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POLL RESULTS: A Wheel Conundrum: (22 comments)

POLL: A Wheel Conundrum

Friday, April 16, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I am physically disabled, I have a broken back, and use a wheelchair. I have had some men flirt with me in bars, but it's always the "wrong guy". Why is my being in a chair a turn off to anyone who doesn't have a creepy fetish for sex on wheels? I'm young, I am hot (and yes I do know it), and I have tried several methods of dating. I just can't find a man or a woman who is interested in someone who is in a chair. It seems like that kills any compatibility.

I do know there could be other issues in a specific relationship, we are all human after all, but it just isn't getting past "Hey you're cute, oh... man... uh... uh..." The moment that they see the wheels. There is no consideration that I may like wild kinky bondage sex or may even just like sex at all.

I do take care of my own needs but it'd be nice to be intimate with someone else for a change. Do I need to get a tee shirt that says "My vagina works, does yours?"

POLL: What should she do?
 
16% (304) Online dating
 
12% (226) Church / social groups
 
70% (1293) Keep trying
1823 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
janus
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Mar 2010
Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 12:25 AM (#55722)

Actually, you might. Never fear though, there is someone out there. Keep trying, but look into online dating sites too. Or, next time someone tries to back off you might flirting back. People automatically assume that if you're in a wheelchair you either can't have or aren't interested in sex, and it may help to show that yes you are. Be patient, however, most people aren't very well educated about being disabled.


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vbalbert
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 12:35 AM (#55723)

As a person with debilitating depression I can understand what you're going through quite well. I'm a pretty neat guy, intelligent, witty, but my depression causes all kinds of problems, not the least of which is that people don't want to be around somebody who is depressed. I don't gush it out over others, but I'm the honest type and it's going to come out that I have it and it's a major turn off. All I can say is keep trying and good luck. (Wanna go out with a depressed guy? lol)


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Destichado
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 01:17 AM (#55726)

Two of the most beautiful women I've had the pleasure of knowing have been in wheelchairs, one permanently, one on a semiannual basis as her knees slowly self-destruct.
One was half a generation older than me and always had a boyfriend, the other is married to a good friend. If circumstances had been other, I probably would have pursued both of them -wheelchairs be damned!

The intimacy you're looking for is pretty unlikely to happen casually. Being in a chair is kind of like wearing a habit -you're just not going to get picked up at most bars. Find single friends first; if you're hot as you say you are, it won't take too long to find lovers out of that pool.

But just as a friendly tip, try making friends with ex-mil types. We're an interesting group of people overall, and as a bonus we're used to relating to capable and attractive people with broken pieces.


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Tnerb1107
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 01:43 AM (#55728)

Life sucks... but it is also wonderful. You find the most amazing things in the most amazing situations at the most difficult times. I don't wish to be a defeatist, because I am not. I am hopeful and I hope you are too. As attractive as you say you may be, be aware that you might frighten others, and not because of being in a wheelchair. There seems to be a self confidence about you and that can scare someone away quicker then that wheelchair. That person is out there, just remember when you find them and he looks at you, he might be thinking what if she thinks something is wrong with me.


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DanialArin
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 01:58 AM (#55729)

Just as people of a particular ethnicity tend to (mostly) gravitate toward the same, because that's who they're comfortable with, you may have better luck among people with similar circumstances, or among people who already have someone chair-bound in their lives. Have you tried looking for singles either on or through the local wheelchair basketball team? Even if none of the players are your type, some of them may have friends (or relatives) who are, and they are likely to be more comfortable with the idea of being with someone in a wheelchair than a person who doesn't already have a chair-bound person in their life. (And if you join a team yourself, it's a helluva workout. Those games are intense!

And I second Destichado's suggestion of searching in the Veteran community as well. Many of them have spent enough time around friends and colleagues with disabling injuries that, while it may still bother them, they're better at pushing past it.


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Vinom
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 02:50 AM (#55730)

If you want my frank and honest assesment, the guy's are intimidated. They have no idea who to aproch you, and will balk because they're nervous... next time one you might be interested in does, ask him if he thinks he can't handle you because you're too hot, or because he's too used to power steering. Breaking the ice in a way that shows your interested might be just what you need.


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Azerik
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 04:16 AM (#55732)

Short answer, look for a geek/nerd.

Longer answer, just keep looking until you find someone that isn't bothered by it or isn't creepily turned on by it. You will have to deal with some initial hesitation. So-called "normal" people are often intimidated by people with disabilities. We never know if you want us to hold the door open at the mall for you or if you will bite our heads off for suggesting you can't do it yourself.

There are nice guys out there that will be able to look past the chair. It just might take longer to get to know them well enough for that to happen. Or you might have to be a bit more direct with them. Guys are not the brightest creatures in the world, sometimes we need to be smacked upside the head with a clue a few times before we get it (the good guys anyway).


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whutaguy
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 05:55 AM (#55733)

I would suggest that you are meeting great guys that are hoping for something more than a one-nighter, and if a guy is looking for a long-term relationship, that chair is scary.

The guys might see 50 years of loading and unloading the chair from the car, getting stuff fromhigh shelves, etc. I'm not saying this is the truth, but they might know that they are not willing to be that committed.

I know that when you find the right guy, he will be an awesome guy.


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NunyaBidness
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 07:06 AM (#55735)

I guess I have to go with veteran, too. I've never seen a reason to consider a wheelchair a problem.

You might need to be ready for the humor. At a re-enactment one year, a young lady with a braced ankle decided the wheelchair was too out of character, and had friends run her between camps in a wheelbarrow. I could not resist a Monty Python, "Bring out your dead!"

"But I'm not dead yet."

"Shutup, you, you're dead!"

Great sense of humor and she was attractive, too.

This brings to mind that it may not be the chair itself, they may assume you need a helper/chaperon. That's also not a bad idea, with strangers. Make sure your helper friend is cool enough to back you up/disappear as needed.


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Trahern
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 07:35 AM (#55736)

Visit the T-shirt Hell website and send in that idea. They might go for it!


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reynoldsrap
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 09:36 AM (#55740)

I might be wrong, but I'm under the impression that the OP is more interested in something casual than what most people are realizing.

Perhaps you just need to be the one to initiate contact with a guy/girl that catches your eye (this does not mean that you need to flirt with them right away). Once someone gets to know you and realizes that you may very well be an awesome freak in the sack and that, no, they aren't going to hurt you or make you self-conscious about your condition in the course of sexual intercourse, they could be more interested.

I haven't had relations with a woman who was in a wheelchair before, and I don't have some creepy wheelchair fetish, but at the same time, there have been plenty of attractive women in wheelchairs that I would have gladly taken a tumble with.


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firelock
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 09:50 AM (#55741)

Some people are attracted to people with red hair, or glasses, or a really curvy behind. Why are these attractions normal, but an attraction for someone with a more unusual physical difference - say, using a wheelchair - "creepy"?

What makes it even more unusual for me is the OP's mention of an interest in kinky bondage sex. I've had discussions with people who are attracted to people with physical challenges, and one person's explanation of their fetish involved seeing a physical disability as a permanant form of bondage. A "normal" person might have their legs or arms immobilized for an hour or so as part of a scene - someone with a physical challenge has those limbs immobilized as part of their 24/7 life.

For the right person, a person in a wheelchair might be their living sex goddess, and them being in a wheelchair would be as much a part of the physical attraction as their hair or eyes or perky breasts.


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vorlonagent
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Oct 2009
Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 12:30 PM (#55744)

Waitwaitwait.

"Man or woman"?

Our Girl is a whellchair-bound bisexual critisizing other people's fetishes?

Did it ever occur to Our Girl that maybe--MAYBE--it's not the chair?

I'm told of a recent social experiment where a not-pretty woman was taught all the social graces and put in something like a bar with a pretty woman who didn't have them. the not-pretty girl walked away with all the guys.

Act like the chair ain't there and play it up with humor when it comes up. You may get better luck.

The best advice I got was love happnens when we're not looking for it.


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DanialArin
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 05:09 PM (#55749)

After consulting with a friend who is in a wheelchair, I got the following to pass along:

"If you want to pass my advice on, it would be the same as to an able-bodied person, to make deep friendships. Friends don't see the chair really, and you can make informed decisions about your long term viability before courting. Marriages that begin as well grounded friendships tend to do well."


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zmortis
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Jun 2009
Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 16, 2010 - 06:10 PM (#55750)
In Response to vorlonagent (#55744):

This sounds like a classic case of wanting what you can't have, and not wanting what you can have. Frankly speaking you're not the only person with this problem, but the whole bi-sexual wheelchair bound I want anyone except someone who's into what I am thing is just too contradictory.

First off, being in a wheelchair while admitedly somewhat problematic isn't your biggest issue here. Not knowing and acepting who you are as a person is the core issue to your problem. So like many people you are making the mistake of trying to define yourself through a series of shallow physical relationships. My advice to anyone is before entering any kind of relationship, first become comfortable with who you really are as a person. That means understanding your strengths and limitations. If there is a limitation you don't like, then it is time to examine means of reducing the impact of that limitation. For example plenty of women want to date "Hollywood Star X", but most will never get the opportunity, and to expect otherwise is unrealistic. Understanding what realistic expectations are will help you move forward.

Second, if you are automatically going to eliminate anyone who is interested in "getting it on" with someone in a wheelchair as too creepy, then you have automatically shortened your potential dating pool to next to zero. It is pretty clear that someone wanting to romantically date a bisexual wheelchair bound woman who's up for some Bondage and S&M is definitely not going to be considered a nice normal person by many others. So either you embrace your inner freakshow and accept other people for theirs, or else you tame your own wildly varying desires and focus on a less "wild" relationship with someone more staid and less "creepy".

Third, to be honest about it, people with physical and or mental disabilites are fighting an uphill battle in establishing a romantic relationship with most people. Most people are downright self centered bastards or bitches who look at someone like that and think, "That's potentially more problems than I want to deal with in my life."

Unfortunately that leaves the highly co-dependent types who can't get enough of interacting with "special" cases because it gives them a sense of self worth based on a need to feed a martyr complex. They use someone in your condition to self justify what a good person they are, and frankly that can suck as the person being used.

Finally, I do think you can find a meaningful and satisfying relationship in spite of these obsticles. However, you have to be willing and able to provide such a relationship in return to do so. It doesn't sound like being in a wheelchair is really slowing your ambition. The rest is patience and a willingness to accept the rest of us for our handicaps as well (for example my obvious personality flaws, hehe.).

I hope this helps.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, April 17, 2010 - 03:40 AM (#55756)

I have an online friend who's been in a chair since a traffic accident at age sixteen. She viewed it as an inconvenience that didn't change who she was -- and she was right. Now 32, she is doing modeling, and she has a very active social life (and she might get along very well with the Original Poster, if you catch my drift; nudge-nudge, wink-wink). Perhaps she'll comment here ...

One problem for us walkers who deal with people in chairs: there are different kinds of spinal injuries. Some affect functions "down there," and some don't ... and it might be embarrassing as hell both to ask and to deal with the answer. The Original Poster truly might need to wear a T-shirt that says "My vagina works!"

I'm told of a recent social experiment where a not-pretty woman was taught all the social graces and put in something like a bar with a pretty woman who didn't have them. the not-pretty girl walked away with all the guys.

Heh. Some social graces are more valuable than others:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_rRgPniwdU [youtube.com]


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DanialArin
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, April 17, 2010 - 05:03 AM (#55757)

It also occurs to me that, if you are up for initiating it, the chair gives you a completely different set of options for pick up actions, if you're up for being that aggressive. ("Oops, sorry, I didn't see you up there. Now that you're down here, are you okay?")

For those of us commenting, I think a few people may be reading too much into some things? My understanding was that she was looking for someone who is okay with her being in the chair, and isn't hung up on using the chair itself as a fetish. Which is not to say she doesn't have her own fetishes, but she's implies they're tied to the bed, not the chair. (Pun not originally intended, but hey, it works.)

I offer as a reference, a King of the Hill episode, entitled "Dia-Bill-ic Shock" (episode 13.1) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1293372/ [imdb.com]), as well as selected scenes from a Paul Hogan film named Almost an Angel (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099018/ [imdb.com]).


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Destichado
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Mar 2010
Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, April 18, 2010 - 02:49 AM (#55764)
In Response to zmortis (#55750):

"the whole bi-sexual wheelchair bound I want anyone except someone who's into what I am thing is just too contradictory."

I spent a lot of time wearing a uniform. I met a few incredibly hot women who wore the same uniform. That doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't think that uniform fetishes are a little strange.
Likewise it doesn't follow that professional chefs should all be okay with a food fetish.
Why should being in a wheelchair mean she needs to not be creeped out by guys with a disability fetish?


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zgwortz
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Apr 2008
Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 19, 2010 - 12:16 PM (#55779)

As other people have mentioned, most people probably don't know how to react to someone in a wheelchair - so trying to flirt in bars is probably the least likely way for you to succeed. You're far more likely to succeed in dating (or just getting sex, if that's what you want...) by making friends with common interests, and seeing where things go from there.

Second, just because a guy has a fetish for sex on wheels doesn't mean he's the wrong guy. Don't dismiss that outright - you need to look beyond that interest, much like they need to look beyond the wheels themselves.

Finally, if you really *do* like wild kinky bondage sex - why not find the local kink scene and get involved with it? In my experience, the kink scene is *very* accepting of people with disabilities, and you're likely to find exactly what you're looking for there.

The odds are high that somewhere in your area is a club or at least a regular munch -- basically a social gathering of kink-minded people -- that you could go to. There are also plenty of kink events all over the place which can be good for meeting people. Fetlife [fetlife.com], a kink oriented social networking website, is a great way of finding such clubs, munches, and other kink events - and it's even good for meeting people online, even though it's not really intended to be a dating site.


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quixotecoyote
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 19, 2010 - 03:24 PM (#55780)
In Response to Destichado (#55764):

Well, what's wrong with it?

She has a problem with people not being attracted enough to date her because she's handicapped.

Some people are more attracted to her because of it.

Unless you think fetishism is somehow bad or wrong, it's a win-win situation she's turning down.

The criticism she's coming in for is that she's implying that their fetishism is bad/wrong while disclosing her own set of fetishes.

Comes off as hypocritical.


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zmortis
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Jun 2009
Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 19, 2010 - 04:57 PM (#55781)
In Response to Destichado (#55764):

In reply to Destichado -

I was not suggesting that she date some a-hole who is only interested in her to satisfy a perverse sexual fetish. I was suggesting that she not automatically dimiss guys or girls who want to have sex with her for fear that they only have a weird fetish. Most people in real life are not so one dimensional. Unlike her condition your uniform is not part of who you are, it is just an object you wear for your profession. In her case while the wheelchair is also just an object, it is the disability she has to live with which is also a formative part of who she is as a person. If she automatically rejects people who are willing or interested in that part of her, then she is going to be "sexually lonely" for a long time (although she may still make many friends). I'm not saying that it's wrong to reject someone who is kinky beyond your level of comfort, but it is a contradictory statement to say she wants someone in a sexual way, but not someone who is interested in her condition. That pool of people which meets that condition is very small, and she is going to wait a very long time to meet one.

Overall my advice to her was to put sex on the back burner, and concentrate on real relationships instead. The amount of "rampant sex" happening in the wild swinging world is likely much more exagerated than she understands listening to her peer group. She feels left out when she needs to understand that sex is less important overall than having a solid relationship. As she has already noted it is always possible to take care of your own needs.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: A Wheel Conundrum (Score: 1)
posted Monday, April 19, 2010 - 10:50 PM (#55784)

Hey, people! I think you may be reading too much into this:

There is no consideration that I may like wild kinky bondage sex or may even just like sex at all.

I don't think that she's definitely saying she's into kinky bondage sex. I think she's saying that people don't think of her as a sexual being, someone who might be looking for sexual gratification, or even looking for wilder sexual gratification than they themselves are used to getting ... that she just might be Ms. Hell-On-Wheels, in other words, as in the cartoon.

But as I said earlier, I think she needs to understand that people need cues as to what she wants and what she can do, since not all people in chairs are able to do the same things. Expecting a guy who's interested in her to take the initiative in finding out is unrealistic -- as unrealistic as a guy who walks up to a girl at a bar and strikes up a conversation with "Hey, wanna screw?"


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