Re: It's Always the Sock Drawer, Isn't It? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 19, 2008 - 04:29 PM (#46288
In Response to mechgogo (#46281):
..."You say you're feeling lonely. Sit him down and TELL HIM SO."...
I have to disagree with this one point, but only in a minor sense. I can tell you, from experience, that sometimes a face-to-face on the subject can feel like an attack, regardless of how amicable it is.
Sometimes, openly confronting one's emotions just isn't the solution. He's protecting those feelings for a reason. So, rather than force his hand, try a more subtle and intelligent approach.
To the poster-
First, don't just infer that his porn is replacing you...
Fact: He's been hiding his porn.
Fact: You've been married for 21 years.
Question: Do you really think he just started looking at porn at this stage in his life?
My wife and I are coming up on our 10 year anniversary in 2+/- weeks. Porn and I have a 20+ year relationship. You could even call it my first romantic relationship if you want. But, my wife has come to understand that I'm still the same person she fell in love with.
Second, look at what your together time is like. There could be any number of turn-offs just lurking in your everyday habits.
- Is one/both of you dealing with health issues or additional stress? Have you both had physicals lately? A check-up may reveal low vitamin levels regardless of that multi-vitamin you take every morning.
- When you see each other, are you focused on being with one another, are are either of you just unloading about your day?
- You're both getting older. Do you both exercise regularly? A lack of exercise will greatly reduce sexual stamina.
Third, make sure you aren't taking each other for granted.
- When the subject or interest of sex comes up, one/both of you demonstrate affection positively and physically? Or, do either of you just complain about a lack of it?
How my wife and I approach each other is very important, especially after 10 years. If (hypothetically) you just met some guy you're really into, and want to have sex with him, you'd go through the whole seduction ritual, right? So, why not with someone that you've loved for 21 years?
I can't stress this enough. You can NOT brow-beat someone into arousal. So, where sex is concerned: less talk, more action.
Sometimes, the hectic parts of life slow down and leave us (in general) with more time to think and feel, than to which we've been accustomed. That's the perfect time to force ourselves to do the things for our spouses/girlfriends that we wish we'd done before, but we just keep putting off until later.
Remember, the longer you're together, the less time you have together. So DO something with it.