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POLL RESULTS: Skanks for the Memories...: (21 comments)

POLL: Skanks for the Memories...

Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I just found out who my guy cheated on me with, and it's some trashy chick from down the block. I'm trying to move on, but I can't stop wondering why he messed around with her when he had a nice girl like me. I don't want to brag, but I have a nice job, keep a clean apartment and have been told that I'm attractive.
POLL: Why did he cheat on her with a skank?
 
4% (86) Nice girls don't cheat.
 
12% (219) Skanks are more fun.
 
1% (29) Why not?
 
30% (530) Because she was there.
 
50% (868) Who cares? The point is: He cheated.
1732 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
MadDavid
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Posts: 4

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Jul 2009
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 02:13 AM (#56148)

His cheating is not about you or her. It's about him.

He probably figured that he could get more if he had more than one lover (note: it doesn't matter what you were / were not giving him, because this is just about him) and he didn't worry about getting caught and losing you because he thought he was WAY to smart to ever get caught.


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lonelycure
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Posts: 3

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Feb 2010
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 02:31 AM (#56149)

well maybe youre attractive, but was he getting all he wanted to in bed? i mean how wiling are you? i think he went for the skanky girl coz everything goes if you know what i mean.... all the other things dont matter much in bed...


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Azerik
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 03:49 AM (#56150)

If you analyzed this intensely I suspect it would all go back to the puritan roots of the USA and the essential dichotomy that legacy has left us with.

Most people will express a desire for a nice girl/guy, but will make a lie of those words by always going out with someone that doesn't fit the bill. Exactly why.../shrug.

In this specific instance it was probably expediency rather than a specific need for trashiness. The so-called "trashy skank" was probably just the quickest way into bed. Had he found a classy but willing partner, I suspect the outcome would have been the same. The point is that he cheated on you. Most people that do that sort of thing to their partner will keep on doing it over and over to try and satisfy whatever demon drives them. If you don't like this behavior, find someone that does appreciate you for what you are and is satisfied with that. If this isn't the first time this has happened to you, re-examine your selection criteria.

If you really think that it was the trashiness that attracted him, then go buy yourself some stripper shoes and bright red lipstick. A little trashiness in the privacy of your bedroom/home is just fine, just don't compromise any fundamental aspects of yourself in the process. Let it be "dress up" rather than a lifestyle change.

Most men agree on some level with the song, "...I like my women just a little on the trashy side..." (yes, that is a real song, google it)


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jasonred
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 04:52 AM (#56151)

So you have a nice job... does that mean that you earn a lot, or do you just like your job? And, it only really matters if you share incomes and expenditures.
So you keep a clean apartment. hmm... show of hands, guys who actually CARE about that sort of thing? ... and yup, only the gay guys really care much.
You have been TOLD you're attractive? Don't you KNOW yourself? the way you word this doesn't exactly inspire confidence in your looks.

So, all in all, I think you don't understand what men want... maybe that's why he cheated on you.


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Brrr
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Jun 2010
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 10:36 AM (#56152)

"Trashy chicks" tend to do things in the bedroom that "nice girls" won't. Think of that thing he's asked for that you've said "no way" to. It's pretty much a lock that THAT is what he was doing with the trashy chick.

Life is far too short to keep begging.


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jwalsh1208
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 12:22 PM (#56153)

The way to look at it is very very simple. Men marry women who are nice girls they can bring home to their family and introduce to their friends, and that same girl needs to usually be a skank in bed. Guys are visual and physical. A lot of times guys won't ask for the kinky stuff, but believe me when I tell you that they are all kinds of turned on when the girl initiates it.

Guys cheat for different reasons. But in this example the things you listed are less important to a guy then they are to a girl. A nice job and clean apartment are things that are usually important to the woman, being physically attractive is good, but in the end the 2 things that are most important to a younger guy are food and sex. As men get older sex drops in importance slightly and intelligent conversation rises, but sex is still on the list. And not lame married "cmon lets get this over I want to watch TV" sex. Freaky sex like you are back in college. Guys want to feel like they really turn their partner on, and that their partner wants that awesome sex just as much or more then they do.


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lonesttarr
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Aug 2008
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 12:43 PM (#56154)

WOW! So the guy cheats on his girl and she's to blame? What a classy bunch of comments!

Guys cheat, not because they arent getting any or any other reason, they cheat because most guys are more entralled with the hunt than being happy with what they caught.


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vorlonagent
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Posts: 55

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Oct 2009
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 01:01 PM (#56155)
In Response to lonesttarr (#56154):

With you there Lonestarr.

If the guy wants more in the bedroom department, that's an excuse to cheat. Not a reason.


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TheOriginalJes
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Jan 2008
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 04:28 PM (#56157)
In Response to Azerik (#56150):

-"Most people will express a desire for a nice girl/guy, but will make a lie of those words by always going out with someone that doesn't fit the bill. Exactly why.../shrug."-

That's an easy one. It's because such people see in others what they choose to see, or believe that they can change that person to fit their needs.

Stereotypically speaking however, that's more of a feminine or "passive" failing. The "aggressive" personality will often just as easily dump someone that doesn't work out.

To the OP, I'd say your guy was either:

- not concerned about you finding out;
- not afraid of losing you;
- or too stupid to realize that either of the above as a possibility.

But, if you're still with him, then I guess stupidity isn't his problem.


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TheOriginalJes
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 04:30 PM (#56158)
In Response to vorlonagent (#56155):

-"If the guy wants more in the bedroom department, that's an excuse to cheat. Not a reason."-

I think you have that backwards.


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zmortis
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 06:40 PM (#56159)

All this points to is your poor decision in picking this loser in the first place. Otherwise there is nothing wrong with you, and everything wrong with him. I suggest you learn your lesson, kick this guy to the curb so fast his head spins, and never date a guy like that again.

I hope this helps.


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reynoldsrap
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 09, 2010 - 05:01 AM (#56165)

The truth is, a lot of people cheat at one point or another. It's almost always a mistake.

The thing is, some guys (and some girls) want to experience different things. I'n not going to defend this guy for cheating, but I will say that if you keep things sexually exciting, then a guy is much less likely to cheat on you.

That doesn't excuse his behavior, though.


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Darkness
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Mar 2010
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Wednesday, June 09, 2010 - 01:39 PM (#56175)

Sometimes a nice girl isn't enough, men need a trashy chick once in a while...


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DanialArin
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, June 10, 2010 - 12:38 AM (#56181)

It's a lot like when you're in high school, and all the cute girls are dating either the bad boys or the football players. Trashy girls are, supposedly, exciting. In the same way as guys who can bench-press twice their own weight or draw a switchblade in a tenth of a second.

At some point, both men and women decide that stable is more desirable than exciting as a primary relationship. But a lack of excitement makes them feel dull, old. Getting a jolt of excitement makes them feel young, vital. And cheating with a trashy girl or TV news anchor look-alike or what have you gives them that jolt. Heck, cheating alone can be enough to give them that jolt.

The question becomes, is the quick jolt of excitement worth the consequences? They also tend to assume they won't get caught... If they assumed they would get caught, a lot less of them would do it.

For the guys (or girls) who try to have it both ways... they want a stable partner to have kids with, since that's best for the kids, and an exciting one for their entertainment, since it pushes the buttons they'd otherwise miss having pushed.

However, there are a lot of people who come to the conclusion that that kind of excitement is something we can do without. We just have a hard time knowing where to look for each other, since we won't find each other in bars or clubs or walking the streets...

Then again, I hear the online dating sights are good for that, provided most people are honest in their profiles.

I should also mention, there are a couple of types of guys who don't expect to have a lot of success with women, particularly with the skanky ones, who would find them of zero interest. Perhaps consider looking at guys in those social circles... Once you get past the surface, most of them are nice guys. For example, Leonard or Raj from "The Big Bang Theory".


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Garwulf
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Jun 2010
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, June 10, 2010 - 03:59 PM (#56187)

I hate to say it, but what is unsaid in this question raises a lot of questions in my mind. Now, I don't know what was going on in the relationship, so I can't draw any solid conclusions, but from what I've seen, I have my doubts about this being all just a scumbag move on his part.

So, here are the things that this woman tells us about herself:

1. Nice job.
2. Clean apartment.
3. She's been told she's attractive.

Only one of these has anything remotely to do with whether a relationship is working. She hasn't told us whether they were spending lots of time together, doing lots of things, etc. Whether there were similar interests. We don't know what their sex life was like. For that matter, and most important, we don't know if either one of them was happy.

So, what about an option 6? He felt trapped, didn't know how to end it, and this offered him a momentary escape from it all. It's not a route I would have taken, but the description I've read had so little humanity and emotion in it, I can't help wondering if the cheating was a sign of serious problems in the relationship, rather than him being a scumbag.


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MrTreize
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 11, 2010 - 01:32 AM (#56190)

So, call me the bad guy, call me mr insensitive. The simple facts are that people, not just men, will stray outside of the relationship if they are not getting what they want from their partner. If the person you are in a relationship with likes to make love/fuck or whatever you want to call it, you both should be going at it often and frequently and all couples should strive to fuck/make love like porn stars. At least that way it will never get boring or old and it will always offer variety. It could very well be your fault he strayed or it is simply a compatibility issue in that you are both not on the same page in communicating your needs/wants.


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TheOriginalJes
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Jan 2008
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 11, 2010 - 12:44 PM (#56193)
In Response to Garwulf (#56187):

-"...but what is unsaid in this question raises a lot of questions in my mind."-

Good point, Garwulf.

So, I re-read the original question. Now, I'm thinking that she's in a more, "What's she got that I haven't got?" mentality as opposed to "why did he cheat on this?". But, I'm noticing that she doesn't tell us how long her relationship is/was, or if she ended it. She's just telling us that she's trying to move on.

To the OP: If you're still asking yourself why, then you're not moving on. Point-of-fact: you're dwelling. Take what the nice people here are telling you and understand this:

- Comparing yourself to her is very much like comparing apples to oranges. You are two different people, most likely of two different tastes.

Stop thinking about what she has, and start looking at how the relationship changed from start-to-finish/present. Maybe you'll be able to see how he just wasn't right for you and what to look out for in the next guy you date.

Or, if you really were thinking option 2, then here's another possibility. Maybe he didn't want someone stable with whom to settle down. He may just be about conquests at this stage in his life. Which still leads to the same advice.


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abb3w
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Jan 2008
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 12, 2010 - 02:57 PM (#56195)

Any human (guy OR girl) can be tempted by "something better", if the gain is enough. (If you aren't lying to yourself, you can probably think of a rich movie star whose sincere promise of eternal devotion and a lavish lifestyle could have tempted you to dump him in a heartbeat.) It's mostly a question of how individuals evaluate the gain versus the risk. And usually, "this and something more" is judged better than "this" alone.

As to why a skank: If a guy is in a (not short term) relationship with a "nice girl" and asks her to do something past her boundaries, he openly risks the relationship (and thus, losing the availability of what's within her boundaries). If he asks a skank that he's not in a relationship with, he's only COVERTLY risking the existing opportunity (and STDs if he's incautious); it probably isn't even a real risk to the potential relationship with the skank. And if he's correctly identified her as a skank, she's not likely to up the cost of rejecting the request by getting word back about the suggestion.

Evidently, your guy found the opportunity of "more sex" more important than the risk of losing you. Arguably less than perfect judgment on his part, if he's unhappy about you dumping him; and an imperfection of judgment likely to foreshadow enough others to dump him over. If he's happy with you dumping him... well, that suggests less than perfect character judgment on your part at the outset; learn from your mistake, and the sooner you could make him happy that way, the better for both of you.

As long as you communicated your boundaries accurately, you're probably better off. If there was some particular kink you know he did this to get and think "but I would have...", it suggests you weren't clear with him where your boundaries were; you might make more effort at open communication in your next relationship. Similarly, if you had indicated "I wouldn't..." but in hindsight WOULD have over this, it suggests you were first less than honest with yourself; you might want to take some time to take a cold, hard, brutally honest look at your limits. Do it in private; no-one needs to know how ugly the dark side of your soul might be, and no-one's judgment about how ugly it is matters, but it's good to know who you really are so that you can live with yourself.

On the other side of the coin, it's possible he just wanted sex with the other chick for reasons (whether from evolutionary or individual psychology) boiling down from your standpoint to "because she was there". Since you presumably (and sensibly, given STD risks) consider a threesome with a skank outside your boundaries, there's not much to be done about it. At that point, yeah... it was all about him. I've no suggestions on how to tell that kind of person in advance; sorry.


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TheOriginalJes
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Jan 2008
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Monday, June 14, 2010 - 10:36 AM (#56202)

I think that too many people are assuming that this guy had more exciting/taboo sex with the skank than he did with his girlfriend. It's possible that having sex with someone other than his girlfriend was the taboo in his sex. And, it seems people are assuming that a girl who has self-esteem wouldn't do some of the nastier things.

I think eliminating those assumptions would eliminate about half of the comments listed here.


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Silenced_is_Foo
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Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 18, 2010 - 11:15 AM (#56241)

"""I don't want to brag, but I have a nice job, keep a clean apartment and have been told that I'm attractive."""

This tells me you weren't really putting in an effort in the bedroom, or you would've mentioned it. A guy's got needs.

Alternately, some guys are just dicks and will cheat with anything available. As Chris Rock said, a man is only as faithful as his options. It ain't true for all of them, but a lot of them.


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Silenced_is_Foo
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May 2010
Re: Skanks for the Memories... (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 18, 2010 - 11:15 AM (#56242)

"I don't want to brag, but I have a nice job, keep a clean apartment and have been told that I'm attractive."

This tells me you weren't really putting in an effort in the bedroom, or you would've mentioned it. A guy's got needs.

Alternately, some guys are just dicks and will cheat with anything available. As Chris Rock said, a man is only as faithful as his options. It ain't true for all of them, but a lot of them.


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