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POLL RESULTS: What's the point in clicking?: (11 comments)

POLL: What's the point in clicking?

Friday, June 26, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes...Q: "I'm divorced, in my mid-50s, and so frustrated over the lack of suitable men to date. Many of my single women friends, older and younger than me, say the same thing. I've tried online dating, but it depresses me to meet so many men who are boring or weird. I look at the men's profiles, and I just think - yuck! Yet I know women who've met great men online, even married them. What am I doing wrong?"

POLL: A woman over fifty should try the following if she wants a man...
 
11% (98) Online dating
 
8% (77) Church
 
41% (366) Social groups
 
15% (132) Volunteering
 
3% (34) Bars
 
15% (140) Give up now
 
3% (33) I'll share my suggestion in the Comments section...
880 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
reynoldsrap
Lover

Posts: 14

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 02:25 AM (#48334)

You're probably being too picky. "Boring?" Maybe he just doesn't feel like sharing all of his life's secrets right away. "Weird?" Maybe that's a good thing. You're seeing these men online, which is a horrible way to get to know a person. Go on a date with someone who might not meet your expectations, which right now sound absurdly high if there isn't one man on those sites that interests you in the least. Who knows? He might be a lot more interesting than his spartan profile lets on.

Besides, many men hate talking about themselves for one reason or another.


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quixotecoyote
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Posts: 11

Registered:
May 2009
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 02:27 AM (#48335)

This falls solidly into the category of not enough information. The idea that being 50+ is enough to define dating behavior just doesn't cut it.

Does she have unrealistic expectations?

Is she so weird the normals look weird to her?

Does the conundrum of wanting men neither boring nor weird actually leave any potential men remaining for consideration?

What's her idea of a 'suitable man' anyway?

Simply not enough information to form an opinion from.


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hansg
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Posts: 2

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 02:51 AM (#48337)

While I'm a little younger and also looking to date women that are a little younger, my experience is that women are picky to the point that I've given up on online dating. I _think_ I don't look like Frankenstein's monster, and that my profile is, while maybe not that of Indiana Jones, at least not that of Freddie Krueger either. I've tried getting into contact with women on various websites, using a variety of messages: long, short, funny, serious, strong, circumspect, etc. Out of those hundreds of messages, I have only received answers by a handful of women (and most of those were along the lines of "sorry not interested").

Now, you are probably thinking I'm doing it wrong. That's quite likely true, but without feedback I cannot improve. I simply don't know _why_ women do not care to reply to me.

Worse, the whole thing has left me with a feeling of being utterly undesirable to the opposite sex. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to try to find someone to love and just being ignored by every last female out there?

So, if you are giving up on men because they are "too boring" or "too weird", I've got to wonder: did you actually talk to them for a while, or did you do what I guess is happening to me: stare at their picture for three seconds, glance over their profile, and then decide that you wouldn't like this person - without even communicating with him?

How do you decide someone is "boring" or "weird" anyway? What is the big turn-off that causes women to discard people like me without even bothering with an answer? I wish I knew...


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CasualNotice
Lover

Posts: 49

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 06:46 AM (#48339)

Honestly, if you think a 50-100 word profile is the same as actually meeting the person (even in the superficial sense that anyone "meets" on the internet) then that's half your problem, right there.


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nemodos
Lover

From: Saint Louis, MO

Posts: 10

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 07:41 AM (#48340)

I'd say social groups are a good idea, but joining just any group may not be pleasing to you, much less help you find someone you like.

If you have the time to check profiles, update your information, rotate pictures, and do all sorts of other things involved with online dating, then I suggest you spend some of that time on things you enjoy doing alone. If you like to ride a bike, for example, there are groups that hang out and do just that. Often, if you join a group of people that do a similar activity, you'll find a few people who are looking for some sort of companionship. Already starting on common ground allows you to spend time together in a neutral setting, and you can decide if you'd like to build from there or not.


--
Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente... --Pablo Neruda
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Guairdean
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Posts: 20

Registered:
Mar 2008
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 09:52 AM (#48345)

Finding a guy is fairly easy. They're out there looking for you, just make yourself available.

1. Don't try too hard, that's a little scary. Go to the store in your sweats. That makes you approachable.

2. Forget the makeup. A clean fresh face makes you real. Heavy makeup means you're hiding something.

3. Don't talk about commitments. If he likes you, he'll commit. If he's using you, he won't.

4. Be his friend, but not his best friend. He'll tell his best friend things he'll never tell his wife or lover. That's the way it's supposed to be. Get over it.

5. Don't expect him to change. Many relationships fail for two simple reasons. (1) She expects him to change, but he doesn't. (2) He expects her to not change, but she does.

6. If you love him, you won't try to hurt him no matter how much something he did hurts you. If he loves you he won't try to hurt you no matter how much something you did hurts him. If either one of you TRIES to hurt the other, it isn't love and it's time to move on. The same thing applies if either of you does something and doesn't care if it hurts the other or not.

7. Don't expect to understand him. He's male and you're not. You can't understand him. Don't expect him to understand you. You're female and he's not. He can't understand you. Accept that you are different. Learn where those differences are and where the similarities are. This will cut your arguments in half.

8. You are going to argue. Don't take it personally and don't make it personal. Before long you'll find that you're discussing and not arguing. You won't remember the change.

9. Most arguments aren't worth the trouble, but you won't know until you discuss it.

10. If it isn't working out, let it go. Try to save the friendship, but don't feel bad if that's gone too. It's hard to take a relationship backwards. If he handles it well, tell your friends about him. If he handles it badly, be SURE to tell your friends about him.


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Lucky
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Posts: 3

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 12:43 PM (#48346)

I'm a relative youngster, but from personal experience and from observation of friends, parents, relatives, etc. we all manage to find the worst relationships when we're actively seeking perfection. The happiest relationships seem to stem from the happy accident.

This isn't to say that no good can come from online dating (more on this below), or you should stop looking to meet people, I'm merely suggesting you change your outlook on your actions. Go out there and be social, but doing something that fulfills you. Trust me, you're way more attractive, inside and out, when you are making yourself happy. Let that be your main focus, but be open (or even eager) to finding someone that makes you *happier*.

Two quick digressions: 1) I understand that it's hard to be happy when you're lonely, but ironically, being with someone isn't really a cure for loneliness. No man or woman is an island, but nor are we meant to be dependent. Loneliness is a real feeling, but it's usually exacerbated by another underlying problem. Treat this other problem first for your own sake, as well as the sake of your future relationship.

2) Interesting people don't live their life on paper. I sound boring on paper; the loser I dumped over a year ago even one over my grandmother, when I gave her a superficial description of him (no easy feat since she still doesn't approve of her daughter-in-law). Pictures, profiles, compatibility ratings are no substitute for a conversation.


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ErikTheRed
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Posts: 25

Registered:
Jan 2008
Stop being so picky. (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 01:35 PM (#48348)

It doesn't matter where you meet people physically, but it matters tremendously where you are mentally. I'm going to go out on a limb (well, a very short branch) and guess that you have detailed mental checklists of things you want and don't want and that you only want to meet guys that meet all of these criteria. You need to be a bit more flexible, or you're going to be single forever.

Remember: you don't have to marry the first guy you meet up with (or the second, or the third, or the twentieth). You don't even have to date them. But you do need to start meeting up and hanging out with new people as often as possible. Even if they're not prospects, they'll help refine your dating skills and help refine and update your checklists. Additionally, guys have friends (of both sexes). Their friends can help expand your social sphere and you'll meet even more people. Meeting the right person is all about numbers - the more you meet, the faster it will happen (within reason; hanging out in homeless shelters and crack houses doesn't count, unless you're into that sort of thing).

Another thing about checklists - most of my friends fall in love with people who aren't what they imagined as their ideal person. They waste a lot of time with people who they think are perfect (rich, good looking, whatever) and are absolutely miserable, but stay with them because they meet the checklists. In almost every case the person they're actually happy with is a surprise out of the blue. I don't want to say don't have checklists (go ahead and stay away from crack whores and pimps), but keep them short and take them with a grain of salt.

Finally, keep this in mind: Say you see a guy and think: "Zomg! He's perfect!"... Do you really want to date him while your skills are a bit rusty? You're going to come off as weird, clingy, and maybe even desperate. You'll drive him away faster than if you started off by saying "I have herpes and AIDS!" Dating is a skill. Meeting people and getting to know them is a skill. You need to practice these constantly so that you'll be in shape when you meet Mr. Right.

Oh yeah, and I did get married to someone I met on the Internet.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 26, 2009 - 04:44 PM (#48349)

I'll try not to nit-pick your question to death, and just share some of my personal life experiences.

My wife is in her 50's, and she's older than I am. Some would say quite older. Anyway...

When we first got together over 10 years ago (as she was recently divorced); it seemed that the longer we were together, the more she expected me to provide the life she wanted with/(expected from) her ex-husband.

And, as she gets in contact with her friends, she still (even today) falls into many of the same routines and expectations that she had from back then.

When you've been with someone for a great deal of time, leaving behind your plans and dreams isn't something you're prepared to do.

The only thing I can offer as a suggestion, is that you need to break out of your own mold. (If you are,) stop looking for the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Start looking for men you'd like to spend the next few hours with. And, don't make it more than it has to be.

The hardest part about learning to love with someone again, is learning to laugh with someone again.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 27, 2009 - 01:26 AM (#48352)

I've tried online dating, but it depresses me to meet so many men who are boring or weird. I look at the men's profiles, and I just think - yuck! Yet I know women who've met great men online, even married them. What am I doing wrong?

Nothing that a personality transplant couldn't fix.


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Caffeine
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: What's the point in clicking? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 29, 2009 - 06:25 AM (#48364)

It does not matter where you meet your guy. You never know what he's like until you have soent some time with him. Online dating is getting more and more "normal", as people put more and more of their social life online.

In my family - yes, I am a bit younger than you, but the mechanics may be the same - there are two cases of happy online dating (my sister and me - she is married by now, I am looking forward to starting the 3rd year with "my" man). I do not know about her, but I also met quite scary guys online. So, you have to be careful (don't give out phone numbers, adress etc. too easily), but if you meet someone online and you chat away easily, why not meet in a public place, go on a date and see if it works out? Same way as in times when there was no internet. Meet someone, go on a date, keep him or drop him.

(Of course, people tend to lie or boast more online, but once you see them, you know the truth.)

One thing that has never worked for me, though, was LOOKING FOR A GUY. With that kind of vibes/behaviour, I only got weirdos. Once I decided I would not make myself miserable simply because I had no guy by my side, things got easy, and less than two months later I was off the market.

One point you have to keep in mind - if you do not feel safe online or if it creeps you out, don't use the internet. You won't find your significant other in surroundings you don't like.


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