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POLL RESULTS: Will He Come Back?: (14 comments)

POLL: Will He Come Back?

Friday, March 27, 2009 - 12:00 AM

Since the newspaper column that this comic accompanies spends all of its space discussing answers to previous questions, we'll turn to another question e-mailed by a reader of the Courting Disaster Web site...

A reader writes... My boyfriend broke up with me last year for no apparent reason after 2 years of dating in a long-distance relationship. I have been miserable ever since. I love him and honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel like my other half has been ripped away.

I spoke to him after a few months of silence a couple of weeks ago. He said that he has missed me, and that he ended things because "it was starting to feel like a job."

I asked him if he'd want to give us another chance and he said "I wouldn't be opposed to the idea, but I dont want to date right now, but maybe in time."

I want to keep in touch with him so that hopefully, when I go back up in May, his feelings might change. I dont want to smother him, though. I want him to love me again but I'm not sure if my hope is a false hope, or even how to go about things. What should I do?

POLL: What should this person do?
 
69% (823) Give up on this guy and move on
 
29% (343) Be patient. It could go either way.
 
1% (13) Wait it out. He'll come back
1179 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
DarQuing
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
Jan 2009
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 27, 2009 - 12:29 AM (#47273)

You could be patient and wait it out, but I don't know if that'd be your best option. It sounds to me like he knows you're desperate to get back with him and he's just stringing you along.

What you do is up to you, of course, but I seriously think you're better off without him.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 27, 2009 - 12:57 AM (#47274)

My boyfriend broke up with me last year for no apparent reason after 2 years of dating in a long-distance relationship. I have been miserable ever since. I love him and honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel like my other half has been ripped away.

I spoke to him after a few months of silence a couple of weeks ago. He said that he has missed me, and that he ended things because "it was starting to feel like a job."

So you want to get back together ... Why should things be any different the next time around?

Are you willing to change the things that made the relationship fail (in his eyes)? Are you willing to move to his city, so the relationship won't be "a job"?

Face it -- if you do want to marry him, one of you eventually will have to move.

But don't just move to his city and say "Surprise!" Talk it over with him first to make sure he's willing to give it another try, don't present him with a fait accompli. Otherwise he will think you're desperate and needy, or worse, a stalker.


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inuchan01
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Posts: 10

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 27, 2009 - 03:18 AM (#47275)

It sounds like he "isn't opposed to the idea" because he's using you as a fall-back if he can't find someone else. Frankly, if he thinks your relationship felt like "a job" at one point, I wouldn't expect his view to change anytime soon. I suspect he feels guilty about breaking things off and wants to force you to break up with him or just let things fade away. Or maybe he's just too busy for a relationship, or has lost interest.

Good luck with him, but I wouldn't expect much. I'm sorry. :(


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Khrys
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Posts: 8

Registered:
Mar 2009
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 27, 2009 - 04:29 AM (#47276)

It sounds like you're in almost the same situation I am, even down to the month you're going to go see him. I got a jolt when I started reading your question, in all honesty.

From an outsider's perspective, I'd say the best thing you can do is try to move on with your life, and start dating in your area, and maybe you can find someone who tugs at your heart the same way your ex does.

From someone in the same situation, though... I've got to say, don't give up hope just yet. It could be that he's just toying with you, but it could be that HE doesn't want to be hurt or hurt you any more than he can help it.

In the end, though, only you and he know the details of your relationship. Examine your heart closely, and see exactly what's going on in there. Are you holding on to his memory because you really love him, or because you think you can't do better?


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smparadox
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Posts: 11

Registered:
Mar 2009
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 27, 2009 - 12:03 PM (#47280)

I think he is conflicted, but will work things through after a while. I say be patient, and avoid pressuring him with a sense of obligation. keep the relationship "no-strings" for now, to give him the chance to see how much he enjoys you.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, March 30, 2009 - 05:06 PM (#47295)

I think there are some questions that need answering here.

How old are you that you have had a long-distance relationship for 2 years?

What kept you two apart?

What was your original plan? Did you have an actual plan? Or was it just an intention?

If you're in high school and your guy is in college. Then, there's a good chance he may not come home, ever.

If you met online, then there are just so many possibilities...

In my opinion, you may best serve yourself by opening your heart to somebody who is local to you, and meets your other needs.


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AlternateAdvocate
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Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, March 30, 2009 - 06:28 PM (#47298)

I think he's probably getting some in whatever city he's in but he's not sure it will last. If that relationship falls through he'll consider having another relationship with you, unless something better comes along...

Give it up and move on.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, March 31, 2009 - 03:25 AM (#47302)

It sure would be nice if the person who asked the question would stick around to provide more information. Jes has asked some excellent questions, and indirectly makes a good point:

The advice we would give a 27-year-old with a problem is very likely not the advice we'd give a 17-year-old who wrote exactly the same letter.

Please, people! Give us more to work on!


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cycliclife
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Posts: 6

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Feb 2009
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, March 31, 2009 - 02:16 PM (#47306)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#47302):

That is very true and the reason they were in a long distance relationship would be very helpful. I have friends who are making an international relationship work because they have to be apart right now. They are not exactly happy with being 23hrs of travel time apart, but he is here in graduate school and she got a good job overseas.( they are 27 and 29 btw) The advice in their situation would be different than the advice given to someone who is in a long distance relationship because neither of them wanted to move. The long distance thing makes a relationship more work, but every relationship involves some work for both of you.


--
"Come on. Somewhere at the edge of the Bell curve is the girl for me"
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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, March 31, 2009 - 04:43 PM (#47307)
In Response to cycliclife (#47306):

Exactly.

I'm glad you and Murgatroyd get it. (Murgatroyd, thanks for helping clarify my point, btw.)

We don't even know if these two were separated due to circumstance (as with your friends), or it they started off in a chat-room 3,000 miles apart.

That kind of information would really tell us the level of commitment both parties have had to each other.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, March 31, 2009 - 04:44 PM (#47308)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#47307):

(Why do I keep going back to meeting online with this? What's wrong with me, today?)


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cycliclife
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Posts: 6

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, April 01, 2009 - 11:48 AM (#47318)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#47308):

It happens a lot these days? I got a lot of advice from both of my friends earlier this year when it looked like I was going to be in the same boat. Me (23) in grad school 8hrs away and her (22) here for another year or so. I decided I didn't want to do that so I stayed here for grad school even though it was not the best opportunity that I had.


--
"Come on. Somewhere at the edge of the Bell curve is the girl for me"
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StormFire
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Posts: 3

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, April 04, 2009 - 01:55 PM (#47352)

The most important parts of this letter are:

"broke up with me last year for no apparent reason after 2 years" and "it was starting to feel like a job."

Anyone who can do and say these things does not respect the person they are leaving. They are not leaving to protect their partner (or themselves) from the pain of separation.

They are leaving simply because it is more convenient at the moment, and a relationship whose existence is based on convenience will never be stable... Especially not if one person is emotionally invested and the other is not.

It is time to move on and either spend some rime alone regaining your respect for yourself, or find someone who returns your level of passion (not just physically) instead of taking advantage of it.


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Willis888
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Will He Come Back? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 11:27 AM (#47388)

There seem to be several conflicting statements in this story.

"My boyfriend broke up with me last year for no apparent reason"

OK, I'm with you so far.

"after 2 years of dating in a long-distance relationship"

But wait, you just said there was no apparent reason? No physical contact for 2 years is reason enough all on its own.

"I have been miserable ever since."

So after two years without him, all that it takes to make you miserable for months on end is more of the same? This statement sounds suspiciously like a claim that your happiness is dependent on your "other half" working to meet your needs.

"he ended things because "it was starting to feel like a job." "

Yeah, I saw that one coming. How often did you want him to call you? How would you respond if you were disappointed in this regard? I'm guessing that "often" is an understatement and that you would be upset at his non-compliance and would let him know that you were upset. This story is beginning to stink of emotional blackmail. "Serve my ego or else I'll cry and yell at you!"

"I dont want to date right now"

After two years of that nonsense, who can blame him?

"What should I do?"

Stay out of the dating pool for a while. Work on regaining your personal equilibrium - if you are not happy or whole inside your own skin, all your relationships will be doomed.


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