forums

welcome! please login or register.

 

 

 

POLL RESULTS: Why Doesn't She Understand?: (12 comments)

POLL: Why Doesn't She Understand?

Friday, November 20, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: Why is it that people totally ignore another person's wishes? For example -- If I say I'm interested in dating only and not looking for a relationship, why would a woman agree to date me if she's looking for more?

POLL: This question is all about honesty. I mean, what he actually means is "What's the best way to tell a woman that I'm just in it for the potential to have sex"? So... what's the best way?
 
27% (369) He had it right: "I'm interested in dating only and not looking for a relationship"
 
64% (858) Come right out and say it: "I'm only interested in a physical relationship"
 
2% (37) Don't say either. She'll figure it out when the phone doesn't ring
 
5% (68) He should *pretend* that he wants a relationship and then pretend that it just didn't work out. Right after the sex.
1332 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 20, 2009 - 12:33 AM (#50141)

I contemplated "...physical relationship," but sometimes people do just want to date; they don't necessarily want to have sex. I've certainly been told, repeatedly, that the only way to be comfortable with dating is to do a lot of it. If you're one of those people just looking to get some dating in, and you're not looking for a serious relationship (too young, not in a stable place because you're going to move pretty soon, etc.), why not just say so? Though if you are just looking to hook up, you should state that, as well.

Honesty is very important. If you say that you're not looking for something serious, people should respect your wishes. But you also shouldn't move into serious territory if you don't want to be there.


Locked profile
akkhima
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 20, 2009 - 01:06 AM (#50142)
In Response to Stevarooni (#50141):

It's possible that she had every intention to honor your wishes when you first told her you were only interested in dating, but then she got attached. It happens.


Locked profile
whutaguy
Lover

Posts: 14

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 20, 2009 - 06:21 AM (#50145)

You: I just want to date/have sex.
Her thoughts: He's honest with me. He really loves me.
Or
You: I just want to date/have sex.
Her thoughts: He said that because all men are liars. He wants a deep relationship with lots of children.
Or
You: I just want to date/have sex.
Her thoughts: I can change him.
Or
You: I just want to date/have sex.
Her thoughts: He's an idiot and doesn't know what he wants. I will show him the benefits of a relationship.

The above does not apply to all women.


Locked profile
NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 20, 2009 - 08:02 AM (#50148)

Whutaguy seems to have covered all bases.


Locked profile
SgtMustache
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 20, 2009 - 08:36 AM (#50149)

First let's all presume that the initial reason for wanting to date someone is some physical attraction. That does NOT mean I'd want to keep/maintain a relationship; indeed, if I don't like the person, then the attraction tends to go away.

The other thing to think about is I may like someone after dating them, without having had sex with them. A completly non-sexual relationship is possible for me.

And yes, there are women I'm friends with that I'd still like to nail, but accept the general impossibility of such a thing.
Then again, someday I MIGHT be the Last Guy On Earth....
If a woman or man is doing active dating, there is the possibility of sex...unless one of the people is just an attention or dinner whore (either sex!).
Shit happens, and there's sexual, psychic or emotional vampires of one sort or another all over the place.


Locked profile
ThatJeff
Lover

Posts: 17

Registered:
Sep 2008
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 20, 2009 - 11:07 AM (#50153)

Perhaps he should just deal with women who are only in it for the "physical relationship" and want nothing serious. Granted, he'd have to pay up front and only be able to spend just a few minutes of time with her, but hey, he might come out cheaper in the long run. Plus, it'd probably help if he lived near Vegas.


Locked profile
jtallguy
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 20, 2009 - 01:02 PM (#50155)

Another possibility. Thoughts before sex:

You: "I'm only interested in dating"
Her: "It will be fun to hang out with this guy"

After sex;

You: "That was fun. It's nice to be with someone who just wants to date and not get serious"

Her: "Well, he asked me for sex, so obviously he's changed his mind and wants to get serious"


Locked profile
galaxygoddess
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Aug 2009
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, November 20, 2009 - 02:08 PM (#50157)
In Response to whutaguy (#50145):

in response to:

You: I just want to date/have sex.
Her thoughts: He's honest with me. He really loves me.
Or
You: I just want to date/have sex.
Her thoughts: He said that because all men are liars. He wants a deep relationship with lots of children.
Or
You: I just want to date/have sex.
Her thoughts: I can change him.
Or
You: I just want to date/have sex.
Her thoughts: He's an idiot and doesn't know what he wants. I will show him the benefits of a relationship.

The above does not apply to all women.

-------------------------------------

This does sum it up rather perfectly, but to clarify, women by nature are designed and "trained" to look behind the words. Even if there's not a damn thing to look behind. Your words have a hidden meaning she wants to find. Sadly, with some women, your attempts at trying to explain you have no hidden meaning, just means you're hiding it! Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Even if all you said was "pass the ketchup" this turns into a whole freaking analyzation. Yes, it makes no sense, but that's pretty much what we're born to do. Whether we like it or not. Hell, it drives me batty too. I have wanted to shake some women before. heh

So learn to live with it, and realize you're going to have to "dump" some of them. Not just hide and not call. There are women who will take you at your base statement, and hell be happy with it because they don't want a relationship either. It's the clingy ones you gotta be careful of. Lol. Good luck buddy.


Locked profile
AlternateAdvocate
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, November 21, 2009 - 03:11 AM (#50162)

When it comes right down to it, honestly saying what you're thinking is no protection against being "the bastard". Always remember, "If a man is alone in the woods with no women around, yes he IS still wrong." No matter what was said up front or who did what to/with whom the random person on the street is going to assume it's the guys fault. Just like this whole cartoon did. Hell you might have gone to a certified therapist who has told you that what you need to do is figure out how to "date" before you get into anything serious. And the random no nothing shmoe on the street is going to trot out the cliches. Might as well just embrace your internal bastard and do what's right for yourself. You're going to take the blame anyway so just relish it.


Locked profile
Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, November 22, 2009 - 04:01 AM (#50175)

After her divorce, a good friend of mine swore she was going to "just date" and not get serious -- she wasn't going to make THAT mistake again! Soon she met a guy and was going out with him on a steady basis ... and one day she mused, "Y'know, what might be ideal would be if we lived in adjacent apartments, so we could see each other whenever we wanted, but we could still have separate lives ..."

Three months later she was saying to me, "Dammit, if he doesn't propose to me by New Year's, I'm gonna KILL HIM!"

(They're coming up on their fifteenth anniversary.)

OP needs to read Dave Barry's classic essay on the difference between men's and women's ideas of a "relationship" -- Google for [Roger Elaine knight horse Doritos turkey Labrador retriever] ...

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows:

       Huh?


Locked profile
Mutt
Lover

Posts: 12

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: Why Doesn't She Understand? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, November 23, 2009 - 11:43 AM (#50191)

Another point would be that if you are exactly using the phrase:

"I'm only interested in dating"

Could have an entirely different meaning to you than to your dates. A few examples off the top of my head:

"I'm only interested in sex"
"I'm only interested in getting to know you but not ready for sex"
"I'm interested in holding a relationship with you and doing my best to see that we support each other"
"I'm only interested in hanging out"
"I'm interested in having someone to go to dinner and a movie and cuddle with without worrying too much about the long-term"

Any of those could fall under the category of "dating", and I know examples from my direct social life of anyone who falls under there.

You really would have to define what you mean by dating. Not all women are going to look for what you mean by a phrase, but using something that vague leaves a lot of space to try to read between.

I disagree that the problem is an honesty one, it's more of a miscommunication or failure to give a clear picture of what you mean. Don't be afraid to be a little specific.


Locked profile
D_Armand
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
Nov 2009
Duration matters (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, November 25, 2009 - 06:29 AM (#50209)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#50175):

Agreed in part, Murgatroyd.

While I can understand the reasons for wanting something that's "not serious", there is a question of how long this lasted. I have seen quite a few people who started out with no intention of having a serious relationship where it evolved into such. I would say that the time period involved is what would separate honest change in intentions from reading too much into what he said.

If this was 5 days after and she's expecting a ring? Obviously, her idea of "not serious" is a bit flawed.

If this was 10 months + down the road, and it's still continuing? I would agree with Murgatroyd that her expectation may be likely to have changed.

More information would be needed for a more thorough test between these two issues. If the OP seriously wants to keep long-term, non-serious relationships going, I'd recommend bi-monthly checkups. As in, making sure that the goals are still the same.

Personally, I'd think if it lasted longer than a few months, it'd be worth keeping and seeing the more serious potentials, but hey, I'm just a youngin' (22).


Locked profile
Threshold:  Locked
The Fine Print: The above comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
Hell, let's face it, we're not responsible for anything; including the things we say, do, or think. And if you sue us because you think we are? Well, we're not responsible for that either.

 





(C) 2005 Brad J. Guigar. All rights reserved. Use of content or images without the consent of the author is prohibited.