POLL RESULTS: Widower woes: (5 comments)
POLL: Widower woes
in Reader Questions by Guigar
Friday, December 12, 2008 - 12:00 AM
A reader writes... Q: I am a widower and a parent of two wonderful children who lost my wife almost four years ago. I have been trying to get out socially and date, but it seems harder now than it ever was before. I was fortunate to find true love before and I believe that I can find it again, but many women hear of my situation and run the other way. Some are so insecure they can't handle the fact that I was married before. They feel like they are being compared to a ghost. Others want to be the only woman in my life. I think it is a little unreasonable for them to expect me to never mention my late wife in conversation.
POLL: This guy's problem seems to be...
1074 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
posted Friday, December 12, 2008 - 01:03 AM (#46198)
To be honest, you were with your deceased wife for a while (while she was alive) and so she's a part of your past. To expect you never to talk about her would be folly. On the other hand, an in-depth discussion of your dead wife is not great first-date material. Don't run screaming if someone asks about your past, but don't dwell on her in conversation, either. I haven't the foggiest what your age is so I'm not sure, but if you're a bit younger, having children (not adults?) could also be a bit daunting. I'm not entirely certain that you correctly ascertain the situation, but if you do...remember that the memory of your wife is your memory. Trotting it out whenever possible is rude.
posted Friday, December 12, 2008 - 09:56 AM (#46203)
This is a tough one. Especially since the only question seems to be the poll attached to it.
If someone is available to you, I would suggest counseling. If not, I would suggest you take a closer look at your recent dates to try to determine how these women are being turned off. The way you've stated your comment seems to indicate that you've made up your mind that you can't be at fault. But, you need to look at it from an outside point of view.
You are right about two things:
- Women don't want to be compared to ghosts (living or dead),
- And, they want to be the only woman in your life.
This may be what you're putting out. If you are ready to date again, work on a different vibe, such as,"My marriage was great (no regrets and all). But, I'm ready for something new." After all, if you're looking for another true love; it's going to be much different from the last in many ways (if not all of them).
But first, look inside yourself to be sure that you aren't just trying to re-create the past. Because no woman is going to want to feel like a replaceable part in the family. And your kids won't want to accept her as one.
posted Saturday, December 13, 2008 - 12:36 AM (#46209)
Really a two-pronged issue.
The husband sounds like they need to get some grief out, perhaps a friend or a psychiatrist.
Technically he's not ready to date yet, but then again the right woman who could play friend/psychiatrist/focus would also work. But that could end up being a very awkward relationship. (Oh how did we meet? Well, I was helping Ted work through some emotional stress and refocusing his life...)
In the end, the husband needs to decide if he wants to move on, seek counsiling, and perhaps give his dates some warning that he may "regress" so to speak.
posted Saturday, December 13, 2008 - 09:56 AM (#46213)
At some point you should mention that you have children from a previous marriage. Beyond that, I'd wait for her to ask.
If you're just bringing up the fact that you're a widower out of the blue, youmay want to see a therapist about your closure issues, because that sounds a bit like you're using your late wife as a shield against a new relationship (and possible grief).
posted Saturday, December 13, 2008 - 05:23 PM (#46215)
Bah! he just needs a good wingman. Never mentions his age--could be the children are youngsters, but they could easily be grown up and married as well. Age makes a big difference here. If you're 50-60, shouldn't be any trouble finding someone who's looking for company--I know my father-in-law didn't. He practically had to beat them off with a stick. If he's closer to 30-40, maybe check out the moms at his kids' school. Never know what you may find.
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