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POLL RESULTS: Bonus Question: What should she do?: (6 comments)

POLL: Bonus Question: What should she do?

Tuesday, December 09, 2008 - 12:01 AM

A reader writes... Q. At a weekly get-together my husband and I host, we have an odd issue occurring with three of our friends. One pal, "Mike", seems to have his eye on "Valerie", even though "Valerie" is dating "Tony" and everyone is aware of this. This situation has been going on outside of the get-together, but "Valerie" has been feeling bad about it and told us, even though she doesn't want "Mike" to know that we know. I'm concerned that this situation might hurt everyone around, even those not involved should it bubble to the surface. "Valerie" seems meek about it, but has stressed that she prefers "Tony" over "Mike", and "Mike" has his own issues that he's been trying to straighten out. On my take, "Mike" is too self-centered and blind to be in a relationship, especially if he's trying to show up "Tony" in front of "Valerie". Is there any point where I should feel responsible to do something about this?
POLL: Is there any point at which she's responsible to do something?
 
75% (250) Yes... and that something is STAY OUT OF IT!
 
3% (13) Yes... if it looks as if Valerie is going to make the wrong choice
 
18% (62) Yes... but only if one of the parties request it.
 
2% (8) Yes... Tony should be tell about Valerie's indiscretion
333 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
inuchan01
Lover

Posts: 10

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Bonus Question: What should she do? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 09, 2008 - 12:23 AM (#46155)

What a mess! I don't see any way that your assistance would make this situation any better for the people involved, and your interference could put you in the line of fire.

Bottom line: Keep your opinions to yourself, and stay neutral. If you absolutely have to have these gatherings every weekend, split up the groups. Otherwise, let them cool off a bit (and settle their issues) before getting the gang back together. Run away--don't walk--if they try to involve you.


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Jorn
Jorn

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Posts: 20

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Nov 2007
Re: Bonus Question: What should she do? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 09, 2008 - 05:55 AM (#46160)

Make like the gingerbread man and run, run, as fast as you can.

Felt like being seasonal... Seriosuly though, as host you place is not to impose your opinion of who should be with whom on anyone; if Valerie won't talk to Mike, that's her choice, for her reasons. The only time it comes to you to intervene is if it becomes an active disruption of the group events, in which case, you should prompt those involved - Valerie, Mike, and possibly Tony, to sort it out.

Trust me, it's never good to step into someone elses drama maelstrom- it tends to set off one of your own.


--
Sa souvraya niende missain ye; I am lost in my own mind.
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NunyaBidness
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Posts: 83

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Apr 2008
Re: Bonus Question: What should she do? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 09, 2008 - 07:30 AM (#46161)

Rule 1: If it looks like drama, stay out of it.

Rule 2: When tempted to get involved because of any kind of good intentions or friendship, see Rule 1.

Really. You CANNOT make it better, and CAN become the whipping girl/boy, and not in the fun with chocolate sauce way, but in the unfun without even scorpions way.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Bonus Question: What should she do? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, December 10, 2008 - 01:21 AM (#46171)

The author is a bit vague in telling us what's going on:

One pal, "Mike", seems to have his eye on "Valerie", even though "Valerie" is dating "Tony" and everyone is aware of this. This situation has been going on outside of the get-together, but "Valerie" has been feeling bad about it and told us, even though she doesn't want "Mike" to know that we know.

OK, Mike hs the hots for Valerie, even though she's dating Tony and she says she's not interested in Mke. She doesn't want Mike to get hurt.

Ordinarily I'd recommend that you should tell Valerie to have a private talk with Mike and tell him -- sympathetically and non-confrontationally -- that she's attached and she feels no chemistry for him. The alternative would be for her to continue to not respond to his advances and hope he'll get over it.

But the poll mentions "Valerie's indiscretion" ... Huh?! Has Valerie ever responded to Mike's advances? If so, how far has it gone? If Valerie is -- or was -- seeing Mike, then that changes the whole picture,

I'm concerned that this situation might hurt everyone around, even those not involved should it bubble to the surface.

So? What kind of "hurt" are you talking about?

"Valerie" seems meek about it, but has stressed that she prefers "Tony" over "Mike", and "Mike" has his own issues that he's been trying to straighten out.

These things happen. As long as Mike doesn't make an ass of himself in public, he'll eventually get over it if she doesn't respond. (I've been in Mike's shoes.)

On my take, "Mike" is too self-centered and blind to be in a relationship, especially if he's trying to show up "Tony" in front of "Valerie".

Ah. Here's where ambiguity really enters the picture. Is Mike already being a jerk in public, trying to play the "I'm better than he is -- choose me!" game?

If he is, and if he's visibly doing it at your weekly gathering, you would be within your rights as host to take Mike aside and tell him not to act like a jerk while he's under your roof. He may not like this and you might lose him as a friend ... but if he can't see that he's in the wrong he doesn't need you as a friend, he needs a shrink.

OTOH, you could avoid the issue. But if Mike is visibly trying to show up Tony in front of Valerie and others, then eventually there will be an unpleasant scene ... and it almost certainly will have worse repercussions than if you simply had a private talk with Mike.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Bonus Question: What should she do? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, December 10, 2008 - 05:07 PM (#46180)

Doesn't this situation always happen in a large group of friends? This is exactly why I never dated amongst my core group. (Alternatively, my same core group spawned a happy family sub-unit. Ya never know.)

What your talking about isn't so much a situation as it is a forgone conclusion. It will happen, over and over. The only thing that can be done is to teach Mike to pick up girls outside of the core, or bring in fresh meat for the guys. That's the only way to preserve this group...for now.

The group may fracture in any case. People move or find new friends or just don't get along anymore. It happens. Watch "When Harry Met Sally" and re-think your ugly living room furniture.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

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Jun 2008
Re: Bonus Question: What should she do? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 12, 2008 - 12:18 AM (#46197)
Stay far, far away. The situation is not your responsibility, and putting your foot in will only enmesh you in the quagmire. I understand your desire to prevent hard feelings and harsh words, but none of this is your fault, or yours to prevent. Mike's pursuit of Valerie started the screwiness, but Valerie's dalliance with Mike is what took it up quite a few notches. You can't prevent either of those choices. Honestly, the best outcome would be for Mike and Valerie/Tony to start moving in different social circles...but since that seems unlikely before a huge to-do ensues, I'd say keep yourself and yours out of the fray.
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