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POLL RESULTS: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy: (11 comments)

POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy

Friday, January 09, 2009 - 12:00 AM


A reader writes... Q: I'm currently in a relationship that's been going on for almost two years off and on. Now the reason for the on and off relationship is because he's always cheating on me or having issues with himself. I’m always taking him back and he continues to do the same thing. While we were apart, I met this real nice guy, but brushed him off because I was afraid I'd get hurt, but now I miss him. I want to be with this new guy but I'm in love with my present boyfriend. I don’t know what to do.
POLL: What should she do?
 
0% (4) Stay with her boyfriend. He'll come around.
 
51% (826) Dump the boyfriend and call the Nice Guy.
 
38% (618) Stop dating entirely for a while and focus inward.
 
4% (76) Date both. Have fun.
 
5% (82) Threesome!
1606 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
pecoros7
Lover

Posts: 16

Registered:
May 2008
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Friday, January 09, 2009 - 12:42 AM (#46525)

Every time you allow your boyfriend to come back after cheating on you (or anything else he's done to instigate a break-up), you are re-enforcing his negative behavior. You send him a very clear message that it is ok to cheat on you because there are no lasting consequences. He will not come around. He will not change as long as this relationship continues. Leave him.

 As for the new guy, I wouldn't make any sudden moves. Your willingness to continue to enter into a relationship that you know is unhealthy usually suggests that there is some emotional baggage that you need to deal with. I strongly suggest that you seek some time alone and possibly get some personal counseling. Everyone could use a little counseling before entering into relationships. Make sure you're emotionally healthy before moving on.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Friday, January 09, 2009 - 02:01 AM (#46527)

I don't know what to do.

Not true. You know exactly what to do, you just don't want to do it.

I'm always taking him back and he continues to do the same thing. While we were apart, I met this real nice guy, but brushed him off because I was afraid I'd get hurt, but now I miss him. I want to be with this new guy but I'm in love with my present boyfriend.

You didn't brush off the new guy because you were afraid to get hurt. You've been getting hurt by your old boyfriend, but you continue to take him back because you get off on it. Maybe you enjoy being an enabler and/or doormat, or maybe you like the feeling of self-sacrifice, or maybe you're punishing yourself for some real or imaginary flaw, or maybe you're just a drama queen. But you aren't in love with him, and if you think you are then you don't know what the word means.

What you need to do -- and you know it! -- is to break off with El Jerko. Whether you see the new guy, or whether you just think for a while about why you do what you do is up to you, but either course of action would be more healthy than what you've been doing.


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CasualNotice
Lover

Posts: 49

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Friday, January 09, 2009 - 08:56 AM (#46529)

Who was it that defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Only you don't even expect a different result any more, do you?

Seriously. Dump the idiot. Passion isn't love; it's suffering. Talk to a good therapist about what issues you may have that have caused you to continue re-entering this ongoing car wreck (or just spend some time alone on vacation for clarity), and start looking for something that makes you feel good, instead of breathless.


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thejerk
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jan 2009
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Friday, January 09, 2009 - 09:42 AM (#46530)
In Response to pecoros7 (#46525):

Stick with what you know. Its far safer. Your love for your boyfriend will eventually change him. Its hard work, but the reward is worth it if you can stick with it for long enough. The new Mr. Nice Guy will probably make someone else a great husband some day.

Not. Seriously, you are reaping the rewards of the standards you have set for yourself. Enjoy.


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Seule
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Nov 2008
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Friday, January 09, 2009 - 12:08 PM (#46535)

As others have suggested, the new guy is irrelevant, the old guy is the problem.
Dump him. Now. Make it stick. At this point, even if he has the potential to be faithful, he'll never do it with you because of all the reinforcement you've been giving him.
Whether you start dating someone else is up to you, but I'd wait at least a little while first.


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somebody
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Jan 2009
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Friday, January 09, 2009 - 12:25 PM (#46536)

Have you considered that you may just not be ready to be in any relationship yet? The guy who cheats on you is hurting you & keeping you with him by making you feel unequal.

Love isn't the feeling you have for someone else--it's a mutual situation. It's trust & respect.

Someone who cheats on you doesn't respect you--they're using you. Get out, be single, don't use the new guy--take sometime alone, & above all, resolve to not go back to the lying cheater.

Good luck!


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DarQuing
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
Jan 2009
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Friday, January 09, 2009 - 07:02 PM (#46539)

You brushed off the nice guy because you were afraid to get hurt? And yet you keep taking back jerkface no matter how many times he cheats on you. Either you and I have different ideas as to what 'being hurt' means, or that wasn't the real reason. Either way, you need to take time away from being in a relationship and just focus on yourself.


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abb3w
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
WTF? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, January 11, 2009 - 10:34 PM (#46559)

You should consider it a warning sign that "Threesome" is only running 4% around the usual bunch of pervs.

Dump the old guy. Now.

If you want to be ultra-vicious and slightly kinky about dumping him, find out who Previous Guy cheated with last and talk her into having a threesome with Nice Guy, as punishment for his having cheated so often.


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meiji
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jan 2009
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Monday, January 12, 2009 - 10:24 AM (#46562)

It's often women like this that spoil the "nice guys". What often happens is she'll "have missed out" on the nice guy go to him for a bit, then when the bad boy comes back she'll go running to him. If you leave the bad boy don't do the same thing yourself.


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AlternateAdvocate
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Monday, January 12, 2009 - 06:59 PM (#46567)
In Response to pecoros7 (#46525):

If you really must date go back with the cheater, you two deserve one another (you're both co-dependent and can at least agree on the same messed up dynamic).

Whatever you do don't go with the nice guy why does he need his life screwed up as you yo-yo him back and forth so you can keep running back to cheater boy cause you "love him".

If you can get over the impulse to confuse this sort of emotional abuse and love them MAYBE sometime in the future consider getting with someone who isn't pre-screwed up.


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Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: POLL: Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 11:14 PM (#46597)
Has what was wrong when your boyfriend cheated on you changed? If not (and it doesn't sound like it has) break up with him. Don't be too swift to get with the new dude, though, because staying with your wonky current boyfriend is a sign that all is not right with you, either. Hopping from one beau to the next as if you were a flea hopping betwixt rats is not a good thing. I suggest taking some time to clear your mind and discover why you stayed with someone you don't seem to like very much (even if you're "in love with" him).
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