Well, at least you should maybe explain your behaviour to your partner... just for fairnes' sake?
POLL RESULTS: Mad About You: (7 comments)
POLL: Mad About You
in Reader Questions by Guigar
Friday, August 14, 2009 - 12:00 AM
A reader writes... Q: Sometimes, when my partner comes home angry, it turns me on. Is it wrong for me to deliberately make my partner even angrier? I get great sex afterward, but I'm afraid I may cause a heart attack. What should I do?
POLL: What's the best kind of sex?
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posted Friday, August 14, 2009 - 07:50 AM (#48868)
I see no great harm in this as long as your partner is aware of what's going on. If your partner doesn't realize you're deliberately rocking his/her world right after a fight, he/she is going to subconsciously learn to get angry in order to get good sex, which could lead to fights that mess up your relationship. Open up about it, though, and you've turned it into a fun way to let off steam. Openness always (usually) wins.
posted Friday, August 14, 2009 - 08:26 AM (#48870)
I think you need to figure out WHY it turns you on when your partner is angry.
What you are describing is a very slippery slope that could lead to domestic abuse. Right now you are taking advantage of his/her already angry mood. However, in the future, that could lead to provoking the anger just to get "great sex". The problem with that is it could lead to physical responses YOU DON'T WANT and I don't mean a heart attack.
I fully agree with talking to your mate about getting aroused by his/her anger. Hopefully the two of you can figure out safer ways to get the "great sex" without using anger as a play toy.
posted Friday, August 14, 2009 - 11:28 AM (#48873)
Coincidentally, I was recently reading a couple's psychology book that talked about this. According to this book, some couples like to fight before sex, because to them the 'make up' sex is extra-hot. (The book didn't phrase it that way, of course.) That's why you may know couples that fight all the time, but seem to be together long-term.
Like other readers said, so long as your partner is committed, and doesn't see the anger/fighting as a sign that you are not a suitable couple, you're probably ok. But I'd have a chat about it some time (perhaps post-sex) just to check in.
If my partner were provoking me all the time, I'd walk. But I'm a low-drama kinda guy.
posted Friday, August 14, 2009 - 12:06 PM (#48874)
There is (probably) nothing wrong with taking advantage of the elevated hormones that raise the "passion" levels in post-fight sex.
However, provoking fights (or prolonging them) simply for that make up sex... Go seek counseling.
For long term stability, a couple's sex life needs some variety. At the most basic level, that means differing qualities of sex. Sometimes it's "quiet romantic evening" sex, sometimes it's "quick, your parents stepped out for 10 minutes" sex. Make up sex is part of that.
The problem I see is two-fold. First, having that kind of overcharged sex all the time will lead to it becoming dull, leading to escalation in order to achieve the same feeling (see also: heroin addiction). First you just take advantage of him being cranky. Then you are unsympathetic. After that you provoke him a little. Eventually you are picking a fight just to get to the make up sex.
Second, the fights that set up the make up sex. Ultimately when you say something to your partner you can *never* take it back. You can apologize, you can be forgiven, but whatever it is you said will be there for-frakking-ever. Even if you said it just in the heat of the moment intending on hurting your partner for some perceived slight, even if you just made it up for that purpose, the thought in their head is, "He/She said it, so they must actually think it at some level."
Good or bad, if you don't mean it and don't want your partner to remember it forever, then DON'T SAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Nutshell version : if this is the only way you can enjoy sex with your partner, seek professional help. The perceived quality and passion of make up sex will go way down if that's the only kind of sex you have.
posted Monday, August 17, 2009 - 12:01 AM (#48912)
Is it wrong for me to deliberately make my partner even angrier? I get great sex afterward ...
And what happens if, in the hope of having really great make-up sex afterward, you provoke your partner past the point of no return, and he or she decides that you just aren't worth the aggravation any more?
Frankly, if I'd ever found out that a lover had done that to me, I'd have responded with a heartfelt FOAD.
I'm with Azerik on this one. If you're doing this for fun, and you've misled your partner into thinking it's real, you need professional help.
posted Monday, August 17, 2009 - 11:08 AM (#48924)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#48912):
Telling the partner ahead of time can deflate the whole thing. If they're going to fess-up, do it afterwards.
But, yeah, professional help may very well be warranted. Even if it'll probably only lead to a tell-all book or interesting case study someday.
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