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POLL RESULTS: Where to find the perfect man?: (27 comments)
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POLL: Where to find the perfect man?

Friday, April 10, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: Please help me. Among the men I date, the romantic ones, the ones who listen and seem interested and who wine and dine me, are all con men who just want to get me into bed. And the unromantic ones, the ones who show little interest, just want to hang out and never try to show me that they think I’m special, they are at least honest but otherwise totally self-absorbed. Aren’t there any men out there who are both romantic and sincere?

POLL: Where do you find a man who is romantic *and* sincere...
 
9% (119) You don't. You're lucky to get one or the other. Never both.
 
11% (142) Gar bars... Broadway plays... Hair salons...
 
21% (266) Men like that aren't born... they're trained.
 
1% (24) You need to look for younger men.
 
7% (90) You need to look for older men.
 
47% (570) Keep looking. He's out there.
1211 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Snobahr
Lover

Posts: 15

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 12:37 AM (#47377)

My husband of just over 19 years is both romantic and sincere. The key here, however, is that we both show interest IN EACHOTHER. It's rarely all about one or the other of us.

On the flip side of that, now that I recall, we had great sex in the first few months of our relationship, before settling down and being FRIENDS to eachother, rather than merely physical releases.


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Snobahr
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Posts: 15

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Jan 2008
Forgot to add... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 12:38 AM (#47378)
In Response to Snobahr (#47377):

(that's not to say the sex now, 22 years later, isn't any good... it's just not the prime motivator of our relationship!)


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vbalbert
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Posts: 4

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 12:50 AM (#47379)

I have no idea where you're looking for guys or even what your criteria for dating guys are, but I'll bet you're not considering the guys who will treat you the way you want. The type of guy you're looking for knows the value of the love of a good woman. Often, those that most fit that type are the ones who get turned down for dates all the time because they're not considered physically attractive or hip. You might want to broaden your search by not focusing on those who fit a narrow set of physical features.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 03:09 AM (#47380)

Among the men I date, the romantic ones, the ones who listen and seem interested and who wine and dine me, are all con men who just want to get me into bed. And the unromantic ones, the ones who show little interest, just want to hang out and never try to show me that they think IÂ’m special, they are at least honest but otherwise totally self-absorbed. Aren't there any men out there who are both romantic and sincere?

Translation: "Why, oh why, are there no men who will recognize that I am the center of the universe, a goddess who must be wined and dined and whose every word is the most precious utterance ever heard by mortal man? Why must men either want me to reciprocate their attention or else have lives and interests of their own?"

Maybe, just maybe the only men able to put up with your self-centered crap are the ones who are so obtuse that they don't recognize your terminal egotism and the ones who are hoping that the nookie will be so good that it will overcome the deficiencies of your personality.

Do you have any rational reason to believe that "the perfect man" would ever have any interest in you?


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AlternateAdvocate
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Posts: 9

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Jun 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 06:32 AM (#47382)

Was going to write a long rant but luckily I read Mergatroids first. He said it perfectly.

I'd further add that most of my female friends who've talked to me about things like this first judge a man on things like "is he wearing the RIGHT shoes" and "is his haircut the very latest style" and then they are surprised when the guys are superficial playas...

Don't see the connection? Bet you are SHOCKED to find gambling going on in this casino.


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moledude
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Apr 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 08:36 AM (#47384)

Unlike some of the other replies, I don't think I know anything about you, except that you seem to be a little naive about men. Here's the deal: As a man, romance = foreplay. He's not interested sexually? Then he sees you as a friend. Nobody takes a friend out for a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant. As for the "Con Men", are you sure you're not confusing "Want sex" with "ONLY want sex"?


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 09:18 AM (#47385)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#47380):

Ouch! That's some Tough Love, Murgatroyd. (do it again)

To the OP -

He does make a certain point. You judge these encounters solely on the treatment you receive. Do you give any thought to the quality of treatment you give to the guy?

And Alternate Advocate's point is good, too. What exactly is your criteria for determining if a man is date-worthy?

There is a reason why the flashy, high-maintenance guys get all the female attention. And it isn't because they deserve it.

The one thing you've correctly pointed out, without realizing it, is that both types of guys (you've chosen to date) *have no real interest in you*.

The kind of guy you're looking for is the kind you would never date. He is shy. And, you might have to pursue him... at least a little.

A side note - Don't fall into the next trap. For you, that would be to start dating married men because you think they're "safe". I've met too many women with your self-described problem that believe that.


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Azerik
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Posts: 35

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Apr 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 10, 2009 - 04:20 PM (#47392)

In a word, look for a Geek. The socially awkward guys in high school often grow up to be very attentive husbands and reasonably responsible people. Just reconcile yourself to the fact that a relationship should be some work for *both* people. In order to receive, you must give (without expectation of return or your're just keeping score).


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lwj2
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Posts: 33

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Feb 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, April 11, 2009 - 08:17 AM (#47402)

There are some good responses here.

I'll add my Pop's advice to me when I was a teenager -- "Fall in love from the shoulders up. Not down."


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, April 11, 2009 - 11:24 PM (#47404)

Azerik wrote:

In a word, look for a Geek. [...] In order to receive, you must give (without expectation of return or your're just keeping score).

Good advice, if she were an ordinary person. But she isn't an ordinary person, she's a Princess ... and she would never demean herself by being seen with someone as low-class as a Geek, much less treat one as an equal.

Remember, she's special.


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TrulyCapricious
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Posts: 4

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Apr 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, April 12, 2009 - 03:36 AM (#47405)

Wow, I haven't run across this much name calling since elementary school. Was all of that really necessary?

OP, like Dorthy Parker said, “Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.”

I'm getting the impression that you aren't dating these guys for long. Take your time and try looking at it a bit differently. You're dating two types of men: men who want you and men who want to be around you.

Pick the ones that you like and tell them what you want from them. Men are many wonderful things but "psychic" isn't on the list. I understand that it seems like it means less if they do something romantic because you asked them to. But really, if you ask for a romantic gesture and the guy you're dating goes to the trouble to give you one, that's a whole different kind of romantic all by itself. It means you matter to him enough that he's willing to try to make you happy by giving you what you've said you need from him. And wouldn't you prefer that to spontaneous roses?


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smparadox
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Posts: 11

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Mar 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, April 12, 2009 - 06:36 PM (#47407)
In Response to Azerik (#47392):

In a word, look for a Geek. The socially awkward guys in high school often grow up to be very attentive husbands and reasonably responsible people. Just reconcile yourself to the fact that a relationship should be some work for *both* people. In order to receive, you must give (without expectation of return or your're just keeping score).

Well put. I was going to say this, but now I will have to settle for adding a "me too". The men she is seeking are out there, but we aren't supermodels or movie stars, and we aren't partiers or playas. We are the guys everyone overlooks because we aren't hot enough, or we are a little awkward socially - which is itself because we have alwys been overlooked, and have less social experience than the rest of you.
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inuchan01
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Posts: 10

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Jan 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 13, 2009 - 01:45 AM (#47410)
In Response to smparadox (#47407):

I'm marrying my geek next year, and couldn't be happier. I completely agree with Azerik and smparadox. :)


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Khrys
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Posts: 8

Registered:
Mar 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 13, 2009 - 07:02 AM (#47411)

Oi vey. You're looking for the 'Nice Guy'. He doesn't exist. The guys who refer to themselves as 'Nice Guys' are generally just cowardly losers or something along those lines. On the helpful side, I say that you need to try dating outside your regular social circle. If these guys aren't what you like, go out of your way to find something else. Otherwise, you're just going to keep finding duds, honey.

On the less helpful side, it sounds like you could use an overhaul. Everyone is special, but baby, don't expect a man to treat you special from the start, before he knows you! He should treat you with courtesy, but don't expect him to think you hung the moon and stars on the first date! Maybe these boys are uninterested because you're not doing anything to make yourself seem interesting to them! Rather than playing head games, which BOTH sexes are equally guilty of... (I'm looking at you, guys and girls!) you should try being up front and honest. If it can work for me, it can work for anyone.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 13, 2009 - 09:23 AM (#47414)
In Response to Khrys (#47411):

-"Oi vey. You're looking for the 'Nice Guy'. He doesn't exist."-

They do exist, Khrys. It just takes one to know one.


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cycliclife
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Posts: 6

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 13, 2009 - 10:19 AM (#47415)

I've been in two relationships where it turned into all about one person and its not fun. The first time it took the turn down that road shortly after we started our third year together and we never recovered. Actually she is now married to a guy and her constant complaint is why won't he do what she wants him to do. I am not perfect but after a year of having to put up with it I bailed and she married this guy about a year later. The second time around I was with a girl that was always talking about how mature she was and that she deserved to be treated like a princess. She seems to be close to the OP. She had to be the center of attention and she found some friends that just fawned over her and that was the end of that, suddenly after spending two years pretty much just paying attention to her I was tossed over for her new friends. You can find nice guys who are romantic and sincere, I happen to have contact info for about three. They are truly nice, do anything for anyone guys. I wish I was a nice as they are, but I would go insane. Sadly, most of the nice guys lose out to the flashy users out there. People need to realize that you have to compromise in a relationship. We have a running joke around our office. Pick 3 of the following:
Good Personality
Good Looks
Sanity
Tolerant
Stability
Most people would be surprised at which ones lose out all of the time.


--
"Come on. Somewhere at the edge of the Bell curve is the girl for me"
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cycliclife
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Posts: 6

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Feb 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 13, 2009 - 10:31 AM (#47416)
In Response to smparadox (#47407):

I'm a little out of shape, but I've found that if I only work out the minimum that I need to when I'm single it will really shock a girl when you go from a little flabby and out of shape to in shape over the course of a month or so. This approach also weeds out the ones that are really superficial. I got lucky in high school, I ended up dating one of my female friends up until after graduation. I am not a social person, but she is so I got to observe the social stuff. The one thing you don't have to really ever worry about with the "Geek" is cheating. I've heard "my (insert favored profession here) cheated on me" I have never heard "my database programmer or my astrophysicist cheated on me". =)


--
"Come on. Somewhere at the edge of the Bell curve is the girl for me"
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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, April 15, 2009 - 05:25 AM (#47434)

I've heard "my (insert favored profession here) cheated on me" I have never heard "my database programmer or my astrophysicist cheated on me". =)

A friend of mine is an astrophysicist who (long ago) cheated on her husband. (And no, it wasn't with me.)


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duinefirinne
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Posts: 1

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Apr 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, April 16, 2009 - 03:01 AM (#47449)
In Response to Snobahr (#47377):

We are here, we are just 20 lbs over weight.


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Khrys
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Posts: 8

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Mar 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, April 16, 2009 - 03:39 AM (#47450)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#47414):

No. The so called 'Nice Guy' does not exist, only guys who call themselves 'Nice Guys', who are actually socially maladjusted losers who say things like 'Why doesn't she like Nice Guys?' The truth of the matter is, there is such a thing as a nice guy who is not a 'Nice Guy'.

Understand, I'm not saying there aren't guys who are nice, but anyone who purposefully labels himself a 'Nice Guy ' is usually NOT.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, April 16, 2009 - 09:17 AM (#47457)
In Response to Khrys (#47450):

-"Understand, I'm not saying there aren't guys who are nice, but anyone who purposefully labels himself a 'Nice Guy ' is usually NOT."-

Exactly. A nice guy can recognize a nice guy (himself excluded). So, if you don't believe in nice guys...


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CanadianLumberjack
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Posts: 5

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Apr 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, April 16, 2009 - 12:23 PM (#47463)

Train em.

GO get a chubby guy, theyre usually the best ones to train. Most of the time theyre sincere, funny, and appreciative of your love....all you have to do is get them to the gym and salad bar!
(speaking from experience here)


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whitroth
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Posts: 1

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Apr 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, April 16, 2009 - 08:49 PM (#47467)
In Response to CanadianLumberjack (#47463):

a) are you medium/slender
b) are you at least in your forties?

If a) & b), what metro area do you live in, and would you like an offer of meeting for coffee?

    mark


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ItchyD
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, April 18, 2009 - 11:52 AM (#47508)

Try a bookstore, wait for a guy who is in a section you like reading. At least you know you'll have one thing in common.


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Caffeine
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Posts: 46

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: Where to find the perfect man? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, April 22, 2009 - 01:25 PM (#47567)

Are you sure you want a guy who is "romantic and sincere"? Or do you simply want a guy who only does what you want him to do? (It may appear to be the same at first, but it really isn't.)

When I first met "my man", he was very gentleman-like, and I really loved it - it played an important role in me falling in love with him. He never tried anything, was always romantic and funny and everything... But it all got unnerving as he stayed gentleman-like when I tried to move the relationship on, really got on my nerves!

(That was about the point where I had to decide whether I wanted The Guy or someone who would do my bidding. I stayed with him, we took our time and have been happy ever after... )

*****************************


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