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POLL RESULTS: Junior-High-School Sweetheart: (5 comments)

POLL: Junior-High-School Sweetheart

Friday, April 03, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I'm in my early 30s and seeing a girl I went to middle school with. We "went out" in 7th grade, then went to different high schools and didn’t see each other for about 17 years. We ran into each other in a bar in our hometown and sparks flew. Only problem was, she was married (miserably, to a guy almost 20 years older, with kids close to her age from a previous marriage that she can't stand). I had been living with someone, unhappily, for a few years. After a couple years of e-mails and such we got together and ended up in the sack. It was incredible. She left her husband and I left my girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for several months and love each other a lot. But she's still married and still calls him in her "damsel-in-distress" moments. And she never told him about me. She can't break her reliance on her "second father," and it's killing me. I would do anything for her, but she is still conflicted. She did leave him, so doesn’t that mean something? And I can’t imagine she would go back, as she knows I am better for her than he ever could be. What should I do? Get out so she can’t have her cake and eat it too?

POLL: What should he do?
 
5% (77) Wait for her. She'll come around...
 
24% (326) Move on. She's using you.
 
2% (30) Confront her husband.
 
60% (804) Make her choose, and prepare for the worst
 
6% (90) Make her choose, and prepare for the best
1327 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Jorn
Jorn

Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Nov 2007
Re: POLL: Junior-High-School Sweetheart (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 03, 2009 - 01:07 AM (#47338)

Don't confront her husband directly; that's just a bad idea.
Don't just move on without making an effort to improve the situation, unless you don't really care that much.

You can't wait on her; she will not change the current situation unless she is forced to. Prepare for the worst, not because that is how it will go, but because it could, and you really don't want to put yourself in a position to get your heart broken twice at the same time. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Also, don't expect an instant answer. There's a good chance she hasn't given the idea of moving on completely any serious consideration, and so will not be able to choose on the spot; if you try and make her, she wont choose you. Make it clear to her how you feel, and what you're looking for.

And really, prepare for the worst. Yes, it can hurt to leave, but it can hurt more to stay but never really be with her in the way you want to.


--
Sa souvraya niende missain ye; I am lost in my own mind.
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Caffeine
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: Junior-High-School Sweetheart (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 03, 2009 - 01:43 AM (#47339)

I would not confront her immediately. Most people, if confronted with a choice they are not yet ready to make (or maybe simply don't think necessary) they will probably go for what they know - you would not want to corner her, would you?

How serious are you two? You write that you love her - do you show her? Really? Or are you two "only" going out and having fun? And yes, you can make women madly fall in love with you, if it is the right woman.

First of all, being married is supposed to be a serious thing (and I would not trust anyone who handled it any other way), so it is not surprising if she has difficulty letting go. It probably simply takes some time.

Second - many women dating older men are, as you correctly put it, looking for a "second father". There is something reassuring about it - older men know what life is like, they take responsibility, they take better care (or at least give the impression). Maybe she simply has to find out how to get these things on her own (not from you, that would be substituting one need for another).

If you get to make her comfortable and feeling safe (and loved!) enough, she will surely come around for you... and even if it happens to be only an episode, you two will have had a good time together.

(By the way, why should she talk to her former partner about her current partner? I mean, *I* don't do that - or I didn't when I still had contact to my ex, it was none of his business anyway... but then I wouldn't talk to my current partner about the other ones... no good mixing relationships, not even by talking...)


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Junior-High-School Sweetheart (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 03, 2009 - 03:31 AM (#47340)

I would talk to her, let her know you love her and that you're confused about what she wants. Tell her you'd like to know how she thinks the relationship will evolve ... but don't ask for an immediate answer, ask her to think about it.

Jorn wrote:

You can't wait on her; she will not change the current situation unless she is forced to. Prepare for the worst, not because that is how it will go, but because it could, and you really don't want to put yourself in a position to get your heart broken twice at the same time. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Very good advice.

But she's still married and still calls him in her "damsel-in-distress" moments. And she never told him about me. She can't break her reliance on her "second father," and it's killing me.

It might be that she needs to rely on a father figure for advice and support. Is her actual father also a part of her life, playing that role?

She married her current husband for a reason. Does she need a father figure as a lover? If so, then it's plausible that she doesn't consider you husband material, since the two of you are the same age.

One more thing to consider: She hasn't told her husband about you. So what reason has she given him for moving out? Does that reason allow the possibility of a reconciliation? If she hasn't told him it's over, then there's always the possibility that she doesn't think it's over.


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inuchan01
Lover

Posts: 10

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Junior-High-School Sweetheart (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 03, 2009 - 03:47 PM (#47344)
Murgatroyd wrote:

One more thing to consider: She hasn't told her husband about you. So what reason has she given him for moving out? Does that reason allow the possibility of a reconciliation? If she hasn't told him it's over, then there's always the possibility that she doesn't think it's over.

I agree. Did she tell her husband that she's visiting relatives? That's a sure sign that she's using you as an ego-booster, not a permanent option.

Also, and I hate to sound like a mean b*tch, but are those quotation marks in your question hers...or yours? What I mean is, does she call her husband her "second father," or did you assign that term to him? How do you know that she is genuinely unhappy with her husband and his family, not just fighting with him or his kids and trying to get revenge?

If the quotations are her exact words, then I'd agree with the "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst" scenario.
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sundera79
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: POLL: Junior-High-School Sweetheart (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 03, 2009 - 06:58 PM (#47348)
If there ever was one for counseling, this is the one. Run, do not walk, to your local counseling center, mental health facility, university psychology department, or private counselor. (Friends' recommendations are the best way to find a private counselor; such counselors are sometimes superior to government employees, but usually are more expensive.) If she doesn't want to come with you, go by yourself. Counseling works if you let it.
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