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POLL RESULTS: Once bitten...: (9 comments)

POLL: Once bitten...

Friday, April 30, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I get lots of looks from good looking women in their 20s and 30s and up. When shopping, they appear in front of me, sometimes repeatedly. I have a full head of naturally brown hair, a trim athletic physique and look good in Levis, which I wear most of the time. I enjoy excellent health and expect to live another 20 or 30 years. I’m 72, have three married children and 12 grandchildren, nice cars, a good income, a beautiful home, a good education, and I’m a nice pleasant guy. I don’t date, although I’d like to.

My problem is that I was married for 37 years to a woman who cheated regularly. I endured it because I was committed to her. Eventually, she left against my wishes and a year or so later was diagnosed with a terminal disease and died 30 days later. How can I disregard the years of pain and at least date and enjoy the companionship that is obviously available? I just don’t seem to be able to take advantage of the opportunities available to me.

POLL: What should he do?
6% (96) Stay single
67% (1050) Get over it, and take a chance
26% (403) Tell me where he goes grocery shopping
1549 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)

Posts: 58

Nov 2009
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 30, 2010 - 01:04 AM (#55849)

Get over it by seeking professional help and working through your issues. Then when you're comfortable take a chance. 37 years of this pain will take some time to get over.

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Posts: 20

Feb 2008
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 30, 2010 - 02:46 AM (#55850)

Er.... the thing is. He's 72, and wants to date 20-30 year olds. And his biggest fear is being cheated on.

Dum dum dum dum.

Sounds like his biggest fear has a pretty good chance of coming true?

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Posts: 19

Mar 2008
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 30, 2010 - 05:19 AM (#55851)

Well, the since it hasn't been written directly that this person is going for the 20- and 30 year olds, I'm not going to comment on that.

I think you should seek some proffesional help, like it has already been suggested. Cheating isn't just something you shake off.
And when you have gotten some help, remember that when starting dating, no one says it has to go that fast. Get used to the feeling of actually dating instead of focusing on having to find "the one".

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Posts: 10

Oct 2009
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 30, 2010 - 08:50 AM (#55852)

It sounds like you suffered a lot of pain for many years. This is an opportunity to find some enjoyment, take advantage of it. You just need to keep reminding yourself that you would just be dating. At this point, there is no "cheating" since neither of you are in a committed relationship. Keep things light and fun to start, and make sure you communicate clearly with anyone you start to become more deeply involved with.

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Posts: 55

Oct 2009
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, April 30, 2010 - 12:36 PM (#55853)

o let's just beat this horse to death.

Our guy's own brain is the only thing holding him back. Take the plunge. If that's just too hard, get help.

Our guy may find the younger ladies aren't as much "interested" so much as curious, which is OK too, but may come as a small blow to his ego.

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Posts: 36

Mar 2010
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, May 01, 2010 - 12:00 PM (#55860)
In Response to vorlonagent (#55853):

Having a kneejerk reaction myself against seeking "professional" help, I won't recommend that, but it would be wise to find *someone* to talk with and share your thoughts and frustrations over all this, who can give you a fairly unbiased opinion.

For what it's worth, I'll echo artemis3's advice and vorlonagent's warning; a "friends only" attitude while keeping things light and fun and taking it slow will be your best bet at discerning true companionship from selfish interest or gold digging.

Heh. Such an easy thing to say, and such a hard thing to do when you are lonely. Just don't forget to be yourself first and foremost as you take a chance with others.

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Posts: 24

May 2009
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, May 02, 2010 - 01:04 AM (#55861)

Well, I find it somhow really, really hard to believe, that a man your age is sincerely being flirtet with by women in their twenties and thirties.
Be he as pleasant and trim as he might.
Realistic, statistic data implies, that you may have 10 years of health, more would be a very generous universe, no matter the physical shape.
20-30 years - man, you are simply kidding yourself, and working in the medical, mostly geriatric sector I know what I am speaking of.
This is just delusional!

So, ok: You have the feeling, that much younger women are interested in you and are worried about cheating....
As Jasonred already pointed out: the chances are good, that this will be the case. or, that there will be golddiggers interested in the financial security you have to offer.

Me, I`d think you are misinterpreting the glances. Niece guys your age are considered nice Dad- or Granddad-roles. If they are pleasant - much the more so. and it feels so safe.
I do simply not believe, that there is a more than miniscule percentage of women who consider a man 40-50 years their senior a romantic partner. Not with the very likely possibility, that they will be in a nursing-role not to much time ahead.
So forget the attractive women a third your age! Not interested or no noble aims there.

To adress the cheating-part. Well, I´m sorry for your bad experiences, but you will have to dive in and overcome the angst.
Maybe if you look more into your own age categore, the fear might be lessened. The libido-question alone would render a big part of that fear null and void.

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Posts: 92

Apr 2009
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, May 02, 2010 - 02:49 PM (#55865)

@BlueD: Some families have better longevity than others. There are people in my family tree who've gotten cancer which killed them before they were 50. A friend of mine, his grandfather was a heavy smoker and drinker his entire life, and at 80-something was still going quite strong. There are kids who die of leukemia before their 10th birthday, and then there's George Burns. Bottom line, I wouldn't knock this guy's assessment of his own medical condition without knowing him.

There are some women who find the granddad role attractive. Not many, percentage-wise, outside of the extreme gold-digging types, but enough. And he may have stumbled across a veritable social club of them. He may also look younger than he is, and may be well shaped if he's taken care of himself his entire life. They may just be very impressed that a guy his age has managed to maintain the physique and vitality of a Marine drill sergeant. (Okay, I'm stretching the assumptions a little, but not all that much.) But while most women in the age group cited won't be interested in a guy this one's age, there are some who'll find it attractive on the biological basis that a guy who's that healthy at that age will make for some rather long-lived offspring.


Getting back to the original poster's originally-posted issue, the only cure for suspicion unfortunately is contrary proof. And that kind of proof doesn't come without opportunity.

Sir, you had a very bad experience over a long period of time with one particular partner. Unfortunately, it dominated your experience, but it was a very, very small sample set. When there's only one test case, it's kind of all-or-nothing. It's kind of like trying to predict who's going to win presidential elections every time around for a century by asking only one voter, and the same voter every time. You could get lucky, and find a person who happens to line up with the same result as the actual election every time around, or you might find someone whose predictions have no correlation with the final result ever.

Right now, you're effectively starting from scratch, and you've got as wide a range of possibilities as can be available for you, considering both your own age and that of the girls you've been mutually eying. The age difference actually presents an advantage here; the ones who are more interested in playing games will pull themselves out of the candidate pool more quickly.

If you are serious about exploring this, you need to force yourself out of a monogamous mindset, and not come back for a good long while. This will hopefully free you in the interim of the need to expect a monogamous mindset from someone else, and let you enjoy casual company as you get to know people before you start seriously considering getting serious with someone. It will take time to settle in, but it won't start until you do.

For starters, you say there are a few women giving you these looks; start by finding out if they mean what you think they mean. Ask a few of them out for coffee. Nothing big, no commitments, just a public place where you can sit and talk for a while that has something to do with your hands while you're listening, and low cost so no appearance of strings. If you get any takers, see where it takes you, but just because you have one on the calendar doesn't mean you should stop accepting invitations. Do the whole get-to-know-you thing across the cafe table, in both directions, with a few of them over the course of two or three encounters each, see what happens with that before trying to set up a "real date" with anyone. If some of them turn out to know each other, participating as a group in a large group activity as part of the get-to-know-you may not be a bad idea. Go out on at least one "real date" or two with a couple of them, and don't start declining new first or second dates to actively pursue one woman in particular until you've had at least a successful second "real date" with that one and scheduled a third. And shy away from offers of casual sex early on; sex that's too soon and too easy will probably not bode well for the viability of a committed long-term relationship, if that's what you want in the end, and would mean it's time to let that one go.

When you've gone a few weeks actively seeing only one person, and you start feeling yourself possibly bonding with her, then actually have the "Are we Just Casual, or are we serious enough to be An Item?" talk. Get past that, and the bedroom can more reasonably enter the equation. And have her meet your kids (and grandkids) soon after that.

The more meaning you put behind each advancement in your level of physical interaction, either through your words or your actions or your insistence on pacing things, and the more you try to involve her with your existing family, the more whoever you're with will realize you're looking for a real commitment for the long haul, however long that turns out to be. Anyone who's not serious and committed enough to be loyal will probably either balk at one of these items, or will trip your kids' or their spouses' (or, if any, your teenage grandkids') "bullshit detectors".

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Posts: 300

Jan 2008
Re: Once bitten... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, May 05, 2010 - 05:51 AM (#55874)

I get lots of looks from good looking women in their 20s and 30s and up. When shopping, they appear in front of me, sometimes repeatedly.

Like some of the other commenters, I'm a bit skeptical about this ...

This man needs a friend, male or female, to evaluate his situation for him. Perhaps he is misconstruing things. When I go shopping, good looking women in their 20s and 30s appear in front of me, too, but I've never seriously thoought that they were fascinated by my irresistible sexuality. Perhaps his friend can confirm that the women in the supermarket are indeed flirting with him. Or perhaps his friend can set him up on some dates with compatible women.

A few years ago our next-door neighbor, a nice man in his middle seventies, began coming on to my wife -- first with small jokes, then crude innuendo, finally outright propositions. We learned early on in this sequence from his appalled daughter that he had been diagnosed wih Alzheimer's, and that exaggerated, delusional sexuality is a common symptom. Alas, the poor man's disease progressed quite rapidly.

I really do hope the original poster is as healthy as he believes he is.

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