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POLL RESULTS: Wicked Stepmother?: (24 comments)

POLL: Wicked Stepmother?

Friday, March 26, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... I’m over 40 and finally went online to try to meet someone. I found some decent guys in my age-range but most have children already. One guy who wrote me even went so far as to refer to his daughter as his “princess.” I don’t want someone who’s going to be making over his princess. I don’t have kids and have never been married. I want someone who’s going to be all about me.

POLL: What's a potential wicked stepmother to do?
 
14% (228) Someday your prince will come (around). Stay patient.
 
36% (582) Only date single kings (and try to avoid the queens)
 
31% (495) Mirror, mirror, on the wall... It looks like it's you and me -- that's all
 
17% (280) Poison apple. Definitely the poison apple.
1585 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Mister_D
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You're screwed... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 12:21 AM (#55471)

If a guy is single at 40, then either he's divorced, and probably has kids, or he's never had a successful long-term relationship.

If he's that age and he's never had a successful long-term relationship, there's usually a good reason for it... ie. him. :))

You're not daft for avoiding anyone with children. With the attitude you seem to have, you wouldn't be the best of parents.


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CanadianLumberjack
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 12:51 AM (#55472)

Shame on Mr_D, you have every right to demand that a man gives all his attention to you, just as you will to him, right? Calling your parenting skills into question based on your simple query is rude in my opinion...

Relating to my personal life, Im going to be 29 when I finish residency and then I will seriously start trying to find the "one". Do I want someone who already is divorced? Has kids? Preferably not, as I've been working on my career and don't want to end up someone who has either chosen to have kids or been partying too much. I want go through the dating/romantic/honeymoon phase with only each other in mind, not with the baggage of offspring of a failed marriage (that sounds harsh but is the simplest way to put it...).

You go for your Prince girl, dont take anything less than what you deserve.


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theblazian
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 01:10 AM (#55473)
In Response to CanadianLumberjack (#55472):

Well Canadian love you know what the difference between you and the writer is? That you are at minimum 11 years younger then her. So to put it bluntly; yes you will have options... but someone in their 40s+ will not have those same options cause most people will have married/had children/etc in their 20's/30's/early40's. That is life.

And to me it sounded like she was envious of the well as you put it.... 'products of a failed marriage.' Which he clearly loves and because he has children can never devote himself 120% to her. Seeing how she has never been married (and seeing how you have never been as well) or had children I can understand how those concepts would completely fly over your heads. Believe me; people say kids will change your lives for a reason.


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Mister_D
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 05:17 AM (#55478)

Speaking as a man who is over 40, divorced, and has a child from a past relationship, if a woman can't deal with the fact that i have children, then she's not the partner for me.

One of the main reasons that my new partner and i are together is because she got on so well with my daughter. She'll be a great mother.

It doesn't matter if you're the sexiest cougar in the pack, if you can't deal with existing children, then you'll only really be Miss Tonight, and not Miss Right.

Better you go looking for a single guy then. Trouble is, you'll be limited to the men that have remained single, and there are fewer decent ones in that age range.


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whutaguy
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 06:08 AM (#55479)

Do you really expect a man who has known you a realtively short time, to prioritize you above his own children, with whom he has years of emotional investment? And if he is, how long do you think his interest will stay fixed on you before he finds a new shiny?

I will assume that you've made things besides romantic interests your priority over the last 25 years. Are all these things by the curb now? Your career, family, friends?

You imply that you consider internet dating to be a somewhat desperate move. You also imply the pickings are slim. The guys are saying this also. Are you sure your a decent woman?

Check you standards in the mirror, and give the men a chance to decide if your worth any attention. After a few years, those kids will be out of the house, and more devotion will be available.


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peterb
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 07:58 AM (#55480)

Lady, any guy who would put a random needy chick he met on the Internet above his daughter is, by definition, not a "decent guy". That you don't understand this might explain why you've had so much trouble.

You can't hide from the turning of the tide. A decent guy (with a daughter) will never make things "all about you", and thank god for that. Find a good single guy (yeah, good luck with that) or trying growing up instead of just growing old.


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artemis3
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 08:56 AM (#55482)

Good luck to you. I hope if you find your prince and have children of your own you will better understand the idea that many dads dote on their children, and won't resent them for not being "all about you."


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BlueD
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 09:31 AM (#55484)
In Response to artemis3 (#55482):

As others have already said - good luck.

Its possible, but chances are not really high there.

Somebody your age will have lived twenty-odd adult years before he met you. If said someone is a decent guy, he will have made connections in life, which predate and outweigth every brand-new relationship.
Be it former lovers, sickly parents, kids or yearlong friends.
I am quite certain you will find nobody who you won`t have to share with others.

And how about you? Is your life so lonely, that you do not have any predating soul-binds? Whom no new love could part from you?

In fact, that might explain the attitude....

Furthermore, men learn to discuss their offpring with new partners, because most women deem that to be responsible and endearing. It shows "I am capable of committing" and is thus a realtionship plus for a lot of women.
Maybe he was just doing PR with the Princess-thing.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 11:22 AM (#55486)

1. Check the mirror for someone who's already all about you.
2. Move to Colorado, there you can marry yourself, which will make some guy very happy for the rest of his life, though he won't know why.
3. Was, "Someday your price," a Freudian slip?


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DanialArin
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 11:28 AM (#55487)

There are in fact a lot of guys out there who have reached older age ranges and are still completely single. Some of them are looking to change that, some are not. Most of them either have very specific things they're looking for in a companion, and haven't found the right mix; or have quirks which women have found... difficult... to put up with in the long term; or have some form of social anxiety which makes it difficult for them to approach women in the first place, or some fear of commitment or of getting hurt if things go bad which cause them to break things off before they can get serious; or are total players who have no interest whatsoever of settling down; or have placed their career or hobbies or family (meaning their parents and/or siblings) obligations and impositions ahead of pursuing relationships of their own.

Any of these except the "total players" might still do well for you, but all of them are going to be significantly more "work" to get a relationship started with and/or keep it going.


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zing
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 11:32 AM (#55488)

ehhh . . .

I'm in a similar position. As with the rest, I wish you the best.

That said: there's a fine line between 'my children, who I love very much' - which is perfectly understandable and to be expected - and My Darling Prince(ss) Upon Whom I Dote and Dote and Dote. Which attitude, for some reason, seems to go hand in hand with My Ex, The Satan-Loving Douchebag. There *must* be a connection there somewhere; I can't think what it is . . . .

There's no simple solution. There never is with dating, internet or otherwise. Just keep looking. Children or no, there's bound to be someone out there for you.


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The1Paladin
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 11:35 AM (#55489)

It's possible to find single guys in their 40's who are without children and who don't want them. I know. I are one. The problem with guys like me, though, is we're a bit self absorbed. I've been in a few long term relationships, was even married for quite a few years, but in the end we've always had to part (as friends). What I notice is that last sentence. I don't know if the poster meant it as snarky as it looks, but unless she's willing to return that same kind of devotion (and that borders on D/s lifestyle) she isn't going to find it. At least not for more than a few months.


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lorenzof
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 12:13 PM (#55492)

I hope you are just being funny with that last line. You want to see how someone might treat you over time, see how they treat their family. A guy that doesn't dote on his kids is not likely to dote on you in the long run. A single 40+ guy that doesn't have kids is either too absorbed with other pursuits that will be more important to him than you, or has issues.
My ex-wife said she didn't want kids because she didn't want to share me with a child. It was one of the most honest, and most immature, things I have ever heard.


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vorlonagent
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 01:04 PM (#55493)
In Response to lorenzof (#55492):

So strike a balance between the two points of view here. See I'm over 40 and a childless guy and I tend to want to select women without children too, and for the same reason. Ideally, I'd like some "us" time before the some "them" time comes along.

Observing other people's kids, childern demand--and I do mean "demand"-- time. When you've been in a long companionship drought, it's natural to want to drink it in uninterrupted and not want the distraction of children.

On the other hand, you can't expect to build a love-nest for two and never have anything intrude. Even without kids there's family, freinds, jobs, even housework.

There's nothing wrong with wanting "my time" but you're gonna have to share amd deal with interruptions. You want someone who can give you their attention fully when it's your turn. You don't want someone who'd be obsessed with you. I think that's the "long dry spell" talking. It would be the dry spell talking if I said it, definitely.


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Darkness
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 01:53 PM (#55494)

Sorry, but that line: "I want someone who’s going to be all about me." sounds like an teenager, I don't know how an 40's have such illusion (or naive faith)...

The only thing that I know that is "all about someone else", trustworthy, faithful and still happy, is a puppy dog.


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zmortis
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 06:08 PM (#55496)

There are a lot of good points of view expressed here, but very few which are telling you the solution to your problem. The solution is you.

You for whatever personal reasons have chosen to get to this point in your life without being in a serious committed relationship when many people have long settled in to their first and sometimes even second or third marrages.

Unfortunenately you expect to be facing the same plethora of options available to a woman in her mid-twenties entering the relationship arena. At your age that means either going cougar and chasing after young guys who haven't been domesticated yet, picking up a guy your age who is some other woman's cast off, or even worse yet the socially inept guy whom all other women have passed over already. I am of course presuming that no one sane is seriously looking to get involved with a "player" so I have rulled that type out already.

So you have to make a choice: do you want to mother some young buck and be his sugar mommy with good odds he's chasing you only for some mature tail who funds his party time; suck it up and deal with not having it be all about you; or learn to appreciate that the socially inept rarely have other friends/family/kids to keep you from being the constant center of attention.

Personally as a man in my fourties, if I were single I would steer well away from you since from this response you absolutely reek of "High Maintenace". You have to learn to become someone with whom other people want to be in a committed relationship. Acting like a spoiled princess yourself is not likely to work unless you are bringing something absolutely incredible to the table. I'm not catching any hint of someone incredible from you so far, so I recommend coming down to earth with the rest of us normal people and learning to accept the good with the bad in others.

I hope this helps.


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spzeidler
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, March 26, 2010 - 07:58 PM (#55497)
In Response to artemis3 (#55482):

> and have children of your own

She's over 40, you got that? Having children at that age (as in, becoming a mother; men can become fathers up into their 60s with a lot less danger to the baby) is nowadays possible, but not exactly a good idea. That train has left the station.


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crumjd
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, March 27, 2010 - 01:21 AM (#55498)

OK, I'm going to take a different tack from the other replies. See, I don't think you're *really* that concerned about a guy being myopically focused on you in a way that wouldn't be possible if he had kids. I think you're worried about becoming somehow responsible for a child you don't know, or perhaps don't even like, just because you're dating their parent.

If that's the case, I think it's less of a worry then you might realize. A man in his 40's could easily have kids in their late teens or even 20s. Such "child" would not need, or want, another parent and they wouldn't be taking up _that much_ of a man's time. As such, what you should focus on is meeting a guy who's say 48 and has well behaved kids who are already out of the home or on their way out.

Presuming you really really do mean no kids not now not ever, that's workable to. But everyone has flaws. The trick to a successful relationship is finding someone who's positive traits outweigh their flaws. And *that* is all about how you weight the flaws a person might have.

Many things might keep a person from having had kids (in no particular order):
1) didn't want them
2) they're UGLY
3) they're super shy.
4) bad breath (like totally horrible - always)

5) poverty
6) disability
7) strange unpleasant personality
8) other
9) some combination of the above

Which of those things sound better then kids? Remember, the more you pick the more men you consider datable. The more men you consider datable the more men you date! Just prioritize and pick (it's like point and click).


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crumjd
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, March 27, 2010 - 01:28 AM (#55499)
In Response to crumjd (#55498):

> And *that* is all about how you
> weight the flaws a person might
> have.

I should have said "traits a person might have" the things I list aren't all "flaws"; though there are some people who would consider some / all of them downsides to a relationship.


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DanialArin
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, March 27, 2010 - 11:40 AM (#55502)

@CaptainSmokeblower: Note that while the questions comes from the Original Posters, I've gotten the impresssion the polls comes from Brad. A typo there may be a Freudian slip, but it's not the OP's.

BTW, does anyone remember this discussion: December 4, 2009 comic [courting-disaster.com] associated question and conversation [courting-disaster.com]


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CanadianLumberjack
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, March 28, 2010 - 12:45 PM (#55508)

I hope I didn't come across too strong about the dating someone with kids part, I want to focus on the aspects of finding someone in her own shoes as in 1-in their 40s and 2-single and kid-less.

I took the OP question as maybe as wishful thinking/dreaming, as a result from not being in a LTR at this point in her life. Maybe her post sounded a little selfish, but who isn't when they're wishing for something?


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DoubleStar
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Re: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, March 28, 2010 - 09:54 PM (#55510)

Plenty of good comments here, DanialArin and CrumJD in particular.

I'll echo the poll results, if children are not your thing, then don't date a guy with children (regardless of the children's age). If he's worth having, then he cares about them and you will always have to share and be willing to take a back seat to them.

However, if children are not for you, keep in mind Americans are not only marrying later in life nowadays, but we're now also a negative population growth nation, with fewer people having children overall. That means your chances of finding someone else who also doesn't want children are better than other opinions here may have you think; I have two single guy friends who are both quite decent people and neither wants children.

Still, finding one in our age range will be tougher for you for various reasons. I'm the same age, was in the same boat you are 2 years ago, and might still be looking if I hadn't literally moved in next door to the love of my life now. Each of us have our quirks, but the one thing that really sets us both apart is that neither of us are very social people, and have a hard time making new friends. That's actually true of quite a few people in our age range, and it's not a bad thing by itself, but it means neither of us see a lot of new people, and this holds true for a lot of the other "good" single people out there; they're available and want a relationship, but don't know where (or how) to look, and so stick to the same small circle of friends.

My best advice is what others have echoed lately; get out and do what you enjoy doing rather than going places you think singles will be. If you have friends in town, go out with them. If you don't, find places to go that you enjoy for yourself and trust that others with similar interests will do the same; even if you don't find someone available, you'll make friends with folks who may know of a good guy who is.

Most important of all, become comfortable with the idea of never finding someone and remaining single, even if that's not what you want. Only when you can do this will you be at peace with yourself, and strangely enough that's when you are the most attractive and noticeable to guys who might not otherwise give you a second glance. For both my wife and myself, it was when we each finally stopped "trying" to find someone that we found each other. Rather than worry about she thought of me, I simply tried to be friendly - and in doing so my true personality was able to shine which attracted her to me, whereas always before I'd worried about what a girl thought of me and thus came across as awkward and desperate, which turned them off; they didn't want to try to get to know me better in that state.

Point is, going out and being social is only half of it; you've also got to be in the right frame of mind and at peace with yourself so that your best attributes shine through - do that and you won't have to try quite so hard to find others, they'll naturally find you.


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RickRussellTX
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Re: POLL: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, March 30, 2010 - 01:47 AM (#55520)

I guess it's possible that you'll find a potential partner who has no meaningful relationships with family or friends that demand his time, and is truly willing to spend every waking moment doting on you.

Is avoidance of meaningful relationships for 40 years a trait that is likely to lead to a successful romantic relationship after age 40?

I guess it's possible, like anything is possible. But it's not really the money bet.


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lwj2
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Re: POLL: Wicked Stepmother? (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, March 30, 2010 - 06:54 AM (#55522)

Best avoid men with kids, then -- you'll regard them as un-necessary baggage, they'll probably have the same opinion about you.

You may have some luck with men whose kids are grown, but you're probably better off with a guy who bought himself a vasectomy as a college graduation present.

The "all about me" part -- you do have a plastic friend, right?

Good luck, eh?


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