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POLL RESULTS: Three-Time Loser?: (5 comments)

POLL: Three-Time Loser?

Friday, July 09, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: Can you help me stop thinking that my girlfriend is cheating and lying? I’ve been cheated on three times before, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

POLL: This guy should...
21% (324) ...learn to trust
44% (670) ...know what to look for to catch a cheat by now
27% (412) ...realize he has terrible choice in women
2% (43) ...stop dating
3% (60) ...get used to being cheated on
1509 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)

Posts: 55

Oct 2009
Re: Three-Time Loser? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 09, 2010 - 12:07 PM (#56434)

What, no words of wisdom to precede mine? I have a blank canvas!

Personally I find any choice other than learning to trust depressing. Without that trust paranoia will rule the day.

But the top three choices all have some merit to them.

"Terrible choice in women": Three cheats out of three means Our Guy is looking for something in a woman or is relating in a certain way that he shouldn't. Something toxic. A little self awareness as to what it is will go a long way toward rocognizing what that bad stuff is and avoiding that path

Maybe he subconsciously thinks a "good girl" is boring.

Maybe he's drawn to the drama of the confrontation with the cheatin' girl.

Dunno. Moving on.

Trust, once lost, is really hard to get back. Being vulnerable is sometimes difficult and uncomfortable when you've been burned a lot. Consciously cultivate it or it will never return.

Let's not be stupid. "Trust" doesn't mean "blind trust". If she's ceating, she'll leave clues even if she's trying to hide it. Our Guy ought to be able to tell what they are. "Trust" means not blowing a single incident out of proportion.

Look for patterns of behavoir. Our guy ought to have previous examples to work from. If she's busy when you want to go out once, that's nothing. Life happens. when it starts to become a pattern on a certain day of the week or month only then consider the possibility.

You see, "stupid" includes Our guy allowing his fear to run away with him, making himself paranoid or possessive. By giving his fears free run, Our Guy could end up turning a nice girl into the very thing he fears she might be.

Our guy should talk to his girl about this. Make sure she knows he's been burned and is prone to jumping at shadows. See what she has to say to reassure.

Finally: Our Guy? Trust yourself. You are allowed to have a happy, stable relationship. Relax. Enjoy your girl while she's there. Make some good memories you both can take away, no matter what. If she's cheating, the signs will be there. Trust yourself that you'll see them.

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Posts: 76

Jun 2009
Re: Three-Time Loser? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 09, 2010 - 05:46 PM (#56442)

I know the percentage is the lowest, but the correct answer for now is to stop dating. Anyone. All together.

However, that is the short term answer. What you need to do is take some time be it months or years even to get your head on straight. Right now in your life you are the perfect example of a self fulfilling prophesy in action. You look for a partner to cheat on you. You are parinoid they are cheating on you. You start acting like they are cheating on you.

Then they come to the conclusion that if they are going to be treated that way, then they have nothing to lose from cheating on you. You are eminating an aura of distrust and failure which is anything but attractive to a partner. Once again it is a self fulfilling prophesy.

The answer is to take the necessary time to become wholy comfortable with who you are as an individual. Gain confidence in yourself as someone worth while. Learn not to be paranoid about what others could be doing, and then you will find yourself ready to re-enter the arena of dating.

If you start dating before you successfully accomplish this, you will be likely doomed to a very long series of relationship failures.

Also having a little better eye for choice of partners wouldn't hurt either. Remember someone willing to cheat with you on their partner, is someone who has the potential to cheat on you with someone else.

I hope this helps.

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Posts: 7

May 2009
Re: Three-Time Loser? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, July 11, 2010 - 07:08 AM (#56461)

I think both of the previous posts hit the nail on the head, but I'll add my own advice by suggesting you consider the old adage "shit happens."

In short, suck it up.

Just because one (or even three) of your girlfriends turned out to be cheaters, that doesn't mean they're ALL gonna do the same, & the sooner you get that through your head, the sooner you can stop poisoning your relationships by unfairly placing those transgressions of past lovers onto the shoulders of newer ones, where they aren't deserved, needed, or appreciated.

Until you learn to let go & choose to simply move on, you are indeed creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, as zmortis suggested.

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Posts: 12

Aug 2008
Re: Three-Time Loser? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, July 11, 2010 - 02:17 PM (#56463)

So maybe it's just my generation or the folks I know, but a lot of people I've talked to basically by default assume they are in an "open" relationship, and whatever they do with other partners are non of the current partner's business. (approx, 1/3rd of the people I know who are single/dating, not including those in triangular/pentagonal, ect relationships) There are a lot of people that I've met whom, unless you as their partner have actually sat down and requested it to be a closed relationship or have discussed your position on other people involved with your relationship, they're basically going to assume you're not serious/closed.

In short, Our Guy might not be making it clear early enough on that he wants a closed relationship, and his girlfriends could simply be assuming that all's fair game still. Just a guess.

Also, Our Guy might need to take a break and figure out what HE wants in a relationship, and then remember to maybe ask his partner what THEY want in a relationship. He might just be finding people with totally different priorities. If you're in a communicated closed relationship and you're still being cheated on, you might want to reevaluate your choice in partners (again, priorities of individuals).

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Posts: 92

Apr 2009
Re: Three-Time Loser? (Score: 1)
posted Sunday, July 11, 2010 - 11:43 PM (#56467)


It's not your generation. It's your social circle.

I have friends spanning a wide age range. A number have taken to open or polygamous relationships, and it's not confined to those above or below a certain age. At the same time, most of the folks I know, again regardless of age, tend toward monogamous romantic / sexual relationships. Those mostly evolve either from pre-existing friendships, or occasionally from spending some solid get-to-know-you time in a social setting or event.

Oddly, very few are taken toward one night's stands, serial first-dating, or indecisively stringing along a collection of partners. Some have hooked up with people they've met in bars and similar places, but the tendency is toward a small number of long-term relationships, rather than a large number of short-term or one-night affairs or mutiplexed or parallel involvements.

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