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POLL RESULTS: Mother dater: (4 comments)

POLL: Mother dater

Friday, May 22, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I am 35 and a lifelong bachelor. I'd love to get married someday and start a family. I'm dating through an Internet dating site, and I wonder: Am I at the age where I should consider dating women with children? Do you have cutoff dates for this? Any advice? I am leaning toward women with children. I target 29-40-year-olds.
POLL: Should this guy date a woman with children?
32% (340) YES! Why *wouldn't* he??
29% (303) SURE. He wants to get married and start a family... two birds / one stone.
4% (45) NO WAY! Kids are a drag on the relationship!
28% (295) NOPE. With his attitude? He'd approach her as if she was his second choice.
5% (52) NO. Once a lifelong bachelor, always a lifelong bachelor
1035 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)

Posts: 46

Feb 2009
Re: Mother dater (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 22, 2009 - 04:52 AM (#47943)

Well, I think you should get your priorities in a row first. What do you *really* want out of life? "Getting married and having a family" is a bit - uhm, meaningless. What kind of family do you want? Why do you want to get married? Is it this idea of coming home to someone? Or the tax benefits? (I don't know about where you come from, but in Germany it is a major incentive for many couples to get married.) Do you want to have someone special next to you for the rest of your life? What is it? And then - the kind of family: one kid, two, a dozen, ...?

After getting that sorted out, think about: Could you raise another man's child? And probably arrange yourself with the fact that he may always be a part of your life, if he still has contact with his child (which is the best thing for a child, but probably difficult for the other people involved)? How dearly do you want your "own" kids?

Furthermore, women with kids have different priorities. If they want to go out, they have to find a babysitter. If the kid gets sick, they probably will stay at home rather than go on a date. (At least good mothers will, and being in your place I wouldn't want to date a woman who acted otherwise.)

Finally, you also have to consider the fact that women have - in comparison to men - a rather short "fertile" period. Starting your own family may take some time... finding someone, getting to know her, building a relationship, settling down together. And when you start trying for kids, that may take some time, too...

If all this is sorted out, take my advice: Go out, meet nice people. Don't bother if she has kids or not. It may seem oldfashioned, but if you love each other, there is not much that the two (or three, or four) can't figure out.

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Posts: 205

Jan 2008
Re: Mother dater (Score: 1)
posted Friday, May 22, 2009 - 09:14 AM (#47945)
In Response to Caffeine (#47943):

Wow! After all that, I'm surprised anyone would date a mother. The only other choice left is to date almost exclusively between 18 and 24 years of age.

Or, perhaps, another alternative would be to stop thinking and date'm all (18-40+). Happiness doesn't come from being or thinking. People are only happy when they're doing something.

I say, yes, you should date single mothers. Yes, you should date single non-mothers. No, you shouldn't think about marriage or starting a family. No, you shouldn't look to avoid marriage, parenthood, or general reproduction.

Just find someone you enjoy spending your time with, with whom you can share a mutual respect for one another. This is all you should be thinking about right now. That, and what will you do on your date that won't bore the pants back onto her.

Here's the thing. A relationship with a mother and child(ren) *is* a package deal. But, your relationship with the child(ren) will be it's own deal entirely. If you are the kind of man that the kids can respect, then that's all that matters (aside from the obvious need for financial security). And, it's just a big distraction from the important truth of it all - how do you feel about her/them?

Oooh..., that's right. You're not supposed to think about that. Then how will you know?

Simply put, it'll just pop into your head and out of your mouth before you even have a moment to realize it and stop yourself from looking like a total ass (just like that time you told her "I think I love you" and she acted very calm but totally freaked at this big freaking wierdo who "thinks" he loves me when we just met like a month ago, so how could he even possibly know what the hell he's talking about, let alone what he's getting into, I mean really, how the hell does he expect me to react to something like this anyway...?)

...and THAT is why you shouldn't THINK about it. Why don't you just find out if she likes chinese food first, okay?

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Posts: 300

Jan 2008
Re: Mother dater (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, May 24, 2009 - 03:45 AM (#47952)

Hard to get better advice than in those two responses, so I'll just add this:

On re-reading the query, I was struck by how much it sounds like he's trying to order from a parts catalog. As someone who used to work in that business, I have to ask ... Are you an engineer? 8^D

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From: Saint Louis, MO

Posts: 10

Apr 2009
Re: Mother dater (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, May 24, 2009 - 05:42 PM (#47956)

When you say you're a lifelong bachelor, has this been a lifelong decision you're now changing? Or, have you just not found someone yet? I think that has a big part to play in whether you should be dating to get married. If you've been dating around and haven't been looking to get married, what about now makes it time to start that family you want?

You ask: "Am I at the age where I should consider dating women with children?" That depends on how you feel about children at all. Do you have any regular contact with kids, perhaps nieces or nephews? How do you feel about taking care of them? If you have no relationships with kids at all, are you prepared to sacrifice time and money to raise them? (Assuming you'll be doing a fair share of the raising, as I would hope.)

If you're a bachelor all this time by choice, evaluating your reasons for wanting a family will help you hone in on your decision. In the meantime, enjoy time spent with women you like.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente... --Pablo Neruda
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