Re: Bonus Question: What should she do? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, December 10, 2008 - 01:21 AM (#46171
The author is a bit vague in telling us what's going on:
One pal, "Mike", seems to have his eye on "Valerie", even though "Valerie" is dating "Tony" and everyone is aware of this. This situation has been going on outside of the get-together, but "Valerie" has been feeling bad about it and told us, even though she doesn't want "Mike" to know that we know.
OK, Mike hs the hots for Valerie, even though she's dating Tony and she says she's not interested in Mke. She doesn't want Mike to get hurt.
Ordinarily I'd recommend that you should tell Valerie to have a private talk with Mike and tell him -- sympathetically and non-confrontationally -- that she's attached and she feels no chemistry for him. The alternative would be for her to continue to not respond to his advances and hope he'll get over it.
But the poll mentions "Valerie's indiscretion" ... Huh?! Has Valerie ever responded to Mike's advances? If so, how far has it gone? If Valerie is -- or was -- seeing Mike, then that changes the whole picture,
I'm concerned that this situation might hurt everyone around, even those not involved should it bubble to the surface.
So? What kind of "hurt" are you talking about?
"Valerie" seems meek about it, but has stressed that she prefers "Tony" over "Mike", and "Mike" has his own issues that he's been trying to straighten out.
These things happen. As long as Mike doesn't make an ass of himself in public, he'll eventually get over it if she doesn't respond. (I've been in Mike's shoes.)
On my take, "Mike" is too self-centered and blind to be in a relationship, especially if he's trying to show up "Tony" in front of "Valerie".
Ah. Here's where ambiguity really enters the picture. Is Mike already being a jerk in public, trying to play the "I'm better than he is -- choose me!" game?
If he is, and if he's visibly doing it at your weekly gathering, you would be within your rights as host to take Mike aside and tell him not to act like a jerk while he's under your roof. He may not like this and you might lose him as a friend ... but if he can't see that he's in the wrong he doesn't need you as a friend, he needs a shrink.
OTOH, you could avoid the issue. But if Mike is visibly trying to show up Tony in front of Valerie and others, then eventually there will be an unpleasant scene ... and it almost certainly will have worse repercussions than if you simply had a private talk with Mike.