forums

welcome! please login or register.

 

 

 

POLL RESULTS: Online; not on her: (11 comments)

POLL: Online; not on her

Monday, July 19, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I am a happily married woman except for one thing: My husband is addicted to the Internet. He’s a good man and provider, and a wonderful father, but he’d rather be online than anything. On a typical Saturday, the first thing he does is go online. Sometimes he’s on the computer all day. I’ve gotten up in the wee hours to find him online reading or watching videos. He’s more interested in that than in making love. I’m pretty sure he’s not talking with another woman — I’ve done some checking. Sometimes I get so jealous of his relationship with the computer I feel like putting my foot through his monitor. Any advice?

POLL: What should se do about her Net-addicted hubby?
 
9% (109) Good gosh, the man works hard. Give him some space.
 
19% (220) Get a laptop and discover the 21st century
 
7% (90) Start a Web site. That might get her attention
 
4% (55) Leave him. He'll never leave his mouse.
 
58% (661) He's on the Web because he's not getting something he needs. Find out what it is and give it to him.
1135 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Monday, July 19, 2010 - 12:17 PM (#56523)

I spend a lot of time on the computer (duh, I'm here, right?), but if I came home to a real-life version of Brad's depiction of Our Girl in the comic, the internet could seriously wait for a while. I'd want to make her a part of my online world rather than shut out the world.

Step 1: Talk. Odds are Our Girl is talking to us about this before she's talked to him. (perhaps even dropping the hint here where her hubby can see?) Well, talk to him about it. Tell him what you told us, that you're lonely, feeling jealous of his machine and want some free time together.

Step 2: Listen. Our girl may get some stuff back that surprises her. Since you're both married and parents, both of you have a lot on your plates. children are trying.

Maybe this is his de-stress time. People need "me" time as well as "us" time and it may seem to him that taking care of the house and the kids is "us" time because you do some of that together.

But yeah, the two of you need some "us" time too. He ought to be willing to negotiate that.

Strongly suggest Our Girl resist the temptation to demand. If she makes this about power in the relationship rather than about relationship needs, this won't go anywhere she really wants to go, unless she is looking for a pretext for divorce.


Locked profile
CarlosCM
Lover

Posts: 12

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Monday, July 19, 2010 - 02:26 PM (#56524)

I'm pretty much online the complete weekend myself, as long as there's nothing else to do. And that's actually the point. I'd rather be online than... sitting around looking at the ceiling. If I'm not online I'm reading a book, if I'm not reading a book I'm playing a game, etc. Being online is just a way to keep me busy, a way to entertain myself. If there's laundry to do I'll put it in the washing machine, be online for hour and a half, put it to dry and go back being online.

Nevertheless, this is not about me, it's about the reader. And there's actually a quite simple solution to the problem: Take an interest in what your man is doing online. If he's chatting get yourself an account. If he's playing ask him what he accomplished and think about joining the game. If he's watching videos pick a few every day and watch them with him. Make the computer and the internet "us time" instead of "his time", at least in a small way.


Locked profile
Archknave
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Sep 2008
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, July 20, 2010 - 01:01 PM (#56530)

Hated the poll choices. Couldn't pick any of them. Are you sure you're married, Brad? ;)

Look, if you're a married man you have a responsibility to your spouse (and children, since he has kids) to cultivate the relationship and be available for your kids. If he's addicted to the Internet and on it all the time, he's neglecting those responsibilities in some way.

But since this is about the wife, she should confront him and tell him she needs him to be more tuned in to the family and less tuned in to the computer. It doesn't have to be a cold-turkey cut off, but maybe setting up some limits and ideas to substitute a portion of the time being spent online with time with her.

In real life, women that have husbands like this eventually starve from lack of connection with their husbands. The inevitable result is they grow apart and become distant, forgetting whatever attracted them to their man in the first place. It doesn't have to be just an online addiction, it can be an overwhelming commitment to watching TV, working in the garage, being out with the boys, etc. -- anything that communicates to the wife that they aren't that important to him. If it doesn't get fixed, somewhere down the line the relationship will break irreparably.

So women need to stop feeling guilty about being jealous about a guy's relationship with things that supplant his family. Hobbies and interests are necessary for guys' sanity, but in moderation. Speak up for yourself, ladies!


Locked profile
Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 22, 2010 - 12:36 AM (#56557)

Well, I hate to say it, but at first glance it does sound like online addiction to me, and that makes it a serious problem. And if that is the case, none of the poll options are the right one.

Now, there is a possibility that there is an overreaction by the reader. It could be that his online time is his down-time, and he only does it after everything else is taken care of, in which case it may not be a desirable habit, but it isn't necessarily a proper addiction.

But, I'm guessing that's not the case. The line between an addiction and a habit is the ability to control it, and the stuff about finding him watching videos in the wee hours suggests that it isn't under control. And here's the really bad news - these psychological addictions escalate over time. Most of the time, it takes a massive shock to the system - a life being destroyed by it - for any attempt at change to take place.

So, if this is a case where his online habit is out of control and causing actual harm (distraction in the real world, things that need to be done being delayed by it, etc.), then get off this forum now, and seek professional help for him. If this is truly an addiction, this needs psychological counseling and quite possibly an intervention.


Locked profile
Uriko
Lover

Posts: 19

Registered:
Mar 2008
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 22, 2010 - 04:01 AM (#56560)

Horrible poll choices, as already stated. Where's the "Talk with the guy" and "Consider getting help for his addiction" options?

The woman asking should talk with her husband, explaining that she thinks there's a problem and hear his side of the story to find out WHY he's on the net as much as he is. In case of internet addiction, get help.


Locked profile
Silenced_is_Foo
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
May 2010
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 22, 2010 - 01:35 PM (#56564)

You sound fat.

Seriously, I've been there. I've been haranged by my wife for ignoring her over the internet. And do you know why? Because honestly, it's better company. The alternative with her is watching CSI:Jersey Shore or listening to her chew my ear off with 2-hour stories about coworkers that I've never met.

Also, he's replaced you with porno.


Locked profile
J0HNNYB0Y
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jul 2010
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, July 22, 2010 - 05:13 PM (#56565)

I've been where your husband is. What got me out of it was just my wife and children telling me that they felt they were playing second fiddle to a plastic box.

I'm sure that explaining how you feel about it would be a good start to resolving this.

I don't think your getting involved in his 'addiction' would be helpful - it seems that it would be just like stoking the flames of the wrong passion.

(@Silenced_is_Foo - you don't really mean that, do you? You're only kidding, right?)


Locked profile
lonelycure
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Feb 2010
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 23, 2010 - 08:16 AM (#56567)
In Response to Silenced_is_Foo (#56564):

seriously?? youre married?? i petty your poor wife.


Locked profile
Azerik
Lover

Posts: 35

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Friday, July 23, 2010 - 01:46 PM (#56568)

Silenced_is_Foo may be overstating things a bit, but he also may have a point.

My advice, talk to him. Don't hint, don't suggest, point blank ask for some time to talk without the computer in the room. Men are sometimes oblivious to the more subtle forms of female communication, we need to be slapped up-side the head. Express your concern, but be prepared to get an answer back that you don't want to hear.

Is this a new thing? Have you only recently gotten a computer/access to the net? That seems unlikely in this day and age, but I know plenty of people that have virtually no contact with the internet. Men can get absorbed in a new "toy" at times and the internet has literally millions of shiny objects to be distracted by. If the computer is new this could simply wear off after a while.

Sadly he could be doing it because he is unhappy in the relationship and the internet is his way of distracting himself from that fact in order not to bail on his responsibilities. Ultimately the only way to find out is to ask. Put the kids to bed or send them outside to play. Turn off the TV, unplug the phone, and ask him to shut off the computer for a few minutes. Don't beat around the bush, don't euphamize, don't downplay the problem. This is a time to be *completely* blunt and direct.

Good luck.


Locked profile
Makinus
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, July 24, 2010 - 07:09 AM (#56570)
In Response to Azerik (#56568):

I need to defend the husband there, i believe i´m in a similar situation as i´m also spend a lot of time on the computer too.

Probably not to the extent of the one in the original question (i do not stay awake late at night on the computer), but it is a time i use to "de-press" the day tensions.

However, i´m always available to my wife and daughter, and my daughter at least also love computers and we play a lot on it togheter.

My wife, on the other hand, hates computers, and i always try to make time for other activities with her, but the main problem is that (thanks to a very restrictive upbringing), she does not have any hobbies and gets "guilty" when she have "free time" and must seek "work" to do on the house (even if it is to clean for the 3rd time the same the room already cleaned that very same day)...

In the very few instances that i´m able to convince her of not doing "make work" she refuses to do anything i suggest and stays "looking at the ceiling" and says she is bored...

I´m gradualy convincing her that if she wants for me to leave the computer she must, if not agree to do my suggestions, at least make our "us" time other than make-work or "ceiling appreciation time"...


Locked profile
Silenced_is_Foo
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
May 2010
Re: Online; not on her (Score: 1)
posted Tuesday, August 03, 2010 - 12:04 PM (#56629)

I'm absolutely serious - maybe a little hyperbolic, but still serious. It's very easy to take your spouse for granted in either direction. If you want your spouse to spend more time with you, maybe you should think about what he or she gets out of that time with you.

If you think that he should spend time with you because it's his job to do so, then don't be surprised when he shirks that job just like any other job that provides no pay and no benefits.

If you take your spouse for granted, don't be surprised when they do the same. If "spending time together" is largely a joyless affair for your partner, then why should somebody be faulted for avoiding it? Think long and hard about what you actually *do* in that time.

And seriously, if he's turning down sex, something has gone very wrong. And given the statistics about obesity in this country, my guess is that one or both of you got fat.


Locked profile
Threshold:  Locked
The Fine Print: The above comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
Hell, let's face it, we're not responsible for anything; including the things we say, do, or think. And if you sue us because you think we are? Well, we're not responsible for that either.

 





(C) 2005 Brad J. Guigar. All rights reserved. Use of content or images without the consent of the author is prohibited.