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POLL RESULTS: In the Stars...?: (10 comments)

POLL: In the Stars...?

Tuesday, December 08, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I dated an astronomy lover for a while. We've not been a couple for a little more than a year, but we're still friends. Emotionally, we've both moved on. . . although she's hinted she'd be open to getting back together (not interested--we make better friends).

While dating, she gave me a telescope for a birthday gift one year. She's an astronomy buff and I think she wanted to give me something we'd both use. Thing is, I'm not that into it, so it's been sitting in my closet this whole time. I know she doesn't have one of her own.

I'm considering giving it back to her, the premise being she'd actually use it. However, I'm afraid it'll hurt her feelings. I suppose I could sell it, but in my mind at least, it seems better to give it to someone who'd use it (her).

Your thoughts?

POLL: Should he give his ex-girlfriend the telescope?
 
73% (344) Yes. She'd appreciate it.
 
26% (122) No. It would hurt her feelings.
466 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 08, 2009 - 02:52 AM (#50426)

I think that you should give it back to her. Give a good explanation, especially the part about not being interested in astronomy (so it's going to someone who will appreciate and use it), but also that she'll make use of the wonderful gift. It's going to hurt her, but less than if you'd sold it and she asked you about it later. DO NOT give it to her as a birthday gift, though. Just find a nice time to bring it to her, so it isn't a re-gift.

The only thing that gives me pause is that it'll be something that "reminds me of us". :P I'm a poor judge of just how much of a dagger to the heart this is going to be. Good luck! ^_^


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 08, 2009 - 04:11 AM (#50427)

Whay don't you tell her what you just told us?

Or you could offer to lend it to her ... Since it was a birthday gift, you wouldn't want to break the rules by giving it away or giving it back, but an extended loan wouldn't break the rules, would it? Technically it would still be yours, you'd just be letting her use it. For the next 80 years or so.

A woman who loves astronomy ... *sigh*


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bknabe
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Posts: 8

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Dec 2008
Re: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 08, 2009 - 09:05 AM (#50436)

I agree 100%. Explain to her that you really appreciate the gift, but aren't into astronomy and that you'd like her to have it back because she will actually use it. I'm sure that she is already aware you're not really into stargazing, so this may also close the final door on your relationship. She may need that - if she's still hinting about getting back together she hasn't completely moved on. You holding onto the telescope when you don't have a use for it could be sending a message you don't intend.


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Lachesis
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Posts: 13

Registered:
Jul 2008
Re: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 08, 2009 - 09:11 AM (#50437)

speaking as a female, i think if you offer an honest yet diplomatic explanation, she probably wouldn't have a problem with having it back.

a nice telescope probably costs a fair amount. if you tell her that since the both of you are still friends, and you know that she doesn't have one of her own, you'd be much happier if she got the use of it, since this isn't a hobby that you can devote a lot of time to. (stress on your happiness that she has it, and lack of time/utility on your part.)

i'm betting she will be gracious in taking it off your hands.


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DanialArin
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Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, December 08, 2009 - 09:23 AM (#50438)

Along similar lines, you can make some lame excuse about needing space for something "temporarily" and ask if you can "store" it at her place... More likely that she'll see through it than the loan, but hopefully at least as likely she'll see the gesture behind it.

Alternatively, take it to her place for an evening of stargazing, fumble something, get her to fix it, and then say something like "maybe you'd better hang on to this; as much as I've forgotten I'm liable to break something." Again, lame excuse, but hopefully that's a positive in this case.

The idea is to find a way for it to come across as better off in her possession without it coming across as ungrateful to her for the original gift.


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Caffeine
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Posts: 46

Registered:
Feb 2009
Re: POLL: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, December 09, 2009 - 01:23 PM (#50443)

Everyone here can make an educated guess, but no one can tell you for sure how the woman will react. So - it's up tp you. Just do what you think is right. I like the way you think (from what you explain), I wouldn't think anything wrong with it, and I am a woman (but then, it wasn't me who gave you the telescope).


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pakopako
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Posts: 5

Registered:
Aug 2009
Re: POLL: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, December 09, 2009 - 05:44 PM (#50446)
In Response to Caffeine (#50443):

I'm not sure if would be a holiday "gift" more than a holiday "offering" - in the spirit of goodwill you would return the gift considering she doesn't have one of her own.

But, as I like to hedge, you may want to attach a card at the time or another gift down the line just to reinforce the point that it is a gift you think she could really enjoy using (moreso than yourself).

Hopefully the implications that you are being a good friend. (Semantics all around this post... sorry)


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, December 10, 2009 - 12:32 PM (#50453)
In Response to Stevarooni (#50426):

Steve (et al) sum it up nicely.

Yes - give it back.

No - don't re-gift it.

Yes - That includes birthdays AND holidays, which is probably why you're asking in December.


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asorvia
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Dec 2009
Re: POLL: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, December 13, 2009 - 10:26 PM (#50483)

if you give it back to her, she will most likely take it as an insult to her passion-she loves astronomy, and the clearest explanation of her love for you is to give you a gift which will allow you to share in the most beautiful, most fantastic thing she knows of. no, don't give it back, but ask her how to use her telescope if only a little to make her feel that she is appreciated and loved.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: In the Stars...? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, December 14, 2009 - 04:48 PM (#50489)
In Response to asorvia (#50483):

But, then he winds up stuck with something that he's trying to discard. And, it isn't as if he just got it.

Also, he didn't say that he's looking to get back together with her, so it isn't as if he needs to make her feel loved, just respected.

I'm not saying that her original sentiments are to be ignored. But, since the relationship isn't the same as when he received it, he should have the right to move on.


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