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POLL RESULTS: He's out working, and its not working out: (7 comments)

POLL: He's out working, and its not working out

Friday, October 22, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: My husband and I have been married 25 years. He’s at the top of his career and receiving a lot of acclaim, but we rarely see each other during waking hours. How can I get him to focus more on our marriage and less on his career? He’s always at work. The only time I see him is in the newspaper or on TV and we are raising three small children.
POLL: What should she do?
 
1% (24) Start interviewing divorce lawyers. He's too far gone.
 
4% (58) Try to hang on. This can't last forever
 
62% (866) Talk to him. Even if it means going through Larry King.
 
21% (290) If he's in that kind of echelon, he's gotta be pulling down primo bank. Appreciate what you have. Like nannies, for instance...
 
10% (138) ...not to mention the pool boy...
1376 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: He's out working, and its not working out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 22, 2010 - 12:03 PM (#57341)

You're in a tough situation. Perhaps your husband enjoys challenges so challenge him. You might see a positive change if he understood that saving your marriage will be the most significant challenge he's faced, even more than anything in his career.
Don't do anything that would destroy your marriage -- like the pool boy or anything else attention getting, You need to take a positive approach.
Best wishes/thoughts/prayers


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zmortis
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Posts: 76

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Jun 2009
Re: He's out working, and its not working out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 22, 2010 - 05:03 PM (#57343)

I would have a discussion with him and put it simply that if he is not going to make your life together a priority as well as his professional carreer, then you are asking him for the freedom to enjoy the pool boy while granting him the freedom to enjoy whatever office nookie comes his way. If the office is more important to him, start looking for your alternatives. Only require that the both of you keep your extra activities discrete, and not a topic for general conversation together.

That should encourage him to reevaluate his situation.


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Ar_Bee
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Oct 2010
Re: He's out working, and its not working out (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 23, 2010 - 08:56 AM (#57345)
Look around you.

Look at your lifestyle. The home, the furniture, the car, the clothes, the schools, the neighborhood.

The status you have among your peers - including past peers.

How much of that are you willing to give up in order to have him "focus more on our marriage".

Because that is exactly what you are asking for. You have all of those things as a result of how and where he is spending his time. If you want him to spend less time that way, and "focus more on our marriage", you have to decide what you will give up in return.

If you want the cause to change, you have to be willing to accept the change to the effects.
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DanialArin
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Posts: 92

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Apr 2009
Re: He's out working, and its not working out (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 23, 2010 - 01:27 PM (#57346)

I'm reminded of the Electronic Arts Widow incident a few years back, except that if this guy's getting awards and in the paper, he's not toiling in obscurity.

In the end, it's about balance. Balance between the various commitments in his life: work, family, and any other hobbies or extracurricular activities. Assuming he's already dropped anything extracurricular, he needs to find more time for his family Somewhere, or else find a way to make the same block of time serve both work and family.

If he's getting awards, his family should be there for the ceremonies and photo ops. If there's a chance for her to bring the kids into the office for a couple hours during the week, it'd be good if she can take it. And it would be good if he can dedicate at least one full weekend day each week to being home, and have one day during the week when he always leaves by, say, 6:00pm, for example, and is absolutely, unequivocably, and without exception, home for dinner. If he has to take work home and continue doing paperwork or international conference calls after dinner, so be it, but at least he's there.


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MarauderDeuce
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Posts: 5

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Sep 2010
Re: He's out working, and its not working out (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, October 24, 2010 - 09:22 AM (#57347)
In Response to DanialArin (#57346):

To me the key question is - do you believe that his work is more important to him than his family?

If the answer is yes then I think you've got problems and need to consider your long term options for what is best for you and the children.

If on the other hand the family is more important then there's definitely hope. People can be neglectful and do all the wrong things for what seem to them to be the right reason. If family is the reason he's pushing his career so hard then as long as you can find a way of getting through to him then there's hope for compromise.

Of course getting his attention is obviously difficult - perhaps you need to make an appointment to see him. Either way, at that point I'd be seeking more expert help than the anonymous internet.

Step one though - find out whether his career or family is more important to him.


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spzeidler
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Posts: 35

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Jan 2010
Re: He's out working, and its not working out (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, October 24, 2010 - 11:51 AM (#57348)
In Response to Ar_Bee (#57345):

you're assuming she's an intentional stay at home mom who is deriving all her status through her spouse, aren't you?

What if she has a career too that is lying in tatters because -he- isn't pulling the weight at home he originally had agreed to? Parents are supposed to bring up their children together, not shove all the work off to one while the other does more fun things.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: He's out working, and its not working out (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, October 27, 2010 - 12:32 AM (#57354)

Why did she marry him? His personality, love, affection, and character? Or his power, money, and status?

That answer will affect our advice ...


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