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POLL RESULTS: Coming clean: (24 comments)

POLL: Coming clean

Friday, March 19, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: My husband refuses to shower before we have sex. He believes that if he showers in the morning, he’s still fresh very late at night. I actually have to ask him to shower if I want to make love. I wouldn’t dream of having him touch me without my being clean. I shower, do my hair, brush my teeth, perfume — the whole nine yards. Are all men like this? I find it frustrating and insulting.

POLL: Should you insist your lover shower before sex?
 
17% (401) I'm a man, and I say, "Yes!"
 
30% (714) I'm a man, and I say, "No!"
 
1% (42) I'm a woman, and I say, "Yes!"
 
3% (89) I'm a woman, and I say, "No!"
 
46% (1083) It depends
2329 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Destichado
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 12:49 AM (#55392)

Your insistence on going "the whole nine yards" just to have sex actually makes you sound formulaic, unspontaneous and uninteresting.

Sex is not a clean and neat act, and it's not supposed to be. Your insistence here makes it come off almost like a fetish, and it's one I certainly wouldn't want to have anything to do with.

Poor guy.


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BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 12:58 AM (#55393)

Of course that depends.

Does your husband have a bodily strenous job? Does he stink in the evening?
Or are you just one of the many women who think perfume(and hairspray, deodorant ect.) is always better?

I am not talking about day-old workout sweat and cheesy feet, mind.
But I personally am extremely turned off by women who taste and smell like a plastic-room freshener from several "hygiene products".
Especially in sex.
feminine arousal has a fine, heady, wild smell - as does fresh sweat, male as well as female. Sex is a basic, animal thing.
To reduce a good part of that sensual, earthly experience to synthetic smells is like a cold shower to me.
Maybe to your husband too?

As always - think, then talk.

Do you just think, perfumed is "the thing to do"?
Or are you actually disgusted by his smell?

Is he actually unaware of his smell (remember, femal sense of smell is about four times stronger than male - if he smokes its even more so. I personally ask my partner regularly, if a jacket or shirt has to go into the laundry, simply because she has the finer nose) - or does he share my aversion for "smellfree" or unnatural smells?

Do you want him to shower or to perfume and shave before?
As a sign of respect for you?

Get your own motivations straight and talk to the man - he married you, I`m sure he does not want to gross you out.
But maybe he sees your refusal of his normal smell as a rejection....

Well, out of thoughts now.
Good night.


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EscherEnigma
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 01:02 AM (#55394)
In Response to Destichado (#55392):

Unless your man has a particularly dirty day job, I'm not sure about "insist". I mean, what's a little sweat after what you're about to do, right?

But if it's that big an issue to you, why not suggest that you shower together before hand as part of the foreplay?


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 01:05 AM (#55395)

Sometimes the best sex is spontaneous, sweaty, and dirty.

And sometimes spontaneous, sweaty, dirty sex leads to bladder infections. Yech.

Showering before sex for the sake of hygiene is a good idea. Insisting on doing your hair before you let him touch you is a rigid, neurotic fetish, the sort of thing Madeline Kahn did in Young Frankenstein.

Original Poster, didn't you know this about him before you married him? Why is it now such a big deal to you?


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Gadfly
Lover

Posts: 10

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 01:13 AM (#55396)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#55395):

Weird question. Seems kind of a matter of personal taste, other than the obvious hygiene questions raised if he's say, a coal miner or there's some legitimate reason to fear spread of infection.

Usually the only time showers come before sex in this marriage is when we both take the shower. Usually, my wife gets mad if we have sex right after she takes a shower and always insists on showering after.


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reynoldsrap
Lover

Posts: 14

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 03:47 AM (#55398)

It really depends. Sometimes, my SO and I come home after a long day, completely sweaty, and we have the best sex of our lives without a shower. Sometimes, we have the sex in the shower. Sometimes, we have a separate shower (or, if she's clean, I'll take one by myself), then have sex. (At which point we need another shower, which may or may not lead to more sex.)

That being said, if he smells absolutely awful to the point that it kills the arousal, you may just want to bring this up with him. The fact that you wouldn't expect him to touch you if you were dirty at least shows that you aren't holding him to a double standard, so I'm not going to belittle you for wanting squeaky clean sex.

Maybe you could meet somewhere in the middle, though? If he can manage to turn you on without his BO or anything of the sort being so overpowering that it kills the mood, maybe a sweaty romp wouldn't be such a bad thing once in a while.


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Azerik
Lover

Posts: 35

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 03:49 AM (#55399)

I had to answer this one "It depends" because the actual asking of someone to hit the shower before sex isn't strictly out of line, but the lengths you go to are. Insisting on "the whole nine yards" before letting him "dream of touching" you is borderline OCD or a body image disorder.

Sure, if he works construction and comes home sweaty and nasty, then insisting on a shower first isn't unreasonable. But if he's sitting in an air-conditioned office all day then he should still be reasonably good to go unless he has an excessive sweating thing. The simplest solution to the dilemma is to just explain that oral sex tastes bad unless he's had a shower. I can't think of a man alive that will balk at hopping in the shower for that...

Seriously though, if you can't function without going all out in the hair and make up department, then there are other issues at stake. Get them checked out. Nobody can fault you for not wanting to perform oral sex on an unshowered partner, but this seems much more than that.


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cptbeefalo
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 10:21 AM (#55404)

Clearly the previous comments have covered the "does he have a very strenuous job?" angle.

The two points I think are a bit missing thus far are the question of whether you have a overly clean mental view of intimacy and the potential lack of spontaneity your post suggests about only having sex late at night (which may piggyback on the overly clean thing).

It's one thing to not want to be unclean for sex, it's another to NEED to be clean before. That's something only you and maybe a therapist can answer.

The spontaneous issue could be another facet of this, however. If you two ONLY have sex late at night after the day, even on weekends or vacations, etc, that may also be an indication of a personal mental block that therapy could help. Or it could just be a sign of getting too much in a rut (pun intended), and needing to break out for both your libido's sakes.

Try talking to someone about these issues, see if maybe you aren't being a bit closed-off yourself. It never hurts to broach a topic like this by trying to come halfway first. :-)


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 11:46 AM (#55405)

So how clean are you after the sex?

If we're attracted to people because of personal pheromones you're washing off all his so you may be attracted to his soap rather than your husband.

Take him into the shower with you when you want sex, but don't take your toothbrush.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 12:19 PM (#55406)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#55395):

-"Original Poster, didn't you know this about him before you married him? Why is it now such a big deal to you?"-

She didn't qualify if the dirt/smell she's repulsed by is all-over or just in his genital area. And, nobody's really covered the possibility of a change in his hygienic needs over time.

Maybe, he's gained weight. And at the end of the day, his pits may be fresh, but his balls could have run a 10k in his shorts.

If we are referring to a localized area, then he does need to be more considerate and wash up as soon as he gets home. A change of shorts is also a good idea. This way, whether it's on for the night or not, he's prepared.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 12:23 PM (#55407)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#55406):

forgot one thing..

I don't think that the OPs point is about how clean anyone is before or after sex. It's about not getting lazy about what you give to your partner.


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 01:39 PM (#55408)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#55407):

This sounds to be building into a major relationship blowup and it doesn't need to be.

It sounds like something that is stewing in the back of Our Girl's mind.

Chill. Talk it out. Don't demand.

We can and should bend a little to make life comfortable for those around us. Maybe Our Girl doesn't need to work so hard getting ready. If her husband is like most guys, it's probably wasted on him anyway.

Consider how freeing it might be to dispense with all that prep work. If Our Girl feels driven to do it, then turns around and is annoyed that hubby isn't, then question very closely why Our Girl *is*, because it's that thing that's trying to assert control.


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CraigDavid42
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 01:42 PM (#55409)

Men's noses are less sensitive than women's. And after a while your own brain tunes out bad smells. He probably doesn't smell that bad to his own nose. This is one reason that the term "Gamer Funk" has been invented. "I've been gaming for the last 48 hours - I don't need a shower - it's not like I've been working out or anything."

I would personally not want you to wear perfume, and if your soap or shampoo was too fragrant, I'd ask you to change them.

My last girlfriend's nose was very sensitive. I had to pass a sniff test for her to want to even consider becoming intimate with me.

If your partner is not listening to you, then maybe you might try eating some Limburger cheese before sex next time - of course he might like that.

One other suggestion - take him into the shower and initiate sex in there (make the shower slip proof) or get a hot tub and always start there. Whenever he gets amorous take charge and just
lead him to the tub or shower. Don't comment about it - just lead him there.

There has to be at least one book out there about how to take a sensuous shower.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 19, 2010 - 05:37 PM (#55411)
In Response to CraigDavid42 (#55409):

-"There has to be at least one book out there about how to take a sensuous shower."-

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/positions/sen sual-shower-sex-position


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, March 20, 2010 - 05:53 AM (#55416)

I don't think that the OPs point is about how clean anyone is before or after sex. It's about not getting lazy about what you give to your partner.

This is a woman who insists on doing her hair before she lets her husband touch her -- apparently in all cases, not just sometimes. I really think there's more going on here than stinky balls. (And as I indicated, that condition would be grounds for requiring him to shower.) She sounds neurotic and controlling to me.

Also ...

Are all men like this?

What an interesting question to ask ... If her husband is her one and only sex partner so far, she may have gone into the the marriage with some peculiar expectations.


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Weasel4LadyJ
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, March 20, 2010 - 03:01 PM (#55420)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#55416):

As a married father, I find that sex is often a spontaneous occurrence, and very rarely do we take the time to "go the whole nine yards" to primp, clean, perfume, etc. ourselves before the act. That being said, we do have shower sex on a regular basis, which always involves each of us taking time to not only clean one another, but to make that cleaning part of our foreplay.

I guess, without beating the whole "does he have a strenuous job?" line of inquiry to death, the only times I would INSIST on either my wife being clean or to be "extra" clean myself, would be when oral is involved (again, as has already been mentioned). I mean, I don't want my wife to make an unpleasant "discovery" - nor do I wish to have one with regard to her. So, clean 'em if you're going up close, but unless you're a Stepford wife, I think that one shower a day is good enough in most situations.


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ElBueno
Lover

Posts: 17

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, March 20, 2010 - 09:48 PM (#55421)

You had my sympathy right up until the second-to-last sentence. The fact that you close your letter with, "Are all men like this?" tells me exactly what is wrong here: You are sexist. You think men are obligated to fulfill your wishes, even when you don't articulate them, which you have given no indication that you do. The way your question leads suggests that you think men are messy, smelly, unkempt slobs.

If, by chance, I am misreading you, and you do, in fact, feel something other than disrespect for men, then you must at least be too self centered to believe that anyone might see the world in a manner different from how you do so.

Your husband needs to get out while he can.

Wow does this ever burn me up.


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janus
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, March 21, 2010 - 04:55 PM (#55423)

Okay, there's some questions you need to ask yourself:

Is "going the whole 9 yards" becoming part of the foreplay for you? Does it turn you on and help you mentally prepare for sex?

If you answered yes, then it's probably a fetish for you, and you need to explain this to your husband. If no, then try telling him that, sexy as he always is you find him even more sexy when he's freshly showered. That's sure to motivate him.


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Darksuit
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Monday, March 22, 2010 - 01:42 PM (#55432)

Its a good thing she's never worked a Renn Faire. All that hot and sweaty activity after a long day and no showers typically for miles. Sleeping out under the stars with whomever. Showering is usually the last thing on your mind.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, March 25, 2010 - 12:28 PM (#55459)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#55395):

Just a thought. This was stuck in my mind, this morning.

-"Sometimes the best sex is spontaneous..."-

Is there really such a thing as spontaneous sex? When you think about it, someone is horny an well aware of that state before sexual contact is initiated. It's only really spontaneous to the person being seduced at the moment,... if they're clueless.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 05:14 AM (#55477)

Is there really such a thing as spontaneous sex?

Oh my. Yes, there is. I guess you'll just have to trust me on this.


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TheOriginalJes
Lover

Posts: 205

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 04:02 PM (#55495)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#55477):

I was walking down the street one fine day. And, as I turned the corner, I bumped into this lovely lady as she approached from the opposite way.

As neither of us where paying attention, we both soon found ourselves all a-tangle on the sidewalk. I attempted to excuse myself as politely as I could muster. But, when I glanced down; I had noticed that my trousers had slipped off mid-collision.

"Excuse me," said my counter part. "It seems that you've gotten your chocolate in my peanut butter," she quipped wryly.

That's when it hit me. My penis had, all on its own, aroused and inserted itself into this sweet, innocent girl.

"Hey, your clothes came off, too!" I exclaimed. As a man, such things don't usually escape my attention, but, I wasn't about to complain...


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Qumquat
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Monday, March 29, 2010 - 07:22 PM (#55516)

The whole fetish/image issue has been covered. The one thing I have not seen regarding his smell is consider if it might be related to a medical condition. If the problem has been a change in smell, and even if he has a desk job, he might need to discuss this with a doctor.


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DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Coming clean (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, April 01, 2010 - 09:14 AM (#55534)
In Response to TheOriginalJes (#55495):

Cute tidbit, Jes.

Usually, "spontaneous sex" starts out as fooling around, and then things escalate beyond the point that was expected or planned for or intended by either party, and someone decides in the moment to, um, insert Tab A into Slot B... and the other party doesn't object.


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Discussion: POLL: Coming clean | Login/Create an Account | 24 comments
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