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POLL RESULTS: Not tonight dear...: (15 comments)

POLL: Not tonight dear...

Friday, February 13, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I've been married for 24 years. My wife is the love of my life and my best friend. We have had our tough times, as any married couple does, but we have always come through with flying colors. We have three children ages 23, 16 and almost 2. Iā€™m at my wits' end though, at the lack of sex in our life. My wife is always too tired. Her back hurts. She has a migraine... Me, I could go two, three times a day every day. I've learned that it isn't possible for my wife, though we used to go at it like rabbits. I love her forever ā€” that will never change ā€” but I need more from her. Please help me.
POLL: My advice to this guy is to...
 
11% (103) Adjust his libido to fit his wife's
 
2% (25) Find a divorce lawyer
 
9% (81) AshleyMadison.com
 
31% (279) porn and lots of it
 
45% (410) Get in better shape and entice his partner
898 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
DarQuing
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
Jan 2009
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 13, 2009 - 12:22 AM (#46863)

Before actually going with the porn thing, talk to your wife about how you feel. Also remember that this can be a bit of a touchy subject with some people. Another option would be to see a marriage counselor.

The biggest thing I can say is not to resort to seeing other women unless you have the okay from your wife. Otherwise you'll have bigger problems on your hand than an unsatisfied libido.


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Mrsbdog
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 13, 2009 - 02:21 AM (#46864)

She has to deal with a teenager and a baby. That is stressful and exhausting. Help her out around the house and let her relax a bit that will help tremendously.


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AlexJones
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 13, 2009 - 03:01 AM (#46865)

Could it be that your wife is afraid of having another baby? do you use protection? You should discuss this with her.


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Odentin
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 13, 2009 - 03:52 AM (#46866)

My fiance and I actually find the whole "I have a headache" excuse hilarious. An orgasm releases chemicals in the brain that deal with headaches and migraines in an instant. Screw Advil or Tylenol, a good orgasm clears up a headache faster than anything.

Further, sex is a great stress reliever, as well.

I'm not saying to use these flat out when trying to proposition your wife, but it is true. The best advice I can give is to try to entice your wife, turn her on in any way you can. Make her hot and bothered and she will come to you.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 13, 2009 - 04:19 AM (#46867)

I suspect that the two-year-old may have something to do with it. Did you both plan to have this child, or did the pregnancy "just happen"? If not for this third child, the two of you would be only a few years away from having your kids out of the house, and you'd be free to do all sorts of things that your kids currently prevent you from doing. But with this third kid, you'll be in your late fifties (at least!) before the third kid leaves home. Your wife might have psychological issues about the child, she might resent you for making her pregnant, or she might be avoiding the possibility of a fourth pregnancy.

I notice that all of her excuses that you list are physical complaints. Has she seen a doctor? You've been married for 24 years -- how far away from menopause is she?


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Cat1864
Lover

Posts: 12

Registered:
Dec 2008
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 13, 2009 - 08:34 AM (#46870)

"but I need more from her."

What about what she needs from you? Do you help her with the house, the children, etc.? Do you try to relieve some of the stress she is under or are you adding to it?

Whether or not orgasm helps with headaches (It doesn't every time and it can add to the problem. For one thing when you are dealing with the nausea induced by a migraine, arousal can make it worse. Yes, personal experience.), the backache caused by lifting and carrying a 2 year old and the tiredness (fatigue) of the constant drain of energy from taking care of one plus the emotional mine-field of a 16 year old are probably enough to put libido on the back burner.

Try looking at what all she does and see where you can help relieve some of the strain. Give her some personal time to remember that she isn't just a robot programed to take care of everyone's needs but her own. Massage (need I say more).

Bottom line-(once again experience speaking) it is difficult when time is limited to switch from mommy/maid role to sexy wife without feeling like a blow-up doll. Help her feel like she is more than a way for you to get off and hopefully your sex life will improve.


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AlternateAdvocate
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 14, 2009 - 02:13 AM (#46874)

Excuses or whatever it's a power thing. What can you do about it? Really, not a damned thing, sure you can help around the house more? Do more around the house etc. Sure, but don't figure it will change your sex life on a permanent basis. If you're not pulling your weight do more and expect to keep doing it because you should be in the first place. But any change that makes in your sex life will be highly temporary so better not figure on trading favors for "favors".


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Guairdean
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Mar 2008
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 14, 2009 - 09:45 AM (#46875)

She has a 16 year old and a 2 year old to deal with. She's exhausted. How much time do you spend dealing with them? My guess is a couple of hours a night after work, and before she (not you) gets them ready for bed. Find a nice hotel with a restaurant, rent a room, and drop her off with bubble bath, a good book, a bottle of wine, and chocolates. Then go home and take care of the family for the weekend. Do this occasionally and you'll get your wife back. You'll also learn a lot about your kids and yourself.


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Dilettante
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 14, 2009 - 01:04 PM (#46876)

None of the options is doing it for me.

You say that your wife is always tired - to me, that's the key. Stress and fatigue are the two biggest reasons for sexual dysfunction. If she's tired, is it any wonder she's not interested? And if you're raring to go three times a day - maybe you have a little too much energy. It's time to balance the scales!

I don't know what your wife does for a living or whether she's experiencing any unusual stresses right now (like a new boss, a deadline, or the death of a loved one) but it sounds like she could use some help. Even if you can't actually wave a magic wand and make her stress go away, you can make life easier for her: pick a chore that she usually does around the house and do it for her. Wash the dishes, cook dinner, vaccuum the living room, look after the two-year-old for the evening, or simply hire a babysitter and take her out to dinner where she won't have to lift a finger! Not only will this give her more energy for some evening activities, it will also help get her in the mood - being thoughtful is romantic. And romance is what you two most definitely need.


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cycliclife
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 14, 2009 - 03:58 PM (#46878)
In Response to Cat1864 (#46870):

Massage would be a great idea. Pick up a book on ten minute massage to start with. Start small and work on her stress, maybe a night with everyone else out of the house so she can relax. Take all the kids out to something like chucky cheeses or something. I dated a girl who had to have alone time with nothing at all to bother her, eg everyone even the cats got put out of the house for a night. Most people do not need that kind of space, but try giving her some peace at home for a few hours one day a week and go from there.


--
"Come on. Somewhere at the edge of the Bell curve is the girl for me"
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Sleddog
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, February 15, 2009 - 01:15 PM (#46881)

I agree that the big problem is dealing with a two year-old and a 16 year-old at the same time. You don't mention how long its been since you "used to go at it like rabbits" but I suspect that you must have had some down time that you don't remember after the 16 year-old was born. Your wife is older now - my math suggests that you both must be in your 40s - and it can't be as easy chasing after a two year-old as it was fourteen years ago let alone 21 years ago when your first was born. I'm convinced that a few days away from the kids (maybe including the one who still wants to go at it like a rabbit) in a restful place like a spa with no demands - including demands for sex - will do her and your sex life (eventually) the world of good. Meanwhile, if you're desperately in need of "release" do what Ernest Borgnine does - masturbate... a lot.


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Caffeine
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, February 16, 2009 - 06:46 AM (#46885)

I'm not going to tell you what to do or change in your every day life - I really don't know enough about it. Maybe helping her out will do it, maybe you do already help her and it doesn't help the tiniest bit.

One thing though that you might consider: Do you remember the times when you did "go at it like rabbits"? What was it like? What was the mood? How did you feel? After some years (for some people it takes longer than for others) this hormonal rush simply isn't the same, and if you are not careful, love and lust can grow old. You don't have to repeat what you did back then (people change, after all), but you could try to find ways to create the same feeling and atmosphere. Or you could make it more about her (and the two of you) and not about the sex - oh, see, here I am giving you the advice I promised to spare you. Sorry. *g* But nevertheless I'd give it a shot. Find more grown-up time, cuddle more, go out more - just do more things that make you a couple and not the parents in a family.


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woofdog
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, February 16, 2009 - 01:18 PM (#46887)
In Response to DarQuing (#46863):

A few comments on talking to her.
1: THat's a little simplistic, isn't it? YES, he should, and should have, talked to her. But if they have HALF the relationship he describes, they must be talking A LOT already.

2: There are many resources of many types specifically aimed at this particular problem. F'rexample, ways of STEERING the discussion might be found in books like this [amazon.com], and a hundred others. Similarly, considering how long they've been together, it's not unlikely that she's coping with menopausal issues, if she hasn't already, and hormonal treatments might be worth examining.

3: It might sound extreme, or even pathological, but polyamory [xeromag.com] might be a route to consider. Loving, caring, stable people are a limited resource - and one that should be as fully utilized as possible.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, February 18, 2009 - 09:12 AM (#46900)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#46867):

Murtgatroyd's right about her seeing a doctor. Women can have a wide variety of problems that usually go unnoticed until it just about kills them.

And the woman doesn't have to be that old, either. My step-daughter is in her late twenties and looking at major surgery for what is (now) apparently hereditary. And my wife had her hysterectomy at 35.

And, each baby a woman carries has it's own distinct impact on the woman's endocrine system. With a HUGE range of results on her body.

She needs your support now more than ever. Best wishes to you both.


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lwj2
Lover

Posts: 33

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: POLL: Not tonight dear... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 28, 2009 - 09:19 AM (#46982)

Getting a vasectomy might improve your sex life.

If you don't already, splitting household chores will give your mate more time to herself and to relax. Tell the teenager that he/she is now the laundry king/queen, if the kid isn't doing chores already.

Third, draft your sixteen year old -- tell him/her that they've been chosen as babysitter of the week and take your wife out on a date. Don't forget to pay the sixteen year old the going rates or above them.


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