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POLL RESULTS: Indecision may or may not be his problem...: (16 comments)

POLL: Indecision may or may not be his problem...

Friday, December 18, 2009 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I am a 50-year-old male who still loves his junior high school sweetheart. She married someone else, but we have kept in contact off and on; at times I've been her lover. Two years ago, she got divorced. I thought this was our chance to be together. We began seeing each other, but she seemed to be holding back. Then she told me that she's not the person that I used to know. I felt we didn't have a true relationship because there were times when she just wasn't around. Eventually, I began a friendship with a new woman. But my sweetheart wanted me back, so now I am seeing both. My sweetheart gives me what I need in the bedroom. My new friend gives me what I want outside the bedroom. I am ashamed. My heart is still for my ex-sweetheart, while my head says that I should be with the new woman -- a good woman who is relationship-oriented like me.

POLL: You have to choose between two potential life partners. One is amazing sexually, but hard to live with. The other is wonderful to be in a relationship with, but lukewarm in the sack. Which do you choose?
 
3% (52) I'm a man and I say: The sexual tiger. Life will always be exciting.
 
53% (704) I'm a man and I say: The solid relationship. Bedroom skills can be taught.
 
0% (7) I'm a woman and I say: The sexual tiger. Life will always be exciting.
 
9% (124) I'm a woman and I say: The solid relationship. Bedroom skills can be taught.
 
32% (428) Neither. You need both in a partner
1315 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
CasualNotice
Lover

Posts: 49

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Jun 2008
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 12:41 AM (#50518)

Seriously, if you have no plans on breeding (at your age) and everyone involved is aware of (and okay with) the situation I see no problem with being with both women.

Of course your feelings of guilt and stated desire to be with your high school girlfriend suggest you've already made a decision between the two, but want someone to give you permission to hurt the other woman.

Permission granted. Feel free to be a jerk and let her know she was just filling in afternoons while your real girlfriend was away.


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Uriko
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Mar 2008
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 05:06 AM (#50519)

The big question is: Do any of them know they only have you part time? And how do they feel/will feel about that?
Having two is, in my opinion, being selfish if the other partners aren't aware and has agreed to it.

So now the real question is: What will you miss the most? The hot nights with your high school friend, or the daytime life with the other friend?


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 05:26 AM (#50520)

I don't suppose you could talk them into a threesome ...

(Hey, somebody had to say it!)


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

Posts: 64

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Jun 2008
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 06:43 AM (#50523)

If the new chica is everything you say she is, then she should be willing to work toward making your time together in the bedroom special. The fact that your old fling/sweetheart has 30+ years of knowledge of what works for you is a factor, but that experience can be gained with the new woman, too. If the new woman is a complete cold fish, that would be one thing, but you haven't said that; it sounds to me like you're ruminating on your old girlfriend's knowledge of your body, and unfairly stigmatizing the new woman because of it.


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D_Armand
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Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 08:47 AM (#50524)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#50520):

Murg! No, nobody had to say it.

It's one of those thoughts best kept to oneself.

As for the main scenario, the question is your true desires here. If it is the amazing sex you seem to be having with the ex-love of your life, then just admit you're after sex and be okay with it. If you're truly after more, you've admitted that the ex is different, and isn't up for the other stuff, so go for the woman who is after what you are.

It's merely a question of which head is more important to you.


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dirge93
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Oct 2008
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 08:59 AM (#50525)

You've been hung up on a girl for thirty odd years, in an on-off relationship.

Over half your life has been fixated on this? And this isn't a relationship. You're not married to her, so man up and move on.

Or keep doing what you're doing for another thirty odd years. Eventually one of you'll either grow up, finally move away, or die.


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ThatJeff
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Posts: 17

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Sep 2008
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 11:19 AM (#50526)
In Response to D_Armand (#50524):

Why not? Who is to say that a three-person relationship won't work? One of my kids' friends has a "two mommies, one daddy" family--they seem okay.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 12:57 PM (#50527)
In Response to D_Armand (#50524):

Actually, Murg is right. In this forum, somebody, somewhere just had to say it. ;P

More seriously though, I feel that the most important part of the original post is this:

-"I felt we didn't have a true relationship because there were times when she just wasn't around."-

and this:

-"Eventually, I began a friendship with a new woman. But my sweetheart wanted me back,..."-

So, I have my usual series of insensitive questions, just for you, OP. Are you ready?

- In your 50 years of life, while having this on/off relationship with Ms. Sweetheart, did you ever marry anyone? I'm asking to know how you've handled it.

- Or did you just lay in wait for Ms. Sweetheart your entire life, while she kept you on the hook for 37 years?!!

- Did you ever ask yourself why, in all that time, she was unwilling to make the big commitment to you and leave her husband?

- Did you even ask yourself why she preferred to keep her distance after leaving her husband, instead of committing to the one she knows will *always* be there?

- Now that she says she wants you back, did you ask yourself for how long? Did you ask her??

- Okay. So she gives you what you need in the sack. Is it at all possible that your hang-ups with this girl are what's holding back your relationship with the new girlfriend?

- How open are you with the new woman?

- Is Ms. Sweetheart your first? Why can't you let her go?

On a personal note (And this is, I believe, the first time that I'm telling this story. I haven't even told my wife.) -

When I was out of high school, I was fairly hung up on a girl for several years. Like you, I was waiting for our chance.

My friends told me that I was just her "d!@k in a glass", and that I should learn to move on. So, I eventually did.

I moved in with my wife (then girlfriend). And, one morning I get a call.

"...I have feelings for you..."

"...things aren't working out with (insert name here)..."

and,

"Would you ever consider leaving (wife) for me?"
.
.
.
.
.

A hypothetical... Not even a true declaration of love, just a show of vulnerability and need.

I knew that she had been in the same situation she was asking of me. And on both sides of the equation. So, for me, I didn't really see the end result as an unknown variable, when the precedent had already been set.

I told her that my current relationship deserved a fair chance to see where it would lead. She changed her number, and that was the last I have ever heard of her.

My 11th anniversary is just around the corner. I think that I made the right choice.

Now, what do you think that you should do?


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galaxygoddess
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Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 01:30 PM (#50528)

I have to go with "both in a partner". As a "sexual tiger" myself, I can tell you, even the most sexually active (even addicted) person can at times get bored with sex. Using the same position too much, miss timed sexual urges (you're hot, she's not, or vice versa) things can on occassion get stale and put on the side burner for a bit. Then what do you have? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING and you sit there thinking, "dear god why did I think this was a good idea?" that explains my last relationship entirely. This time I went with someone who I connected with mentally and emotionally first, and the sex came later. That being said, if the sex wasn't satisfying, the mental part would drive me insane.

There's no point in connecting with just one or the other. If you can't see a relationship with someone in both a "lights on" AND a "lights off" kind of way, you're just missing half the fun, and you're stuck with two people, or no one at all. And I'm telling ya, holidays get confusing when you're rocking two boats.

Your "ex-flame" doesn't seem that into you. Maybe she doesn't see you as intellectually stimulating either. That can't work, because then she can easily get as bored of you as you could get of her. Same goes with the one you connect with mentally, the brain gets tired after awhile and just wants some hot lovin', and if you're not willing to do both, once again, you're SoL.

Find a happy balance, either in one of them, or someone else entirely.


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Caffeine
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Feb 2009
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 01:59 PM (#50529)

Uhm... seriously, the "sweetheart" is not speaking to your HEART... *rofl*.

If you can't decide, then maybe neither of them is the right one for you?


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Azerik
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Posts: 35

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Apr 2009
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 02:39 PM (#50531)

Go with the one that fills the relationship.

If the "sweetheart" cheated on him with you, then she will cheat on you with someone else. If that is ok with you, then go with her.

If you connect properly on an emotional level, then the sex will follow.


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Wbird
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Dec 2009
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, December 18, 2009 - 05:54 PM (#50532)

It sounds to me that you have always been the sweethearts second choice. She only really wants you now because you have stopped chasing after her exclusively and her ego is hurt. Go with the new woman and forget about the sweetheart if you choose her she will continue to put you second when you put her first again.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, December 19, 2009 - 06:43 AM (#50551)

There are some words of true wisdom in this thread:

If the "sweetheart" cheated on him with you, then she will cheat on you with someone else.

(Which I believe was one of Jes' points, too.)

My first wife cheated on me with her boss, and eventually married him. My second wife and I love each other and are better suited to each other; my ex's husband is married to a woman who is willing to cheat on her husband. I have no regrets, other than lost time.

Do you use the word "love" with either of these women? Do they use it with you?

It sounds to me that you have always been the sweethearts second choice. She only really wants you now because you have stopped chasing after her exclusively and her ego is hurt. Go with the new woman and forget about the sweetheart if you choose her she will continue to put you second when you put her first again.

Your high school sweetheart could have had you if she wanted you -- she didn't. She's deliberately keeping her emotional distance; the only relationship she wants with you is a physical one.

She's using you. You're a convenience to her. An appliance.

And guess what? If you and your old flame are fifty, the physical relationship almost certainly won't get any better in the next decade or two. If you decide to concentrate on her you'll eventually be left alone, one way or another.


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D_Armand
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Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, December 19, 2009 - 08:53 AM (#50553)
In Response to ThatJeff (#50526):

I don't think Murg was recommending a relationship. Just sayin', correct me if I'm wrong Murg.

And... blah. I guess that's true, someone would have to say it. I just didn't think this situation would be one where it'd work....


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DanialArin
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Apr 2009
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, December 20, 2009 - 09:09 AM (#50570)

To add to what Murgatroyd said, see "The Big Bang Theory" episodes 1.5, 2.16 and 2.21.

Relationships centered around sex and nothing else tend to dissolve a little too easily. Especially if one partner has a tendency toward bed-hopping.

Relationships based around companionship have a better tendency to last longer, even if it's not so hot in the bedroom.

We don't know the details of Miss School Sweetie's divorce, mainly because you haven't told us. But if all your relationship consists of now is sex, a rocking bed by itself is an unsteady foundation to build a monument on.


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TheOriginalJes
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Jan 2008
Re: Indecision may or may not be his problem... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, December 21, 2009 - 09:55 AM (#50588)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#50551):

-"She's deliberately keeping her emotional distance; the only relationship she wants with you is a physical one."-

I would have to slightly disagree. The relationship she wants is very emotional. It's also very one-sided. You're next point being the vehicle.

-"She's using you. You're a convenience to her. An appliance."-

He's not a tool for physical pleasure, but rather an emotional tool that she uses to screw (no pun intended) her confidence back into place, so that she can find her "real man".

The sad irony of this situation is that the OP is probably a decent guy. Aside from an affair with a married woman, he's obviously patient and not afraid of a long-term commitment. He's just not man enough.


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