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POLL RESULTS: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)": (30 comments)
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POLL: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)"

Friday, February 05, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: My boyfriend wants me to make a porn film with him. I'm thinking of doing it for him as a Valentine's Day treat as long as he gives me the tape. Am I crazy?

POLL: Making a porn with your partner is a great idea...
 
33% (735) I'm a man, and I say, "Yes!"
 
52% (1154) I'm a man, and I say, "No!"
 
5% (125) I'm a woman, and I say, "Yes!"
 
8% (192) I'm a woman, and I say, "No!"
2206 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 02:23 AM (#53120)

Your boyfriend? At best...great turn-on, I'm sure. Wonderful fun. But the worst...and since you say "boyfriend" instead of "husband" I'm much more cautious...is pretty terrible. It's a permanent record of an intimate moment that has the potential to be lost (or "lost") and expose your intimate moment in ways you can't even imagine now. If you're fine with that, go for it. Otherwise...I admit that I'm a coward when it comes to risking intimacy, but I still think that it's a baaad idea.


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Azerik
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Posts: 35

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Apr 2009
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 02:34 AM (#53121)

If you put it on tape, or memory card, or hard drive or whatever, it *will* wind up on the internet at some point.

The point of making one of these (from a guy's perspective and that is the relevant one here) is to be able to watch it. That means he will have custody of the tape at some point. Likely he will transfer it to his computer so he has ready access to it. At that point you don't know where it will wind up. Has he done this with previous girlfriends? Does he have a "collection" somewhere?

If you break up at some point you have to rely on his word that he has given you the only copy. if it is a bad breakup... Even if you stay together for the rest of your lives, do you want your kids to find it in the attic someday? How curious is that best friend (of yours or his) that you let crash on the couch for a couple days? How about the friend that is helping you move to your new apartment/house? Do you know anyone that would think it's funny to post something like that?

These are nightmare situations I know, but the only way to make absolutely certain that you don't wind up with your sex tape on the internet is to never make it in the first place.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 05:02 AM (#53137)

Yup, you're crazy.

To get an idea of how crazy you are, Google "naked ex-girlfriend" (with or without quotes) with SafeSearch turned off. Then remind yourself that damned few of those women ever expected to have thousands of people around the world watching their antics.


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lwj2
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Posts: 33

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Feb 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 07:01 AM (#53158)

It's likely to wind up on-line and someone will let your boss know.

Unless you're self-employed and plan to stay that way, it's a career-ender.

OTOH, it may well be a career-maker if you want to be a porn star.


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Serpentis
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Posts: 1

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Feb 2010
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 07:08 AM (#53160)

This is easily one of the most terrible ideas concocted in a typical relationship. The others are right: if this gets done, that's it. No going back and it's sure as hell going to end up somewhere they don't want it to be.

Not to mention, the entire 'show' is entirely depressing. I feel the need to show this off as well, as it makes a LOT of sense.

http://www.cracked.com/article_18392_6-reasons-hom emade-porn-worse-idea-than-you-think.html


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rickssg
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Feb 2010
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 07:28 AM (#53164)

As has been mentioned, the only reason to make a sex tape is to watch it later. This means that your boyfriend will be able to watch the tape and get off without you having to be around. He won't really need you anymore.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

Posts: 64

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Jun 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 07:34 AM (#53166)
In Response to rickssg (#53164):

OK, that's succinct but...way out there. Otherwise guys would never want girlfriends for sex. :-) The Internet is paved with (freely available) porn of women who most likely are more physically attractive than the girlfriend, doing things the girlfriend wouldn't even consider on a dare.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

Posts: 64

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Jun 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 07:35 AM (#53167)
In Response to rickssg (#53164):

OK, that's succinct but...way out there. Otherwise guys would never want girlfriends for sex. The Internet is paved with (freely available) porn of women who most likely are more physically attractive than the girlfriend, doing things the girlfriend wouldn't even consider on a dare.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

Posts: 64

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Jun 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 07:36 AM (#53168)
In Response to rickssg (#53164):

OK, that's succinct but...way out there. Otherwise guys would never want girlfriends for sex. The Internet is paved with (freely available) videos and pictures of women who most likely are more physically attractive than the girlfriend, doing things the girlfriend wouldn't even consider on a dare.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 09:00 AM (#53178)

It's funny how all of those men who voted yes to "great idea" don't comment on it.

I'm pretty much in agreement with all of the above. The rest is just why.

First, you have to understand that this is a form of exhibitionism.

I don't believe in recording something if you don't want others to see it. So, I believe that if he's pushing to get you to do it, (assuming that he'll honor your right to privacy) it's only a matter of time before he pushes to let him show it. Or worse, expect forgiveness after the fact.

You say that you may do it, if he lets you keep it. Why do you think that he'd let you do that? I certainly wouldn't want to ask for permission to view my own homemade porn. Nor would I want a potential ex-girlfriend possibly showing up to use it to scare away my potential new girlfriends.

And, like everyone else is saying, he only needs it if he wants to use it later.

-[scene: your wedding, 18 months from now. The best man has a surprise video montage to show you and your new husband. And, even though it's rated PG-13, there are clips in there that you know could have only come from one place...] -

When I do something in bed that I want to re-live, I go do it again. Which is really easy to accomplish if I'm still with the person who did it with me the last time. So, you have to ask yourself what he needs it recorded for.

Also, when you do argue, is he the kind of guy that fights fair? Even married couples have problems with this. Sure, not all of them, but enough of them. Factor in the divorce rate, and you had better be really sure before you give it a go.

But...this is all assuming a level of maturity and expectations that may not be the case. It is your primary reservations that make me say no. The couples that do make it work seem very happy. But, you also have to realize that we can only prove that these people exist because they show people the tapes.

If you were all for it, I'd say post a link here for the rest of us. I'm sure many of us would be happy to give you our unbiased critique.


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zmortis
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Posts: 76

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Jun 2009
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 10:40 AM (#53185)

Since I was challenged by the previous post as a man saying yes to the idea, but being afraid to "defend" my decision I will make these points:

1. Most people who think that something like that will not get out are mistaken. However, many women have used the "acidental" release of a sex tape to further their ambitions and reputation. (Pam Anderson, Paris Hilton, etc.)

2. Not only should you make sure to keep the media, you should make sure that it is shot in a way as to emphasize your positive aspects while highlighting your boyfriend's negative ones. This means make sure any unflatering angles are his as well as any demeaning acts. This will discourage him from wanting to distribute it in the event of a break-up.

3. I also recommend a pre-emptive strike on releasing the tape. If you are young and good looking enough to warrant being featured in a sex-tape, then keep the distribution rights, and make a buck off of it. Later in life it can be excused as a silly act committed as a youthfull indiscretion without really hurting your reputation (Vannessa Williams comes to mind).

4. People need to lighten-up some more about nudity and sex. I don't understand how some people can chuckle away at movies where people are hurt or violently killed, yet at the next minute go all prudish about people enjoying their bodies through sexual expression.

5. Finally if you do make a sex video make sure I can find out where to get a copy.

I hope this helps.

p.s. Yes number five is intended to be a humorous parody of how many women perceive guys to be self centered scumbags.


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zgwortz
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Posts: 4

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Apr 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 10:57 AM (#53187)

Here's my take:

First, there's a reasonable chance that your boyfriend will keep a copy of the tape in some format. It's *very* difficult for a guy to resist doing that. So if you're uncomfortable at all with him having a copy of that tape, don't do it, period.

(And if you are comfortable with the idea, give him a copy so he doesn't do it behind your back. Show him you trust him - because if you don't, what are you doing in a relationship with him anyway?)

That said, if you trust him enough to keep a copy of the tape, and he's a relatively nice guy, then I believe the odds are he *won't* be posting said tape on the internet. There's a *lot* of videotape out there of guys with their ex-girlfriends. Only a tiny percentage of it actually appears on the internet. Still, it's a risk you take.

On the other hand, while he might not post it on the internet, it's not unusual for tapes like that to end up being shown to one or more close friends. You probably won't ever know that happened, but if the thought disturbs you, you may want to skip recording the thing in the first place.

As far as those comments about worrying about your boss seeing it -- unless you're working in politics, religion, or in a job working with minors, like a teacher, your boss probably won't care.


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bratjen
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Posts: 1

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Feb 2010
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 11:04 AM (#53189)

Okay, as one of the girls to say yes, I just wanted to share my thoughts.

I'm prefacing this with the assumption that this is a serious relationship with a guy you trust. If that assumption is false, then my opinion doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Most of us girls have some body issues. The reason that most women would reject this idea isn't the mass distribution, it's the fact that they won't like what they look like. The most freeing experience I have had in my life is to take some x rated photos of myself and remove all identifying things and post them online in a home-grown type forum. The positive responses I got from those photos really changed the way I viewed my body! Suddenly that bit of a lovehandle that I'm so hung up on was described as part of the "sexiest curves ever!" That belly I hide from having children suddenly became proof of my "softness & seductive volumpuousness!" I had never thought of my elbows or feet or knees in the ways described.

I totally support doing a video with your significant other with a ton of communication. He can show you the views he finds you so stunning in. And then you can grab the camera and point out to him that fabulous back or behind. It's a great way to expand your view of yourself.


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Kyle_Voltti
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Posts: 11

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Jan 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 12:11 PM (#53193)
In Response to bratjen (#53189):

ok I'm a guy and I say not a good idea. If it was Husband and not boyfriend then ok it's a bit of a better idea. but not only is there the chance that the film could find it's way onto the net, there's also the question of "do you really want to see yourself doing that from certian angles?"

Porn is not makeing love, or even sex. it's a fantasy view of sex and there are positions that they use that don't feel good but look good on camera.

There was a recent episode of Cougar town where the married couple film themselves having sex. when they watch it they decide that it's not nearly as errotic as they would have hoped.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 01:15 PM (#53200)
In Response to zmortis (#53185):

Umm...it sort of reads like you're saying that she should do it. But, only if she can use it as a weapon or financial tool.

As to your point #4 - "Ohh...Steven Seagal just broke that dude's arm! Now stick your big fatty in my..."

Nope. The two just don't correlate. There's an understanding that a professionally produced action film is fake. But, the sex in a porno is very real.

#5 - Parody? Why? Just don't see the point.

By the way, thanks for accepting the challenge.

@ zgwortz - [I'm just putting the whole workplace issue under a microscope, here.]

If she could say for sure that the tape would be released; is it worth the risk to assume that her boss in liberal enough to not can her on the spot? Or, even worse, make her life an embarrassing hell?

A lot of companies are firing people, lately. They're getting fired for facebook posts, and/or pictures/statements that may somehow remotely represent the company in a negative light. If there's a chance that it can get around the office, like through a trusted co-worker, she could be painting a target on herself. Don't give them an excuse, I say.


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Sleddog
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Feb 2009
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 02:08 PM (#53203)

Unless you are ready to be seen "do it" online this is a truly bad idea. Even if your boyfriend is the soul of discretion things happen - just ask Pam Anderson or Paris Hilton. In Anderson's case at least on tape was stolen from her home and then offered for sale... and the courts did nothing to stop it, setting a precedent.


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Azerik
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Posts: 35

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 02:22 PM (#53204)

American society is burdened with puritanical roots. A lot of the odd twists of character in the USA can be traced back to the ideas that the puritans brought over with them.

Is filming yourself having sex with your significant other an inherently bad thing? No, there is nothing wrong with it in itself.

Should what you do on your own time be held against you? No, it should be your time to do with as you please.

Should you get fired for those activities? No, but when those activities rub up against the puritanical undercurrent in American culture, you will probably get fired anyway.

I am sure there are plenty of sex tapes that get made, giggled at, re-humped about, and then erased. If you can't laugh at yourselves during sex, then you really need to do some relationship work. The odds are in favor of the "tape" never really seeing the light of day again.

The problem is maturity. If you make a tape at 20 or 22 or something, you will probably not have a problem with it. Fast forward 20+ years and a few kids and you will likely feel differently. How many people out there have old pictures of themselves in some bygone fashion that they are horribly embarrassed about now? Will you really think humping on film is as good an idea at 42 as you did at 22?

Ultimately he wants to make the tape as some combination of spank material or trophy. If it's leaning toward trophy, then it *will* get shown to someone.


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ErikTheRed
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Jan 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 03:48 PM (#53210)

Probably a bad idea, but we don't know nearly enough about you or your relationship to really know. But knowing nothing, the odds are pretty heavily into in the "bad idea" column.

As has been mentioned before, the odds are high that it will eventually wind up on Redtube or someplace like that. The odds are almost 100% that he'll manage to get and keep a copy.

On the slightly more optimistic side, there are so many sex tapes out there right now (amateur and pro) that there's a decent chance that if yours did find its way to the Internet nobody will ever find it - it will be lost in the growing deluge.

In my opinion it's one of those things that shouldn't be a big deal (just about everyone has sex), but as a culture we've just decided to jump up and down and point at it anyway. Plus it's so much more fun to do than to watch...

The only exception might be if you were doing something especially memorable, interesting, and yet unlikely to ever repeat (in front of Old Faithful with your orgasm timed to the eruption or something).


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Snobahr
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Posts: 15

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Jan 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 05, 2010 - 05:22 PM (#53218)

I'm a woman that voted No. These are the questions that need answering, before I would consider saying Yes.

What guarantee that it will be put to TAPE, as opposed to digital media (CD/DVD/memory card/etc.)?

Is your boyfriend the sort of guy who might email it off to his buds?

Are you prepared to have your parents/siblings/cousins/extended family stumble across your bedroom antics online?

Are you prepared to view this film 20 years from now?

Are you willing to brace yourself for the question from your children/neices/nephews/new friends about "that video I found by googling your name!" ?

Stuff to think about.

Also, have you been hesitant to make this film in the past, but are now changing your mind? What has changed your mind, aside from V-day? What was keeping you from saying yes, before? Are those reasons still valid?


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 06, 2010 - 02:08 AM (#53269)

Another cautionary example: Google "John Edwards sex video" ... Edwards and his girlfriend didn't think anyone would ever find it.

Not only should you make sure to keep the media, you should make sure that it is shot in a way as to emphasize your positive aspects while highlighting your boyfriend's negative ones. This means make sure any unflatering angles are his as well as any demeaning acts.

Gary Shandling had a line about too many government regulations ... He bought a mirror for the ceiling of his bedroom, but the Feds put a sticker on it that said:

WARNING: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE SMALLER THAN THEY APPEAR.


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CarlosCM
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Apr 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 06, 2010 - 07:48 AM (#53306)

First, I'm a man who answered "no".

Secondly, I do enjoy porn, as I'm sure most men do and true "amateur" porn is often as good (or better) than the pro stuff.

Thirdly, I can understand the intimacy connection of making an amateur tape (it could still be erotica, doesn't necessarily need to be porn) with a partner, as well as the kick of exhibitionism. Not my thing, but I understand it.

Which all leads to... what everyone is saying, this tape will, most probably, end up on the internet.

But! If you still wish to make it, make sure of two things:
* never to have you head on the shot (or if you do, make sure it's edited afterwords and the original is deleted) and
* don't wear jewelry/clothes which can make you recognizable.

By following this, even if you know it is you on the tape that is the new next best thing on the interporn, no one else will know it is you. And you can make the tape without much worries.


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DanialArin
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Posts: 92

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Apr 2009
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 06, 2010 - 10:22 AM (#53322)

@zmortis: It still cost Vanessa Williams her crown. And far more women are hurt by them than helped by them; Pam Anderson and Paris Hilton were both already famous for how they looked in a low-cut dress.

@zgwortz: If the boss sees it, he will care. There's often at least one clown in any office who should have been canned for sexual harassment but wasn't, who will inevitably find it and make sure everyone there gets to see it. In the end, it could cost her her job, possibly her career in pretty much any field except freelance or contract-per-project "visual arts". Many employers now do online searches for prospective hires, and a number of people have been burned by their blogs. The sci-fi convention in my area had a burlesque performance last year, with a strict no cameras rule for the audience except the troupe's own photographer; photos or videos getting out would have been career-enders for many of the participants.

@ErikTheRed: Alas some people prefer watching to doing. And others tend not to find themselves in positions to do, either due to their environment, or their own personality or behavior. (Not necessarily due to *bad* personality or behavior, mind you...)


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huyderman
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Oct 2009
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 06, 2010 - 12:46 PM (#53336)

I'm a (eurpoean) guy, and said yes, but it's assuming a lot of "if's".

The biggest one is of course, if you can trust the guy. If there's a shred of doubt, it's a no go. Relationships end, and you have to trust that the guy won't use it if it does.
Keeping control of the media is another safeguard, but could be tricky or even defeat the purpose. If you feel confident you can maintain full control of the media, then it shouldn't be a problem.
But also consider if the two latter fail. If you do something like this, you must consider the ramifications of the film getting somewhere it's not supposed. If you can't handle that, or you believe others around you (family, friends, work, etc.) couldn't, then don't do it. If you don't feel you could defend doing something, you shouldn't be doing it.


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NunyaBidness
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Posts: 83

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Apr 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 06, 2010 - 06:22 PM (#53371)

Certainly be cautious, but there's a lot of alarmism here.

LOTS of people take intimate photos all the time. How many have you seen "accidentally" show up at work or family reunions? It just doesn't happen that often.

The "ex girlfriend" videos online are usually either fake, stealth, or from one night stands with illicit intent.

I have photos and video of several paramours and my wife here. No one is ever going to see them except me. (Yes, my wife knows about them.)(And yes, there are professional tasteful nudes of her out there we're rather proud of.)

Certainly, there are SOME guys who do, but if it was all that common, you'd personally know of it happening. It's not that common.

But, this does mean you have to make sure this guy has honest intent. How do your friends perceive him? If any of them express doubts about him (without telling them about the vid idea), then you probably shouldn't, or if they think he's too perfect.

And realistically, most people are not going to recognize you in that context anyway. I know several actresses in the industry, as it were. No one ever recognizes them in public unless they hang out a sign. Given the limitations of amateur gear, without a professional videographer, it's not as threatening as you might think.


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TheOriginalJes
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Posts: 205

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Jan 2008
Re: "I'm ready for my close-up... (or am I?)" (Score: 1)
posted Monday, February 08, 2010 - 12:13 PM (#53618)
In Response to NunyaBidness (#53371):

-"Certainly be cautious, but there's a lot of alarmism here.

...

Certainly, there are SOME guys who do, but if it was all that common, you'd personally know of it happening. It's not that common."-

True, there is a fair amount of alarmism. But, my thoughts go directly to my friends with children of high school age. I just don't think that it's wise to assume that the poster is as old as I am.

When I was in high school, this sort of thing went sour all the time. Thankfully, this was back in the days of dial-up and chat-rooms pre-Windows 95. I can't imagine how horrible it can be to grow up with those kinds of people in the YouTube age.


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