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POLL RESULTS: Seeing the writing on the Wall: (8 comments)

POLL: Seeing the writing on the Wall

Friday, August 21, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I have been married for 14 years. My husband recently set up a Facebook account and has been communicating with his college girlfriend on it. She's very pretty. He told her he was happy to hear from her again. I can't stop thinking about it. Should I confront him?

POLL: Communicating with an ex via Facebook is cheating.
 
9% (150) I'm a man and I say True
 
75% (1261) I'm a man and I say False
 
1% (23) I'm a woman and I say True
 
13% (226) I'm a woman and I say False
1660 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: Seeing the writing on the Wall (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 21, 2009 - 12:47 AM (#48983)

First of all, the "very pretty" comment makes you sound insecure. Men cheat with ugly women all the time. On the other hand, has he kept this from you? Did he say, "I heard from my ex-girlfriend,", just not tell you about it, or did he somehow conceal this from you? There are any number of reasons why he's talking to her...after all, college is a powerful time in just about everyone's life. I think that you should talk to him. Don't make this (or even think about this to yourself as) confronting him; if your suspicions are right, it doesn't gain your anything, and if they're wrong, you're not accusing your innocent spouse of something nefarious. Does he list his married status on his Facebook page? Did he talk about his (happy) married life? Honestly, there are more questions here than anything. Ask a few, but don't attack him, because there are many reasons why he's not out to boink an old flame.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Seeing the writing on the Wall (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 21, 2009 - 01:13 AM (#48984)

Stevarooni nails it.

I'll only add that a great way to screw up a marriage is to tell your husband that you don't trust him and you think he's cheating on you -- or would cheat on you if given the chance.

Face it, most married men have multiple opportunities to cheat over the course of a marriage. They don't take advantage of these opportunities because they love their wives and they don't want to break their wedding vows. But if you're going to accuse, try, convict, and punish him whether he's cheated or not, then what incentive have you given him to stay faithful to you?


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DarQuing
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
Jan 2009
Re: Seeing the writing on the Wall (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 21, 2009 - 01:55 AM (#48985)

Communicating with an ex at all, is not cheating.

That being said, talk to your partner, and explain how you feel about the situation without seeming like you don't trust him/her. I'm not saying they aren't cheating on you, but don't assume he/she is ('cuz we all know what happens when you assume).

The first rule of resolving any issue in a marriage is to communicate with each other.


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jtallguy
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Seeing the writing on the Wall (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 21, 2009 - 10:22 AM (#48989)

If you husband were planning to cheat, he wouldn't be telling you about this conversationally.

I'm on good terms socially with several of my exes. I was even best man at my ex-girlfriend's wedding.

Your comment about her being pretty is rather telling --- what I'm hearing in your letter is that you are feeling insecure about your own appearance after 14 years of marriage. That might be something you want to think about.

In the meantime, always remember that she's just an old girlfriend. And clearly it didn't work out between them. YOU are his WIFE -- the person he chose to spend his whole life with.


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Azerik
Lover

Posts: 35

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Seeing the writing on the Wall (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 21, 2009 - 11:21 AM (#48990)

The responses at the time I write this are telling of the demographic that follows this comic. There are 477 responses from men and 78 from women.

Is it "cheating"? No, the short answer is that it isn't. The longer answer is that it could be depending on the nature of the communication. If they are exchanging steamy emails that would look better in the letters area of Penthouse...then it is.

The thing to do is not to "confront" him really, but talk to him. Explain that it makes you a bit jealous and uncomfortable. Talk to him about it and unless your marriage is already headed down the tubes, then it should be all you need to be reassured. He's stuck with you for 14 years so he has a good track record. A little (stress the "little") jealousy should be present in a marriage, it shows how committed one is to the other.

I actually had this situation happen a year or two back. I had registered on classmates.com in anticipation of my upcoming 20th reunion. I was somewhat shocked to get a message from a girl I dated in High School. My wife didn't freak out, but did ask some pointed questions and everything was resolved with my reassurance that there was nothing that could happen.

Unless you have reason to expect the worst, just talk to him and I'm sure it will all be resolved.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Seeing the writing on the Wall (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 21, 2009 - 12:27 PM (#48991)
In Response to Azerik (#48990):

I wouldn't even go as far as talking to the spouse.

My wife is the jealous, insecure type. She used to become extremely sensitive when I would mention past female friends. Even if I hadn't even engaged in any intimate relationships with them.

But, if I talk about the men she meets at work, she automatically assumes that I'm accusing her of having an emotional affair; when I know that it isn't the case.

It's made for some fairly rough conversations. Even after almost 11 yrs.

The best thing that you can do is learn to think, rather than react on gut feelings. This might just be your way of recognizing that you could appreciate your marriage better.

As others have noticed, there are unanswered questions here:

Is there something wrong with the way he's communicating with her?

Do you have any other problems with her, other than her being pretty to you?

How did you find out that they were in contact? Was it posted on his wall? Or, did you secretly access his account to see what he's up to?

Does your husband have a past of sneaking around?


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JohnSmallBerries
Lover

Posts: 8

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Seeing the writing on the Wall (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 21, 2009 - 02:43 PM (#48995)
After 14 years of marriage, you should have a pretty good idea what kind of person your husband is. Is he faithful to you, and able to resist temptation? (Then why worry about this?) Or is he the kind to get bored and stray? (Then why would you stay married to him?)

On Facebook, it's kind of hard not to run into someone from your past. I've run into a couple of ex-girlfriends with whom I parted on amicable terms. But I haven't left my wife to go back to them; I have no desire to revisit those chapters of my life.

On the other hand, my stepmother ran across an old flame on classmates.com, and divorced my father to go shack up with the guy.

So it's not the situation, it's the character of the individual who finds himself (or herself) in it.

What's your husband's character?
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Caffeine
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: Seeing the writing on the Wall (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, August 22, 2009 - 05:11 AM (#49003)

Me personally, I think it is a good character trait if one can talk to an ex on friendly conditions (and I try to keep it this way). My boyfriend also is still good friends with at least one of his ex-girlfriends, and I don't find that a problem, either.

I mean, if you LOVED someone at one time, you should still be able to see at least something good in them. And if there hasn't been cheating or some other major No-Go involved in ending the other relationship, this shouldn't change.

If you are insecure about your and her place in your husband's world, talk to him. But I wouldn't take it this serious. Why be insecure about her and not about all the other beautiful and less-beautiful women in the world? (As my boyfriend just said, "Of course you can cheat on your significant other with ugly people.")

*** Hmm, the last bit probably wasn't helpful. What I'm trying to say - YOU HAVE TO TRUST HIM. ***


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