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POLL RESULTS: Is double-clicker a two-timer?: (20 comments)

POLL: Is double-clicker a two-timer?

Friday, October 29, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I recently discovered that my husband has been watching hardcore porn on his computer. He left it up on the screen and I just happened to see it. I'm completely disgusted with him. I can't even look at him the same way. To me, it's the same as if he cheated. What do you think I should do?
POLL: Does pornography use amount to cheating?
 
79% (2050) I'm a man, and I say no!
 
5% (136) I'm a man, and I say yes!
 
10% (266) I'm a woman, and I say no!
 
1% (34) I'm a woman, and I say yes!
 
3% (96) I'm a hermaphrodite, and I'm just happy to finally be included in the poll for once.
2582 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
vbalbert
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Apr 2009
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 12:26 AM (#57365)

Are you cheating if you see a romantic movie and you're taken in by scenes where the man kisses the girl for the first time? Porn is just a form of entertainment. Why is porn disgusting to you? Ask yourself that and you might come up with an answer that might help you understand the situation better.


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Henchman21
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Oct 2010
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 12:39 AM (#57366)

I'm going to have to say it's about an 85-90% chance that it isn't cheating. Without knowing more specific circumstances, I can only safely say so much, but for the most part I'm reasonably sure that it is not cheating. Without getting into specific studies, or anything more technical than a sort of street corner discussion, the vast majority of time watching porn (even hard core porn) is just that.

I would lay odds that you wouldn't feel he's cheating if he were watching, say, romance movies. Granted, societally, we are less likely to hide the act of watching a romance than a porn, but in essence it is the same thing. Movies in general are a form of escapism where we can vicariously live out fantasies that we couldn't or (and is more often in this specific instance) wouldn't act on in real life.

The best thing to do is discuss this with your husband. He might be reluctant or unwilling to stop watching the porn, or he may stop with little fuss. It might even be better if he does not stop, but ceases to hide the act. I suppose it all boils down to what bothers you more: That he is watching porn in the first place, or that he felt he needed to hide it from you. Either way you two need to talk it out, and it wouldn't hurt to have an impartial moderator (re: trained mediator or therapist, personally leaning toward therapist) on hand. A local clergy-person might also be a viable listener as well.

Good luck to the two of you, and I hope everything works out well.


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lonelycure
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 12:48 AM (#57367)

seriously???
what the hell is wrong with you?
im a woman and I LOVE PORN!!
its fun, its sexy, its a major turn on, and its full of naughty ideas. me and my husband share porn, and every time i see something he might enjoy i make sure hell watch it. it makes sex life more fun... besides if he was cheating on you hed probably be doing it instead of watching it.


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Uriko
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 03:28 AM (#57369)

As a woman, I'd say that I can partly understand it. I can't see the fun or good in porn - I find it kind of gross to look at other people having sex - but that's me. My boyfriend watches porn, but the reason why I feel fine with that is because I trust him. I trust that it is not because he'd rarther be with another woman, as I have partly felt with other former partners who watched porn.

I think, as already mentioned, you should talk with your husband - as long as you don't bring it up as "he having the problem".
A while ago, a study wanted to compare men in Britain who watched porn and who didn't - problem was, they couldn't find anyone who didn't... food for thought.


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Aar0n
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Feb 2008
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 04:02 AM (#57371)

What do I think you should do? I think you should hop down off your cross and use the wood to build a bridge a get the hell over it.

I've followed CD for a long time, and I've only honestly judged two people: the woman who was upset that her boyfriend was giving more attention to his kids to he was to her and, now, you. Consider yourself judged.


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ElBueno
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Jan 2008
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 06:30 AM (#57372)

MAN do Americans have unhealthy attitudes about sex. Being *disgusted* by porn is just another example of it.


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ewharding
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Oct 2010
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 07:21 AM (#57373)

How is this any different than a women reading a romance book that has a man like Fabio on the cover? Same effect, different styles.

Or maybe he has a higher sex drive than you, and needs to find a release that might just keep him from cheating. I love my wife, been with her 24 years, and while I would never cheat on her (been cheated on one too many times before), I look at porn because my drive is much higher than hers.

Perhaps he left it on there running to see if you might be interested in viewing it with him?

Best thing to do is talk to him, in a non-judgmental manner and find out why he looks at it. Try to stay calm too, arguing about would probably make matters worse.


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Meander
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 09:33 AM (#57374)

I think that she should leave him.

He is clearly better off without her.
~


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AcePalarum
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 11:32 AM (#57375)

I can understand why this sort of thing is distressing or disturbing to some folks. But watching porn while in a relationship is not cheating, any more than watching porn while not in a relationship is dating.

At any rate, the right thing to do is talk the issue out. Find out why your husband watches porn. Maybe it's just entertainment to him. You'll never know if there's a problem if you don't talk like adults.


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BlueD
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 11:32 AM (#57376)

Well said, Meander *g*

But to adress the OP here...

Try to look at it this way: several studys show, that about 90% of all men who have access to porn, do use it.
(only about 20 percent will admit to it in front of a woman, and still less in front of a woman they know)

So - whatever your feelings toward porn in general is, the statistics show it to be a very normal male trait.
Sit in a Bus and look at the men - 9 out of 10, from puberty to senilitity, will be guys who like looking at erotic and sexual displays of different style.

So, if you cannot press that into your worldview....well, your worldview is simply wrong.
By all we know, that seems to be the way most men are made.
And by not accepting that you do yourself the same favor as somone does, who won`t accept that everyone farts and is offended by every smell....you wont have it easy with any man in this world.

Now, on the other hand - there are styles of hardcoreporn I personally find disgusting.
Not knowing, what your husband was looking at, I do not know if I would share your personal feeling towards it or not.

But what is obvious - it gets him off, and it is probably something he wont get in his real life - so he takes the next best thing, a visual.
This, I belive, is the reason YOU, and frequently a lot of other women in relationships feel cheated on, when they dicover that their partner ist watching porn (and not just watching, but very probably masturbating to it).
"Why am I not enough for him?" "How dare he crave something I don`t want/will/can not give him"
"I dont like it, how can he?"
Or, the more liberal ones might think "Why wont he ask me but look at others do it?"

Every woman who thinks that way has two things in common:
She believes because of the relationship, every sexual notion of her man has to be centered on her.

And she is afraid of loosing him.

Now, the first notion is simply ridonkulous. Every persons fantasy an body belong to themselves, nobody else.
Dont you like the look of some men? Or how other posters already pointed out - romantic films ore novels? If that is true on some level, do you cheat on him by feeling that way?

The second notion I do understand - and pity.
There might be reasons for that doubt or not - but they have nothing to do with porn, but with your relationship, trust issues, childhood ect.

I´d say - get help and talk it out, but I strongly recommend a neutral mediator and you strictly avoid telling him that he is in the wrong here.
Personally I do believe your feelings to be more screwed than his is perverse....

And - be glad.
That he is looking at porn and not cheating.
Porn is just pictures. They are there, they arouse, and when they have served their purpose, they are turned off and forgotten.
Nobody will desire to live with that pictures, to do their laundry, to smell their hair, to listen to their storys.
Your man decided to do THAT with YOU, an actual woman who he cant turn off, even if she might get on his nerves or bitch.
He loves you.

The porn is just that - easily acessible stimulus, whitch might tickle his libido, but it ends there.


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vorlonagent
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Oct 2009
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 11:48 AM (#57377)

If porn truly and deeply bothers you, you need to make a change. that's what your strength of feeling is telling you.

You don't have to suddenly like porn. But for your relationship to continue in any meaningful way you either have to accept and love this new aspect of your man. If you can't do that you have love him and yourself enough to get out.

Sitting in the between state is the worst choice you could make.


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Makinus
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Jan 2010
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 11:52 AM (#57378)
In Response to BlueD (#57376):

BlueD: you got it absolutely right... i was going to post my opinion but your answer is 100% like mine would be...


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Azerik
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Apr 2009
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 01:41 PM (#57379)

There are only two things in this that might be problematical. First if it was something "weird", and second, if he left it out for you to find intentionally.

Tastes differ widely, but there is plenty of porn out there that nearly everyone (even the consumers and producers of it) could agree on being weird. Serious fetish stuff might indicate some underlying problems that would be best sorted out by a professional. If that is what was there and you do love this guy, then talk about it and seek counseling.

Similarly, if he left it out for you to find intentionally, then that's a flag. In some way he is dissatisfied with your sex life. It could be a simple plea to vary your routine a bit, it could be a way to show his needs aren't being met, it could be a lot of things. Surprisingly the best solution would be to talk about it in a calm and mature manner. At the very least if he did it on purpose then his passive aggressive tendencies ought to be discussed.

Most likely it is just a simple imbalance between your sex drive and his. Do you have kids? It isn't uncommon for the "mommy" drive to take over and shove aside other concerns, including your sex life. That doesn't even mention the practical considerations of carrying on with a healthy sex life when you have kids in the house (are they asleep yet? does the bed squeak too much? etc etc). Get a small pocket calendar, put an X on the days you have sex successfully from start to finish, look at it at the end of the month, you might be surprised how sparse it is.

If the frequency has fallen off, or you have fallen into a bit of a routine in your sex life, this could easily be his coping mechanism. The important thing (just in case you missed it from all the other comments) is to talk about it in a non-accusing way. You can't approach it from righteous indignation and expect it to end in anything but tears. You have to do a little soul searching and get over your aversion to porn itself a bit and talk about it like a rational adult. In America there are a lot of very deep seated conflicting ideas about sex, try to be more rational and get past them. A good discussion might lead to an agreement to increase frequency in your sex life and make the situation go away. You might get a chance to find out what his fantasy is and fulfill it. Maybe you could find something that turns you on and see if he can find a clip that applies. Maybe he can fulfill a fantasy of yours.

Bottom line : Sex is NOT bad. You are NOT a bad person for liking it or wanting it. Nobody is going to think less of you for having it, most people assume you are having it regularly. It can be very comforting on a lot of different levels and it is GOOD for your relationship and the intimacy inherent in it both psychologically and physically. TALK about it, the foundation of EVERY healthy relationship is open and honest communication.


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bermudaboy
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 03:10 PM (#57380)

I don't know that it's purely an American thing like some people think. My girlfriend is from Kenya and she's found out about some of my viewing habits (thank you whoever invented autocomplete... dick). Needless to say, she hates it and has all those issues with inadequacy and why isn't she enough, and all that. Looking at porn for a guy is just something we do because the internet makes it so damn convenient. Our brains are just hard-wired to want to look. Getting all pissy and judgmental with your guy is only going to drive the problem underground. He'll either start hiding more and more from you or he'll get what he needs from outside the house. Then you'll really need to worry about your guy cheating.


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ed_mckeogh
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 05:10 PM (#57381)

He left it up and you just happened to see it? OR he left it up on purpose, hoping you'd see it. The message would be: Sex is supposed to be fun and uninhibited! That's the attraction of "adult" media. People (often unattractive) are having a good, carnal time, without having to jump through hoops, meet elaborate criteria, stage a conducive environment, create the perfect mood, &c. Resorting to the internet is a lament for the loss of good times and a reminder that sex isn't an excuse to exercise power or control, but instead an opportunity for consenting adults to "play" together--especially with a partner they trust.

So watch something with your husband, pay attention to what is happening (not who it's happening to), and add some spontaneity to your repertoire. If you push his buttons in a way that's meaningful to him, he'll spend more time with his hands on you and not on his mouse (double entendre intended; see how easy it is?).


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Eirama
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Oct 2010
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 29, 2010 - 09:16 PM (#57382)

I'm not into watching porn myself. However, does it really matter where he acquires his appetite so long as he comes home to satisfy it?


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Meander
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 30, 2010 - 12:53 AM (#57383)
In Response to BlueD (#57376):

Better said, BlueD - thumbs up.


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reynoldsrap
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 30, 2010 - 01:45 PM (#57384)

A lot of the reason that guys watch porn is to fulfill fantasies and desires that they can't otherwise. Would you rather he fulfill the fetishes he has but you aren't interested in satisfying through pornography or with other women who're more open-minded?


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mmitchell
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Oct 2010
Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, October 31, 2010 - 04:22 PM (#57386)

It's a lot easier to get disgusted by porn after you've read the testimonials of the people involved:

http://www.shelleylubben.com/shelleys-articles [shelleylubben.com]


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NunyaBidness
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Re: Is double-clicker a two-timer? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, November 01, 2010 - 09:26 AM (#57390)
In Response to mmitchell (#57386):

No, not really. Thanks for trying. I'm going to go find some hot young lesbians now.


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