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POLL RESULTS: He Loves Me...Not?: (8 comments)

POLL: He Loves Me...Not?

Friday, February 06, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes...
I have been in a relationship with this guy for more than 4 years. He's 10 years older than me, was married for more than 20 years and divorced before we met. He's from another state and we meet during weekends and our relationship has been good.

We go for holidays together, but he also goes on cruises with his relatives without me (I'm not so keen on cruising and I can't join in).

I'm single and recently brought up the subject of marriage but he replied that he's not interested in "being anyone's husband again".

So, should I give him more time to think about our relationship or should I just walk out of this relationship?

Does he loves me or not ?
POLL: He Loves Her... He Lover Her Not...
 
13% (93) He Loves Her
 
50% (358) He Loves Her Not
 
36% (262) He Loves Her Not Now
713 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: He Loves Me...Not? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 06, 2009 - 01:00 AM (#46794)

So, should I give him more time to think about our relationship or should I just walk out of this relationship?

Are you satisfied with the current arrangement or not? You don't want to go on cruises; he does. He doesn't want to get married; how much do you want to? He lives in another state -- if you two were to embark on a serious relationship rather than just a bed-buddy arrangement, would you be willing to move, or would you expect him to?

You have to decide what you want out of this relationship. And when you figure that out, tell him, don't ask him and then hope he'll change if he doesn't give you the answer you want.

If you agree on where to take the relationship ... great! And if you can't come to a mutually acceptable agreement on where the relationship should go, then why would you want to stay in an unacceptable relationship?


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Amanda
Lover

Posts: 30

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: He Loves Me...Not? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 06, 2009 - 02:41 AM (#46795)

You live in separate states, have some separate vacations, and have very separate views about marriage. You two might as well just make it complete and separate all together.


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Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Why buy the cow.... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 06, 2009 - 07:01 AM (#46796)

He's not really that committed, and you don't require him to be. It sounds like you have some serious goals for your relationship, and he does not. Four years is long enough for him to start considering marriage, if he's going to. He's not going to. Marriage seems like it's important to you, though, so...it doesn't seem that you can get what you want in this relationship. Move on.

That he takes cruises with his relatives is irrelevant, I think; it's good for people in a relationship to have lives outside of each other, as well. Unless, of course, you've never met these people?


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CasualNotice
Lover

Posts: 49

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: He Loves Me...Not? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 06, 2009 - 02:00 PM (#46798)

If marriage is what you want then you're going to have to have a serious talk with him and decide after that whether this relationship is worth your time.

Understand, however, that love and marriage are not the same, nor do they, perforce, lead naturally one into the other. Love is about wanting to be with someone. Marriage is about being with someone even during those moments when you don't want to be.


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jasonred
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: He Loves Me...Not? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 06, 2009 - 02:43 PM (#46799)

Er... look. He's been frank and honest with you: he has no interest in marrying again.

He was married for more than 20 years. Many people feel that is more than enough.

He's not going to marry you.

Are you ok with that?

Some people are ok with being in a relationship and never getting married, actually.

Anyhow, he's had a "weekend only" relationship with you for 4 years. What makes you think he wants more than that?

You actually have 2 options: 1.Change yourself, become someone who doesn't mind not getting married. 2.Change him, make him want to marry you. 3.Walk away.

...

Have you considered that he is NOT going on cruises with RELATIVES? ... Personally, I feel rather suspicious if my partner frequently goes on long trips and tells me I'm not allowed to come along...

Anyhow, you can use that as a watermark to see how receptive he is to marrying you. If he decides to bring you on his next cruise to get to know his relatives, that would be a rather good sign.

Anyhow, I think the poll question is wrong. It's entirely possible to love someone, but not want to marry them.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: He Loves Me...Not? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 07, 2009 - 02:38 AM (#46800)

Does he love me or not?

Hmm ... You indicate that you want to marry him.

But one thing you don't say is whether you love him.

The fact that you are willing to "just walk out of this relationship" indicates to me that you don't love him, that your relationship is based on sexual and financial convenience.

So why in the world should he be willing to marry you?


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Sleddog
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: He Loves Me...Not? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, February 08, 2009 - 12:51 PM (#46811)

It sounds as if he views this relationship a lot more casually than you do. For him it's a lot less about love and an ongoing relationship than it is about having someone to get together with on weekends. Call it friends with benefits or maybe something more. Whatever it is it isn't "can't live without you" love. And that's fine if that's what both of you want. The things is that if you want someone in your life for more than weekends and vacations, or if you want kids (especially if you want kids) then you aren't going to get that from him. He's gone about as far as he's going to go... at least with you, and maybe with anyone.


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peterb
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: He Loves Me...Not? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 13, 2009 - 02:56 PM (#46873)

I vote for "He's still married and is lying to you."


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