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POLL RESULTS: Like a Brother To Her: (16 comments)

POLL: Like a Brother To Her

Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I am a 25-year-old man, and I have always been single. I do have girlfriends, but to them, I am always "the brother they never had" -- which results in some awkward moments. I know I am not one to look at, but I'm a funny guy with a heart of gold -- the kind of guy that would get up in the middle of the night to help my friend out, if needed. I always hear that this is what women like in a man, but for some reason I always tend to be just the friend. What should I do?

POLL: Once a woman tells you that she feels as if you're her brother, you're done. Finished. Walk away. You're not getting anywhere with her. Ever.
 
71% (707) I'm a man and I say True
 
12% (124) I'm a man and I say False
 
9% (97) I'm a woman and I say True
 
6% (61) I'm a woman and I say False
989 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
hightechartist
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Posts: 9

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Mar 2008
Re: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 12:42 AM (#50737)

Mostly true. Once she says you're like a brother to her, your chances of getting anywhere romantically with her drop to 1.7%
If you are gonna stick around, do it to be her friend.

As to how to attract a girl, it is still a mystery to me, and I have girls fighting over me quite a bit. The weirdest thing is that most of the girls that I've had long relationships with have hated my guts at first, and I don't know why that is either. I always just shrug that kind of stuff off, and then out of the blue THEY start hitting on me. Go figure.


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Amanda
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Re: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 03:23 AM (#50740)

Well, have you tried asking your girl friends for help? Coming on just a little bit stronger when you meet a girl you're interested in so she knows immediately that you're attracted to her and don't want the friend zone? Not being a huge doormat doing whatever your friends "need" you to do? Not acting like a brother? I'll admit, girls are definitely swayed more by looks when it comes to dating someone, but if you truly are a good person and you're not being hindered by that same drive for physical attraction, I'm sure you'll eventually find someone. Your friends probably won't want to lose you as a friend by making things complicated with a relationship, but maybe they have single friends that they can hook you up with. Or maybe you just need to be a bit more open. Idk... Good luck to you.


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Photonic_Dan
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 09:33 AM (#50745)

"I always hear that this is what women like in a man"

What women say they want and what they attracted to in a man are total opposites. That doesn't mean you can't be nice to women but you have to be a challenge. Don't agree to everything or go out of your way for them.


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JB_Chrome
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 09:34 AM (#50746)

If this has happened to you multiple times, I'm sorry to say this, but the problem is indeed YOU, at your most basic level of "YOU". The friendships you will make with be deep and enduring, but there isn't much you can do to make it something more. Try not to give-up hope.


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ThatJeff
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 10:40 AM (#50749)

Well, if the "internets" hold any truth to this matter, I'd say you need to start acting like a total jerk sometimes. It always seems like the jerks have the girls.

If you have all these girlfriends that think of you like a brother, have you ever asked them for advice to get a girl?

And not to be nasty or anything, but is it possible you might be gay? Maybe you're throwing off the "I'm a closet homosexual" vibe which would make all these girls you talk about see you as harmless. Just saying....


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NunyaBidness
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Apr 2008
Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 11:00 AM (#50750)

For purposes of this discussion, there are two kinds of women. The first kind thinks of sex as something sinful and improper, and therefore can't do it with a friend, only with a jerk. They seek remorse by agonizing to their "Friend" men about how awful it is, but they secretly enjoy it and go back for more. One type of man helps them with this problem by screwing them and treating them like trash--exactly what they crave. The other type helps them deal with the angst they love almost as much.

This is the type of girl you have as friends.

You will never get anywhere, because they have created a division in their minds between friendship and sex. It's unhealthy and destructive, but they really do enjoy it, because they keep doing it. Just as you're not the kind of guy they want to screw, they're not the kind of girl you want to. Really.

The other kind is a mature woman who realizes that a friend can also be a lover, and is willing to take the risk that it might not work out, for the potential benefit of a great relationship.

This is the type of woman you should be seeking.

Of course, as a compassionate type, you'll keep being friends with these losers who are going nowhere, and eventually you'll recognize them for that. But, they do need friends and they will eventually grow out of it (usually). So be there for them, help them mature, and meantime, find a real woman. And who knows? One of them may grow up.

Proviso: This is not to say that every woman who is your friend should want to date you. However, a statistical percentage should.

And for everyone who wants to argue with me about this: You're wrong.:)


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artemis3
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 11:34 AM (#50751)

Been there, done that. I used to have what friends callled my "harem." I had lunch dates and dinner dates with multiple women several days a week, but they all wanted to be my friend, not date me. My advice:

1) Be patient.

2) Keep your eyes open for subtle hints in a change in "friend/brother" status. I missed one of those from someone I really liked and felt like an idiot when I finally figured it out (years later). She was coming around to wanting to date me, but was unsure if I wanted the same thing still after a long time being friends. I was too dense to pick up on the signals.

3) Don't be afraid to fight for someone special. I was the doormat for years. When I met the woman I would finally marry (16+ years and going strong) I realized I didn't want to be the passive wimp I usually ended up being. When she was dating someone else, rather than my usual mode of being a supportive friend whom she could talk to about all her boyfriend problems and get advice about how to make things better, I would listen as usual, but then tell her that she should dump the loser and consider dating somebody nice instead - namely me.


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StormFire
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 12:15 PM (#50752)

Obliviousness and habit may be part of the problem. I'm a 35 year old woman who winds up in the same situation. All of my friends are male (have been all my life), and I never seemed to get any interest from anyone for more than friendship.

I have since found out that the interest was there, but I wasn't seeing the signs because I was so used to thinking of them as my friends. Even new people that I met didn't show up on my radar as being interested in me, because everything I saw was through the "Guys are friends, they don't see me as anything else" lenses.

It took having someone determined enough to break himself out of the friend-zone to be able to get through to me, and even with him, it was our third date before I realized it was a DATE, and not just a couple of friends heading out to dinner.

So... Not hopeless, and may not be permanent.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 12:37 PM (#50753)

I'm going to be rude, assumptive, chauvinistic, and my usual self here, and say that I know exactly what your problem is,OP...

...You aren't the center of your own world!!

Like most of the guys here, I've been there and done that. And just about everything that's been said by the guys here is true, from a certain perspective. As to why, there are a lot of subtleties that I'm not going to go into, for brevity.

Just like the cartoon says, women want to be the center of attention. (Let's face it. It's not just women, it's any Alpha, male or female.) What it doesn't explain is why a woman is done with you once she's achieved that goal. It's not in the having, it's in the getting.

Chasing attention is, for all intents and purposes, just like drug-seeking. The effort involved in working towards that goal makes the emotional payoff quite addicting.

That's why the "aloof bastard" gets all of the attention from girls. They talk to them, joke with them, and couldn't care less what happens to them after he gets what he wants. And, if he isn't going to get what he wants from a particular girl; he doesn't chase her as if she's a prize. He just goes and talks to another girl.

But, it isn't the talking that gets her attention in the first place. In college, for some strange reason, I watched girls watch guys. It's an incredible thing to watch. They're excellent pack hunters.

And, you may think that the girl you're approaching on the street is ignoring you. In reality, she spotted you at about twice the distance in which you saw her. And, she was watching you until you got to within your own staring radius. From there, she watched you peripherally; sneering about you once you felt comfortable enough to check out her butt.

What does this mean to you? Well, I'll tell you. They're watching you. All the time, they're watching YOU! You just have to know what she's looking for in a guy. Not, what she thinks she's looking for.

She's looking for someone who's getting a lot of attention. Someone who's happy, self-confident, and not brooding or moping. Unless you're one of the few guys who can make that look sexy. But, they're like 1 in 75. If you're getting more attention than she is, by guys *and* girls, then she'll want to be right there with you.

The best way for you to get the attention of a girl you like is to get up there and say hi. Introduce yourself and make friends with her friends. Have a good time for a few minutes, and let that be your goal for the evening. You may stumble across something you can work with. And, if you're the nice guy you claim to be, she may just chase you for a bit.

Don't ask your girlfriends for help, because they just can't do it.

Remember, starting off the evening looking for more than a good night out is your best bet for happening across a relationship. If you're just looking for a one-night stand, then just lower your standards in a girl; because, at that point, you're probably not ready for a "keeper"


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 12:48 PM (#50754)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#50753):

Oh yeah...and flirt from the start. You have to set the tone from the beginning, or you'll just be stuck in the same trap.

It's playtime, not group therapy.


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Murgatroyd
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Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 03:52 PM (#50756)

I used to be that way ... not as extreme as the Original Poster, but close. I had some great platonic friendships with women but for years it was difficult to find women who were interested in dating. Then I finally got engaged ...

Hoo boy! You've heard of "gaydar"? Women seem to have "guydar" -- they seem to know when a guy is taken, and that instantly makes him interesting and desirable. I suddenly found that smart, attractive women were flirting with me, and in three or four cases openly hitting on me. (One of them was one of my platonic friends. Dammit.) And it wasn't my imagination, other people noticed and commented.

Maybe it's a case of "someone else wants him, so he must be desirable," maybe disinterest on the guy's part makes him a challenge, maybe disinterest triggers feelings of "am I not good enough?" insecurity in women that make them work it harder, or maybe they can sense confidence (or a lack of desperation!) in the guy ... but it's real.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

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Jun 2008
Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 11:05 PM (#50763)
In Response to JB_Chrome (#50746):

:o
[...]the problem is indeed YOU, at your most basic level of "YOU"
Yikes! Well, that's blunt, but to a degree, fair. I mean, if all of your relationships go the same way and the women you've been around aren't cookie-cutter copies of the same person, you've got to look at the constant in the equation and worry about how to change it. Maybe you can ask them, but you can't trust their answers. Not (necessarily) because they'll lie to you, but because what they consciously perceive won't always be how they feel. Yeah, you're going to get a lot of vague answers, but the gist of it is that you're going to have to change your approach. A very important bit, though, is that nice guys don't finish last, doormats do. Being kind is a good thing, but giving 110% to everyone you meet makes people take your efforts for granted, and then they just get bitter when you don't bend over backwards for them again. Be nice, but there should be boundaries.
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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, January 06, 2010 - 11:10 PM (#50764)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#50756):

Oy. Yeah, the Catch-22 of the dating scene. If you don't have someone, it's easy to give off the "loner/loser" vibe. When you have someone, the confidence and nonchalance it instills in you will be highly visible. :P


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Uriko
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Mar 2008
Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, January 07, 2010 - 11:42 AM (#50778)

So, I think I will take it all and look at it from another angle.
I'm a woman who has experienced the problem of having male friends who wanted more than I would, multiple times. If a guy started out as a friend, it can be really hard to picture him as anything else. It's not that he's unatractive or the like, but that's just how it is.

My current partner was nothing but a friend to me in the beginning. I hadn't known him for long, but it was his actions and how he talked to me that eventually made him more than a friend. He showed me a great deal of attention and acted like a gentleman and I started to understand that he liked me.

So, before just going for the "I may be gay", "something's wrong with me" bla, bla, bla, think about how you act along with the girls you're trying to get the attention of. If a girl can't read the signals that you aren't looking for a friend, a friend is what you're going to get.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, January 07, 2010 - 05:41 PM (#50787)

Oy. Yeah, the Catch-22 of the dating scene. If you don't have someone, it's easy to give off the "loner/loser" vibe. When you have someone, the confidence and nonchalance it instills in you will be highly visible. :P

Heh. I propose that Original Poster conduct an experiment ... purely in the spirit of scientific inquiry, mind you. Is it possible to successfully simulate confidence and nonchalance?

He should persuade one of his attractive, unmarried platonic girlfriends -- or better yet, two or three of them -- to accompany him into some social situations and then treat him like he has ten inches and twenty million bucks. He should behave that way, too, acting like the guy in the Carly Simon song "You're So Vain." [latimes.com] Would other women pick up on this and start hitting on him? Or, who knows ... would his platonic girlfriends start to see him in a new light?

Do it, man! It's for Science!


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CanadianLumberjack
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Re: POLL: Like a Brother To Her (Score: 1)
posted Friday, January 08, 2010 - 11:31 PM (#50809)

I've been in your shoes more times than I'd like to remember. Im 25, a "nice guy", 6'1'' and well over 200 pounds so its kind of easy to see where women like me to be a "big brother". But there's a way to play this to your advantage that's good for you and you can still be a gentleman about it.

1st point, a woman friend can be the best wingman you'll ever have. If she knows and trusts you, the next time you meet a friend of hers you like start acting interested right away (2nd point - you have to act interested since the very beginning). Your friend can assure her friend you're a great guy (3rd point - hearing that from someone they trust works wonders on fellow women). 4th point - (women stereotype warning*) your friend more than likely will love the idea of playing match-maker so she's more likely to make it work.

This has helped me meet many more lady friends than I could ever hope to alone (or with male friends) while not having to do anything sleazy like acting like a jerk, etc.

Hope this helps!

BTW, on a side note, the thing about being "willing to help anytime" kind of turns to b.s. if you never get the opportunity to show it. Especially if someone has done a favor for you, and while you're willing to help them with whatever, if you never do (or get the chance to) then you'll of never repaid the favor and that looks bad. I used to say something similar to that but ever since I stopped saying it and started working on being a better friend my friendships have become ever more rewarding.


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