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Time to say bye-bi? (11 comments)

Time to say bye-bi?

Friday, August 28, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I am a 23-year-old male who has been dating a 20-year-old female. We just met in May. Now she is talking about marrying me and having kids. I love her, but I feel things are just moving way too fast. She is bisexual and it's not a problem. However, she wants to bring a lady in that I do not like. Recently, we argue and fight a lot. I am kind of not in love with her much anymore. However, I do not want to see her get hurt or try to hurt herself if I try to break-up with her. She is a great girl. It is just that she is moving way too fast for me. Please help me do what's right so that she does not get hurt. Thank you so much.

quixotecoyote
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 12:48 AM (#49079)

You're dating not married. You've also been dating less than a year. You should be able to break off a relationship of this length without severe mental distress.

Breaking up is never easy to do, but it's a necessary skill to learn, or you get stuck in really dreary places.

I'm assuming you've already discussing your feelings and issues, so you're left with here wanting to do things you're not comfortable with and are dealbreakers for you. That's a red flag that it's time to move on.

The other red flag that stood out is the 'don't want to hurt her' bit. I've met maybe one person who legitimately felt that as the main reason. Everyone else I've heard it from is using it to mask fears about the breakup and give themselves excuses for not acting. So be honest with yourself.


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Gruhl
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 01:20 AM (#49080)

Well, in my not very professional opinion: Tell her you don't like the girl she wants to drag into your bed.
Ask her why she feels marrying is a good idea.

But, first and foremost: Get to know her... And let her get to know you. Ask her what she want out of life... and don't accept answers she haven't thought hard about. And think hard about what you want in life, and let her know.

If you both are honest with yourselves and eachother, you have the least risk of causing eachother grievious emotional pain later on.

By the way, would you be cool with suggesting that she is intimate with that girl somewhere else, so you didn't have to join in? How do you think your girlfriend would take such a suggestion?

I have friends who have stayed together and friends who have broken up... In both cases, it has always been better when the parties have spoken honestly with eachother.

But...take my advice with a couple of grains of salt... My personal experience in situations like theese is a bit limited, my age notwithstanding.

Good luck. (You'll probably going to need it)


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Klytus
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 06:19 AM (#49082)

You cannot let "I don't want to hurt her" be your primary motivator, here. I did that with wife in our 10-year marriage, and I was miserable beyond words for it. Sometimes, there *IS* no way to do what is right by yourself without hurting someone else. That's life.

You tell her the truth: things are going WAY too fast for you, you do not like the woman she wants to bring into bed, and you need to resolve the things you are always fighting about. If she cannot, or will not, do this, then you may need to break up with her. Harsh, but something you MUST consider. The alternative is years and years of you trying to placate her while you suffer until you reach your breaking point, at which point, everyone is going to get hurt FAR worse than if you nip this thing in the bud NOW.

Also remember, you are NOT responsible for how she thinks, feels or behaves. If she react badly to a break-up, that is on her, not you.


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jasonred
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 06:44 AM (#49083)

You are confusing the issue with a lot of red herrings:

"I am kind of not in love with her much anymore. However, I do not want to see her get hurt or try to hurt herself if I try to break-up with her."

This is the key point.

To be even more concise:

""I am kind of not in love with her much anymore."

is the should be the main topic. Though I admit the bisexual stuff makes a more interesting webcomic by far!

It's actually very simple. Sit down and review your feelings for her. You really sound confused whether you still love her or not.

After that, sit down with her and discuss your feelings for each other, honestly. (SUPER TOUGH, I know.)

If you can do these 2 simple things, everything will become clear.

Whatever you do, don't break up then regret it, since you first say you love her, then say you aren't sure you love her.

Everyone is right about the moving too fast bit though. If she wants to get married, and you are not sure about your feelings, it is far too fast!

BTW, You met her in May, fell in love and less than 4 months later you are not sure if you love her much. Hmm.


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Caffeine
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 07:40 AM (#49085)

The most important thing has already been said, but I don't mind repeating it - TALK TO HER.

After four months, a relationship is not ready for the marriage talk - even though it may sound like a good idea because the couple's still madly in love/lust. From my experience, this "rushing ahead" is one of the main reasons why young relationships fall apart. (Scientifically speaking, after about 9 to 18 months your body has gotten used to the "love charm" hormone cocktail, so you should at least wait till then with the marriage talk.)

But that is her thing to learn, not yours.

Your job is only to talk to her. Be honest with her. Be honest with yourself. Don't stay in a relationship for any reason but love.

(No, I am not a romantic.)


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ravensfrost
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 08:14 AM (#49086)

There seems to be several points to your question and in all honesty I'm pretty much repeating what's been said.
1) she really is moving too fast and if your not comfortable talk to her.
2) 'Kind of not in love with her' tell me you do love her but not in the girlfriend/wife way and that what your most afraid of is losing someone whom you love like a close friend or sister.
3) If she does something stupid afterwards then remember it was her who chose that action. This is easier said than done because you'll always wonder if you could have done it in a nicer way but those actions do not prove she loves you. I am in love and have been for over three years with someone who has a psychological disorder and it's because she loves me that she stays away from temptation and asks for help and she would do this even if I left so threat or actions are proof she was thinking of herself not you and you are not guilty for her actions.
4) Talking is good. Talking is hard. It's that simple.If you can't talk, if it's too uncomfortable, then somethings wrong. I know it sounds silly and you'll feel like an idiot doing it but if you can't talk then take time with her and both of you write a letter to each other about what your both thinking.

Now I just want to add something that no-one else seems to have. I have been in a three way relationship, it can work, but when it doesn't it's usually only one person who gets the hurt of rejection. You were unclear as to whether this girl was just for a night or permenant. If she's just for one night then are you ok with it? If you are your g/f can find someone else whom your both interested in. If it's for longer than that then not liking the other person is even more problematic. Do you know that girl she's suggesting? Is she a friend? If your getting another person involved this is going to get sticky fast.

Overall talk to her. This sound to me that your girlfriend is in the same position as you. She really likes you but isn't all that sure she's 'in' love with you as so trying not to hurt you she's trying to find out if she can rekindle the love with something different. This stand for either lust (the threesome) or lond term devotion (getting wed and kids)so talk (no raised voices or blame if you can help it), be understanding and maybe out of this you'll get a great friend who'll be kickass at hooking you up with women.

Boy that was long but I hope atleast some of it helped.


--
I thought I had an appetite for destruction, turns out all I needed was a cookie.
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galaxygoddess
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 12:25 PM (#49089)

First of all, you're very confusing. Which leads me to believe that you are concerned with which part is the bigger issue here.

Everyone else's comments helped to clarify your question for me.

Honestly, I think you're more worried about hurting yourself than her. You're also busy worrying about looking like "the bad guy". Take it from experience, that's NEVER a good sign. In a good relationship is there is no good guy or bad guy, there are just two opposing viewpoints.

My first marriage was a disaster because we rushed into it. I barely knew the moron a couple of months before he was pressuring me and making me feel like shit because I wasn't throwing up the nuptials immediately as of YESTERDAY. So in order to placate him and make him happy I married the dimwit. Wow, if only I had a time machine so I could go slap myself.

But I digress, your girlfriend could be totally different from my ex, but I see a number of key complaints that are the same, namely the toughts that even *I* had "I wanna leave him, but how do I do it so he doesn't self destruct?"

*whaps you with a newspaper* NO!

People are going to do what they are going to do, and some women may act like it's the end of the universe (god my sister was notorious) but then they have themselves a good cry and move on to the next poor shmuck who looks interested. If they're going to self destruct, that's their problem, and not a damn thing you can do, or could have done. (again, way too much experience).

But on a different note, let's take a track on another subject in here.

I find it odd you list bisexual in there, and then quickly assess that it's "not a problem". Well, you brought it up, so now I think it is. You may have brought it up because of this other woman thing. Ok, that's fine, but it screeches volumes that you're not comfortable with this. Also, you've argued over it. Well, that's her not really listening isn't it?

I know a couple, who are currently happily married, but they have a "weird" open relationship. They first discussed the desire to have an extra person (or two) and how the other person felt about it. After a long open discussion that was calm and thought out, they agreed this would be a great idea to spice up their relationship. Then one found the outside person, they discussed the person completely, and then agreed upon it, and approached the person and laid it all out for him. That guy agreed, thought it was awesome, and they came to arrangement. Now they're all 3 a big happy... something, I don't know what, but all sides are in love with this agreement.

The main point here? they TALKED equally, and openly about each and every step. After everything, they talked some more and discussed how they felt about it all. At any one point ANY of them had said "I'm not comfortable with this" then it would have not happened.

But here you are, in a relationship in which you're afraid and want to escape without being "the bad guy", and your girlfriend feels your need to escape and wants to entice you back with "every guy's fantasy" (yeah right, and I'm the pope, you like my awesome hat?).

She needs to understand that you don't see this is as a bonus, and instead as another leap to keep you, one of which has you rabbiting out.

If she still refuses to see any of it, just be blunt dammit. "I'm done, I can't do this any more". Any dragging it out on your part is just going to damage you all more, and "hurt" everyone invovled just THAT much more.

Rip the freaking bandaid off, have a good whine about it, and re-evaluate what you want out of a relationship, then move on.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 01:20 PM (#49091)

It's time for the tough love...

Are you sure that you're 23, and not 17. What the hell is wrong with you?!

At what point did you decide that bi-sexual meant polygamist?

Did you think that this would just be an easy way to bang two chicks at once?

You said at the top of the post that you love her. Then, at the bottom of the post, you say you're, "...kind of not in love with her much anymore." What's it gonna be?

If she was going to bring in a lady that you do like, would you still "love" her?

If you don't want her to get hurt, then just get out of this relationship.

Then, don't get involved in a serious relationship until you've figured out what the hell you want.


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KennyCelican
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, August 28, 2009 - 05:20 PM (#49092)

The first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself. Based on your hesitant phrasings, I'd say there's something you're not letting yourself see. I could be wrong there, but it never hurts to step back and self examine.

The first question to answer is this: Do you really want to be with this woman? Separate the permanent facets from the ephemeral ones. She's bi (and, it sounds like, poly), which means she will want to bring other people (women at least) into the relationship. Can you deal with that? She wants to get married, so she will want a commitment eventually. Can you deal with making a commitment at some point, or are you unwilling to consider it yet? Most importantly, is she a person you want to be with who is doing things you don't like, or is she someone you don't really like, and these requests / demands are just a convenient excuse?

If you realize you don't want to be with her, tell her. Be honest. Tell her she's great, but she's just not for you. Don't get into details; they're not really relevant at that point, but don't be mean about it. Be nice, part friends, and move on.

If you realize you DO want to be with her, be equally honest about any problems you have. Tell her that it's not the fact that she wants to bring a woman into your mutual bed, but the particular woman. Tell her that you're not unwilling to consider a commitment eventually, but you're not ready for one now.

Above all, whatever you decide, be honest and open, and don't be forced into anything that's not right for you. If you're honest, even if things don't work out the way you want, you've nothing to be ashamed of. If you maintain your integrity, you may not be happy now, but you leave yourself the potential for future happiness.

If you lie and are untrue to yourself to avoid hurting someone now, you will eventually put yourself and them into a position where both of you are hurt far more than a simple breakup; if others are involved by then, they'll be hurt as well.


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DanialArin
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, August 30, 2009 - 03:38 PM (#49113)

A friend of mine recently got out of a relationship for a pretty similar reason: her boyfriend wanted to bring in a second woman. Long story short, she isn't actually bi and absolutely prefers monogamy; he hit her with this out of the blue; he'd already picked a girl she knows to be broken six ways from Sunday and who she absolutely doesn't trust; and he kept pushing when she said no. She'd had enough, and she told him he could go pursue this other girl without her.

I've seen a few people I know get into three-way or four-way relationships, and while I've heard it works occasionally, I've never seen those cases in person. Hasn't mattered which member of the couple brings in the extra person or pair, something usually breaks pretty quickly. Sometimes the add-on gets subtracted, more often it's the original relationship, and when it's a four-way... the last one of those I saw turned into a canceled engagement on one pair and a divorce in the other, as the guy from one pair hooked up with the girl from the other, leaving both of their former partners twisting in the wind.

The only times I've personally seen someone actually perfectly happy in a relationship with a "bi" who had other partners were when the "other partner" was just for clothes-on play (and teasing of the primary partner), and not an actual part of the relationship... and those games tended to die off as the primary relationship solidified.

You haven't been in this relationship long enough to be seriously considering marriage. Not that I haven't see shorter courtships still work out, but unless it's a shotgun wedding (or some other imminent legal mess that getting married will help one of you avoid) there's no valid reason to push so fast.

You're both still rather young, both still have time to figure things out, and from the looks of things, both still have things to figure out. Don't go on like this. Tell her she's pushing too hard, too fast, and in too many directions. If she backs off, your current relationship might be salvagable... but I don't think it's worth the risk that she'll keep pulling stuff like this.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Time to say bye-bi? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, August 31, 2009 - 03:30 AM (#49119)

Hmm. What do we know about this woman?

* She's 20 years old, she's known him for four months, and she already wants to marry him and make babies. That's OK, I know several women who fit that profile when they married; a few have been happily married for three and four decades.

* She is bisexual and she wants to bring in a woman he doesn't like. Bisexual is OK he's cool with it; ignoring his opinion on the identity of the third person is not. If he doesn't want a threesome, will the girlfriend have sex with the other woman on her own? How would he feel about that? Would she want sex with other men in a threesome? On her own? After marriage?

* "Recently" -- in a four-month-old relationship -- they argue and fight a lot. This does not bode well for their long-term prospects.

* He believes she is capable of hurting herself if he tries to break-up with her. Uh-oh!

Does this woman sound stable to you?

She reminds me of that line from Robin Williams: "Her mouth says 'I love you' but her eyes say 'Helter-Skelter!'"

TheOriginalJes asked: You said at the top of the post that you love her. Then, at the bottom of the post, you say you're, "...kind of not in love with her much anymore." What's it gonna be?

I think what he's saying is that he loves her in the sense that he cares about her very much, does not want her to get hurt, and enjoys sex with her ... but he is no longer in love with her in that she's now unpleasant to be with, has incompatible sexual tastes, and doesn't seem to care about him as a person rather than as a sperm donor and orgasm facilitator.

Run, Forrest! Run!


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