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POLL RESULTS: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you can feel me: (8 comments)

POLL: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you can feel me

Friday, April 02, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... After a long drought, I’m just starting to venture back into the dating world. I’ve been meeting men online and while I’ve met some very nice ones, I keep running into the same thing. Before I know much about them, they start hinting around about wanting a back rub or something else I don’t consider appropriate. It’s a total turnoff. What should I do?

POLL: What should she do?
 
12% (250) Loosen up. What's a little back rub?
 
53% (1047) Keep trying. The good ones are out there
 
24% (484) Try another form of dating
 
9% (177) Get used to being alone
1958 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you c (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 02, 2010 - 05:45 AM (#55543)

It sounds to me like you're looking for a more traditional pace of dating/courtship than they are. They could be Players, or they could be clueless and just have watched too many Brat Pack movies. Or they could be treating the site you're finding them on like the pick up line in a bar where they're looking for a one night's stand.

I guess the first question is, where are you finding these guys? Different places you look will produce different results. Was there some kind of profile questionnaire? Are you contacting them, or are they contacting you, or is the system you're meeting them through pairing you up? How much time elapsed between first communication and first in-person meeting? How much time are you spending in real-time not-in-person (phone / instant messenger) conversation (1 minute voice is worth 5 minutes IM) with them before an in-person meeting? How many e-mails / text-messages? (How long are the e-mails in each direction?)

Double-check your profile. Try a different site. Take more to communicate with someone before you agree to meet up in person, and make sure you're on the same page about pacing before you walk into a room with them.

When you meet in person for the first time, do it somewhere you're going to have a table between you, and decide after spending an hour or two face-to-face, in someplace where anything more intimate than hand-holding across a table is thoroughly inappropriate, if you're willing to walk out with them, or you're just going to walk out.


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whutaguy
Lover

Posts: 14

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you c (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 02, 2010 - 08:56 AM (#55544)

I would repeat the suggestion to check your profile. Are you clear about how you expect to be treated? Or are you afraid that if you seem too prudish, you won't get responses? The wrong responses are worse than no responses.

If your values are "old fashioned" say that. Men aren't mind readers, tell us what you want. If we can't give you that, we'll accept the loss. If (we think) we can, we'll die trying. But don't make us guess, and then complain that we "don't get you."


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DoubleStar
Lover

Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you c (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 02, 2010 - 09:38 AM (#55545)

I'll repeat DanialArin's advice, if online dating is how you're meeting guys then check your profile. I've been told by at least 2 "players" that they prefer online dating sites as the new way to meet people for "casual" relationships and 1 night stands, so if you're not interested in that you'll just about have to come right out and say so in your profile. That being said, some sites are more known for being player sites than others, so your luck in that respect will vary regardless of how you word your profile. Also, make sure your picture isn't too risque; that's a big hint to guys of what they think you "really" want regardless of what you say.

Keep trying, there *are* genuinely good people on the sites. At the same time consider other forms of dating as well, for the variety of it if nothing else.


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you c (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 02, 2010 - 11:43 AM (#55546)
In Response to DoubleStar (#55545):

There are only two things to add.

Check to see if there's a pattern in your thinking that may be leading you to accept dates with guys who made unwelcome advances. Go over their profiles to see if there are clues to their intentions.

Second, look me up. :)

No, seriously (well, half-seriously. I'm in the same dating boat as Our Girl is all)


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you c (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 02, 2010 - 11:45 AM (#55547)
In Response to DoubleStar (#55545):

Check to see if there's a pattern in your thinking that may be leading you to accept dates with guys who made unwelcome advances. Go over their profiles to see if there are clues to their intentions.


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Coanunn
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Feb 2010
Some thoughts.. (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 02, 2010 - 12:42 PM (#55548)

First, what are you looking for in these dates? That may sound odd, but if it's been a long drought you may not even want a long term relationship. You may just be looking for companionship for the evening out with no strings and no intimacy. I've been out several times where the date had nothing to do with dating and everything to do with going out for the night.

Second, are you communicating boundaries before you meet face to face? A friend of mine agreed to meet a mutual friend only after setting a series of ground rules for the meet, they ended up happily married because it let him know she was serious but that there were boundaries. Men are simple creatures, we may want whats on the other side of the fence, but if we know touching the fence will prevent us from ever getting it we won't touch the fence.

Third, are you meeting "geeks, nerds, dorks" etc? I ask because these guys are more likely to be involved in online dating but are also more likely to not have a clue about face to face dating and may misread your body language. A good rule of thumb is communicate first, communicate often to avoid misinterpretation.

Last, I can't urge you enough to listen to the other things already said. The profile is a huge part of what they expect as is the length and quality of communication you have prior to meeting.

As an aside, if you do want someone to chat and flirt with online I'm betting myself and other frequenters of this comic are good for at least chatting and realizing what you are looking for is out there.


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fesworks
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you c (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 02, 2010 - 01:37 PM (#55549)

Maybe you should do a better job of communicating online.

Given what little you've said, my immediate thought is that there is miss-communication in how you are conducting yourself online.

Make boundaries clear. Specify the intent of the in-person date.

The thing is that people communicate online personally a lot more these days, so the "getting to know you" part tends to feel accelerated for some.

Just communicate better.

Of course, for women, they're run into more "horn dogs" and other sleaze online a lot more than men would. So still be careful.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Feeling you know me doesn't mean knowing you c (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 02, 2010 - 07:17 PM (#55551)

I opted for the try another form of dating response. Let's face it - computer dating is much like speed dating. You get the equivalent of aproximately five minutes to figure out if someone is trustworthy enough for you, and to attempt presenting yourself in the best light. It generally does poorly at representing who someone really is and what their actual values are.

To be a success at online dating you have to either be willing to filter through a lot of noise, or take a large sampling to winnow out the inevitable "missmatches" (sorry Brad I had to go for it).

It sounds to me like you have a low tolerance for dealing with "forward" guys. Frankly speaking as a "forward" guy myself when I was dating I didn't take much time mincing words about whether a potential mate interests me either sexually or as a long term relationship possibility. I like to place my cards on the table early and clear out to play another hand elsewhere if I lose the "game" instead of wasting both of our times. It doesn't mean I need immediate gratificaiton or act as a player by chasing several women at a time. However, I don't like being held on the hook by what will likely be a non-productive relationship. Either the woman is able to accept my "forward" nature and a relationship together has a chance, or she isn't able to accept who I am and it's just better if we both move on to see other people.

You on the other hand seem to be someone who prefers a longer more drawn out examination of a potential long term relationship. There is nothing wrong with that, but the internet dating scene is as unlikely as a bar to produce the results you desire. I highly recommed that since you are more old fashioned in your approach to cross gender relations, you take a more old fashioned approach. That means arranged dates through friends and family members, or the somewhat more modern getting involved in activities you enjoy so that you are exposed to people with common interests who are not looking to date necessarily. Both of these approaches take much more time to meet someone than internet dating, and many people with busy lives don't want to deal with the wait that is normally associated with them.

However, as a caution I will note that I have a close friend who is my age (42) who is taking mostly the second path. The problem is that she keeps every potential guy in the "friend" zone way too long, and has been unable to get into a serious relationship for over eleven years now. She either meets the "player" type and quickly issues the walking papers, or the guys give up on waiting to learn if she's ever going to be interested and move on to the more forward or less choosy women (myself included).

If you are more in line with this type of person then the best advice I can give is learn to be comfortable with who you are as a person and less concerned about ever finding the right guy. You are going to be spending a lot of time on your own. That's ok, but it is an important life skill to recognise these qualities about yourself.


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