girls at a bar) doesn't want a 3 way with 2 co-eds?

But, judging by your question, you seem to be leaning toward option #3. And, since your asking that question here, you know what that makes you if you do it.

I'm assuming that you don't feel subordinate to your friend. But, you obviously feel some loyalty. That's a good thing. Build on that. You do still have to live at least near her for the rest of the term.

If you do decide to just cast any friendship aside and go for it, your own stock may go up on campus. Don't young men always seem to want to nail the "cold slutty bitch"?


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Murgatroyd
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Jan 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, December 06, 2008 - 03:11 AM (#46125)

Jes, I mostly agree with you, especially on option 1!

But I think you're wrong on option 3. The writer has been told that the roommate is not interested. Apparently the guy and the roommate never had a dating relationship that the writer could disrupt. Dating the guy would not make the writer a bitch -- although if the roommate is a petulant, spoiled child with a dog-in-the-manger attitude, she might have a different opinion. If that's the case, the writer needs to learn what her roommate is and how to deal with her.

IMHO, Jes' option 2 is the best move, if only to confirm that the writer interpreted the roommate's remark correctly. Then if the roommate changes her mind, she's the bitch.


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Jorn
Jorn

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Nov 2007
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, December 06, 2008 - 05:00 AM (#46126)

If "When we got back to our apartment, she told me that she was not going to talk to him anymore" is accurate, then you don't need to ask permission- but it would be polite to mention your intention to contact him, though you may want to actually call him once first. After all, if you and your roomie get into a fight over this or something, then you call him and he's not interested, you'd probably feel rather silly.


--
Sa souvraya niende missain ye; I am lost in my own mind.
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MrD3071
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Oct 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, December 06, 2008 - 07:40 AM (#46128)

Loves may come and go but friends are here to stay, you would do well to remeber such a thing. I'm in a simular situation, my best mate here at uni just so happens to like the same girl as i do (well cant blame him for good taste at least -_-)

But to be honest id rather keep my friendship with him then risk it all over a girl that who knows where it may end up.

Its almost ironic how you had eyes for the same person, girls are so competetive with each other these days!

End of the day i wouldnt risk friendship for a fling, but thats just me personally.


--
'Love is the light that dissolves the walls between people, countries and humanities'
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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, December 07, 2008 - 12:33 PM (#46133)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#46125):

If we were talking about real-world, full of obligations, and no time for BS, graduated adults; I would agree with you 100%.

Unless she noticed the poster's interest, and decided to bow out gracefully. If that is the case, mutual respect is required, and the roommate deserves to be told first.

But, I just cannot believe (my fail, I know) that the roommate is being completely honest about her feelings for this guy. I think back to my college days and the girls I knew (and most of the women I know now), and it all says one word...fickle. I've seen a lot of girls make a decision for the sole purpose of re-evaluating their feelings later. I don't think it's intentional. I believe that fewer girls are raised to make a choice and stick with it, like many boys are raised.

You see, I can't say *any* of the choices are a smart move without knowing why the roommate invited her to meet this guy, only to back off later.

I knew a guy (Joe) who set up a date for this other guy (buddy) he worked with. The girl was a 9 at least. And the buddy was married. Joe did it to get blackmail photos to smuggle free stuff from work. And it worked.


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AlternateAdvocate
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Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Monday, December 08, 2008 - 06:11 PM (#46152)

How about the REAL answer, Yes. And if she has a problem she should sit down and shut the F up. If you're not going to go for the guy you get no ability to reserve a choice. Sorry more it or lose it. Hell if this were a guy his buddy would be asking "Cool But just for my info, how was she?"


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inuchan01
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Posts: 10

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: "If you take a pass, I'm going to make one..." (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 09, 2008 - 12:28 AM (#46156)
In Response to CrownedSun (#46115):

A bit of tension? Try a lot of tension. Your roommate will probably be unhappy with the idea, and might be jealous or feel betrayed. This could make living accommodations rather uncomfortable, to say the least.

If she is a good roommate, and you value this, find another guy. If you don't mind "a bit of tension," and you can afford to look for another roommate if she's royally pissed, go for it. It's really your decision.


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