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POLL RESULTS: What's my name?: (11 comments)

POLL: What's my name?

Friday, February 19, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I've been going out with a guy for over two years. Last week, while we were having sex, he called out another woman's name -- the name of a new girl in his office that I've heard his friends mention repeatedly as being hot. We haven't had sex since. He insists that it was completely innocent. What should I do?

POLL: Should she forgive her man?
 
61% (930) yes.
 
38% (581) no.
1511 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Gruhl
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
May 2009
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 19, 2010 - 02:13 AM (#55043)

Well, I voted yes, but I want to state a caveat. Make love to him twice more, and try to "fuck him senseless", and if he calls out her name again, reevaluate. If he does, you need to think about what you want/need, and how it best fits with him or another. Perhaps you could contact the woman at work and invite her for some surprice playing. If she agrees, it will tip the scale...in any of several directions. Two years is both long and short. It's long enough that a good relationship should withstand a test, and short enough to not be a Richter 12 disaster if it doesn't.


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CarlosCM
Lover

Posts: 12

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 19, 2010 - 02:25 AM (#55044)
In Response to Gruhl (#55043):

Why the Hollywood scheme?

Every man has fantasies, some time or another, about other women while having sex. And I'm sure most women will have thought of Brad Pitt, Depp or the nice looking neighbor.

So this question is just about trust. Do you trust your partner to not be unfaithful? If yes, then ignore the one blunder and live a happy life. If not you might as well end the relationship now, as you will never stop wondering during sex, which name he will shout next time.


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DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 19, 2010 - 03:32 AM (#55045)

WARNING: The following may be a horribly bad idea...

A private conversation with "the new girl in the office" may be... revealing. Not saying it's a good idea, as it could backfire badly. But the goal is to find out this woman's intentions, and for better or worse, you'd end up having more information than you started with.

However, if you do this, choose your words and your tone very carefully. Confrontational will blow up in your face. Something along the lines of, "The thing is... I need to know... Do I need to worry about this?" might go over best.

I honestly don't know if it'll work. I don't know what kind of reaction you should hope for. But barring a better idea... it's an idea.


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Uriko
Lover

Posts: 19

Registered:
Mar 2008
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 19, 2010 - 03:58 AM (#55046)

First of, some fantasize in bed, some don't. If you haven't yourself, it can be really hard to understand when your partner suddenly says another person's name in bed. I know I wouldn't be too happy either and probably wouldn't want sex for a while either - and for the record, I'm a woman...

Whether you should forgive him or not depends on how he took it. Did he understand your frustration and was he sorry? Or did he just see it as the "old excuse" with "all fantasize - tough luck, don't care"?
This is what you should look at. The new girl could just be a quick thought without any base to it, and it slipped. He doesn't nescesarily have anything going on with the girl. She might not even know about the guys talking about how hot she is.

So my suggestion is:
Talk to him in all honesty and without any attacks. If he understands it hurt you and he will try to think about it and not do it again, then I'd forgive him.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 19, 2010 - 12:20 PM (#55051)

If your partner is fantasizing about someone else there's room to spice up and improve your (the two of you, not just you individually) love life. It's easy to fantasize when it's dark and quiet. It's difficult when your partner keeps bringing your attention to something they're doing (doing to either you or themselves). It's also difficult to fantasize when you are doing something to your partner that requires you pay attention. In this latter case you may need to tell your partner what to do that requires his/her attention.
That said, a great love life is when you and your partner have to distract yourselves from each other to keep from climaxing too soon. I used to TRY to calculate the powers of two in my head to keep it together while my lover and I built to exhausting climaxes.
Cap


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 19, 2010 - 01:41 PM (#55054)
In Response to CaptainSmokeblower (#55051):

Short, sweet and to the point here 'cause I have to head for work.

This is the sort of thing forgiven once. There's much humanity here to take an understanding account of.

If he makes a habit of calling out other women's names in bed, re-evaluate everything.

Otherwise...pffff! The less deal made of this, the better. It's not a relationship crisis. It's just a new, unexpected (and disorienting, sounds like) turn in the dance.

Focus on the last two years, not last night. Look at the patterns that have formed, not the exceptions. That's why I say reevaluate if this becomes a habit.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 19, 2010 - 06:23 PM (#55058)

Apart from his fantasizing about other women in the sack which is forgivable, the fact that it is two years and he is still just the "guy you are going out with" is more telling of the level of commitment on both of your parts.

I have a basic simple rule about relationships, and many people may disagree about it, but I think over 42 years of observing relationships in action proves the rule more reliable than not. The simple rule is this: if after two years of dating someone you are still not certain whether you want to spend the rest of your life with the person, then it is time to break-up and stop wasting both of your times in a non-starter relationship. This post to me sounds like you have sub-consciouly already come to this conclusion, and are now looking to have the pretext to justify being the "morally right" party in the break-up by searching for a cause that makes it his fault.

Do away with the pretext, and just come down to brass tacks and admit to yourself that this relationship is not the one where you ultimately want to spend your life. The sooner you realize this, the happier the both of you can be, and there doesn't need to be hurt feelings over an amiable parting of the ways.

If however you psychologically need to make the other party the "bad guy" in the break-up, then you are likely doomed to have all of your future relationships fail as well until you mature past that behavior.

One addendum to this is if you feel this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and their feeling is mutual, then there is no question but to forgive their fantasizing during sex. It does neither of you any good to hold a list of unforgiven grudges against each other as this will certainly poison and destroy even the strongest of relationships.

I advocate honestly understanding where your mind is on this matter before making a decision. Don't make a poor decision in anger, and if you can't figure out your mind on the matter seek out a professional relationship counselor.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, February 19, 2010 - 08:09 PM (#55060)

... We haven't had sex since. ...

"We"? Let's use accurate terminology: you haven't wanted to have sex with him since then. Keep that attitude, and he won't want to have sex with you, either ... and I wouldn't blame him.

Do you really think he was planning to cheat on you with the hot chick from the office? Or do you really think he's already cheating on you? If so, then cut him loose, now! If it's true, then you're well rid of the unfaithful SOB. And if you're wrong and he's innocent, then he's well rid of you -- your suspicions would make his life a living hell.

A bit of fantasizing now and then can spice things up, as long as both partners remember that it's just fantasy. Have you never, ever fantasized about someone else?

I'll let you in on a little secret: you aren't the most beautiful woman in the world, or the sexiest ... or even as hot as you were a couple of years ago. And in twenty or thirty years, if you're still with this guy, he's going to be fantasizing about how you used to look in 2010. He'll be cheating on you ... with you!


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Dtech
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2010
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, February 20, 2010 - 12:11 PM (#55063)

I'm a man, but that notwithstanding, if a guy can't remember the name of the woman he's in bed with, he doesn't deserve her.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Monday, February 22, 2010 - 05:01 PM (#55086)

This one really is a mouse-trap, isn't it.

It's really up to you to determine if he's the kind of guy to act on his fantasies or not.

It's also up to you to determine if this was the result of a fantasy, or not.

Not being a screamer myself, I can't really see someone breaking the habit of calling the same name after 2 years, without a little practice. What I can tell you is that I'm one of those guys that has many fantasies. And, I talk in my sleep. But, my loving wife of 11 years is still with me, and I've never strayed.

But, you also can't just talk to the girl. If this is innocent, you'd really do a number on her. How could she show up to work everyday knowing that:

A - this guy is fantasizing about her;

B - his crazy girlfriend is going to hunt her down, whether she's innocent or not;

and C - what can she expect from the other men in her office?

She may not be that naive. But, most people get by because they aren't confronted with the hidden realities of their situation. It's just like what you're feeling now.

Bottom line - there's as much hope as you want,...if you want it. Good luck.


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HerMeowness
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Feb 2010
Re: What's my name? (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, February 25, 2010 - 01:52 AM (#55120)

Fantasy is ONLY okay during masturbation. If you are with your significant other, you better be thinking about them, and them alone.


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