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POLL RESULTS: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop?: (12 comments)

POLL: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop?

Friday, March 06, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: Derrick's wife treats him horribly. He can't stand it. Derrick and I have already confessed love to each other and had an affair. To top it off, my husband, Frank had been ignoring me for a year (we've been married for three). Derrick has only been married a year. Derrick wants out of his marriage to be with me and I want out of mine to be with him. But, both of our spouses found out about our affair, and they have forgiven us. Now what should Derrick and I do since we still love each other?

Names have been changes to protect the innocent.

POLL: What should the couple in the affair do?
 
13% (144) Go back to their respective spouses
 
54% (595) Leave the spouses and build their relationship
 
32% (355) Leave the spouses, but *not* for each other
1094 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 06, 2009 - 01:32 AM (#47045)

OK, your spouses have forgiven you. So what? Has anything changed? You say you still love Derrick. Does Derrick's wife still treat him horribly (whatever that means)? Does your husband still ignore you?

Your spouses "forgive" you. Do they want you to stop having the affair? If so, are they willing to change? If they know you don't love Frank and Derrick doesn't love his wife, then why the heck do they want to stay married to you? It could be enlightening if you asked them these questions, point-blank.

Frankly, the fact that you are even asking what to do indicates to me that all of you have some growing up to do.

According to your letter, Derrick had only been married for six months when you and he started your affair. Why did he marry that woman in the first place? What did he originally see in her, and how could he fall out of love so quickly?

One more thing ... When considering an affair with a married man, you should keep in mind that if he could do it for you, then he could do it to you just as easily.


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Caffeine
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Posts: 46

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Feb 2009
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 06, 2009 - 06:46 AM (#47053)

What would you have done if only one of you had wanted to continue the "thing" you feel you have for each other? Stayed with your spouse?

May seem a difficult and unfair situation, but it all comes down to something simple - each one of you should sort through his/her own life and settle everything (their emotions, their thoughts, every-day life, financial aspects), and if everything is clear again and you see each other again, try out if you want to be together. (DON'T marry immediately. Trust me.)

By the way, I would NEVER EVER trust someone who had an affair and a marraige at the same time. It does not cast a good light on the person that he/she does not take the vows (doesn't matter whether new or old) seriously...


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Cat1864
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Posts: 12

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Dec 2008
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 06, 2009 - 07:51 AM (#47054)

Why do I get the feeling that you both lied to your respective spouses to be "forgiven"? I would almost bet that neither of you admitted that you still "love" your "playmate". Be honest with your husband about still loving "Derrick" and you may not have to worry about what you want.

It doesn't matter what "Derrick" does. You don't know all of "Derrick's" history. This may be a pattern with him.

It all boils down to: If you are unhappy in your marriage and there are no children involved, leave your husband and work on yourself so that you don't make the same mistake twice.


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Dea_chan
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Feb 2009
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 06, 2009 - 10:19 AM (#47056)

Back up this runaway thought train. You've only been married for three years but "Frank had been ignoring me for a year"; where were you in all of that? What was going on in his life that made life difficult? What was going on in your life that you didn't try to figure this out, work it out, etc. And to repeat what others had said - "Derrick" had only been married for 6 months before having an affair with you! This is bad news all over the place. Your "love" for each other is probably nothing more than a mutual escape. I think that you should try to fix what you already have before playing with your neighbor. If, your marriage does not wind up working, then get a divorce and figure out what YOU need -- but I'd stay away from Derrick. He's just bad news.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 06, 2009 - 03:33 PM (#47059)

I'm thinking that you (both) had less than sincere reasons for getting married in the first place.

I suspect that the reason you didn't end both marriages already is either that there are children involved (which you didn't mention, so it's...), or you two can't afford to live without your spouses and don't trust each other enough to move in together.

If that's true, you are a very, VERY selfish person.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, March 07, 2009 - 03:00 PM (#47064)

TheOriginalJes wrote:

I suspect that the reason you didn't end both marriages already is [...] you two can't afford to live without your spouses and don't trust each other enough to move in together.

Hmm. Isn't there a word for women who have sex for money? Hold on, I'll think of it in a minute ...


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Veldan
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Posts: 12

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Mar 2009
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, March 08, 2009 - 07:55 PM (#47068)

Having been in a similar situation, and having actually left my spouse for the other person. I say it would be best to split from your spouse AND the other person, try dating casually after that if you want to continue with the other person.

Quite often the reason you've run to the other person is because you were looking for any escape possible from your spouse, not becase you have genuine feelings for eachother, no matter how much you think you do.

Just something to think about...


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CasualNotice
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Posts: 49

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Jun 2008
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, March 08, 2009 - 11:37 PM (#47069)

Do your spouses a favor and let them find someone who has some idea what loyalty and fidelity mean.

Then do everyone else a favor and don't enter into any relationship with anyone until you learn those terms for yourself.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, March 09, 2009 - 09:06 AM (#47076)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#47064):

Murgatroyd wrote:

"Hmm. Isn't there a word for women who have sex for money? Hold on, I'll think of it in a minute ..."

HA!


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peterb
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Feb 2009
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, March 09, 2009 - 04:58 PM (#47081)

Gosh, Derrick's wife was "treating him horribly?" How dare she be so mean to the guy who was fucking other men's wives within a year of his getting married.

The nerve of some people!


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AlternateAdvocate
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Jun 2008
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, March 11, 2009 - 12:51 AM (#47104)

In your new relationship with Derrick you might as well set the ground rule right now on how soon you two will start cheating with someone new. Sounds like you favor two years and he only one... Better get that hashed out ahead of time.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

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Jun 2008
Re: If They Forgive Us, Do We Have To Stop? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, March 12, 2009 - 10:45 PM (#47143)

If your love wanes, or you're potentially deciding not to get divorced because it's no longer a complete secret, then I seriously wouldn't decide what to do "right now". Each of you should get into marriage counseling with your own spouse, and try to work it out.


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