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Empty Nest (6 comments)

Empty Nest

Friday, July 24, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes...Q: I've been married for 23 years and everything was great until a year ago when he started to change sexually. Things that he used to do with me before starting sex, he doesn't do anymore. We have three grown children and we are going to be left alone as they make their lives. What can I do for him to make things like they were before?

MadDavid
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jul 2009
Re: Empty Nest (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 24, 2009 - 12:53 AM (#48628)

Simple. Make it clear that you won't give him sex until he gives you foreplay. I'm sure he'll learn quickly.

Ok. Let me qualify this with two things.
First, if he can't physically do the things he used to, you need to get a grip and come up with some alternative to "make things exactly like they were before."
Second, as Ask Abby always says, when someone develops a sudden change in personality, you need to consider medical causes and talk to a doctor even if the change in personality is something you don't feel comfortable discussing with your doctor. Especially pay attention if the sudden absence of foreplay was accompanied by other changes, such as loss of memory, etc.

But even if there's a medical excuse for why he's suddenly not performing foreplay, you still need to sit down and explain to him that marital happiness is a two-way street. Unless he makes an effort to make sure you're happy in your sex life, he won't be happy in his. I'm sure he'll work out that trying to get without giving will get him nowhere.


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Caffeine
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Posts: 46

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: Empty Nest (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 24, 2009 - 06:54 AM (#48629)

If there are no medical conditions or personal issues he has to come to terms with - talk to him. Tell him you miss certain things and don't have as much fun as you used to. Ask him whether you changed without noticing or if there is anything he would *like* to change.

Work from that point on.


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nemodos
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From: Saint Louis, MO

Posts: 10

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Empty Nest (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 24, 2009 - 10:35 AM (#48630)
In Response to MadDavid (#48628):

It might be helpful for you to guide or initiate these "things" he used to do. Maybe it's medical; maybe he's growing older or tired of these things; whatever the case, try to start the activities or "show him the way." If there's still a problem, then it might be time for more than just a talk with him - say, that doctor's visit.


--
Me gustas cuando callas porque estás como ausente... --Pablo Neruda
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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Empty Nest (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, July 25, 2009 - 01:39 AM (#48632)

I've been married for 23 years and everything was great until a year ago when he started to change sexually.

Um ... So you're both probably in your mid to late forties, right? There might be a physical change with him, in which case yes, talk to him and if appropriate get him to a doctor.

But it might be a physical change in you ... Your body most likely has changed a bit from the way it looked at age 25. If you ask him what's wrong, be prepared for an answer you don't like. (Note: I don't see this as the most likely scenario, but you should be prepared for it.)


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Noire
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Posts: 4

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Apr 2009
Re: Empty Nest (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, July 25, 2009 - 03:19 AM (#48633)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#48632):

It depends on how he changed sexually. Did he stop doing a specific thing, was it a gradual loss of all forplay, or did all forplay suddenly vanish? Was that the only change, or did frequency and length diminish? Did he have a total personality shift, or was it only in the bedroom? Does it seem like the sex is a token effort, or an assumed event? All of these factors change what scenario is most likely in your situation.

The most important thing, no matter what, is to discuss it with him! Unless you say something, he may not even be aware that you are no longer satisfied. Men can't read minds, and 'subtle' hints can be subtle to the point that only you are aware they're hints.

Unlike everyone else, at early, mid to even late forties, while some sort of medical issue is possible, especially if there are other physical or emotional signs in or outside the bedroom, I don't think it's super likely. More likely is a, he's gotten complacent and started making a token or less effort, b, he may not be aware how important what he stopped doing was to your satisfaction, or c, he's going through one of those famed midlife crisis whirls.

If he or you both are 50-60+, medical issues, especially connected to the memory loss mentioned by MadDavid are a lot more likely, Same goes for most men, and women, with flexibility and strength loss resulting in a physical inability to do something.

No matter what the cause, don't talk to use about it, talk to him!


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whutaguy
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Posts: 14

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Empty Nest (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, July 29, 2009 - 04:51 PM (#48652)

About 20 years ago and since you both have changed. He learned secret sex. It should be fast, quiet, and goal oriented. You probably started dressing and acting like a mom. The result was he learned to have secret sex with a mother. These both need to change so he can have circus sex with a wonton woman.

1) You need to dress inappropriately at home. Short skirts or shorter shorts. Low tops or more missing buttons. Lost the bra frequently. Ditch the granny panties and get racier. Put more effort in your appearance for him than for your job, friends or church. While you are at it, upgrade his underwear drawer, not too drastic but colored tighties or some silks.
2)Act inappropriately at home. Bring him a beverage or snack and include a kiss and an intentional brush of his groin. Jump in his shower with a handjob or commit other lewd acts. If his buddy comes over, continue with #1, and work in more #2.
3) Act inappropriately in public. Not the same inappropriate as 2. But let him know you aren't wearing panties just after getting to the resturant, or remove them in the restroom then discretely hand them to him. Reach into his pockets for keys or money. Grab his ass.
4) Encourage circus sex. When you do get busy, get loud. Porno loud. Let him know that its fun, not work.


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